Power of Two
July 25th, 2010
Hi ho!
Last week was just awesome. Kate was here. Kate! My dear Vermont friend, and oh, I just love her so. It was such a joy having her and her 11-month-old son Jacob here, and while I normally miss Adam on business trips, I daresay it worked out better with him gone, because it was like girls night out in the entire time she was here. We stayed up late drinking wine and talking, were zombies by day (since when does girls’ night in include 6:30 a.m. screeching wake-up calls?) and though it was a blast, I was effing EXHAUSTED by the time they left, because when I tried to sleep at night, I couldn’t, since I was STILL TOO EXCITED. It was ridiculous; I was like a little kid on Christmas Eve. I just kept thinking, KATE IS RIGHT THERE. AND THEN TOMORROW, WE WILL HAVE COFFEE AND PLAY WITH THE KIDS. AND THEN DRINK WINE AND TALK. AND TALK SOME MORE.
You’re never too old for sleepovers, it turns out, although there was no hair braiding, and no one did anything mean. God, do you remember that? Of course you do. I distinctly remember people doing the whole hand-in-water thing and worse, during a particularly vicious middle school sleepover in the midst of a row of some sort, people smearing Vaseline on the faces of their maligned comrades in an attempt to … clog their pores? I think? God, we were just not bright. Bra freezing would have been much smarter, and though I think there was some of that, I do believe I was the only victim of such shenanigans, which was fine, since I basically didn’t need a bra until I got pregnant anyway, and I think I just carried it home in a plastic Food Lane bag.
Which brings me to, oddly, the fact that Sam is entirely weaned. She was mostly weaned, and then I thought she would self-wean, and then I thought things would get better, and then I started sneaking it to her, like cigarettes under the bleachers, and then before I knew it, there we were, nursing again. And now we aren’t, and in the grand scheme of things, it was surprisingly easy. The hardest part was at first, when she regressed a bit and wanted to — please wait for it — SUCK ON MY BOOBS, WHILE WATCHING TELEVISION. Yes. Child wanted to kick back with some Moose A. Moose while chilling with her bag of potato chips boobs.
I am happy about this, as it was more than time. But also, when I think about it, I’m sad, because it’s true: my girl is no longer a baby. Well, she still is in so many ways, like, uhh, vocabulary (“NAH? NAH?” apparently means “GIVE ME THAT BUCKET.” It also means, “HEY, I AM THIRSTY.” And in times of desperation, can be used for, “HAVE YOU SEEN MY SIPPY CUP, OH WAIT THERE IT IS IN MY HAND, THANKS.”) And yes, I’m lucky that she’s a total snuggler. But still! Gah. The growing and the growing up, it is happening before my eyes.
I think I’d be sadder if I wasn’t planning another, and though there are no guarantees, I think knowing that I might at least get the chance to try this again really helps. Which is why my second child will nurse until s/he’s in grad school. What? Is that … odd?
The whole second child thing has been the subject of many of us, since there was a bit of a blogging class who had kids around the same time, along with many of my real-life friends. It’s hard, isn’t it? I’ve always known I wanted more than one kid, just because I’ve had such a positive experience with all of my siblings, in different ways. Despite more half- and step-siblings than most, I am the only product of my mom and dad, and frankly, it was a bit lonely going through their break-up alone, and navigating the muddy waters of the aftermath without another person to bear witness. It was … strangely burdensome, no matter how lovely my parents were (are), or no matter how difficult the time was. Maybe another person would have made it harder, maybe it would have been easier — I’m not sure. I can’t say I wish for my life or siblings to be any different — I don’t, for I am thrilled with how it all worked out, and my parents are amazing, all four of them — but it has made me think about how I want my own family to look.
And though I don’t see Adam and me divorcing (no, I really and truly don’t, but I realize that no one truly plans on it), for me, the experience of having, and in some cases wanting, witnesses to my childhood is most meaningful and/or desirable, and I want the same and more, for Sam. And so, (at least, but probably limited to) two it is. There was a flash of a time when Adam considered stopping at just one — just our perfect little Sam — until he realized that we were having the discussion on our way to his brother’s house. You know, the brother and his family that we love and miss and enjoy hanging out with. The one who gave the toast at our wedding. The one who cheered Adam on at basketball games growing up when his parents couldn’t go.
Yeah, that one. Two it is.
And so it begins — not today, but at some point. The misery of trying to get pregnant (and I don’t mean the MECHANICS of it, I mean the anxiety and the waiting and the … OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), especially since Sam wasn’t exactly a piece of cake. The maybe-pregnancy, with the hope that I won’t barf my way through life the second time; the hope that I don’t see parts of every meal twice and sometimes three times. The hope I don’t lose my mind again and end up crying into the fifteen pounds of potato salad I was making for Adam’s company pot luck.
If we’re really lucky, the newborn stage. HA HA. The newborn stage! You GUYS! DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT MY NEWBORN STAGE WAS LIKE?
THIS. IT WAS THIS. (Thank you, Amalah, for offering me the opportunity to document, FOREVER, precisely what those months were like. I’ve referred to that thousands of times to remind myself that I am a rockstar.)
