Spicks and Specks
October 13th, 2010
Do you know what I did last night? DO YOU KNOW?
I watched ants crawl in and out of Terro traps. For hours. I was completely and sickeningly unable to focus on anything but the ants crawling in and out of the pool of boric acid, watching their bellies swell to the point of impeding their ability to walk, and I just sat back, procrastinating on a shit-ton of work with a glass of wine. I mean I sat on the goddamn OTTOMAN, which isn’t even COMFORTABLE. And worse! I was reporting on their progress to, um, Twitter! And Adam! OH LOOK, BABY, THE ANTS ARE EATING THE TRAPS! I was rubbing my hands together and cackling in an unironic fashion, over and over again.
It was very sad. And I’ve done it before. The Terro traps are like ANT TEEVEE.
Anyway. A few things, almost entirely unrelated:
- The last few days with Sam have been almost magical. The snuggling! The laughing! Oh, it’s been a never-ending funbag of giggles and independent play and yes, an odd attachment to our refrigerator magnets and plastic pieces of mail, but still! So enjoyable. And then, as quickly as it began, it all melted down like a nickel on the floor of Chernobyl, and today she wouldn’t leave my side, and by my side, I mean, she had to be ATTACHED TO MY HIP in the most literal fashion, and God, it’s like a constant YO YO up in here, I tell you.
- Yes, it’s true, I thought the Hell’s Angels were a philanthropic organization and that the concept of organized crime in motorcycle gangs was a total myth. This came out via a conversation as I was viewing Sons of Anarchy with Adam, which he watches regularly, though I don’t. He was attempting to catch me up, and the conversation went something like this:
So, that woman became a surgeon, then she realized that this whole biking thing is who she is, and she wants to be an Old Lady.
An Old Lady? Like the Old Spice Lady?
No, like a biker’s chick kind of thing.
Oooh! I get it! Like the Pink Ladies in Grease! Well, Grease 2, actually.
Not really like that at all.
Well, yeah, but Stephanie couldn’t be a Pink Lady after she broke up with Johnny, because it means they’re T-Bird chicks and –
No.
It turns out, after the conversation progressed, that Hell’s Angels are kind of scary — okay, fine SOME, or whatever, I don’t know, really, I just learned about this whole One Percenter thing — and on the FBI’s list of organized crime … somethings? And that they are not, in fact, like the Guardian Angels, which is what I thought they were, and I think I thought — no, seriously — that the Hell’s Angels wore berets under their helmets, and … well, that’s probably enough.
This is almost worse than the time I thought that Russell Simmons was famous because he was the founder of Russell Athletic. You know, the sweatshirt people.
I hastily add that I thought this because ADAM TOLD ME THAT, thinking that the joke was obvious, and no. No, it wasn’t. In fact, it was so far from obvious to me that the way I discovered that this was, indeed, not true was because I TOLD SOMEONE ELSE, and was all, Oh yeah! Russell Simmons! The sweatshirt guy! Which, um, ha ha, no.
Ahem.
Moving on.
– So yesterday, I was driving somewhere with Sam (back in happier moments, before she decided she hated me), and the Bee Gees came on the radio (OLD LADY RADIO AHOY), and … you guys, have you HEARD the Bee Gees recently? Have you realized how AWFUL they are? You guys! It was WORSE THAN THE CHIPMUNKS. How did they ever make it? How were they not laughed out of the recording studio? HOW AND WHY ARE THEY DOING FALSETTOS ON PURPOSE, ALL THE TIME?
It was as if I heard them anew, truly, and I was more appalled than I can accurately convey here. It was horrifying, and I was retroactively embarrassed for them, even Maurice, God rest his soul. I say this even though Andy Gibb was my first crush ever, thanks to Xanadu, which I realize he was not in, but at the time he bore a striking resemblance to Michael Beck and when you’re five, it all blends together, because all you want to do is be Olivia Newton-John on roller skates singing about magic and then getting sucked into a mural with Gene Kelly. Or something. Either way, hand to God, one of the first memories I have is of sitting on the toilet, calling for my mom and then when she popped her head in, announcing, “Mom, I love Andy Gibb. LIKE A GIRL.”
(She remembers this. Neither one of us are sure why I insisted on telling her while still seated on the toilet. I mean, I was FIVE.)
(Random aside: did you know Maurice Gibb died of something called VOLVULUS, where your intestine just sort of flips over itself and gets all twisty? OOH LOOK, something new to be afraid of! I shall now panic every time I’m constipated!)
