Won’t Get Fooled Again
November 22nd, 2010
So Adam had this Foot Thing, and it started out as a relatively familiar and minor Foot Thing involving pain and some kind of leg-crossing nerve thing he does when he codes (which I guess, as a VP-type, isn’t something you do all the time anymore, I don’t know), and he’s been coding a lot, and suddenly BADOW!, the guy can’t even WALK, and he gets up around 10 p.m. Friday night and his leg looked like it was about to EXPLODE and I … I kind of flipped my lid. I was all stormy and crazy and texting Megan that my husband was going to DIE OF A BLOOD CLOT if I didn’t get him to the hospital STAT and then I stormed into the bedroom and announced that he had TWO CHOICES, mister. I could CALL AN AMBULANCE or I could wake the baby and DRIVE HIM TO THE ER RIGHT NOW.
(I was a little crazy. I tend to get worked up about his health, and I don’t know WHY. I am solely responsible for sending him to the hospital at least three times. If we really want to dig deep, I think it’s because my (step) mom’s first husband died, leaving her a widow to a small kid, and … well, she’s made it through more than you can imagine (more than THAT, even) and she’s kind of amazing, but it still gets me, knowing it happened to her and really, the person you should pity is Adam, for he reaps the consequences.)
We talked it out, he talked me off the ledge and we went Saturday morning and it turns out, no one was dying, it was only a pinched nerve. But I’l tell you, the three hours we all spent in the ER were AWESOME.
AHEM.
So, ah, you know how people say that first children are a little like pancakes, in that you screw the first one up so badly that by the time the second one comes around, you end up with a much fluffier version that is probably easier to digest? Or spend time with? Or something? (This metaphor really isn’t working, is it?)
Our first child is our dog. And yes, I realize — FULLY REALIZE — how absurd that sounds, but let me tell you, we fucked this one up GOOD. If Sunny is a pancake, then she is a burnt disc of inedible, but lovable, proportions. Odd-shaped and unevenly cooked, and much more of a pain in the ass than it seems like she’s worth, and yet we soldier on, day after day, because we love her to pieces, and that’s just what you DO when you screw up so bad. You just live with your burnt, inedible consequences, I guess, and go hungry.
(Can you believe I’m totally sober writing this? Because I kind of can’t. This is like the rambling manifesto of the Krusteaz founder, after he’s knocked back a few Bud Lights.)
Sunny has never slept in our bed. Yes, this may seem cruel to some, but it’s not for lack of trying. She cannot — CANNOT — make it through the night in our bed. She gets too excited, and no one sleeps, least of all her, and while she can spend the entirety of the next day snoring on the couch (her usual pastime), the rest of us must soldier on with our days, despite having not slept a wink the night before, thanks to a panting wet snout snuffling around our eyeballs at 2, 3, 4 and 5 a.m. The digging usually happens on the half-hour, so the pattern is wet snuffling, digging, wet snuffling, digging, with some aimless wandering on our bodies mixed in there from time to time. There is no actual sleeping done by the dog OR the people in the bed. It is worse than having a newborn, and people, I know of bad newborns.
Besides, she LOVES her crate, which we must gingerly place her in each night after a bedtime ritual that is almost as complex as our not-yet-two-year-old DAUGHTER. (It involves her resting her head on our shoulder and demanding kisses and rubs in a very specific order, followed by the words, “Night, night, Sunny.” Otherwise, she WILL NOT GO TO BED.) (I CANNOT BELIEVE I JUST ADMITTED THAT TO THE INTERNET.)
You see how we messed this up, yes? YOU SEE?
(Side note: Sam can’t sleep in our bed either for the same reasons. Ever since she became attached to her crib, she thinks of our bed as PARTY TIME! and even when we WANT her to sleep with us, she cannot, although the consequences are far more irritating than a wet snout in the ear, let me tell you.)
Until we actually shut the lights, however, Sunny snuggles in our bed, either chewing a bone or catching up on her rest (a girl’s gotta get her nineteen hours in!), and though she’s been going to bed quite happily around 10:30 or 11 (after her proper night-nights), around 1 a.m., she’s been WAILING and CRYING and then, when I panic and take her out to see if she had to go to the bathroom, realizing that HO HO, no — she was demanding to come into bed with us, where she pulls the wet snout/dig pattern ALL NIGHT LONG and OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS, WE ARE SO VERY TIRED.
All this is how I ended up putting her in her crate and soothing her every five, ten and then fifteen minutes, until finally, extinction.
And though I joked about it earlier, I didn’t realize until I actually did it that I had to, oh my God, FERBERIZE MY DOG. WHAT THE EFF. Like, I used a combination of CIO methods from him AND Weissbluth. HAHAHA. AM PATHETIC.
It worked. She sleeps through the night now. I’m totally calling Dr. Ferber to see if he’ll add a canine chapter in there.
Thus endeth the lamest post ever, but look, it’s Thanksgiving week, I spent the weekend in the ER with a man who could hardly WALK and I’m just LUCKY WE ARE ALL ALIVE.
Happy Tuesday!
PS, did you know that I’m everywhere but here on Mondays? Every other Monday, I’m at Draft Day Suit, and every SINGLE Monday, I am at Food Lush and Style Lush, where I am an editor also. I am the worst at adding buttons and/or an about page because I keep telling myself that I’m going to redesign the site, but OH LOOK. WE ARE STILL HERE IN THE SAME DESIGN I HAD IN 2005. TWO THOUSAND FIVE. THAT IS THE LAST TIME I REDESIGNED THIS THING.
