53 Comments Add your own

• 1. H  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 9:04 pm

  Well said, well said. Brides, grooms, parents and friends should read this before every wedding. I never had the feeling my wedding was all about me. I was too horrified at being the center of attention and spent way too much time stressing about that.

• 2. cindy w  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 9:20 pm

  Yeah, I think you pretty much nailed it.

• 3. Life of a Doctor's Wife  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 9:22 pm

  Yes – exactly! So well said! Weddings are about you, but not ALL about you. (And OMG that is so stressful – trying to make it all about all the important people… without stepping on people’s toes… and without letting your own vision get squashed underfoot.)

  To our wedding we invited a dear family friend who just had a baby, and of course, her baby was perfectly welcome at the wedding. And was very good, BTW, although his mother was MORTIFIED because the little cutie made a little stinky during the ceremony. Which I am sure no one in the whole world noticed except her. But when some people found out that a baby would be there, they were SHOCKED. Like it was the craziest thing and did I realize? Babies CRY. I was RUINING my own wedding, didn’t I see that?

  Dude. I am not a person who chills out easily… But sometimes you just have to chill. out. Many things are NOT worth making a fuss about.

• 4. Nic  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 9:33 pm

  So, I’m with you on everything but I have to comment on the no baby allowed at a resort thing because I’m going through this with a kid free resort right now: they exist and they have age limits for a variety of reasons, some are for liability (contracts usually read that no one under the age of 16 is allowed on property, some places limit to only those 21 or older). It’s usually found at high-end spa resorts with a tranquility focus and, yeah. It happens. Do I tend to think those venues are great for a wedding? Not really. But um, as a meeting planner? I seek them out now.

• 5. Nic  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 9:41 pm

  Okay, I went and read the actual comment and the bride didn’t want the kid at the resort? That bride is a jerk, simply put. No other excuses.

• 6. Ginger  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 10:33 pm

  I wish I had read this post before my wedding. Not because I was a big bridezilla who was all MEMEMEMEME. But because I would have cut my mom, who picked about 3 GIANT fights with me, a whole hell of a lot more slack. I would have understood that she wasn’t that upset because I didn’t want M&M’s as a wedding favor, or because we didn’t want to serve Bud Light, but because those were places where she could freak out over her only kid getting married and “leaving” her. As a mom now, it kind of breaks my heart that I didn’t get that until the day before the wedding.

• 7. Margot  |  June 23rd, 2010 at 11:03 pm

  Thank you Jonna. So, so true. If I had the power to make shit viral, I would totally offer this post up to the Internet Gods for mass-distribution.

• 8. Search for single women a&hellip  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:16 am

  [...] True Companion | Jonniker. [...]

• 9. Lippy  |  June 24th, 2010 at 2:42 am

  So very well put! If I knew anyone getting married I would send this to them.

• 10. Kader  |  June 24th, 2010 at 5:53 am

  Luckily for us, the minister who married us (he’s my best friend’s dad and he’d known me FOREVER) was very clear about weddings being, mostly, for the families and not for the bride and groom. He pointed out that one of the reasons for such a big ceremony was to allow both families to recognize that their relationships to their children/siblings/etc. were forever changed after a marriage. In many ways, there’s a portion of grieving involved with the wedding because of this huge shift in relationships.
  That was so helpful for me. It was actually a lot easier to plan the event once I could view it through that lens.

• 11. Swistle  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:13 am

  I love this so so much, I can’t even say. I wish YOU wrote bridal books/magazines.

  And I have a happy children/wedding story that always makes me choke a little to think of. When our firstborn was about a month old, we got an invitation to the wedding of a family friend (of my family’s, I mean, not of the three of us). It was addressed to just the two of us, and I took that to mean that the two of us are invited, right? So I RSVP’d no and thought we’d send an extra nice present so they’d know we DID care about them. This story is getting kind of long. The upshot is that the groom’s mother and I were in touch and it came up that we weren’t coming because I couldn’t manage the babysitting, and the groom’s mother said “WAIT! NO! I have HEARD the bride say SPECIFICALLY that children ARE invited and I know of LOTS of children who are coming!” I was worried that she was just saying this, but then I got an email from the bride saying they WELCOMED children, that a wedding was completely about family and they wanted everyone there. And it was a great wedding, with little kids everywhere and this real feeling of two families coming together and *SNIFF*! The part that gets me is when I remember her saying, “We WELCOME children!” WELCOME! (*CHOKE*!)

