Headlights Look Like Diamonds

WE-E-ELL! I have returned after an unplanned week away. Whoops! So! Instead of updating you on the minutiae of what happened in the last week (hint: a deadline, a parental visit, and a few other busy-like things and it’s been so fun-filled that I haven’t even seen this week’s True Blood, is all I’m saying), I am going to tell you the TWO RUDEST THINGS EVER that I can’t get out of my mind and maybe YOU can share other rude things and we can all marvel together! Marvel! At the rudeness!

My mom and stepdad recently moved to a new house. Like, THREE WEEKS AGO. (Note: these are not the parents who were visiting, and yes, I have two sets of parents and I am super lucky like that, and yes, that means two moms and it is ALL VERY CONFUSING, and I’m terribly sorry about that.)

So! They moved on a Thursday, and on Saturday, they had a wedding to go to — the groom is the son of some friends of theirs from church; apparently they aren’t BFF with this couple, but they’re friendly enough, I guess. Now, a few weeks PRIOR, my mom ordered a bunch of stuff for the couple off of their registry, but in the move, it ended up in my brother’s car for, um, safekeeping I guess. I don’t even know. But the morning of the wedding, my mother realizes the gift is in his car, is too late to go find him and just decides to mail it later and … well, this doesn’t seem to be a huge deal, AM I RIGHT?

So! Wedding comes and goes, it’s the Tuesday after the wedding, and my mom locates the gift, puts it in the mail and forgets about it. UNTIL!! That afternoon, she fields a call from the mother of the groom, who says, “Tommy said it would be okay if I called you about this, and I hope you don’t mind, but he noticed that there wasn’t a gift from you at the wedding.”

ARE YOU DEAD YET. BECAUSE IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT I BELIEVE I DIED. BUT OH, IT GETS WORSE. BECAUSE SHE GOES ON TO SAY:

“And we thought maybe it was lost, so if you just want to write a new check and pop it in the mail this week, I know they would really appreciate it.”

WHICH MEANS THEY ASSUME THAT IT IS MONEY. AND THEY WANT IT. NOW. THIS IS THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM OH HOLY PANTS.

(It was, if you recall, items off of their registry.)

Now my mother, to her credit, did not tell them to stick an entire fraudulent checkbook directly into their ass, which is what I like to THINK I would have done, but in all likelihood, I’d have stammered something nice and awkward, which is precisely what my poor mother did.

COULD YOU DIE?

I hope they liked the towels and sheets she got them. AHEM.

And now we are moving on to the SECOND rude thing that involves a person I encountered again recently, and for the sake of everyone, let’s leave out how and where and who it is. But it’s an acquaintance that I will likely see somewhat regularly now that we’re all back in the same general area.

So! The first and last time I saw this person was about eight or nine years ago, and we were all recently engaged and happy times, hurrah! She was … well, kind of cold, and I felt as much of a connection with her as I would, say, Paris Hilton, but I tried! I really, really tried. One of my last (and lamest) attempts at conversation was noticing that we had the same style of engagement ring (three-stone Bostonian, whatever) and her reply was, I SHIT YOU NOT:

“Oh! It looks like we do. But mine is bigger.”

I was honestly just sort of stunned into silence, because WHO SAYS THAT? WHO SAYS THAT? It’s one thing if you think it, but please, my God, don’t say these things out loud! Shut your pie hole! Exercise restraint! AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, ANYWAY? That you WIN at engagement rings? That your fiance spent a few thousand dollars more? OH MY LANDS WHO CARES? WHO CARES? NO ONE CARES.

(For the record, she was as big of a douche as I remembered. Good times.)

Rude, right? Are you dead from rudeness? Now please, if you would, hit me with your worst rudeness, because I need more to stew about over here, apparently.

Happy Tuesday!

*Arcade Fire

180 comments June 21st, 2010