In or Out
August 26th, 2010
First of all, do you love how Joanna appeared in the comments? Poor Joanna. I can now add “Bully readers into becoming friends!” into my list of dubious accomplishments. Although if I were SUPER crafty, I’d have put it on my life list, then figured out how to brand that shit.
(Secretly, I am very excited. I LIKED Joanna, right away. And here is her website. See? Likable.)
In other news, we started a new gym class with Megan and Lila, and while I really liked it, I … well, there’s no other way to say this. The instructor we had was a bit of a beefcake. No, I’m sorry, a LARGE BEEFCAKE. Hot and built and kind of … well, not remotely my type, but objectively speaking, a superhot gym-rat kind of guy. A SINGLE superhot gym-rat kind of guy. A single, IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, superhot gym-rat kind of guy, who called all the little girls in the class “princesses.”
Friends, are you thinking what I’m thinking? He’s there to meet MILFs. There’s no other explanation. Honestly, I felt like I was in some weird Desperate Housewives-meets-Edward Scissorhands-meets-Jackie Collins-type scenario where all these lonely housewives go clamoring for the hot young gym guy. A guy who teaches at THE LITTLE GYM, where the oldest client is guaranteed to be no older than, say, FIVE.
Truth be told, he was an excellent teacher — so good with the kids, honestly, and not even a little inappropriate with any of the moms — but I was somewhat relieved when I learned he was that was his last class, as he’s leaving THE LITTLE GYM OH MY GOD, to go back to school to pursue, wait for it, a degree, THEN A WIFE AND FAMILY. (A dozen MILFs just fainted right now.) (Seriously, the guy seemed to have GAME, and again, he is AT THE LITTLE GYM, LAND OF THE MILFS) The whole thing was just so … distracting, but not for the reasons you would think. I wasn’t gazing at his bulging biceps or anything (Seriously, he isn’t my type at all.) (But yes, my type of course is a hot guy, and yes, I married one, but not THAT type of hot, you know what I mean?), but I just kept wondering if anyone in the class was going to slip him their phone number.
So I … I don’t know what it says about me and our totally sexist society, as well as my own bizarre attitudes of sex, gender and child-rearing, but the entire time I was just like, SERIOUSLY, DUDE? What are you DOING here? You, with your ripped arms and Everett accent and, I’m guessing, Goodwill Hunting-style Fila jumpsuits during your off-duty hours. Toddlers are awesome, but are you … after this are you HEADING TO THE MILF’S PLACE FOR A HOUSECALL, OH MY GOD?
I’m an asshole. But that’s all I could think about the whole time.
Speaking of sex and gender, and this is a holy non-sequitur if I ever did launch one, but after finding a box of old photos, I was once again reminded of my college course on human sexuality — you know, the one EVERYONE took pass/fail for no other reason to get credit for sitting around listening to people talk about sex in a large lecture hall. It was mostly rather tame and surprisingly snooze-worthy, but I vividly remember the section on “alternative sexualities,” whatever that means, and they brought in some guest speakers to talk about the life of a bisexual.
Holy. Hell. Holy FAIL, Batman. All of the bisexuals were men, all of whom were married, all of whom regularly cheated on their wives without their knowledge or consent, with other men. All of whom were cheaters. THAT’S the paradigm of bisexuality they held up for us. How unfortunate. How … how subversive, really, now that I think about it. Sneaky fuckers, to make bisexuals look like total douchebags who can’t be bothered with little things like morals, which is absolutely, unequivocally not the case.
(Jerry Falwell is screaming from the grave.)
Look, it makes no difference who you have sex with or if you like sex with BOTH sexes, depending on the person, but Jesus, Syracuse University, that was the best you could do to demonstrate bisexuality? A bunch of cheating, philandering men? That’s … well, that’s awful, is what it is, and I was so pissed about it that I, in a rare display of pure in-person rage, walked right up to one of them after class and called him an asshole to his face, saying exactly that. Telling him that wanting to have sex with men AND women is fine, but it is not fine if you stand up there and ask us to accept you for who you are, when what you are is a CHEATING SACK OF SHIT.
He was displeased, but oddly gracious.
I’m still mad about that, but I’m mad at the professor for using them as an example to help people understand people who are different from them. That’s not a good example, or a kind one, or a fair one to put on impressionable minds, some of whom may walk away thinking all bisexuals are philandering assholes. Many years later, I MAY BE MOVED TO WRITE A LETTER.
Anyway, also in the box of college photos were pictures of the boyfriend whom I later learned got married to a woman in the TACKIEST DRESS KNOWN TO MAN. (Seriously, I wish I could show you the picture. You would die.) Also, the boyfriend who is now some crazy liturgical pastor at a southern superchurch (JOEL OSTEEEEEEN!). Aaaand, of course, the boyfriend who owns a Jewish girls’ summer camp in Maine. The one who hates me. The one who REALLLY hates me (it did not end well, and apparently he still harbors a grudge), but who now lives in my mothereffing TOWN, who I may, when he returns from summer camp, give a HEART ATTACK over the vine tomatoes at the grocery store.
HOO BOY, nothing like the old college photos to remind you that you made the right choice in life, that’s for sure. Oh, Adam. Thank God for you and your non-tacky, non-camp-owning, non-Fila-jumpsuiting, non-religious-preaching ways.
Happy weekend!
*Ani DiFranco
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs,Uncategorized,What the fuck?