• 12. pseudostoops  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:42 am

  The part that always confuses me is when the bride/groom get offended at someone choosing not to go. You are allowed to invite people close to you, but you are not entitled to demand their presence. There are ALL KINDS of reasons to decline a wedding invitation- would you be mad at someone who declined because they were going to be on a family vacation that weekend? No? Then what makes you think it’s okay to take it personally that they’re not able to make it work financially or logistically to find a babysitter?

  I do think, though, that some people get riled up if you start making exceptions. We had a kid-free wedding, but made an exception for my husband’s fourteen year old BROTHER, and got a bunch of snide comments from other family members who had left their children at home. (Second cousins! Children we did not even know! As opposed to teenage BROTHER. It blew my mind.)

• 13. jonniker  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:46 am

  pseudostoops: I think you’re probably right, but I also think that’s no reason to make exceptions. I figure that people who get pissy about exceptions would figure out a way to make the whole thing about them one way or the other, so eh, kids it is. There will be obnoxious guests no matter what type of wedding you have.

• 14. kakaty  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:52 am

  Love this!! Everything about it. You are right – the bride and groom are hosts and should act as such – greeting EVERY guest, thanking them for coming, etc. And the bride who didn’t want the baby at the RESORT?!?! Crazypants.

  I also have a happy baby/wedding story, too. We were invited to the wedding of a family friend. The reception was at a very posh country club. M was about 4 weeks old. They insisted we come and bring her. I had a black sling, so I wore a black top and she hung out in the sling the whole time and was totally camouflaged. Other then some women in the ladies lounge (Love clubs for having lounges!) who saw me nursing her, almost no one even knew I had her with me. People at our table were shocked when she started to fuss a bit and I took her out of the sling. I guess they thought the sling was part of my outfit (which means they thought I was wearing a sash, OMG). But yeah, newborns at weddings usually go unnoticed!

• 15. Jen  |  June 24th, 2010 at 7:37 am

  Jonna, you are so right on so many points here. Great post.

  I am feeling a bit like an ass because my comment on your previous post was about my friend who brought her three children. I didn’t mean to make other commenters feel badly about kids/weddings, so I’m sorry. We did not have a child-free wedding – there were many family children there – but we couldn’t include ALL children because there were so many and we wanted to keep our wedding on the small side. I was irritated because the table was already full, so other guests were smooshed, we had to scramble for kids meals for them, etc. BLAH. ANYWAY. At the end of the day, the kids had fun, my friends had fun, and it was a great day. So all’s well that ends well, right?

• 16. jonniker  |  June 24th, 2010 at 7:40 am

  Oh God, Jen, no no. Don’t feel bad! I wasn’t thinking of anyone but the MOST egregious offenders when I wrote this. Plus, the whole bridezilla thing.

  Exceptions are allowed, even at no-kid weddings. And regardless, it’s rude rude RUDE to bring uninvited guests to a wedding, children or no.

• 17. twojams (Shannon)  |  June 24th, 2010 at 7:45 am

  Well said – I wish I’d read something like this before my wedding. Not that I was a bad bride (I hope!), but I really just wasn’t well versed in any kind of wedding etiquette. Planning my own wedding was a HUGE learning experience for me. I’m sure I did some things which did not please my invitees. And in retrospect, some of the crap I stressed out about was SO not worth it in the end. It ended up being a great celebration.

• 18. pseudostoops  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:04 am

  Doubtless true. Rude people will find a way to be rude- if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

• 19. Danielle  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:06 am

  BWAAHA! I love that you mentioned the wagon, because we are now going on 5 years married and just find it HILARIOUS. My MIL is still off of her gourd, and now has the wagon in her yard with BLEEDING HEARTS planted in it.
  That aside, I love this post to death.

• 20. Jersey  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:27 am

  I think I’m going to have a child-free reception. No flower children. Now, this has NOTHING to do with my love for children: I’ve always said my “dream job” is to be a mom. But on that day, I don’t know, I just don’t picture kids there. Also, at this time, very few of my acquaintances have children.

  Granted, Achoo has to propose first.

  However, I won’t say never, and chances are I will end up with children at and in my wedding.

  Again, Achoo has to propose first!

