Where poop is discussed freely

Well, WELCOME. Am I talking about diapers again? Oh yes, I am. Only this time, by way of disclaimer, I will explain that I am being compensated to talk about diapers, thanks to our friends at Huggies. And I know! I KNOW! I never do this kind of thing– and it’s true, I don’t, and if I were you, I wouldn’t look for it to happen very often. But, as many (most?) of you know, I had recent Unfortunate Diaper Issue and as a result, have done WAY TOO MUCH THINKING about diapers. Like, a lot. I tried every single diaper out there; I tried every different possible fit. I diapered at different times! With different creams! I diapered my face off! I examined my daughter’s butt from multiple angles! I sniffed her diaper before she so much as PEED in it to make sure it didn’t smell like chemicals!

And then Huggies, smartypants people that they are, noticed, and asked that I write about diapering and diapering-related issues, for them. Smart, see? And because *I* am smart and — genuinely, swear to God, I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true — got through my daughter’s infancy because of Huggies Overnites, I said yes! Why yes, of course!

But, and this is the truth, I like (and use) Huggies Little Movers diapers quite a bit, and they’re not even making me say that part, I promise. Especially for those who are looking for an alternative for a diaper they may no longer be happy with, they are honestly the best thing that I found — they don’t sag weirdly in the crotch, the padding goes all the way up the back to the waistline (almost NO diapers have this, and it’s really good for girls who pee a lot) and they don’t stink like chemicals (they’re unscented! Hallefreakinlujah!). This should be common sense for every diaper, but let’s be honest: it isn’t. The point is, I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t a natural fit (first diaper pun! drink!) and something I’d say anyway. Really. I turn down this stuff all the time! DAILY.

Are we ready to talk about diapers and diapering and all that, um, crap? (Second diaper pun! How original!) Because I can go on all day about this. And after fifteen months of this — after a crazy amount of diapering and pooping and peeing and other waste-related ridiculousness — I still have no idea what I’m doing in this area.

Specifically, two things are happening, and this seems as good a place as any to start:

1) I have no idea if I’m getting my kid in the right size diaper. None. I hear conflicting reports of where a diaper is supposed to fit. Is it with the front above the belly button? Just under? None of the above? Any lower than the bellybutton, and stuff blows up the back. And yet, if I get it too big (and this is EVERY brand, so it’s not a fit thing), I contend with out-the-leg issues. It’s like this crazy perfect-balance thing, and right now we have Sam in a size five. FIVE. She’s 15 months and has been a five for like, THREE MONTHS NOW. She’s tall. Honestly, it’s working pretty well for us, so I don’t know what else to say there. But for some reason, people think this is like, CRAZY HUGE. Is it? Am I Doing It Wrong? Would things be THAT MUCH BETTER if I switched to a smaller diaper? She’s 32 inches and 25 poundsish. I think. (I THINK.)

2) Dog. The dog. The dog and diapers, THE DOG AND THE DIAPERS. I know! I should use a Diaper Champ or something, I KNOW. But the thing is I never remember, and we take out the garbage every day anyway, so it’s not like my house smells (um, I don’t think?). Plus, I’ve got this mobile kid and I’m lucky if I remember to take off the old diaper and put on a new one before she’s off like a shot and demanding something, or worse, sticking her head in the toilet, and before I know it, I’ve walked away for FOUR WHOLE SECONDS and the dog is missing and she’s eating the diaper under the guest bed, and I’m trying not to throw up.

I don’t even think this is something you can help me with, because frankly, it’s my fault. I know it, everyone knows it. Even the dog knows it, which is why she keeps going for it. SHE WINS! Every time!

The only consolation I have is that we don’t have a cat. I think prying cat feces out of my dog’s mouth would be worse than my kid’s poop, which, let’s be honest, I end up wearing half the time anyway. Which reminds me, OH YES, recently we had an issue (thanks, prunes!), wherein we both had to change our clothes. BOTH OF US. GARGHTKETHIETH. No one’s ready for that, no matter how experienced you are at this parenting thing. And there’s also the fact that the dog likes to eat maxi pads, so guess who can’t leave ANYTHING in the bathroom trash? THIS GIRL.

So! Welcome to the corner of the internet where you can talk freely about your kid’s poop and their diapers. I won’t judge!

12 comments May 30th, 2010