New York, New York
July 27th, 2010
If you’d told me before I had kids that one of the highlights of my day would be watching a chain reaction of toddlers melting the eff DOWN, screaming in succession, one after the other, complete with whining, I’d have told you that you were crazy. Because it IS crazy, but when they lose their shit like that, I’m sorry, it’s FUNNY. One of Sam’s playgroup buddies (a playgroup Megan and I actually took an active part in starting, which, who are we?) was tired, Sam was playing with the mom’s keys — keys she obviously needed to drive home, and when they were taken from her, RUN, JOEY, RUN; Lila was all done with all of it and just wanted to go to bed, and there we were, screaming and whining kids being lugged out the door like wild turkeys.
Toddlers, I’m sorry, are ridiculous, irrational creatures with no respect for those around them, and no clue about the havoc they cause. It’s a little like living with an infant in terms of cognitive reasoning, but they’re mobile, with the ability to move around and stuff, and it’s just absurd, the way biology allows this to happen. Yet it’s kind of hilarious, because who these kids think they are is beyond me. Every day is a push-pull of “I can do it myself! I don’t need you!” followed by, “WAIT! Where are you going? I NEED YOU, FOR THE LOVE! GET BACK HERE! DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU COULD LEAVE?” and so on.
Incidentally, part of the reason the playgroup happened is because I sort of fell in love with one of the moms after she dropped an F-bomb in My Gym. You can’t be an uptight sanctimonious douche of a mom if you’re going to let it rip like that during separation time, and I liked what I saw there, friends. I LIKED IT.
So! Since now seems to be the time to talk about it, I should once again mention that I’m going to BlogHer, so if you’re going, and you see me, please say hello. I’ll post more pictures next week so that you know precisely what I look like, if you don’t already, but for now, I’ll tell you that I have short hair, sometimes (but not always!) wear glasses and will likely be wearing pink Chuck Taylors during the daylight hours.
I will also tell you that I’m a mixture of amused and horrified by all the panic and prep going on — honestly, I’ve been nervous about precisely none of it, save for what I was going to wear (and uhh, leaving my kid for the first time, but I CANNOT EVEN GO THERE). If you saw my regular wardrobe, by the way, you would know why this is. I mean, I look reasonably put together (are we laughing yet?) during the day, but we’re talking bermuda shorts, Ts and flip flops. This is because I do things like take my kid to farms (blech!) and splash parks and swim lessons and not, say, jaunting around New York with people who will not squeeze their fruit pouch all over my chest and into my bra.
The point is, I was panicked about my wardrobe, not the people. Or the parties. Or the … what else are people panicking about? And people! I’m not even that SOCIAL! But reading all these tweets and exclusivity and private party angst, and I’m just like, DUDE. YO GABBA GABBA! Follow the rules of DJ Lance and we’ll be fine!
1) Do your own thing! When you want to play, but you get left out; When you want to go along, but get left behind; When you want to fit in, but there’s no more ROOOOOOOOOM. It’s better than to let it get you DOWN. (I think this was Foofa’s song and IT FITS)
So basically, if someone’s being assy and rubbing a private event in your face (and listen, they happen, but they happen EVERYWHERE, and no one is super-speshul for being invited to one vs. not), dust yourself off and, if you want to, come find me. I’m sure I’ll be lurking around somewhere awkwardly, probably holding Jennie’s hand. Or you could just go see New York, which is pretty awesome. Well, unless you’re me. I’ve been enough times to know that it just stresses me out, so if you’re that way, too, maybe we can hit the serenity suite. (What? I feel dirty! All those people! And there’s just NO END to the BUILDINGS! I NEED MY OCEAN. WHERE IS MY OCEAN?)
2) Everything is generally more fun when you include everyone! I can even sing this for you if you want to, in Toodee’s voice.
3) Don’t bite your friends. Or, more specifically, be nice. I mean … right? I’m really nice! And super-approachable. Yes, I get weird in large crowds, but that’s because I’m quietly panicking about all the people in the room and wondering where the fire exits are, and I’m not really kidding about that at all. If you approach me one on one, I AM SUPER-NICE, especially once I’ve found the exits and fire extiguishers. And also, a hugger. Oh, and I ask a lot of questions about you. I was a journalist. It happens. I WANT TO KNOW. Just a heads-up that I am super excited to meet you and will hug you. Unless you’re wearing a turban AND a romper, in which case I will probably just stare in abject confusion, but WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?
Happy Wednesday!
*Many people, but I like Ryan Adams’ the best.
Entry Filed under: General jackassery,The anxious anxiety
53 Comments Add your own
1. Kakaty | July 27th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Thing the 1st: Now I have “don’t don’t don’t bite your friends!” in my head. Thing the 2nd: your last line made me laugh so loud I woke my husband up. So, a bright yellow turban alone is ok?