• 21. D  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:33 am

  Totally agree. I don’t really get the people who are super offended by kid-free weddings and think that the hosts are by default rude and selfish; it’s usually not personal – no one’s saying that YOUR precious little bundle of joy is going to “ruin the wedding!!”, just….some people aren’t huge on kids. And want their wedding to be an adult affair with lots of dancing and booze, and honestly, that’s their choice! Contrary to what a commenter in the previous post said, if I don’t invite your child, it doesn’t mean that YOU are not welcome. In fact, I know many parents who welcome a chance to have a night away from their kids! That said, I also am of the mind that if you want your wedding to include lots of kids, go for it! It’s a personal choice, and I hate the “this type of wedding is ALWAYS terrible” mentality.

  For our wedding, we *mostly* did kid-free. There were lots of second cousins on my husband’s side that a) we couldn’t fit, and b) we barely knew. And having those kids there really wouldn’t have been conducive to the sort of small, intimate affair we had in mind. All those kids had relatives that could watch them for the night, so it wasn’t a huge burden for the grandparents to watch them. But we did have a couple exceptions – I have adopted siblings who are 6 and 3, and they were in the wedding party. I couldn’t just not invite my brother and sister, right? And the best man, coming in from out of town, had two young kids – an infant and a 2 year old with a disability. We told them right away that despite our mostly kid-free wedding, we understood they had no great options, and of COURSE we cared more about having them be there and have a good time without worrying about the kids than stick to our kid-free rule.

  Bottom line though? Your choices have consequences. Some people were unhappy with our decision to (mostly) keep it kid-free, and we understood why they felt that way. You can’t freak out that someone is not coming because you made a choice that makes things difficult for them. Just like a destination wedding – if you want to do it, awesome! But if someone determines that they can’t take the time off work, or afford the flight, or whatever, you need to be able to accept that.

• 22. Dr. Maureen  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:37 am

  You know, when I got married I had a “no-kids” wedding only because there would literally have been 35 children under the age of 8, and most of them would have required a place setting. So we only had my nieces and nephews. I knew one of my guests would not understand that his kids weren’t invited, and I also knew this meant he probably could not come because it was a 7 hour drive. So I told him explicitly via email that no kids were invited and he replied, “I’ve thought about it, and since marriage is really about kids I’m bringing them anyway.” So that meant this guy, who was not related to me but was a colleague brought HIS kids but my first cousins weren’t allowed. Imagine how that appeared to them!

  Gah. On the other hand his flight was cancelled at the last minute but he and his family drove the seven hours the day of the wedding, so I found that touching.

  But otherwise, I agree 100% with everything you’ve said. I get crazy when people assume their kids are invited, but I also get crazy when the marrying couple gets offended because the parents of the 18-month-old can’t come because the kid’s not invited. GAAAAAH.

  People. Having kids changes your lives in many ways. Sometimes, it means you can’t go places. Yes! Even weddings!

• 23. D  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:40 am

  Oh, not that my last post wasn’t a MILLION YEARS LONG, but I felt the need to just add something: I totally agree that the wedding is a huge deal for the parents, in-laws, siblings too….but just as the bride and groom need to remember that it’s not all about them, the family needs to remember that as well. My MIL pulled so, so much crap during the wedding planning, I was often in tears. 99% of the time I let it slide and didn’t say anything to her, because I knew that it was a big deal to her, and she was “losing” her baby, so I tried to cut her some slack. However, I did have to tell her on a couple of occasions that I thought her behavior was uncalled for (I am not a fan of conflict; it was big, ridiculous, inappropriate stuff that finally made me have these conversations with her). Both sides need to compromise; the bride and groom need to make some concessions to their families, and their families need to refrain from saying hurtful things to get their way.

• 24. Kris T  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:41 am

  Now what about this sitch though…I got married in Sept 2001 (yes 2 days before 9/11). Because it was an evening wedding, We decided on no “small” chidren, Meaning I had cousins, the youngest being 10…the next oldest being my 12 year old cousin.Old enough to stay up til say 10 without a meltdown. We have friends with 5 chidren at the time the oldest 7 years,the youngest was 7 months. In order to provide them enough time we told them the prior MARCH (6 months before the wedding) because I really wanted both the parents there (and said that specifically to them). They said yes yes we’d love to come. 5 months later I get the RSVP card saying only the wife will attend because someone has to stay with the kids. Rationally, now I understand why but a tiny bit of me is still peeved because I TRIED so HARD to be accomodating…and they still didnt get it.