And then I just think we’re completely crazy, and that we should just call the whole thing off and use the money we’d save on a second child and go to Aruba. And then I remember WE NEVER GO TO ARUBA, which is the same conclusion I came to before I had Sam, and you see? You see how this is all very messy.
You see.
But still. I hope there are two. I hope we are that lucky.
*Indigo Girls. OH YES I DID. It’s like 1993 up in here!
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Pregnancy,The anxious anxiety
25 Comments Add your own
1. cindy w | July 25th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
We’re trying for baby #2 here too. (But, uh, you are way more of a rock star than me, because it took me until my kid was almost 3 to decide that I was ok with trying again, because holy crap, that first year was traumatic.) We’ve been trying for over 10 months now, and I finally broke down & bought the iPeriod app for my iPhone to help chart my cycles. I cannot begin to tell you what I dork I felt like dropping $1.99 on that sucker. But with my first kid, I charted it by myself in Excel. And it was hard! And confusing! So, now I have a handy little phone app tell me when I’m supposed to shag my husband, which is weird. But hopefully it’ll work.
2. Suebob | July 25th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
The second one will be easier. I promise. (I’m joking. I can’t promise. But I can wish.)
3. agirlandaboy | July 25th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
I hope you are that lucky too (and I really hope Sam is). I think I “won” the second-kid debate here by comparing it to–of all things–circumcision (story to come), so hey, maybe we’ll get to be pregnant pals all over again!
4. H | July 25th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Good luck, whenever you start trying!
I get visitor-induced insomnia too. It kind of makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one.
5. Marie Green | July 25th, 2010 at 11:15 pm
Oh, weaning. I had such mixed feelings about it. Well, not with the twins. With them, I was all I HATE THIS AND I’M NEVER DOING IT AGAIN. *Ahem* They were, after all, 15 months. And I did, for the record, nurse them again, but I was VERY clear from that point on that I was done. (And now I feel like I need to say that I DID enjoy nursing them, for the most part. But I hit my breaking point around 15 months.)
But anyway! Weaning my singleton was emotional for me… I wanted to be done sooooo badly, but then again I DIDN’T. And THEN she decided to stop asking to nurse and I was no longer in control and I was all nooooooo, wait, HURRAY, wait NOOOOOOO. In the end, I allowed her to self-wean, as it seemed unfair to lure her back to the breast only to decide 3, 4, 6 or whatever months later that I was done.
So! I have a lot to say about weaning. Congrats to you- it’s such glorious freedom once they are weaned!
As for when to have another baby? Well, the first time we made that decision we were 100% certain that the time was right and we just went for it. NOW? I can’t decide if we are done or not. It drives me CRAZY, as I ponder it several times/day… I just want to know one way or the other… AND YET. Can’t decide. *sigh*
In any case, I hope conception goes smoothly for you this time! And cheers to the Indigo Girls.
6. Kader | July 26th, 2010 at 5:32 am
Strange. Everyone else is commenting on the second child discussion. Or, at least, the weaning discussion. Why aren’t they commenting on Kate’s awesome visit?????
Oh, okay. You say that that’s not as interesting as a possible second child? Who knew?
I guess Jacob was a little too old to have given us a true sense of what Sam will be like with her sibling. But wouldn’t it be nice if you could just begin with an 11-month old?
Just let me know, and we’ll build a nice adjoining home…
7. Swistle | July 26th, 2010 at 7:14 am
I hope so too!
8. Kristin H | July 26th, 2010 at 7:40 am
The screaming! I totally forgot about the screaming! Geeeeeez. Compared to that, just about anything will be a cakewalk with #2.
9. Amy | July 26th, 2010 at 8:36 am
My little guy is only a little younger than Sam, so we are in the same place and wanting to add to the family, but trying to figure out just the right time (like that exists). Good luck to you!
10. Amy | July 26th, 2010 at 8:40 am
Congrats (or not) on weaning!
Question though (as I’m in the same boat currently): Do you think it was easier because you waited until Sam was 17 months (instead of 14/15)? My daughter can’t seem to let go. I have tried delaying her request, but she acts like the world is ending for her. So, I give in, because really I am not ready to quit either (plus, we are down to only 3 seesion per day, so not too bad). Though it would be nice to sleep in every once in a while and let her Dad get up with her in the morning. (Not that I could anyway as once I hear her in the morning I am AWAKE for the day).
11. KT | July 26th, 2010 at 8:46 am
Currently trying for baby #1 right now so yes, I do know all about the anxiety and the waiting. It is not fun. Men have it so easy.
12. Liz | July 26th, 2010 at 8:59 am
My stepdaughter is DROOLING for a sibling. BEGGING. It makes me so sad, in some ways, because she is 13 and I know that it won’t be the same type of sibling relationship that I think of in my head, but I still would love to give that to her. (You know. And me. It’s only partly selfless, right?)
I have to believe the pain the assery associated with multiple young children is outweighed in the end by the good things brought by the larger family unit. i HAVE to believe this, because God if I don’t want at LEAST two as well.
