Cheeseburger in Paradise

Man, was Halloween ever fun. Had I known that it was going to be such a blast, I’d have done a little more, ah, preparation, instead of deciding that Sam’s costume would be whatever I could nab on sale at Old Navy that didn’t feature shit on her head. Because what do kids hate? SHIT ON THEIR HEADS. And yet, every Halloween costume has some sort of head piece that is so integral to the ensemble that if the kid bails on it, they’re left with a pink unitard or fleece pants or some completely ordinary outfit and then trick or treat is sort of moot, because you took your kid outside in his pajamas or something. And with a toddler, it looks like a parent candy-grab ANYWAY, so again, shit on the head is BAD and anything NOT featuring head shit is GOOD. Ergo, the cheeseburger:

Seriously, Sam had so much fun, and I was completely and utterly shocked at how long she lasted. Our blocks are fairly large, and for her to make the entire way around one was really quite a feat, and took well over an hour. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a kid hold a trick or treat bag with such intensity, and she clung to it with the grim determination of an OSS officer carrying a key piece of intelligence across enemy lines. If you so much as laid a pinky on her bag for any reason other than helping her hold onto it more tightly, she screeched “NOOOOOOO!” with an astounding ferocity, and we learned quickly: DO NOT TOUCH THE BAG.

She returned home and had a special Halloween cookie, and so help me, as I type this, I’m fairly certain she’s still in there, wide awake and wired from the sugar and wow, that was … super not bright, but whatever, it’s a holiday.

Adam finally returned home Friday from his nearly week-long business trip, which means, for the love of all that is holy, I have finally begun sleeping again. Honest to jebus, we can never get divorced, not only because I would be profoundly sad, but because I would never sleep again. It’s ridiculous and Helen Reddy would be horrified, but I feel much SAFER when he’s there, even though half the time I want to kick him for snoring, and the other half he’s so comatose that I swear, if a person WERE breaking in, the robber would have to knock his knees together to make any sort of impression. And yet, without him, I’m listening to every sound in the house like it’s some kind of death knell, and the sound of the furnace kicking on can send me into wild heart palpitations and a sweaty panic.

Shortly before — actually the DAY before — Adam left for his trip, he installed, for reasons that remain unclear, an automatic air freshener in the master bathroom and set to go off every nine minutes. PSSHT! Oh, what’s that noise? Is it a burglar? Is it someone LASERING THROUGH THE WINDOW? No, that’s just the air freshener! ALL EFFING NIGHT LONG!

*drifts off to sleep*

PSSSHT!

*terror*

*drifts off to sleep*

PSSSHT!

*terror*

AND SO ON. EVERY NINE MINUTES. And so help me Jesus, the thing doesn’t even have a discernible SCENT. No, I don’t know why I never became accustomed to it, either, and if you’re wondering if I could just TURN THE DAMN THING OFF, I couldn’t, as he placed it high enough that I’d need a ladder, and I didn’t want to risk life and limb over a stupid air freshener. I am a mother, you know.

But he’s home now, and despite the incessant PSSHT! sound, I am able to distinguish it from, say, a farting robber. Or something. All because he’s snoring next to me. Pathetic.

Finally, I’d like to thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am consistently impressed and amazed at how thoughtful and kind and respectful you all are, and how much you make me think, and want to be better at, well, everything. Basically, I want to be more like you. Thanks to you, when other bloggers complain of hate mail and trolls and mean people, I am usually blank-faced and confused, because it just doesn’t happen here, no matter how weird or controversial the topic. (Except for Michael Jackson. But that was only once!)

Seriously, I am better because of you. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Happy Monday to you!

*Jimmy Buffett

30 comments October 31st, 2010