• 25. Kristen  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:45 am

  Woah crazy that you wrote about this TODAY because I am CURRENTLY trying to figure out what to do about a wedding where I can’t bring my 9 month old. Who I am still nursing. And trying to explain to the bride what will happen to my bewbies if I don’t nurse for oh, 5 hours? And how I’d rather avoid pumping in the bathroom of her reception surrounded by drunk people being all “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OMG! BOOBS!”

  Congrats on the wedding! Sorry I just squirted milk on your but you know, no baby to help a sister out here!

• 26. Christine  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:45 am

  Oh goodness, did I start this one? I just saw comments about how rude it was not to have kids at the wedding and I felt compelled to say: Really, I’m not rude! Often crazy, but usually not intentionally rude. Just, you know, open bar, evening wedding… If someone couldn’t come because of the no kid rule, I would totally have understood.

  That woman who wouldn’t allow someone to bring their child to the resort, that was crazy.

• 27. Christine  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:47 am

  OH! And for the record, our song closing out the evening was totally, “I’m on a boat”. We played it when it was just the young’ns . Good times.

• 28. D  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:53 am

  Christine, we played “I’m on a Boat” at our wedding too! Ha! I still kind of can’t believe it happened, actually. It was amazing though.

• 29. g.  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:53 am

  This hits so perfectly on something we’re dealing with in our own wedding planning right now… we’re having a fairly big evening wedding over Labor Day, planned and organized and paid for mostly by my parents. That means, to us, that they call most of the shots — the wedding doesn’t look like what we’d plan if we were doing it ourselves, but overall, we’re so pleased that my mom is organizing it. We feel happy with almost all of the decisions, and everything is going very well.

  Except.

  We want kids there. We’re in our 30s, and about half of our friends have kids, and we love that those kids are a part of our lives too… we really just wanted them to be there if their parents wanted to bring them (and most of them do). The wedding is in a synagogue that has a Sunday school, so there are kid-friendly rooms where we can provide on-site babysitting, and there’s a soundproofed room just off the sanctuary for crying babies or rowdy toddlers during the ceremony. We’re talking to all the parents beforehand to see if they would use babysitters, if they need high-chairs, etc. It seemed like the perfect set-up.

  Except!

  My mom is so unhappy about it. She really wanted a formal, black-tie wedding, and although she’s been talked down from that, it’s still fairly formal and she’s worried kids will be noisy and ruin the ceremony and get stepped on at the reception and mess up the seating and and and. (To her credit: She loves children and has been a teacher her whole life — she just feels that they don’t belong at this wedding.) Turns out that many people agree with her, and they’re horrified when they hear how many kids are coming — we’re about at a dozen now and will probably get up to 15 or 16. I’ve really been shocked at the negative reactions from everyone except the parents.

  It’s all decided now, because this is one of the only things my boyfriend and I decided we’d really insist on, but I’m looking for ways to help my mom not freak out on the actual day if a child interrupts the ceremony or whatever. We’re already paying for and dealing with all the logistics for the on-site babysitters, and we’re setting up others with a babysitter at a hotel, so at least she doesn’t have to pay for something she disagrees with. A friend with a toddler will also be gently directing people toward the “crying room” before the ceremony.

  If anyone has any wise counsel, though, I’d love to hear it — we’re still feeling guilty about insisting on this, and she’s still feeling anxious about kids being there.

• 30. jive turkey  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:59 am

  OK, I have to share this here because my friend only told me about this CRAZYASSNESS last night, and so I missed out on adding it to the “Rude Asshats” post…

  My friend’s sister in law is getting married this September. It’s an out-of-town affair, in the Outer Banks of NC. Here’s the kicker: she’s told her family she doesn’t know what DAY she’ll be getting married; she just gave them a WEEK and told them that one day that week, she’ll wake up and just KNOW when it’s the “right” day for the wedding.

  Um.

  So, basically, she expects everyone to pony up the cash to spend an entire WEEK in the Outer Banks — a week during which they can’t make any plans to ENJOY their time there, because they never know which day during the week the bride will wake up and FUCKING DECIDE TO GET MARRIED. I mean…??!?!/!?1//1/!??!!