Well, this turned into a hot mess of Old Ladies, Pink Ladies and Volvulus Panic. I hope you have a great Thursday.
*A BEE GEES REFERENCE.
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,Nuttin',Pop! Goes the Culture
41 Comments Add your own
1. Suebob | October 13th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
Oh, hai, look what’s 3 blocks from my house:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/suebobdavis/510795209
And no, the Angels are most certainly NOT a philanthropic organization. There’s a reason I let my H.A. neighbor Rusty and his dear pit bull watch my house while I’m gone on vacay.
2. Alex | October 13th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Although I’ve read for a long, long time, I haven’t commented before. I think you’re a brilliant writer, and I enjoy your style muchly. I just needed to say that this entire post had me in laughing-out-loud-stitches. Which is exactly what I needed tonight, so thanks.
3. Raven | October 14th, 2010 at 6:44 am
SOA is like a plague! I actually started watching it before my husband and now he’s totally addicted. I stopped watching it last season when Gemma (aka Peggy Bundy) was gang raped by white supremacists to try and get the gang to leave Charming. DUDE. One of the head white supremacists was Henry Rollins and I love him and it was all just WAY TOO MUCH.
PS My bio father was a biker so the Hells Angels as charitable organization makes me SMILE. Haha.
4. Becky | October 14th, 2010 at 8:20 am
They are fictional books, but the Kathy Reichs series about Temperance Brennan (which the show Bones is based on) has one or two books that talk about the Hells Angels, especially in the Quebec area, and how much a part of organized crime they are. I thought that they were mostly older dudes who just liked motorcycles, and maybe that’s true for some of them, but yah…
Also, the HA had their annual meet up just south of Duluth (where I live) last summer or the summer before (can’t remember). You should have seen the hullabaloo to make sure people didn’t bother them/they didn’t hurt anyone. Of course nothing happened; they just hung out there and then went on their way. It was quite the spectacle, though. They brought in their own bartenders and liquor, and just rented out an entire bar for the week(?) they were in town.
I haven’t seen Sons of Anarchy, but it sounds interesting/disturbing.
5. H | October 14th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Oh Hell’s Angels – I was so terribly fearful of them when I was young, and I have no idea why. When I was young, and I don’t remember for sure how young, I must have heard about them at school or something and I became terrified that they would ride into my small midwestern town and kidnap me. Then kill me. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but that’s the truth. (I was also scared of: the terrorists at the Munich Olympics and Bonnie and Clyde – thanks to Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty – and they were already DEAD!)
6. SwingCheese | October 14th, 2010 at 8:44 am
I grew up in a large(ish) town on the Mississippi, and just south of us, there is a much (much) smaller river town which was made up of mostly factory workers and illegal immigrants (depending on the time of year). And, about 20 years ago, it was also made up of Hell’s Angels. Who made meth. And controlled the movement of meth (among other drugs) across the state(s). The ring was busted about 15 years ago, thanks to some very heavy duty undercover work, and the little river town has had a population turnover with the HAs leaving, and a new, middle class moving in to take advantage of low housing costs and a tolerable commute. But still, the HAs scare me, and I would never live in that little river town.
7. Christine | October 14th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Jonna, I love you. LIKE A GIRL. Even though I’m not sure I know what that means. Did you mean like a woman [straight] loves a man [also straight]? Because then, well I don’t know if I love you that way…
But, this post was pure wonderful. The Russell Simmons thing? Amazing. Made only more amazing by the fact that for a minute I had to think of who Russell Simmons was, and in that split second I thought: Oh yeah, exercise! Weird afro – Richard Simmons!
Yeah. Well.
This post was just what I needed this morning. A million thank yous!
8. amandapm | October 14th, 2010 at 9:15 am
Curtis Sliwa goes to Altamont! That’s hilarious. I think HA has (at least had) a clubhouse downtown here, same street as NYC’s oldest tavern.
Like H, I also found the Angels scarifying as a kid; Altamont was still a big topic and the whole thing just rang evil. The whole of the early 70s was pretty horrifying to me as a kid and I was also terrified of banks – thought Patty Hearst would come in and shoot everybody – and babysitters on acid, which I actually had a couple times and multiple other freaky things.
9. JudithNYC | October 14th, 2010 at 10:44 am
You know the worst part for me? I listen to the BeeGees and find the ridiculous but I can still feel the love. hahahahaha, in my defense, I am 60 and the BeeGees are part of my high school and college experience. My love was Barry.
