Save Me
May 25th, 2010
Aw, hell, you guys, I am really going to spend all of our money if I keep this up. I *am* like the Beverly Hillbillies up in here, because today was positively ENTRANCED by a Staples. A fucking STAPLES. I was perusing the aisles like some kind of caveman, marveling at all the fancy office supplies. I must have spent ten minutes in the highlighter section alone, and frankly, I have always found highlighters to be irritating and sort of stupid, not to mention blinding. I don’t LIKE highlighters, but I suddenly had the urge to buy every highlighter they made! I need to highlight important clauses on my freelance contracts before I send them back! I need to highlight my bank statements! Credit card bills! In hundreds of beautiful shades! OOH LOOK, CHARTREUSE.
I have this uncontrollable reaction when I’m near any kind of retail –like I have to gobble it all up instantly, planning not just for right now, but for a future that may not include access to fancy filing folders with flowers on them in case I want to pretty up my tax filing for 2010. I’m like the college kid who grew up in a strict household who’s suddenly like, HEY! BEER. Let me drink it all — every last beer in sight — TONIGHT.
I feel kind of barfy and purgey, as if such a thing was possible when referring to material goods. Except that I swear — swear! — we need most of this stuff. Because, if you recall, I have a husband who refuses to move mashed potatoes, much less something like extra Swiffer pads or sponges or anything useful. And besides, I needed new shirts! And Sam only had Robeez and oh, look! Cute sandals!
Erm. You see? You see where this is going? You see why although I saved money by purchasing a dress for $20, I then proceeded to accessorize it with more than $100 of add-ons? I might as well just have bought the $150 dress to begin with. Sick. I’m sick. Help me.
(Mom and Dad, please don’t worry, I’m really not going to spend Sam’s college fund on sparkly earrings from Target, I swear.)
The other issue I’m running into — will always run into, I fear — is road rage. I have it. Not the kind that makes people run random drivers off the road to beat the bag out of them for an erroneous directional or anything, but if you cut me off or fail to use a courtesy wave or–or!–have your turn signal on and are not turning or vice versa? I wave my arms and yell. I can’t help it. And people, they are AWFUL THINGS I’m yelling, and I’m amazed at how quickly I can come up with them, as though they are so ingrained in some dark, hidden corner of my twisty little mind. Douchenozzle! Taint face! (Oh, I know PRECISELY where I got that one, thanks to my friend Anna, and her douchey commenter!) Terribly, awfully offensive iterations of fuck!
But still! No one should be able to conjure–much less actually USE–those terms while driving in a motor vehicle with their impressionable toddler in the backseat.
Do you think … do you think when Sam is saying “shoosh!” for juice that she is actually saying … douche? OH M’LANDS.
Although really, that will be the last thing we need to worry about, as Adam quite accurately points out that someone might shoot me. I saw a BULLET HOLE in a car the other day, and in Vermont, when you saw a bullet hole, you knew it was because it was they just MISSED THE DEER.
Anyway, I know this is lame–getting back on the writing horse is HARD–but look, allow me to go on about my kid for a minute, if I may. She is, in a word, amazing. I know she’s just like most other kids, and that all moms feel this way, I know. I know this. But the progression of watching a little blob turn into a person? I never, ever expected it to be so cool. I never thought I’d have this much fun. She’s Frankensteining around like a little drunkard, and if I pay close enough attention, I can actually decipher what she wants. It’s INSANE.
It’s the most fun I’ve ever had. True story. I can’t believe I waited so long. I wonder … will I feel the same about the second? Because that doesn’t seem POSSIBLE. It seems like two would kind of SUCK and yet I want two–at least two. AND YET AND YET.
Happy Wednesday!
*Queen. And others. Also? FROM MYSELF.
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,General jackassery,Uncategorized
16 Comments Add your own
1. Carla Hinkle | May 25th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
If there is anything better … or at least as good … as watching your blob-baby turn into a real person, it is watching said person play with a sibling. When I hear my big girls playing or see them making their baby brother laugh … oh geez bud. So trite to say … but it is amazing.
2. ABDPBT | May 25th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
Love watching the blob turn into a person, and it just keeps getting better, especially when they start saying things that you realize you say, but you never realized, really, until you heard them say it. That is spooky.
Douchenozzle was coined for me? Wow, it’s an honor. Dubious, yes, but . . . an honor nonetheless. I think I can guess who it was who came up with it.
3. mrsgryphon | May 26th, 2010 at 12:03 am
Oh, the joy of seeing that little one explode with personality is awesome the first time… and, for me anyway, it’s even better the second time! I’m more relaxed, and I’m enjoying our youngest so VERY much. She’s just freakin’ adorable, and now that she’s 1, her big sister is enjoying her more, too! The beginning with 2 was tough, I won’t lie, but now it’s just getting better and better.