2. anna | July 27th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Oh, I like you. Abject confusion indeed.
3. Mrs. CPA | July 27th, 2010 at 11:54 pm
I’m totally looking forward to “the party in my tummy, the party in my tummy.” like wine, and sushi. And cheeseburgers.
4. Elle | July 28th, 2010 at 4:25 am
My daughter will walk to me and want to be picked up. As soon as I do that she kicks her legs and pushes me away so I let her down. Then she want to be picked up again. This could go on all day if I let it….AGH!
Good thing she’s so cute. I’ve said this on my blog before, hell it’s my tagline, but she really is like a hummingbird on crack.
5. The New Girl | July 28th, 2010 at 6:25 am
You forgot: Don’t say mean things to friends, don’t say mean things to friends, don’t say mean things to friends, IT’S NOT NICE!
Ah, friend. I can’t wait to give you a squeeze. I’m bringing a fruit pouch on the train, just to make you feel at home. MANGO BOOBS.
lmao.
Can’t wait to see you.
6. cindy w | July 28th, 2010 at 8:57 am
I was trying to figure out a way to work in a “there’s a party in my tummy” joke, but I can’t figure out where it would fit. (Maybe after eating the Giant Effing Unicorn Cake at the Mamapop party? Yep, that’d do it.)
I kind of want to wear an unironic turban and cameltoe/armpit-cleavage-showing romper just to see the look on your face. Except I’d have to actually go *buy* those things first, and I don’t think we even have an American Apparel outlet in Raleigh. Damn. Oh well.
7. Jessica (Jersey) | July 28th, 2010 at 9:34 am
If you do end up at a party, Yo Gabba Gabba provides the dance moves: do the Puppet Master! (Raise your knee, raise your other knee, raise your foot, raise your other foot, walk in a circle, do the puppet-master!)
I get large-group social anxiety, too. Heck, sometimes I get one-on-one social anxiety. My fear is less about fire escapes and more about people being mean to me when I’m trying to be nice. Sigh, we need more nice people in the world!
8. Lemon Gloria | July 28th, 2010 at 9:37 am
Yes!!! THIS: “Every day is a push-pull of “I can do it myself! I don’t need you!” followed by, “WAIT! Where are you going? I NEED YOU, FOR THE LOVE! GET BACK HERE! DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU COULD LEAVE?” and so on.” is exactly how it is.
My son is crawling rather than toddling, but he crawls away at lightening speed. Away away away!
And yet, if Mama walks away, like, ever, it is PRECISELY as you describe above.
9. AndreAnna | July 28th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Yeah so you know I’m going, dressed as Algernon Moncrieff in a DJ Lance outfit. Bectha no one would guess that.
I don’t get all the hullabaloo and hootenanny. Chances are you’ll find me in lulus and a shirt that says “your mom” and flipflops over at the bar.
(Oh I WILL look fabulous at night but during the day? pfffft. People will be lucky if I’m not walking around in my one-piece adult feetie pajamas. Although hit is kind of warm for those).
10. Sarah | July 28th, 2010 at 9:52 am
I just had to thank you for picking Ryan Adams to give props to for the song title. Now I’ll go back to mentally willing him to tear himself away from Mandy Moore for a few minutes and go tour again.
11. Christine | July 28th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Aww I wish I were going just to meet some very specific bloggers, including you, Kristi from shewalks, Sundry (Linda) and Lawyerish, who I think is going, but is in NY in any case. Wah. I’ll be in Philly, working, but very very jealous of your fun time! Biting optional.
12. Kristabella | July 28th, 2010 at 10:58 am
I will be there! And I’m a hugger too! But I don’t know any Yo Gabba Gabba songs.
13. agirlandaboy | July 28th, 2010 at 11:52 am
Yes, it’s seriously nothing to worry about and I wish people wouldn’t stress themselves out so much. I worry about what to wear a little, but then I worry about what to wear to daycare dropoff, so that’s my problem, not a function of BlogHer being a gathering of the super-stylish and put-together. I’m looking forward to getting to the Hilton because that will mean I can stop stressing about transportation and missing my boys and starting communing with My People.
My advice to everyone is to have the number of at least one person you can call to come save you at any moment. Because it IS intimidating to walk into the ballroom during the keynotes and see HUNDREDS of people. all of whom look like strangers–OMG, where am I going to sit? and do I look like a friendless loser standing here all alone?–and I know that putting it that way perhaps makes it sound worse, but the point is that if you have someone to call, you’ll never be alone, and even if you DO end up sitting alone? You’ll survive. It’s a conference, not cheer camp; if you aren’t surrounded by friends at every second, it’s no big deal and it’s definitely not because people don’t like what you’re wearing.
