Right Here, Right Now
November 8th, 2010
Once in a while, it hits me anew that I’m a parent, and I’m not sure how to explain it any better than, well, that’s what it is. I wake up every day and do this, of course, but sometimes I’ll look at Sam — this tiny, relatively new face who is now as recognizable as my own reflection — and think, holy cow, I’m this kid’s mother. Whoa.
It happens in small increments, I think, this whole parenthood thing. You get a baby who is a completely unfamiliar person, and though you love them to a terrifying degree for some totally inexplicable reason (because, after all, they are a stranger), it’s more like taking care of an extremely demanding and annoying pet for a (long) while there. A newborn is kind of the way I would envision a life-size amoeba to be — all formless and tender-skinned, squashy, blob-like and too easily broken. It seems ridiculous to me, on an evolutionary level, that most animals give birth to creatures who are capable of moving independently, whereas we basically give birth to a fetus. A needy, frustrating, somewhat joyless fetus.
I mean, I was joyful and thrilled, of course (that is when I wasn’t contemplating how I could check myself into an institution because of The Screaming), but it’s nothing compared to the person I live with now, and I think that, above all, is what might make any subsequent children more frustrating. I know how good it can get, and I know there’s a person inside of those tiny things waiting to blossom, but in the meantime, I’ll be stuck with something more appropriate for tucking away in my pouch, if only I were a damn marsupial.
I’m not sure one gets many opportunities to wish they were a kangaroo, but believe me, dealing with a newborn is one of those times.
But now! Ho! Man, life is on one of those sweet streaks, where even the worst days aren’t that bad, and not even the return of eastern standard time (WHY WHY WHY) can dampen the unflagging joy that flies through the house on a daily basis. There are kisses (“Mmmmmwah!”) and hugs and leading me around the house by the hand. We color, we write in notebooks, she sits and reads her books to herself for long periods of time, she washes her hands in her play kitchen and proudly announces, “CLEAN!” while waving her sticky hands in the air. The dog is god, second only to DJ Lance, and a bad mood can be lifted by reminding Sam that doggy is over there, and wouldn’t doggy like to be petted? As she snuggles with Sunny, she laughs that desperate, near-tears laugh of someone who thought the world was ending, but realized they’d been given a reprieve, maybe by a last-minute astroid destruction manned by Bruce Willis.
And the evenings, oh, the evenings. She comes alive in the evenings, once the witching hour has passed, and her world lights up in technicolor when Daddy walks through the door. She runs through the house screaming at the top of her lungs, “DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!” and leaps on top of him, hugging him so tightly that it’s as if she thought he’d left that morning, never to return. She often gives him the same treatment after he exits the shower in the morning, although she’d seen him not ten minutes prior. And then, for a glorious hour before she heads to bed, they play. He tickles, she laughs. They catch up on their days, and his responses to her gibberish make me wish their conversations were real and that she understood what he was saying, because man, I married a funny dude. They dance — or rather, sometimes we all dance, throwing any concerns of our own self-consciousness to the wind as we rock out, for the millionth time, to “Loco Legs,” as sung by the interminably cheerful Fresh Beat Band. This family’s got loco legs, let me tell you.
I know we lived without her. I know we had more than a decade together, including five or six wonderful years of marriage — years of building a solid foundation that made this life, this incredibly sweet, sweet life, exactly what it is today. I know that I wouldn’t change a second of our lives together to this point, and that it was worth it, it was all so worth it, but hell if I can remember it with any detail, because this; this is precisely where we are, and it is exactly where we should be.
*Jesus Jones OR Fatboy Slim
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Uncategorized
41 Comments Add your own
1. Kacey | November 8th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
I just wrote about this same thing last week. This realization, months or years in, that this baby is an actual PERSON. And you’re right, it makes no sense to have such underdeveloped babies, but that’s the price we pay for having big heads and walking upright. I wish we were on the board that okayed that evolutionary split
2. Kacey | November 8th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I just wrote about this same thing last week. This realization, months or years in, that this baby is an actual PERSON. Parenthood is so weird…and awesome…and WEIRD. And you’re right, it makes no sense to have such underdeveloped babies, but that’s the price we pay for having big heads and walking upright. I wish we were on the board reviewing THAT evolutionary move.
3. Elsha | November 9th, 2010 at 12:02 am
I actually think seeing how a baby changes from a crying blob to a person made my second child LESS frustrating. Seeing first hand that they grow up into little people so fast made it easier to enjoy the sweetness of having a newborn. Plus, I won’t lie, having a toddler around in addition makes everything seem to go by MUCH faster.
4. Tanya | November 9th, 2010 at 12:20 am
I just loved how you put that to words! I’m a blog reader not writer & I absolutely was touched by your post. We can feel the love! I have 6(so far!) and feel exactly the same, over & over & over….