4. Cheryl | May 26th, 2010 at 5:13 am
Welcome home to Badassachusetts Jonna! Yes, they will kill you. Be careful out there.
That pink nose and those pink cheeks are in every picture of Sam. My heart melts every time I see them. It’s like having your own little Rudolph to brighten your life.
5. jonniker | May 26th, 2010 at 6:54 am
HA. No, Anna, that would be taint-face. How quickly we forget!
6. AndreAnna (Modern Matriarch) | May 26th, 2010 at 7:32 am
In one of her posts a year or so ago, Linda used the term “sanctimonious dicktowel” and I died.
We were having an argument at our office one day about which was worse, being a douchenozzle or a douchebag, and ultimately decided that once your in the douche family, it’s all pretty bad.
About the turning into a person, cue the immediate moment I got pregnant with my second.
But just wait until 21-22 months or so. It’s like someone flicks a switch and all of a sudden, your garbling baby looks at you and says, “More juice please.”
Gah.
7. Suniverse | May 26th, 2010 at 7:34 am
I understand the road rage – when my daughter was 3 or 4, she quite clearly said, “Get out of the way, jackass,” and I wish I had no idea where she got that. Stupid drivers. Make me mental.
8. Melissa C | May 26th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Oh be careful Jonna. I had a scary incident last week where a guy followed me, pulled up next to me and told me I was going to die and go to hell – and so was my baby! All because I gestured at him after he honked at me. Who does that? Who says that? Crazy people with guns, that’s who. I have been taking a different route to work for the last week because of it.
9. ellbee | May 26th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Oh, I am an ANGRY elf when it comes to driving! Makes my husband INSANE. He’ll be all calm and “you know they can’t hear you, right?” while I’m gesticulating with one hand and using the other to wipe spittle from my rant off the windshield. FWIW, while I do favor insults in the douche family, my old standby is the f-bomb, followed by some noun. F–kerhole, f-stocking and f-pants are some of my faves.
P.S. when I’m gesticulating? I give people the sarcastic thumbs up, not the bird. It’s actually MUCH more effective.
10. Kristin | May 26th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I second the commenter who said you won’t believe how amazing it is to see your little blob become a sibling. The absolute best part of having two kids for me is watching how they interact. I would never have guessed how early it starts or how endearing it can be.
And I do think everything is different with your second child. Partly it’s because every single thing isn’t new this time around (although some things of course will be), but mostly it’s because you just don’t have the time to interact with the second in the same way you did with the first, because now you have two and they both need attention.
So, while I feel guilty about the fact that I have very little idea if my 10 month old daughter is actually meeting any milestones, and she eats way too many things that she finds on the floor, I feel happy and thrilled that her favorite person in the world is her big brother. I definitely don’t spend as much time actively “teaching” her things as I did with my son, but I think that is made up for by the fact that she has a playmate already, who is really much more entertaining then I am.
11. JessBecause | May 26th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Aww. I don’t comment much but I have to tell you I’m always like “it’s Beeber McSteebs!” when you post her picture – love that name, and she’s so darling!
Also, don’t forget to use “schmohawk” (Curb Your Enthusiasm) in those road rage situations.
12. Amy | May 26th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
My daughter (12 months) is at the same age where she can pretty much tell me what she wants by pointing and making noises. If I feed her peas when she wants chicken or try to feed her when she wants her sippy cup…LOOK OUT because she will let you know that THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS. Geez. This phase came on pretty suddenly also, but it’s great and I am enjoying it!
13. agirlandaboy | May 26th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Simon is fond of holding his hand like a gun and pulling the trigger at asshole drivers, and every time he does I practically throw myself across the car to stop him because that sort of thing will absolutely get you shot in Oakland. We don’t play here.
14. Sarahviz | May 26th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I’m quite partial to Staples myself (wink wink – I work at the corporate headquarters in Framingham and am thus, your DAYTIME neighbor…)
15. Blythe | May 26th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I felt the same way about shopping when we moved back to civilization. My self-control button had completely disappeared. What is it about Target that does it to us? I’ve very slowly re-adapted but now and then I still find myself dazedly standing in the check-out line, wondering how all that (wonderful wonderful) stuff got in my cart.
Watching kids turn into little human beings is The Best. Yesterday I told Theo two rocks were the same and he said, “Similiar, but not the same.” Dude, where does this stuff come from?
16. H | May 27th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
I love your topics – and your commenters. F-pants? F-stocking? I LOVE those!
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