Master and Servant
July 19th, 2010
HA! Well, I don’t feel like such a dirty bird anymore. Truth is, I’ve washed my bathmats … twice? Three times? since we moved here, which was May 1. So … well, that’s less than some of you, more often than others, and honestly, I never spent much time thinking about DRIED PEE DUST, as so many of you have, and … dried pee dust? For real?
Now, I am sensitive to the pee molecule. I will never, and I mean NEVER, have a toilet seat made of anything that is not hard, non-porous, and able to be disinfected with a swipe of the product of your choice. This means nothing squashy, nothing fabric, and for the love of the baby Jesus, no FUR. Adam’s aunt has a squashy, furry toilet seat and I REFUSE to sit on it, because I AM SORRY. FUR HAS PEE. MUCH PEE. AND PROBABLY POOP TOO.
But bathmats … well, I don’t know. Mine are rubber-backed, and I just wash and dry them, which, I am told, could cause my entire house to either smell like rubber OR spontaneously combust, so if I disappear one day, it’s because I blew us all up washing out some stupid pee molecules in the damn machine. The news will simply report an explosion, but you’ll all know the real story.
ANYWAY, so yes, Sunny got her ass kicked by the neighbor’s dog on Friday night, and it was dark and stormy and we were on our FOURTH walk of the evening, because for a dog who likes to blow the contents of her but out on a semi-regular basis, sometimes she is just so goddamn PICKY about WHERE this assplosion happens, and I’m wondering how it’s possible that our floor is acceptable, but when she goes outside, it has to be in the PRECISE PIECE OF GRASS she’s been seeking for twentysomething minutes.
So there we are, trudging through a lightning storm, while I’m FREAKING OUT, because I am afraid of lightning and thunder, and I really believe that I’m going to be struck down and killed by my bra which is, for the record, the reason I no longer wear underwire, no matter HOW Braless African Villager these puppies get after nursing, and I’m sorry, where was I? OH YES — this … this THING just shot out of nowhere and ATE HER and SHOOK HER and AH! AH! AH! I was yelling AHHHHH! and then AHHHHH! and “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” and THAT was really helpful, all that yelling! Because YELLING peels a dog off of another dog! And right, of course RIGHT! I was just being punked! HA HA!
The dog’s … owner? handler? came shooting out, apologizing, claiming he got off the leash, when I’m sorry, THERE WAS NO LEASH ATTACHED and it is at this point that I do NOT need to tell you we’ve had two days of bloody diarrhea, right? RIGHT?
It turns out it was a pet sitter who let the dog escape, AND it turns out the owners are lovely people who are aware of their dog’s, uh, less than friendly feature, and I’d say all’s well that end’s well (uh, they want to be friends, it seems, and I LIKED THEM), except that I still have a dog who poops copious amounts of blood and (SORRY) mucus onto the floor, and no amount of friendly neighborhood barbecues are going to fix THAT little problem, let me tell you.
Speaking of mucus, did you know that mucous is adjectival, while mucus is a noun? This is something I, an actual no-shit professional editor, learned only recently, most likely because I can count on less than one hand the amount of documents I’ve edited that feature mucus, unless you count this here blog, which includes mucus more than anyone would like. As does my life.
Bottom line, Sunny’s on a low-dose antibiotic that supposedly heals up the freaky ulcers, and if that doesn’t work, she’s going on Prozac. Yes, Prozac. YES, MY DAMN DOG.
And with that, let’s all go to our happy places, which for me is a tiny person giving me a cheesy fake smile (SHE DOES THIS FOR THE CAMERA) while playing in her plastic pool. Wearing pajamas.
Happy Tuesday! Kate’s coming today! KATE!
*Depeche Mode
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,Sunny The Pug,The anxious anxiety
21 Comments Add your own
1. Dani | July 19th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Poor you! Poor traumatized Sunny the pug! Beebs looks most adorable in the picture. I love her hair and the cheeser smile!
2. agirlandaboy | July 20th, 2010 at 12:49 am
Dude, Sam’s fake smile makes it all better. For me, least.
3. H | July 20th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Poor Sunny, I hope she’s feeling better soon. Sam is awesome!
4. Christine | July 20th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Oh poor poor Sunny. Egads.
But, Sam! My goodness. She’s gotten so big.
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6. The Maiden Metallurgist | July 20th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Poor pup! Here’s to a speedy recovery!
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8. Maggy | July 20th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Actually, I did know the mucus/mucous distinction. Of course, I work in health care, and I actually use the word mucous to describe stuff. yeah. So many of my colleagues don’t know the difference, though. And I’m amazed at the doctors (doctors! who went to school even longer than I did!) who don’t know the difference between lie and lay.
I may be a stickler, though.
How often do I wash my throw rugs? When they look like they need it. And I have room in the laundry.
Hugs to Sunny. Why are dogs so particular about where they evacuate outside, but inside, anything goes?
9. Jamie | July 20th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
those curls!!!!!!!!! love.
10. monkey | July 20th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Yeah, our cat is on anti-anxiety medications. My dad chases him around every night wheedling that it’s time to take the “happy tablet”.
11. Raven | July 20th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
My ex-boyfriend had a huge german shepherd, a huge german shepherd that had to be on puppy prozac because she had separation anxiety and would beat herself bloody on her kennel or tear everything apart in the house when not in her kennel. Apparently it goes across all breeds.
We only occasionally have to dose our girls with benedryl (for storms and whatno) leave the white noise fan on high and the tv on to avoid the prozac.
12. craftyashley | July 20th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Sunny makes my lifts-his-leg-on-every-toy-dog seem so much more manageable. Thank you for that.
… now I’m off to wash my bath mats. It has probably been a while and the pee dust thing freaked me out. I just put them through a wash and hang them to dry. I buy cheap ones because washing makes any and every mat, no matter how expensive, fall apart quickly.
13. Carolyn J. | July 20th, 2010 at 9:29 pm
That kid’s got great hair.
14. Shelly | July 21st, 2010 at 8:02 am
Poor Sunny! What a nightmare neighbor dog. Hope the owners keep a better hold on him.
Sam is SO SO CUTE! That smile totally makes it all better.
15. Becky | July 21st, 2010 at 8:48 am
I’ve just thrown my bathmats/rugs into the washer and dryer for years (every few weeks or so) and never had a problem. No rubber smell or flames shooting through my laundry room. But then again, I usually wash in cold or warm water and don’t necessarily use the hottest setting on the dryer.
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17. chirky | July 21st, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Her curls kill me. KILL. So, so, so cute!
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19. Elle | July 23rd, 2010 at 1:13 am
I hope Sunny is feeling better. Your daughter is just precious!
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