10. Life of a Doctor's Wife | October 14th, 2010 at 10:45 am
I grew up in a very small town and I STILL have a hard time believing that “organized crime” is a real thing, and not a made-up Hollywood-y type thing. So I can totally see how you could have misunderstood the Hell’s Angels thing. And the Russell Simmons thing. Life is all just a Hollywood construct drummed up for our entertainment, right?
11. Slim | October 14th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Just in case Adam tries this, the original title of War and Peace was not War, What Is It Good For?
You’re welcome.
Oh, and there was an author on Diane Rehm a year or so ago (probably more — time flies!) who had written about the Hell’s Angels, and someone called in to say that the HA had been nice to the the children at a local hospital, so it just wasn’t possible that they could be evil.
12. agirlandaboy | October 14th, 2010 at 11:19 am
1. Our neighbor told us a Hell’s Angel used to live in our house.
2. I thought Jerry Lewis and Jerry Lee Lewis were one and the same.
3. My grandfather told me I was related to a poet because my feet were “long fellows” and for years I told everyone I was related to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
4. You should read the Hell’s Angels book by Hunter S. Thompson. I’m told it’s excellent. (Book Lushes?!)
5. Simon assures me that the BeeGees had no problem getting laid and I…I just don’t know how that’s possible. Maybe everyone was playing their records on slow play?
13. Kate | October 14th, 2010 at 11:32 am
I’ve worried about that intestinal twisting thing ever since I read Gloria Swanson’s biography. Apparently the same thing happened to her and she had to have surgery. Unless I’m confusing her with another silent film actress. I read the book years ago and that’s the one thing that sticks with me.
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15. Kristabella | October 14th, 2010 at 11:58 am
This post was awesome!
I’m not sure I’ve told this story before, but one time I was at the movies with a friend and Danny Glover came on the screen and I said “I love Sidney Poitier!” (Which is the truth, but alas, NOT HIM.) She still brings it up, like over 10 years later.
I also love Danny Glover.
16. Kristin H | October 14th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
But…but wait. The Bee Gees. Even “Inside and Out”?
17. Lawyerish | October 14th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
I am still reeling from the revelation — via Leah’s recent post — that phyllo dough and puff pastry are not the same thing.
18. Hope | October 14th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
I have to say I kind of also thought that the Hell’s Angels were philanthropic until a few years ago. I imagined them to be scary looking, but big softies on the inside. No idea where I got that idea.
My nephew had that intestine problem when he was a baby. They were able to remove a section of his intestines and put it back together. Now he’s a totally fine 4 year-old. But yeah, he didn’t poop for weeks.
19. Korinna | October 14th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
About five years ago, in very much like the conversation you had with Adam, I was informed by my husband that actually Ray Charles was *blind* and did not in fact just like to wear sunglasses all the time.
Oh.
20. sarawr | October 14th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I’m sorry, I can contribute nothing of value because — heh. You said “funbag.” Hehehe. “Funbag.”
… I’ll see myself out.
21. SwingCheese | October 14th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
@8, amandapm – I don’t know that I ever had a babysitter on acid, but I did have one who was very religious, in a way that my family was not, and who told me about the rapture, indicating that I, as a Catholic, was not among the chosen. I spent the rest of the night hiding in the corner next to the fireplace and praying to my apparently heathen god that the rapture wouldn’t come before my mom got home. I was 11. She never sat for me again.
22. Jamie | October 14th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Ohhhh, Xanadu. My sister and I spent an entire summer trying to make ourselves white dresses that bared our shoulders out of our bedsheets. To be worn with roller skates, natch. Allow me to state the obvious: rollerskating while wrapped in what was essentially a poorly constructed full-body straitjacket with a giant, vision-obstructing ruffle at the neck was NOT the brightest idea.
23. Maggy | October 15th, 2010 at 12:17 am
I maintain that conspiracies and organized crime are just fictional entities because, well, have you ever tried to throw a surprise party? How many people can keep a secret?
Also, Volvulus Panic would be a great name for a rock band. Ooh! A Bee-Gees cover band!
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25. julie | October 18th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I love that you can make me laugh, seemingly effortlessly, on even the worst of days. Thanks.
26. samantha Jo Campen | October 18th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
This. This right here. This is why I love you so hard.
27. Kate | October 19th, 2010 at 12:12 am
Oh Jonna, you crack me up.
I have a five year old daughter and that sounds like something she’d totally say. And do. While on the toilet.
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