13. Jamie | July 26th, 2010 at 10:04 am
Props to you on this momentous decision! You are a wonderful person and mother, and I hope you and Adam are blessed with all the children that you could ever want.
14. TwoBusy | July 26th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
I can hardly wait until kid #2 turns out to be kids #2 and 3.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…
15. jonniker | July 26th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
B-dog, if I had HUNDREDS OF DOLLAH BILLS to bet on the fact that you’d say that, I’d have done so.
16. Alias Mother | July 26th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
I never thought it was particularly sad to be an only child until I watched a friend go through the death of her mother. ALONE. She was the only one to help her mother through the illness, plan the funeral, pack up the house, deal with the debts, and, oh yeah, grieve. ALONE. It made me appreciate my siblings in a whole new way.
Also: weaning. With my first, I mourned for about two days before I realized that freedom! Glorious freedom! was mine again. Now #2 is six months old and I plan on nursing him forever. Until, one day, I don’t. Then! Freedom! Again.
17. Aunt Becky | July 26th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Oh I remember those days as I was weaning Alex. I’m still a little sad, actually. Okay, maybe a little more sad than I should be, but I’m done with babies until I have my love child with a rock star.
18. Amy K | July 26th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
My husband and I (both only children ourselves) have been struggling with the same issue, but I think we’re stopping with one. Our reasons all sound horribly selfish on paper. We’re so happy with our family dynamic now, and I’m scared to make any changes. Life is perfect with just one amazing toddler. I’m the world’s biggest bitch when I don’t get enough sleep, and we were somehow blessed with a baby who slept through the night from the beginning. What if we got the opposite the next time around? With one kid, it’s so easy to get some “me time” without much effort. Would we still be able to make time for ourselves if we were juggling two? We can afford to take vacations and pay for a good private school with just one. And worst of all: my stretch marks are finally barely noticable, and I don’t want any more, dammit. I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see pregnant women now, but it’s a tiny twinge.
19. Elle | July 26th, 2010 at 6:23 pm
You snuck into my head didn’t you?
My daughter is 15 months and while she’s a total handful and a half, my uterus has been whispering: baby…I want another babeh.
But then I worry about the dynamics that go into having two kids. Even less sleep, having enough time for both, and worst of all, what if I love one more than the other. I know that there will be enough love for both but in my experience my younger sister was clearly the favorite and still is.
Of course maybe that will make me more aware of what NOT to do with 2 kids.
20. -R- | July 27th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Maybe your second child will be quiet and an awesome sleeper but refuse to nurse, just to mix it up a bit.
21. ASL | July 27th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
We already have two (almost 3 1/2 and 17 months), and given that my husband and I are both the youngest of three so feel like we HAVE to have at least three to get the BEST ONE, we’re starting the discussion of when that might happen. It’s kind of amazing how the lady parts kick into high gear once the baby completes the metamorphosis into full-on toddler. Sniff. Logistically, I know we should wait another year…but damn if I’m not all nostalgic and weepy for another baby ASAP, and our #2 was the exact same screamy, refluxy mess that Sam was, after #1 was champion sleeper, happiest-baby-on-the-block right out of the starting gate.
I actually think going through that screamfest helps, though, with the decision to have more. Now I *know* that I can survive that type of newborn…and if I can survive that, while also wrangling a two-year-old, then I’m pretty sure I can do anything. The other bonus is that now I know that it does, in fact, END. And not just end, but even result in a super happy, good-natured toddler. If it happens again, I can repeat the mantra of “this, too, shall pass” to myself over and over and over again and actually know that it’s *true*. Big points in favor of maintaining sanity.
22. SwingCheese | July 28th, 2010 at 7:57 am
My husband and I (both only children, though he has two half siblings, but they are 13 and 15 years younger than he is, respectively, and he was living with his other parent when they were little, so not a lot of contact) were just opening the discussions about a second one when I had a positive pregnancy test. It turned out to be false, but my reaction to what I thought was going to be baby #2 (namely, crying b/c I didn’t understand how I could love someone else as much as I love boyo) told me everything I needed to know. Boyo will remain an only child. I admire people with multiple children, but I don’t think it’s for me.
23. Amy | July 28th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Weaning! Oh my god! Same. Exact. Experience. Same. Except for the um, well, the part about the actual weaning having been achieved. Ahem. Yeah. Except for that. And now I have the lovely added addition of, whenever I see my daughter after a little time away (doesn’t matter where, oh no…grocery store? My office? The farmer’s market? Church…okay, that’s a lie, don’t go to church, but still) she points directly at my chest and screams “BOOB”!
And I so want to be done. But I too am sneaking them to her EXACTLY LIKE CIGARETTES oh my god what’s wrong with me. Do you have any actual practical advice on how the hell you made it happen? Besides, you know, the usual crap about “doing it with love”? Because that’s super helpful. Oh thanks, Dr. Sears, because until I read that I was planning on doing it with HOT SAUCE.
24. jordan sneakers | July 30th, 2010 at 2:36 am
Strange. Everyone else is commenting on the second child discussion.
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