Cheeseburger in Paradise
October 31st, 2010
Man, was Halloween ever fun. Had I known that it was going to be such a blast, I’d have done a little more, ah, preparation, instead of deciding that Sam’s costume would be whatever I could nab on sale at Old Navy that didn’t feature shit on her head. Because what do kids hate? SHIT ON THEIR HEADS. And yet, every Halloween costume has some sort of head piece that is so integral to the ensemble that if the kid bails on it, they’re left with a pink unitard or fleece pants or some completely ordinary outfit and then trick or treat is sort of moot, because you took your kid outside in his pajamas or something. And with a toddler, it looks like a parent candy-grab ANYWAY, so again, shit on the head is BAD and anything NOT featuring head shit is GOOD. Ergo, the cheeseburger:
Seriously, Sam had so much fun, and I was completely and utterly shocked at how long she lasted. Our blocks are fairly large, and for her to make the entire way around one was really quite a feat, and took well over an hour. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a kid hold a trick or treat bag with such intensity, and she clung to it with the grim determination of an OSS officer carrying a key piece of intelligence across enemy lines. If you so much as laid a pinky on her bag for any reason other than helping her hold onto it more tightly, she screeched “NOOOOOOO!” with an astounding ferocity, and we learned quickly: DO NOT TOUCH THE BAG.
She returned home and had a special Halloween cookie, and so help me, as I type this, I’m fairly certain she’s still in there, wide awake and wired from the sugar and wow, that was … super not bright, but whatever, it’s a holiday.
Adam finally returned home Friday from his nearly week-long business trip, which means, for the love of all that is holy, I have finally begun sleeping again. Honest to jebus, we can never get divorced, not only because I would be profoundly sad, but because I would never sleep again. It’s ridiculous and Helen Reddy would be horrified, but I feel much SAFER when he’s there, even though half the time I want to kick him for snoring, and the other half he’s so comatose that I swear, if a person WERE breaking in, the robber would have to knock his knees together to make any sort of impression. And yet, without him, I’m listening to every sound in the house like it’s some kind of death knell, and the sound of the furnace kicking on can send me into wild heart palpitations and a sweaty panic.
Shortly before — actually the DAY before — Adam left for his trip, he installed, for reasons that remain unclear, an automatic air freshener in the master bathroom and set to go off every nine minutes. PSSHT! Oh, what’s that noise? Is it a burglar? Is it someone LASERING THROUGH THE WINDOW? No, that’s just the air freshener! ALL EFFING NIGHT LONG!
*drifts off to sleep*
PSSSHT!
*terror*
*drifts off to sleep*
PSSSHT!
*terror*
AND SO ON. EVERY NINE MINUTES. And so help me Jesus, the thing doesn’t even have a discernible SCENT. No, I don’t know why I never became accustomed to it, either, and if you’re wondering if I could just TURN THE DAMN THING OFF, I couldn’t, as he placed it high enough that I’d need a ladder, and I didn’t want to risk life and limb over a stupid air freshener. I am a mother, you know.
But he’s home now, and despite the incessant PSSHT! sound, I am able to distinguish it from, say, a farting robber. Or something. All because he’s snoring next to me. Pathetic.
Finally, I’d like to thank you all for your comments on my last post. I am consistently impressed and amazed at how thoughtful and kind and respectful you all are, and how much you make me think, and want to be better at, well, everything. Basically, I want to be more like you. Thanks to you, when other bloggers complain of hate mail and trolls and mean people, I am usually blank-faced and confused, because it just doesn’t happen here, no matter how weird or controversial the topic. (Except for Michael Jackson. But that was only once!)
Seriously, I am better because of you. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Happy Monday to you!
*Jimmy Buffett
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,Nuttin'
30 Comments Add your own
1. Marie Green | October 31st, 2010 at 11:00 pm
Aw, I love your little cheeseburger. And I love how her little foot is turned in, like some kind of teenaged awkward STANCE or something.
Also, when David is gone (or working late, like RIGHT NOW- UGG) I sleep with the tv on. I never do this otherwise, but it does help me not hear every little noise.
2. Blythe | October 31st, 2010 at 11:52 pm
The Halloween when Theo was 1 1/2 is one my fondest memories, not just of parenting but of my whole life, forever. He had such a fantastic time, running from house to house with his cousins and clutching that heavy treat bucket no matter how heavy it became. It was a wonderful surprise. I look forward to Halloween every year now, mainly because that first trick-or-treat was so amazing. I’m so glad you guys had a great time too – thanks for inspiring the memory for me.
(Also, I did my best to talk Theo into that very costume this year but he insisted on being a ghost. I love people dressed as food.)
3. Swistle | November 1st, 2010 at 7:44 am
That is the cutest cheeseburger I have ever seen.
4. SwingCheese | November 1st, 2010 at 8:08 am
We took boyo out, too! Or I should say, my husband did, as I have a cold. So I missed out on Caesar’s regal wagon ride up the block, but still: he was “talking” about it for about 30 minutes after he came home, he’d run around the living room for awhile, then come over to me, wave candy in my face, gesture at the pumpkin, and have a very earnest conversation with me. Then repeat. I’m really going to miss this age.
5. Kader | November 1st, 2010 at 8:54 am
Oh, Sam. She is the cutest cheeseburger ever. I am absolutely sure of that.
And next time Adam is going out of town? Call me! We’ll come and stay. You won’t sleep any more than you just did, but at least it will be because you stayed up late talking and drinking wine. Also, I am a light sleeper, so I will surely save you from any farting robbers. Swear.
