Big Fish
June 29th, 2010
You know, in all of my bitching about Sam’s general reticence, I really neglected to mention that she’s awesome at the gym now. So awesome that she starts screaming and squealing with excitement the second we pull up, and my God, she lets them DO STUFF to her now. Today, my girl did a flip on a high (HAHAHA “high”) bar, twice. This is a long-ass way from the first day, when the kid wouldn’t leave my side and wailed through the stupid puppet show and thought the bye-bye hands were some kind of satanic instrument designed to put the bye-bye into her SOUL.
One of the best parts about living back in Boston is that we have so many friends here already. It’s been so cool to run into people I know again, and to reconnect with everyone and their kids (their kids! they didn’t have kids before!) and … oh! I still have so many people left to meet up with again, and really, it’s just so great. Most of our friends, however, work at least half-time on a regular basis (as opposed to my wackadoo freelance schedule), so the people we see the most are Megan and Lila, as Megan has the same sort of wackadoo schedule I do with her photography business.
And dude. DUDE. I never thought seeing my kid have a friend would be so adorable. She recognizes the other kids, sure, but not like she recognizes Lila. Her WHOLE BODY starts wiggling if she sees her, and sometimes, there is yelling. They go toddling over to each other, start touching one another’s faces in weird places (“BE GENTLE!” is a common refrain on my end) and oh, the smiling! The smiling and the squealing and … oh man. MAN. Lila usually says something totally incoherent to Sam, who pretends to understand and occasionally nods and gestures in response and ACK, the little drunk people, they’ve totally run away with my heart.
(Also, since I know many of you “know” Megan, let me also say that she is fantastic, hanging out with her is refreshing and great, and I’d make her hang out with me even if our kids didn’t like each other, and thank God she’s here.)
To totally switch gears, I’ve been trying to give up soda, because I am COMPLETELY out of control when it comes to it, and literally cannot stop myself from downing it in large quantity if it is anywhere nearby. Though I try to keep my food douchery in check, I can’t deny that no matter which way I cut it, soda is awful for me. If you drink regular, you’re basically setting up an IV of HFCS. Drink diet? ACK THE CHEMICALS. Fine! This is fine. I can totally give it up, as I drink a lot of coffee (FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS), and seltzer is quite delicious and conveniently packaged and fine! Yes, fine.
However, my God, what the EFF is it with seltzer that it EXPLODES everywhere like it’s been Mento’d in one of those godawful YouTube bits? If I had a DOLLAR for every time I wore lime Polar seltzer, my GEEZUZ PLEASE, I would have at least a hundred dollars and WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHAT? No matter what I do, I end up WEARING SELTZER. This is not okay, and totally not conducive to my new, chemical-free habits. It’s as though the people at Polar don’t WANT the extra business! Or — OR! — they want PROOF that seltzer is good for removing stains, to the point that they are just going to spontaneously shoot it all over you and OH LOOK! That olive oil stain you didn’t even know was there is now GONE! WE ARE MAGICAL.
Bee Tee Dub, swim lessons are Friday and today I bought a swimsuit with horizontal stripes and ACK ACK ACK! What’s worse? IT WAS THE BEST I COULD DO. I almost bought a Miracle Suit, but firstly, $150, no thank you. Second? Look, Miracle Suit people, I may be a little on the less-than-superskinny (or ANY TYPE OF SKINNY) side and yes, I may desire a swimsuit that nips and tucks my butt, boobs and belly into nice, friendly little shapes, but I am OVERWEIGHT. I am not EIGHTY. Why? Why must these suits be in petite little polka dots with ruffles — or worse! — crazy animal prints! No, no, I’m sorry, I’m not going to attend my kid’s swim lessons in a leopard-print suit with a plunging neckline, no matter how great it sucks in my ass or lifts my boobs.
This is how I ended up with crazy horizontal stripes that, oddly, are somewhat slimming, likely because you’re staring at the bizarro stripes wondering why in the Sam Hill I would choose such a suit, rather than gazing at my midsection.
Hey, happy Wednesday!
*Jesca Hoop
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,Uncategorized
27 Comments Add your own
1. moira | June 29th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Land’s End Carmela suit. Has underwire! And pretty colors. I’ve bought two and they are so perfect for baby’s swim class. I don’t feel like a total dweeb meeting other new moms for the first time (i.e. no animal print), but my girls are supported and where they should be.
2. fishing plzz help!!!!!?&hellip | June 30th, 2010 at 12:32 am
[...] Big Fish | Jonniker. [...]
3. Swistle | June 30th, 2010 at 6:45 am
Ha ha—the tittle!
EXACTLY with the “overweight not 80″ thing. EXACTLY. I have the same problem with a lot of the plus-sized clothing.
Hey, I’m trying to cut back on diet soda too! Target was giving out samples (since when does Target give out samples?) of flavored sparkling water, and I was like, “H….Hey! This is not so bad!” Which I realize is not the kind of review that will get me a spokeswoman job, but I really thought I’d HATE anything fizzy that didn’t have sweetener of some kind, but NO, I DIDN’T hate it, glory be!
4. Slim | June 30th, 2010 at 7:29 am
You know, some of us do not even have access to Polar seltzer (ah, cranberry-lime goodness, you are one of the many things I am looking forward to on our trip to Boston) and would gladly be sprayed with it daily than never have access to it.