  My friend said this woman is just really, REALLY laid back and just kind of wants to get married when she feels so inclined, which, FINE, but don’t go dragging extensive amounts of other people’s time (and money) into it. Oh, also, the bride-to-be is getting offended at the number of people who are saying they can’t come to the wedding. In other words, she’s pissed people won’t spend hundreds of dollars and an entire week’s worth of vacation time to entertain her wedding-on-a-whim bullshit. WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

• 31. Joanne  |  June 24th, 2010 at 9:40 am

  I agree with most of this although I have to say, if someone thinks it’s such a sacrifice to go to a wedding and party, they probably just shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t want anyone to come to a dinner party of mine, let alone a wedding, if they were thinking “GOD I am SUCH a good person to be here! This is a major SACRIFICE!”.

  I didn’t have a lot of kids at my wedding and I’m sure there are people who think it was rude, but I don’t care, really. We both have ginormous families and it would have doubled our already too-big guest list to have everyone bring their kids. So we had the kids that were in our wedding (our nieces and nephews) and out to first cousins. It was an evening wedding and reception and I couldn’t get over the people (in-laws) who just filled in the number of guests they’d be bringing, even though just two of them were invited. It never occurred to me that people couldn’t bring newborns, although my kids were so grumpy and colicky as newborns that they never did that whole sleeping thing. If I brought any of them to a wedding or evening thing when they were tiny, I’d spend the whole time swaddling them, or walking in a very small circle. Not fun! I guess I count on people to use common sense, but when it comes to weddings that can go right out the window.

• 32. Sarahviz  |  June 24th, 2010 at 10:17 am

  Great. Now I have Hava Nagila stuck in my head.

• 33. Jennie  |  June 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am

  Huh. Would you lose respect for me if I told you my wedding was both of the very family-friendly, children-welcome! variety AND of the tequila shots during the cocktail hour variety?

• 34. Jennie  |  June 24th, 2010 at 10:27 am

  Also, about sacrifices. I think we make sacrifices all the time because something is important, not the opposite.

  I had a destination wedding and although everyone there clearly wanted to be there — they dropped serious airfare and hotel money on the trip — that money spent and vacation time used was still definitely a sacrifice. Obviously a very worth-it, wouldn’t-miss-this kind of sacrifice, but no one spends hundreds of dollars on anything without sacrificing something to do it, you know?

  So while some people probably shouldn’t come if the whole thing is such a beating, it’s like written on their face, I’d say acknowledging your guests’ sacrifices and making sure you let everyone know you appreciate those sacrifices is good, standard wedding etiquette for the bride and groom.

  And, yes, I think the bride and groom should hold themselves to the same etiquette they expect of their guests because manners are manners, you know?

  (So, uh, I concur with all this, Jonna.)

• 35. Gaby  |  June 24th, 2010 at 10:38 am

  I agree with almost all of what you said here, but I also have to support what D (#23) said. When my husband and I got married, we had many, many tense moments with members of his family (sister-in-law and his mom) about the ways in which his nephews would be included in the ceremony. Sister-in-law couldn’t understand why I invited my twin, 4-year-old, girl cousins to both be flower girls, but I only wanted my husband’s 4-year-old nephew to be a ring bearer, and not his 7-year-old brother. Well, on one hand, I don’t need a tribe of children to walk down the aisle, and two, the girls are TWINS. Should I omit one?! And her older boy has been in a quatrallion weddings before, so it’s not like this was his one chance to be a ring bearer. SIL even used the 7-year-old to corner his uncle (my fiance) and try to guilt him into allowing it. It was all for her, and her love of her children matching, and looking cute in pictures.

  Add in the fact that my MIL ordered tuxes for these boys-TUXES! For a wedding in which the groom and groomsmen were NOT wearing tuxes, but brown suits! She just wanted the photo ops with her precious grandchildren, so much so that she outright ignored our (repeated) requests to leave it alone. So, she ordered the tuxes, then I ordered the suit that would match the rest of the freaking wedding party, and I told her she could just return the tuxes because that’s not what the boys would be wearing.

  Nowhere in the above series of events did they realize that it wasn’t about them, and I thought that was pretty lame. BUT! Ancient history, right? THANK GOD I’m not planning my wedding anymore.

• 36. Annie  |  June 24th, 2010 at 10:52 am

  Any bride who thinks the wedding is just about her and nothing else matters is a total terror. Is 98% of the attention on you? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that other people have feelings, especially those close to you! So. Crazy!

  We’re having a small wedding this fall. Somewhere around 85% of our guest list is family (which includes children). We’ve told our friends who have kids that because of size, we can’t invite children who aren’t in the family and so far ALL of our friends have been really understanding of this. Maybe we just got lucky!