6. Maura | November 1st, 2010 at 8:58 am
Such a cute little cheeseburger! I fall asleep better when Will is next to me in bed. Downstairs on the couch doesn’t work. I toss and turn but get over myself, because, uh… lame.
7. Liz | November 1st, 2010 at 9:42 am
My sides hurt from all the PSSHHHT!!!!
(What’s with men and air fresheners?! My hubs has installed no less than six of those bad boys throughout our house. Our one-level, 8-room house.)
8. -R- | November 1st, 2010 at 9:44 am
B’s lion costume had a hood, which we made him wear because it was cold out. And the only reason he wore it was because we told him no hood = no candy. I didn’t know my kid liked candy, but it turns out that candy is very motivating! Also, he recognized the package for Swedish Fish and wouldn’t let our neighbor put it in his basket because he had to eat the Fish right away. We have had Swedish Fish in our house ONE TIME since B was born.
I’m glad your Halloween was a success. Trick or treating is really fun with little ones.
9. Kristabella | November 1st, 2010 at 9:58 am
GAH! Could she be any cuter??
10. Nic | November 1st, 2010 at 11:36 am
Oh, I love her. A cheeseburger with pigtails? Perfection.
11. Li | November 1st, 2010 at 12:32 pm
ZOMG — i am dying from the cuteness. Halloween was a big hit here, too! Although next time, am hoping that it does not coincide with a Patriots game, but that’s a story for another day!
And if this makes you feel better — I sleep with a giant, heavy industrial flashlight and a steak knife in the bed with Michael is away. After his last trip, I called ADT and installed an alarm (and bitched that they couldn’t do it like, that same week).
Meanwhile, when I lived downtown, I walked home alone at 3:00 am. I think its having a kid that does it. Because in a similar vein, teething screams don’t wake Michael at night, so I’m pretty sure that an intruder, who is TRYING NOT TO BE DETECTED would rouse him.
12. Christine | November 1st, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Egads she is adorable! I love the picture of her all tired out too.
13. steph | November 1st, 2010 at 1:41 pm
FARTING ROBBER?! Oh you slay me.
I should also add, the first time I ever read you (you were guest posting for SheLikesPurple) and I was laughing so hard I was shaking. SHAKING! Thank you for being YOU!
14. regan | November 1st, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Such a cute cheeseburger!
We ended up with a costume with a hood and for some unknown reason Truman tolerated it. It was like he didn’t even notice it was on, which is so out of character for him.
15. Home Sweet Sarah | November 1st, 2010 at 2:50 pm
And what did Ruby dress up as?
(No, ‘m never letting this – Ruby – go.)
16. TwoBusy | November 1st, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Robbers are bad enough, but farting robbers? That’s just poor form. Show some dignity, fellas.
17. Ginger | November 1st, 2010 at 4:58 pm
That is seriously the cutest cheeseburger ever. I love how *serious* she looks!
And I’m with you on the not sleeping well when the husband’s not around. I sadly am the one who has to travel, and I always sleep like crap when he’s not there, even when it’s in the most amazing hotel beds known to mankind. I’ll take my crappy bed and my space hogging husband any day.
18. Tracey - JustAnotherMommyBlog | November 1st, 2010 at 5:33 pm
The cheeseburger rocks! And I agree with the head gear on little kids. If the costume requires it to make sense, move along to the next one.
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21. Danell | November 1st, 2010 at 8:18 pm
After the second PSHHT, I’d have been bashing at that sucker with a broomstick. Die, air freshener, die!
Halloween just gets better every year! The chee-burger is so so adorable!
22. Josefina | November 1st, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Sam is SO ADORABLE!
A couple items: (1) I have spent exactly three nights without my husband in our 10.5 years of marriage. I was a complete wreck with the jumpiness, etc. I spent the night alone all the time before I was married. What is with that? (2) It never occurred to me that a robber could be gassy! But why not? Of course he could. As a matter of fact, he probably WOULD in my house. Insult to injury and all that.
23. Caitlin | November 1st, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Cutest cheeseburger ever!
When my chef husband has to work late, I cannot – CANNOT – get to sleep before he comes home. This sometimes means I am up waayyy later on a week night than I should be, but obviously if I don’t stay up, the robbers will know and choose the moment I fall asleep to break in.
And I loved those comments, too. There’s just something so awesome about people coming together and owning up to their Stuff. Cuz we all gots Stuff.
24. Camels & Chocolate | November 1st, 2010 at 9:11 pm
That is quite possibly one of the best kid costumes I’ve seen, EVER. Sam, however, does not look like she’s digging it so much
25. Mama Bub | November 1st, 2010 at 10:25 pm
And with “farting robber,” apple juice went through my nose.
If my husband is gone I have to fall asleep with the TV on and I’ll stay up for HOURS longer than normal until I’m lulled to sleep by an infomercial.
26. Pam | November 2nd, 2010 at 12:53 am
Maybe he put the air freshener up because of the possibility of farting robbers.
That girl is SO freaking cute.
27. H | November 2nd, 2010 at 8:48 am
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – your daughter is soooooo cute and it sounds like she has a darling personality too!
28. Li | November 2nd, 2010 at 5:44 pm
I just feel the need to tell you that I keep coming back to this post to LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE PHOTO. over and over again.
29. laura | November 2nd, 2010 at 9:09 pm
my “farting robber” was the sump pump turning on and off in the basement during a tsunami here while my husband was away. for god’s sake i lived happily, sanely, safely, undisturbed in my ghetto apt til i was 30.
thanks for making me laugh!
30. Supra Footwear | October 27th, 2011 at 7:03 am
my “farting robber” was the sump pump turning on and off in the basement during a tsunami here while my husband was away.
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