5. Ginger | November 9th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Welp, that made me cry. Because damn if I don’t feel exactly the same way.
6. page | November 9th, 2010 at 3:24 am
Oh, wow. WOW.
I was watching my friend’s daughter and her sister’s son tonight and realizing how grown-up they were getting (they are both six- one month apart). She sounded out the title of a book that I brought her tonight ALL BY HERSELF and I was just so damned proud and blown away. For the first time today, I was able to understand her on the phone. It made me want to cry. As I told her mom about it, she ran away from us, and we both called out, “Hey, wait…” and then looked at each other and were like “no, really, you’re too grown up”, and it was bittersweet and wonderful. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like when they are your own, but DAMN, it was powerful.
Smiling for you, Jonna.
7. Kader | November 9th, 2010 at 6:36 am
Amen.
There’s nothing more to add.
Hugs and MWAHs to you and Sam.
8. Christine | November 9th, 2010 at 9:14 am
That was beautiful!
And I can’t get over how big she is. She’s like a big kid all of a sudden. (Love the picture too!)
9. Kristen | November 9th, 2010 at 10:03 am
I love your writing and your honesty! Thank you! I feel the same way and my little guy isn’t even at the awesome age Sam is!
10. bessie.viola | November 9th, 2010 at 10:38 am
This post was so absolutely spot-on… it’s like you pulled it right out of my head. I keep getting socked with that knowledge too, that my girl is a person now; it hit me again last weekend when I was shopping and was able to choose a shirt based on what I knew she’d want to wear over and over. She’s a real person, with PREFERENCES. Much better than the newborn thing, for sure.
Sam is getting so BIG! And she is still so adorable. Love the hat!
11. Li | November 9th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
I love Sam and I love the whole loco legs family.
And this post is perfection.
12. Leigh | November 9th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Smiling!
So in my current stae of singly parenting a TEENAGER and holding down a super stressful job that I don’t love, I would ordinarily be extremely envious and maybe even bitter to read a post like this. Except that it’s you I am truly happy for you and Sam and Adam because you all so deserve each other and the blessed life that you have.
This post actually kind of made my day.
13. Nicole | November 9th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Oh, I hear you sister.
And on the “loving a complete stranger bit” – my chiropractor’s receptionist said it best: You have this small creature that you love to the ends of the earth, but you don’t LIKE them, because you don’t know them”
And I think, when they get to the destructo-toddler stage (at least mine is) they are awesome people. And likeable.
14. Amy K | November 9th, 2010 at 9:38 pm
My 19-month-old went nuts over a silly hat at the thrift store last week. It’s got rainbow stripes and a giant poofball on two sides, and it’s size 7-8 so way too big, even with her off-the-charts melon head. And I was so happy to buy it for her. She’d seen a million hats before but never expressed much of a preference. This one made her shriek, “Hat! Hat!” and wiggle and point and smile, and all I could think was, “My little girl has her own opinions! I can’t wait to see what else she’ll love.” She’s taking a nap right now with her favorite hat pulled over her eyes. When she wakes up, she’ll probably beg for Laurie Berkner (“Moon! Moon!”) until I pop in the DVD and we’ll both march around like dinosaurs. Life is so good.
15. Joe | November 10th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Love this post, especially your description of Sam and her Daddy. No hugs yet for me from F, although she does something resembling a hug in which she opens her arms and burrows her face in my chest and leaves a large drool/snot stain, but even that slimy experience feels pretty darn great. Very excited for what’s to come…
16. Jen | November 10th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I know I’ve said this before, but this post is just another reason why I kind of feel lucky that Avery was born so close to Sam…because I can read your posts and just think YES! That is so us right now! Post-dinner time has just been the best, with her marching around the house entertaining us. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time putting her to bed when she’s just so delightful and fun.
And hello, Sam’s eyelashes! They are LUSH! She is a beauty.
17. Life of a Doctor's Wife | November 10th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
This. This is what makes me – a life-long “I’ll never have kids” person – want kids.
I hope – hope! – that this will be the same for me.
18. agirlandaboy | November 15th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
I’ve never been able to put my finger on why I find the idea of another newborn so terrifying (other than the small point about knowing we’re due for a bad one), but you hit the nail on the head here. Knowing there’s a PERSON inside that squishy body, and that he or she is just stuck in there with no way out for many, many months? I only hope I don’t wish away my second child’s babyhood because I want to get to all the other stuff.
19. Stacy | November 21st, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Lovely post, and I can completely relate to the sentiment.
Also, if you need another reason to envy kangaroos, according to the plaque at my zoo, their babies are the size of a kidney bean at birth. Made me jealous, anyway!
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