• 37. AndreAnna  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:18 am

  You killed me with “I’m on a BOAT!” I hope more people got that reference so they could find it equally as snort-rendering as I did.

  Dickheads will be dickheads. This is my life motto.

• 38. Deanna  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:43 am

  This should be a Public Service Announcement for all brides-to-be. Seriously.

• 39. Jess  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:14 pm

  Ugh…so true about a wedding not really being about the bride and groom. When I got married I was under the (false) impression that it was all about me, I’m gonna/do/have/get whatever I want and it’s going to be so great and everyone will just love everything about my wedding and it’s going to be the event of the year.
  Let’s just say that totally didn’t happen. I spent most of my planning time making sure everyone else was happy and comfortable and just said “oh well” to the plans I had made myself..By the time the actual day arrived I couldn’t wait for it to be over. The next day we left for our honeymoon and I came home with a nice surprise and 9 months later my beautiful girl was born. But boy..what a rude awakening- It was my mother’s wedding, that’s for sure..

• 40. jonniker  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:50 pm

  Kris T: I think they got it, but as you know, with kids, you never know what’s going to happen. Maybe they did get a sitter, maybe they DID make accommodations and they fell through. Maybe their kid decided, a few weeks prior to the wedding, to go through a crazy separation anxiety phase, making leaving the kid with a sitter an agonizing experience for the sitter.

  I got upset at my wedding because a cousin of mine bailed at the last second due to her son having awful car sickness. I was SUPER INDIGNANT about it, like, doesn’t she know I had to give a headcount WEEKS ago? OMG! And now that I have kids, I’m so, so embarrassed about that. Like, dude, her kid suddenly decided to THROW UP in the car, making it impossible for her to drive. Um, yeah. That’s a last-minute gamechanger right there.

  Joanne: I don’t think a single guest is sitting there thing that this is a huge sacrifice, but I’m also thinking that the majority of them aren’t thinking that this, this is the BEST TIME OF THEIR LIFE. I also think that I hear way too often brides and grooms being all, “I AM GIVING THEM THIS AWESOME PARTY, WHY AREN’T THEY GRATEFUL?” and it’s like, really? REALLY? Weddings are fun, but they aren’t on par with an intimate dinner party. You don’t get to hang too much with the bride and groom, it’s not super-casual and … I don’t know. ESPECIALLY when travel is involved for the guest, I think a little graciousness on behalf of the bride and groom is called for.

  I was so, so touched that my friends from high school drove to my wedding. SO TOUCHED. Although I know they wanted to be there, and I went to their weddings and loved every second of it (for real), they still gave up time from work, drove hundreds of miles and sat there in the sun to watch me get married. That’s what I meant about sacrifices. It’s not painful, but it’s there.

• 41. Kristabella  |  June 24th, 2010 at 1:56 pm

  I really have to echo the “not all about you” comment you made. It is so true. Your wedding day is SO important to the people closest to you. I’m not married, but I know when my brother got married and when both y best friends got married, it was LIKE I was getting married. I was so happy and wanted to be a part of their special day.

  Some people get this, some people don’t. I wish more people would.

• 42. Kris T  |  June 24th, 2010 at 2:23 pm

  Just to reiterate( re: my earlier comment re my wedding) …yes yes Jonna you are right all of those things could have happened and I didn’t disown them as friends or anything, rationally I totally understand. I guess it still pushes my buttons a) a year and a half later both attended a mutual friends wedding (which was also sans kids) without even a thought and B)because this family is notoriously self-centered…we now live 3000 miles away and we are going back to Boston for Thanksgiving(11 hrs in the air for a 4 day visit ahem)…we will be without a car so hanging with family and we have invited friends to come visit at my Dad’s. Their response? Oh but we were hoping you could come to us…traveling is so hard w/ 5 kids (who are now 9-16)

  UGH! Ok sorry to whine Im done now

• 43. Li  |  June 24th, 2010 at 3:18 pm

  O.M.G. – i thought i was th eonly freak who spent the first part of her honeymoon wracked with guilt that i didn’t spend enough time with/properly thank important people (family and friends) who traveled far to, did much to help with, or generally were very supportive of my wedding. i actually CRIED i felt so guilty. My husband thought i was NUTS. THANK YOU! I feel far less freakish!