Looky! A my-life-is-harder-than-yours-count-your-blessings-hearts-outside-their-bodies post! Yay!
Also, I don’t mind looking fat or 80. What’s wrong with 80? But I still hate shopping for bathing suits. Or clothes generally. So let me just say that I love your bathing suit. Great choice! You look swimtacular.
5. Diane | June 30th, 2010 at 8:08 am
Horizontal stripes are apparently slimming. I KNOW. It didn’t make any sense to me either. But then I looked at this little diagram thing, and, HUH. The horizontally striped one DOES look taller and thinner.
http://www.vigilans.net/images/akitaoka/Helmholt.gif
I’m still not sure I believe it, but your new swimsuit is helping to convince me.
6. Suki | June 30th, 2010 at 9:07 am
As an avid, and I mean AVID, seltzer drinker, I have a patented and nearly fool (foul?) proof opening technique. I’ll try to describe it in words, but I fear this may require some sort of video tutorial. The key here is to go slow. Don’t just crank the bottle all the way open, or an explosion is pretty much guaranteed. I start by twisting the cap off a little bit. This will result in a mini-explosion within the bottle. As soon as this mini-explosion starts to reach the top of the bottle, twist that bad boy shut again as quickly as you can. Lather, rinse, repeat. With each successive opening and closing (and it should only take 3 or so) the explosiveness should diminish until you can twist the cap all the way off. Not sure if that makes any sense, but I swear, it works.
7. AndreAnna | June 30th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Wait – did you know that Spanx now makes bathing suits? http://www.spanx.com/category/index.jsp?categoryId=3955559
You’re welcome.
8. Melis | June 30th, 2010 at 10:39 am
I second the Land’s End recommendation. So many cute, control options that are not hideous or overly binding. You can also try them on at Sears, and if you order from the website at the Sears store, you get free shipping.
To instantly feel better about how you look in a bathing suit, I recommend taking a water aerobics class. My primary form of exercise is lap swimming, so one day I decided to join in water aerobics class at my gym. Let me tell you, nothing made me feel more slim, young, and gorgeous than being surrounded by a bunch of 55+, 250+lb women also in bathing suits (and rocking the body positivity, I might add). Plus, the class was surprisingly fun.
9. Kate | June 30th, 2010 at 11:53 am
I pretty much have to drape the seltzer bottle in a towel before I can open it.
10. jonniker | June 30th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
Suki! I did it! AND IT WAS EFFECTIVE. Thank you! Thank you!
11. Li | June 30th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Suki — your seltzer opening method is what i was going to suggest, it does work…. but when i forget, or am in a rush…. DRENCHED.
AndreAnna — I bought a spank bathing suit. i love it.
I also have a MiracleSuit. With a skirt. And I think I rock it… or at least tell myself that. But I can see the spanx suit edging it out fo the rotation.
12. Sara | June 30th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I love me some fizzy water. But it totally explodes all the time! I do the really sloooow open, let it fizz, open a ltittle more, let it fizz and then can usually get it open without it everywhere, but that is so damn tedious. Good thing I love it so much.
Check out Lands End for good suits. (Yes, I know late advice) Coverage yes, old lady ruffles and polka dots, not so much. And many many mix and match options should you like a two piece. I bought these bottoms that actually cover my bum adequetly, but are also cute.
13. Suki | June 30th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Glad I could help- anything to further seltzer consumption
14. kelly | June 30th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Long time lurker!
Get a Penguin soda maker and add a splash of any kind of juice for flavor. It’s space-saving since we don’t have to store cases of soda and better yet, don’t have to lug them from the car! A bit pricey, but I don’t think it takes too long to pay for itself, especially if you’re buying seltzer at Whole Foods like I was.
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/sodastream-penguin-water-carbonator/?pkey=x|4|1||4|penguin||0&cm_src=SCH
P.S. I grew up in Sudbury! Go visit my mom on Landham Road
15. Megan | June 30th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
Duuuude, you’re supposed to TELL ME when you blog about me. Not let me carry on a whole conversation about this same topic, without even mentioning said blog post. I SUCK at keeping up to date on my reader. Especially when I’m out strolling farmlands with you.
That said, I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here. Lila loves Sam (and “nonna”, HAAA), and I would totally force you into hanging out with me even if you didn’t have Sam.
Just wait till you see my “coral reef” swimsuit on Friday. You just wait.
16. Life of a Doctor's Wife | July 1st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I read somewhere that horizontal stripes being UNflattering is a myth. I don’t remember why it was a myth, or why whoever wrote it won over my skepticism, but as you know if It Was On the Internets, It Must Be True.
Good luck with your de-sodafying experiment. I am such an addict, I have to force myself not to drink five cans of Diet Coke each day. It’s a major act of willpower every. single. day. And I hate coffee and seltzer, so I feel like there is no alternative. Well, water. But who wants that? NO BUBBLES.
17. amandapm | July 1st, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Polar Seltzer – h*ll yes. The vanilla flavor is waywaywayway better than any vanilla-flavored soda (inc. cream soda – love) and the grapefruit and blueberry kinds are also extremely good. To cut down on the impromptu fizzy baths, I keep mine in the fridge. Added bonus is that it gets so nice and cold (well, yeah, seeing as it’s in the fridge and all) and needs no ice, etc.
18. Sarahviz | July 8th, 2010 at 9:32 am
I too have a horizontal striped tankini top that is surprisingly
f(l)attering. Lands End, FTW!
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