16 Comments Add your own
1. Swistle | August 27th, 2010 at 7:08 am
Oh, agree. AGREE AGREE AGREE. The bisexual demonstration was SO WRONG. I notice the same thing happens with homosexual men and pedophilia: people say homosexual men shouldn’t work with young boys, as if the two things are related. But do we say straight women shouldn’t teach young boys? No! That would be ridiculous! We see the difference right away!
2. KT | August 27th, 2010 at 7:28 am
LOL. Like you finding pictures of exes, I found old letters from boyfriends when moving into our new house. I read them of course, but reading them made me realize just how lucky I was to find my husband!
3. li | August 27th, 2010 at 8:11 am
OMG – are you attending Little Gym in Westboro, because if so, i think I KNOW exactly who you are talking baout and we have our last class with him tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHAHA
4. jonniker | August 27th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Li: YES YES AND YES. YESSSSS.
5. Suki | August 27th, 2010 at 9:04 am
OK, this is completely random (but somehow that feels appropriate with this post
), but when I look at the categories in your sidebar, my eyes somehow link up “Vermont” and “What the fuck”, so to me it’s like you’re asking “Vermont, what the fuck?” And for some reason, that makes me happy 
And to continue the random, as someone who currently curses like a sailor, I’m curious about how you reconcile cursing and having a young child? Because right now, I fear that my unborn child’s first word will be fuck. I’m kind of picturing that one scene in The Wire where Bunk and McNulty say nothing but fuck and its derivations. Halp!
6. Maura | August 27th, 2010 at 9:17 am
I can’t believe that that prof. WTH? And who are these men who would out themselves to a whole college class full of… oh, wait, probably college boys. HA. They were probably trying to score, too. Just like your MILF.
I once turned a guy down for a date (and it would have been my first of VERY FEW dates in H.S.) because he was a beefcake (a football player from another H.S.). I want to go back and shake my younger self because (a) HELLO?! Someone asked you OUT! and (b) how RUDE! Because he was a football player you wouldn’t go out with him?! Younger Maura, you were an ass. (And yes, I still feel bad about this 15 years later. Hopefully I never see him over vine ripened tomatoes in the store or I will profusely apologize like an idiot.)
7. Life of a Doctor's Wife | August 27th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Wow. How… sickening that that was your professor’s model of bisexuality. I’m glad you had the balls to tell off the one dude. I mean. Wow. He not only was okay cheating on his wife… He was SO OKAY with it that he felt like he was HELPING college students to tell them about it?
Clearly I am getting too worked up about this. YUCK.
I am dying to see a photo of both the tacky wedding dress and the beefcake. And am delighted that they appeared in the same post with a bunch of “bisexual” douchewaffles.
8. Jen | August 27th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
I thought of a million things to comment on throughout this post, but somehow I find it most important to tell you that OH BEN AFFLECK in his Fila jumpsuit STILL gets my heart aflutter. My my my. But the gym rat dude would not be my type at all, for the record.
Also, did those guest speakers make you think that perhaps your professor (a man?) was running with that pack? Maybe he just brought in his buddies to speak?
9. Christine | August 27th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Oh I don’t think it could possibly be the tackiest dress worn ever. I have a very good example of a late 90s marriage in an early 90s/late 80s dress and a more recent tacky dress that I saw from a friend of a friend’s wedding and it was from just this year…Picture it:
Sheer lace corset top, tiara, big puffy princess type skirt with what appeared to be doilies hanging from it. It was awesome. And she got married under a crystal chuppah AND it looked like her mother (or MIL) stepped out of Dynasty. It was the most awesomely tacky wedding ever.
10. Christine | August 27th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Because I’m crazy I just sent you pictures (which I stole off of my friend’s FB page.) Please to enjoy.
11. SwingCheese | August 27th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
So, in purging our house before we moved, my husband was cleaning out the closet. And in said closet, he found some pictures. Pictures of me, pictures of a college ex, pictures that were (ahem) indecent. Pictures that I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN WERE EVER TAKEN. Until I came home from work and he spent, like, 20 minutes mocking me for having them. I took them to my friend’s house and burned them in her fire pit.
That having been said, he never made me feel badly for doing something so, so, so dumb in my early 20s, and he’s actually never mentioned it again (which is nice, because HELLO HUMILIATION! In front of the man who saw, nay, HELPED me birth our child, I was HUMILIATED!) Here’s to marrying the right one
12. Build Muscle Up - Bodybui&hellip | August 28th, 2010 at 6:13 am
[...] In or Out | Jonniker. [...]
13. TwoBusy | August 28th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
‘Member that time you thought I was the ex with the summer camp? That was awesome.
14. Shin Ae | August 30th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I feel dense for asking, but did you date Joel Osteen, or was that a joke? Because I feel like I really need to know. If the answer is yes, there could potentially be follow-up questions.
15. Annie | August 30th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Um, that prof you had is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder how professors get their jobs and justify some of the things they do. I had a professor in a critical thinking class tell us that “Abortion is immoral” is a factual statement rather than an opinion statement. Everyone argued it was an opinion, as morals are opinions, including the pro-life people in the classroom and he ended up ending class by standing on his chair and pretty much telling us that he knew what God wanted and we should see the light and “abortion is immoral” was a fact, just like Jesus is our savior was a fact. We all, including the super religious and conservative kid in the class, were stunned and complained to the dean.
16. TinaNZ | August 30th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
…and now you have a trackback from a list of ‘Other Great Muscle Building Sites’?!? You’re going to get some very puzzled visitors!
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