  Totally agree with your assessment about brides not being TOTALLY self-centeredm but must also bitch about folks (read: in-laws) who don’t realize that it is at least marginally about the bride and groom. I did not have the first dance at my wedding. My in-laws did — after a long speech my father-in-law gave about what a wonderful mom my mother-in-law is. We still get comments about it. And I’ll never get that first dance back. Can you tell I’m not over it yet?

  That being said, I was very moved by my friend who left her 18 month old at home in Chicago overnight for the first time ever to hold up the Chuppah at our wedding (we only had kids that were related to us, or newborns); or the other friends that got babysitters, poole dresources, etc. to celebrate with us. Now that I have a kid, I know even more how much that meant!

• 44. Li  |  June 24th, 2010 at 3:25 pm

  oh and PS — I’m on a boat Motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  hahahahahahahahaha! loved that reference and have now watched the video on YouTube 5 times!

• 45. Sara  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:22 pm

  We basically asked kids under the age of 8 to be left at home because the wedding started at 7pm and was an evening affair in a venue that had many stairs. No one invited to the wedding had an infant under 1 year old. I checked with my kids that had friends, who across the board preferred to leave their kids at home with sitters and enjoy the evening. Mostly we were trying to avoid several of my cousin’s children which are all holy terrors. No one except one cousin seemed to mind, and honestly I invited that cousin only because I was obligated to, I didn’t care if she came to the wedding or not.

  We actually cared a lot about everyone having a good time at our wedding, as we want to celebrate with our friends and family, not just in front of them! But your post is exactly how I feel, I appreciated that everyone had made an effort to be there. Our ceremony was under 20 minutes, speeches were under 20 minutes even with 7 speeches and everyone had a blast!

• 46. Aunt Becky  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:19 pm

  Heh. Weddings scare me.

  I’ve lost 2! Best friends over weddings, and not, if you can believe it, because I am some righteous bitch, or because I had conflicts with kids. One was because I decided to have 2 Maids of Honor (this pissed off Maid of Honor 1 who hasn’t spoken to me since) and the other was because I had the audacity to fall pregnant during her Wedding Year.

  Yes, I dared to be the Pregnant Bridesmaid. After 2 miscarriages. THE NERVE OF ME! I should have given her the whole YEAR!

  It really WAS all about her, you know.

• 47. Kristin H  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:22 pm

  I was all about kids at my wedding. For me, it’s about family and the kids are part of what makes it great.

  Which is why I was sort of pissed when my husband’s cousin invited 500 people to her wedding, but only some people’s kids. Now, I don’t know exactly what the story was…maybe the kids there had to be there for one reason or another? But it was not a black tie, evening affair at all, and it was not a boozy, dancy, all-adult thing. In fact, there was no dancing since they are very religious. I just couldn’t help feeling like, you have room to invite FIVE HUNDRED people (that is not an exaggeration), but you can’t include some members of your own family, even if they’re small? So I respectfully declined and my husband went and it’s all good. Sort of. It changed my opinion of her a little.

• 48. .  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:35 pm

  Yes!!! Yes yes yes yes and yes.

  Ahem.

  Here’s the thing: pre-kid I was the biggest kid-ignorant asshole. Really. I was the person who was all: what do you mean you can’t just throw your baby in a pack-n-play, get over it! I say this for, well, I don’t know…perspective maybe? Becuase I’m really not the type who would or was or is offended that someone would ask me to leave my baby at home. Burlusque party in the city? Yeah, not bringing my kid.

  That said, and in my case re: the old friend who really really really really want NO KIDS at her wedding. I got it. I really did. It’s many days and many events and she doesn’t want the distraction. I really dud get it. Did it break my ever loving heart to say No? Oh my god, I bawled before during and after the whole thing. But I was honest and sincere, we didn’t have the resources ( no family even remotely close by) to leave her with. And what that really and partially meantwas that we had never been able to leave her for a night, even if/when we wanted to. So we never got a chance to ease into the idea of leaving her for four days ( with god knows who, but still). Does that make sense? So to be asked to just cold turkey except to be able to just leave her without little training trips here and there, with no family close by, to a destination very very far away just wasn’t an option for us.

  And all I wanted from her was the same level of understanding we had for her is all. And it broke my heart. Still does. But she was very clear she did not understand and will always resent me. So I guess in the end we were destined for different paths anyway…

• 49. .  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:39 pm

  (gah! iPhone typos!!!)