14. sweetsalty kate | July 28th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Pink chucks? Perfect. I’ll watch for you. And I’m a hugger too.
I can’t wait, either. Much less social anxiety the second time. The only thing I’m worried about now, other than blisters, is those crazy New York bedbug mofos.
15. Swistle | July 28th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
I think Wubbzy has some good principles to follow, too.
Also, I think if I hear anything about “the cool kids” or about something thinking they’re “not a big enough blogger” to go, I am going to BLOW A GASKET.
16. Li | July 28th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Favorite toddler word in our house right now? “NOOOOOOOO!” — which is uttered whenever I do anything like take a sharp stick away, or suggest we may want to bathe or nap, or otherwise come up with a plan that differs in some way from my almost-19 month old’s. But, I wouldn’t want her sassy ass any other way.
Have a blast in NY! And call me if you need a sponsor for the whole “leavig your kid” thing. I will remind you that you’ll be able to read uninterrupted, and sleep with only your own sleep patterns in mind. And still miss your kid, but survive for sure!
XO
17. Lauren | July 28th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Oh, but a turban completes any outfit! Or maybe you could just leap up in the air whenever there’s a camera pointed in your general vicinity. I have never been to Blogher, and never will, but I do always enjoy the cavalcade of hand-wringing before and after.
18. TwoBusy | July 28th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
If you were riding down with me, I’d let you sit in the back seat and watch Yo Gabba videos the whole way.
Your loss, really.
19. Aunt Becky | July 28th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
What if I like to bite my friends?
20. Heather | July 28th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
It always makes me happy inside to hear toddler stories from other people. They are indeed insane impulsive bipolar little creatures. Sadly, my 15 year old is as unable to control himself emotionally as my 3 year old.
Yesterday at Target Brady screamed “I WANNA MACH BOXXXX CARRRRR NOW. I NEED ONE. NOWWWWWW. MOMMMYYYYY GET ME A CAR” for a full 20 minutes while in the cart. Eyes dripping with tears and face bright red. All I could do was chuckle because it was such a life or death situation to him.
They are such “nonsensical” little creatures.
21. Jen | July 28th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I’m really looking forward to hearing what BlogHer was like through your eyes. The posts in the days after it’s over are always entertaining, but something tells me that you are going to come back with good stories. I hope you have fun! This is one time of year that I really wish I had a blog because I’d love to meet some of my favorite bloggers.
Tonight we went to dinner at Panera, and Avery simultaneously wanted me to help her with her milk and then SHE DID NOT OMG MAMA LEAVE ME ALONE. Then when I let go, she’s all, “Mama, HEP?” It’s hard to keep up with!
22. Danell | July 28th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
See, I couldn’t go to a function like that (because I don’t actually BLOG…) because I have rampant social anxiety which makes me end up doing things like CLINGING to someone friendly like you the ENTIRE time, which in turn would cause me MONTHS of a sort-of PTSD in which I would mentally beat myself up for being such a LOSER.
23. Megan | July 28th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
I’m always like a day late to your posts.
1. The Meltdowns were HILARIOUS. Highlight of my day too. (Sad? Nah. Sad was running out of beer later that night.)
2. How come the bloggers get the pink chucks, and I get the fitflops?? Is it b/c I don’t even wear jewelry for playdates anymore? Or b/c you know my kid will probably throw something at you within 30 seconds of seeing you?
3. Now I want to come to BlogHer, but just to people-watch in the background.
Do you want to borrow my romper?
24. Denora | July 29th, 2010 at 2:08 am
I want to go to BlogHer SO MUCH, but no job = no money and pity party blah blah blah. But! If I were going, you are one of the people I most want to meet. And since I’m incredibly shy and would likely be standing in the corner staring for most of the weekend, rather than saying hi to you, I’ll just wave from my corner of the Internet and hope you have an awesome time!
25. natalie | July 29th, 2010 at 9:00 am
The turban. You had me at the turban.
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27. Accidents | July 30th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I will be spending the days y’all are at Blogher in perhaps the EXACT opposite situation. Nowheresville, Arizona (the New York of the Southwest!) in a home, wait for it…WITHOUT THE INTERNET. I’m not even bringing my laptop, as I’m traveling *wiith* Hank but *without* Hank’s father, so my carry-on space will be taken up by Tonka knock-offs and board books. I will of course track some happenings via the iphone, surely.
My fingers are crossed that someone does not break the Internet while I’m gone. Hopefully you and Anna can keep an eye on things, combining your powers of good and…”provocative.”
28. samantha Jo Campen | August 1st, 2010 at 2:49 pm
I made no promises of NOT squirting fruit punch down your shirt.
Will you be pissed of I wear a romper and turban on Friday? Because, like, my whole trip revolves around that ONE outfit.
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