• 50. Lori  |  June 24th, 2010 at 9:31 pm

  This is great. I’m so glad I was the first of our friends and siblings to get married. We didn’t really know the rules, so we were really laid back and had few expectations. Since then I’ve been to many, many weddings. I’ve got to agree with joniker, weddings can be fun for the guests, but it’s not the time of our lives. I’ve told many brides who are stressed out during the planning process, “you know, your wedding really isn’t about you. Once you realize that, everything is easy.” They all look at me with this blank stare and a little bit like I’m crazy. But, at some point after they’ve had a couple of glasses of wine at the reception, they come over and tell me I was right.

• 51. Steph  |  June 25th, 2010 at 9:00 am

  Excellent points, especially about the wedding not being only about the bride and groom–I like to think I realized that for my parents, but I am sure I didn’t realize it ENOUGH and act appropriately grateful and gentle with their feelings.

  That said, I was so much more laid back in planning and on the actual day than I think anyone ever anticipated I would be. My MIL (whom I LOVE, truly, I have the best MIL and FIL possible) got her dress for the wedding and it was…long, with a few beads/sparkles, and WHITE. As in, the same color as my dress. It really irked me b/c I thought that was kind of tacky and she was, at the time (better now), competing subtly with me for my husband’s attention CONSTANTLY. And the kicker is that my husband’s family had, for YEARS, made fun of one of his cousins’ girlfriend for wearing white to another family member’s wedding (before I was in the picture, but I heard the story for years). But I silently stewed about it for a day before I was like, “you know, whatever, who cares, it’s not like she’s going to be walking down the aisle and I’m still PRETTY SURE no one will confuse us”. Just basically had to get over myself.

  And as for the kids thing, I have to admit, kids at weddings bother me. At least the ones who are old enough to make noise/cause a commotion, but too young to follow directions reliably. That’s why I provided a nursery for young children during my ceremony. I totally don’t care about kids at receptions (though I see the point if it’s a fancy to-do, mine was mid-afternoon, outdoor reception, buffet-style food, very casual). But at the actual ceremony, I think that a) if a child is crying/yelling/throwing/banging/whatever, that is distracting for the other guests who are (presumably) trying to pay attention AND for the couple who are trying to say vows and focus on each other AND for the parent of that child who is (presumably) trying to shush their child. And if the parent has to take the child out of the ceremony, then what’s the point–that parent doesn’t get to enjoy the wedding anyway. I had been to too many weddings where I couldn’t hear anything b/c a young child was crying or yelling and so for my own wedding I wanted to avoid that, and the nursery seemed like the best alternative–that way parents didn’t have to worry about FINDING a babysitter (especially out of towners) and they could relax and enjoy the ceremony and then let loose with the kiddos at the reception. I love kids but that was more practical for me.

  And I so love my little boy and am glad we have/had him, but I already realize how hard it’s going to be for him to get married. I feel like I’m a better daughter-in-law for having a son–I can imagine myself in her position and, for example, when my husband was deployed last fall, when he would call me (oh those precious phone calls!) every now and then I would tell him to cut it short with me and call his mom/parents. (Then, inevitably she would call me 30 minutes later and be all “GUESS WHO JUST CALLED ME!!!” and it would a) make me smile and b) take all I had not to say “I told him to!”)

  Longest comment ever. Sorry. Anyway, good points Jonna!

• 52. lindsay  |  June 27th, 2010 at 11:11 pm

  weddings are insane and ridiculous. sadly you don’t realize this until you’re married. I’m very pro marriage and got married twice – once in a court house with two witnesses, then a big shebang a yr later (same groom). Both times the vows meant the world to me, the first time I really noticed the absence of about twenty ppl, the second time was wonderful and big, but I can say I probably would have been happy with just those twenty guests and didn’t need the additional 85 you know?

• 53. Suki  |  June 28th, 2010 at 12:54 pm

  Reading all the wedding comments, all I can think is Dude, I got so lucky with my wedding. Or more accurately, lucky with my family and in-laws. My mom and dad are both ministers and had performed literally hundreds (if not thousands) of weddings, so they understood that besides us being married at the end of the night, the rest was just inconsequential details. I had a mother-in-law who told me that she would help in any way I wanted, but would keep her opinions to herself. I feel like when you’re surrounded by people like that, it’s a lot easier to keep a sane perspective and realize that the small accomodations you have to make are just that- SMALL accomodations. Besides getting to marry my best friend (I know, gag), nothing about my wedding day makes me happier than hearing what a great time other people had.

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