*The Who
Entry Filed under: Sunny The Pug
19 Comments Add your own
1. Mon | November 22nd, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Glad everyone is OK! I had to comment and tell you when I first read the post, I seriously thought you had written “I had to Febreze the dog.” And I got all confused because I didn’t think you had written about anything stinky. Way for my eyeballs to be tired. I’m glad you didn’t actually have to Febreze your dog. And now, I must sleep. ps- My dogs never slept in my bed either…the golden retriever was too hot all the time, and the other one is too independent to deign to sleep in the bed with me.
2. SwingCheese | November 22nd, 2010 at 11:21 pm
OK, so I first began reading your blog in 2008, when a friend suggested to me, as I was pregnant, and you were pregnant, and she thought I would enjoy your writing. Which I do, immensely. However now? After you’ve admitted your nighttime ritual with the dog? I kind of love you. I am the person who, when we are going out of town, will tell each cat that we’re going out of town soon. I do this daily, beginning about 5 or so days before we leave. Then, on the day we leave, I have to give them each their separate goodbyes. Including reassurances that I love them and I will return. Then I make my husband do the same. It’s a testament to his love for me that he humors me in this.
3. Ginger | November 23rd, 2010 at 12:30 am
Poor Sunny. Poor you guys.
But you Ferberizing Sunny? Pure genius. (and damn funny too)
4. Raven | November 23rd, 2010 at 7:24 am
It’s cruel to not let dogs sleep with you? Our dogs have never once touched their bodies to our bed or any piece of furniture for that matter. They are allowed on the loveseat in my son’s bedroom but that is a recent thing (they are 10 and 11 yrs old) and that is THE ONLY thing they can get on, they know the difference in fabrics of what is acceptable and not. (I say the thing about fabrics because we have the matching chair to the loveseat still and my boxer pulled the pillow off of it and made it her own but she has never touched any other pillow)
When they had their crates the boxer loved hers, the lab hated hers and they were so huge (the boxer is 75lbs) we got tired of them taking up so much space in our very small house, so now the boxer sleeps behind the couch or one spot in the hallway (when we aren’t all asleep that is, they sleep on the floor in our bedroom then, preferably in little nests of our dirty clothes) and the lab has turned our walk-in closet into her den.
I am totally an “everyone to your corners” sleeper though so I am glad that no one else, including the kid has ever really slept in our bed.
5. Emily | November 23rd, 2010 at 8:13 am
SO glad I’m not alone in the “screwed up the dog” camp. When we first got our dog, we didn’t have a fenced yard. And because he’s big (100 lbs) and energetic and loves to chase squirrels, we took him out into the yard on a leash (in addition to his daily walks, dog park visits, etc.) to do his business before going to bed. But he’s easily distracted, so we had to keep him on task. “Go pee, Luke!” became the refrain to keep him focused. We’ve now had a fence for five years, so no leash necessary, but he still won’t pee in the backyard unless someone accompanies him and says “Go pee, Luke!” Ah, the ways in which we screw up our loved ones. Good times.
6. the grumbles | November 23rd, 2010 at 9:26 am
oh Emily, we have to do the same thing with our rottweiler! we used to live downtown and only did leash-walks accompanied to the constant sounds of, “business. business. do your business.” and now that we have a yard he refuses to poop unless someone goes out there with him and shouts, “business!!”
lord i hope my child doesn’t turn out as crazy as my dogs.
7. Lawyerish | November 23rd, 2010 at 10:01 am
We screwed up Miles (and screwed ourselves) ROYALLY by letting him sleep in our bed from the beginning. Now I desperately want him to sleep in the crate, in the living room or anywhere that is FAR FROM ME and where he can’t wake my ass up all night. We try leaving him out of the bedroom, but he’ll come and scratch at the door and howl in the middle of the night.
I hadn’t considered Ferberizing, however. Hmm.
8. katie mae | November 23rd, 2010 at 10:51 am
Oh, how I just had to stifle a laugh at work, picturing your doggy bedtime ritual! That is SO AWESOME. Also, I wonder if your routine would work on cats, because I am SO TIRED. With the purring in my ear/poking my face/yowling outside the door for NO REASON except that they want me to BE AWAKE.
9. Kris Taylor | November 23rd, 2010 at 10:57 am
I dont have children so please help in telling me what Ferberizing entails seriously. One of our pugs, Henry, who we refer to as “special” has decided that if one of us gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, then pitifully whines until we let him out of his crate. We thought he had to go out, but no…it seems he just gets lonely and wants to be with us. Can I Ferberize if he isn’t that bright? I mean seriously, he doesnt come when called, barely acknowledges his name, doesn’t respond to “sit”. On the plus side, he is a totally lovebug, snuggly dog. Details please??
10. KT | November 23rd, 2010 at 11:08 am
So I do think that it is a little weird that you had to Ferberize your dog. Thankfully we haven’t had to do that with ours (a Bernese Mtn Dog). My husband let her sleep in bed once as a puppy and she panted all night long- that was the end of that experiment. She is also not allowed on the furniture which is the best idea ever.
11. Christine | November 23rd, 2010 at 12:20 pm
First and foremost I’m glad that Adam is okay. I would have totally dragged Tony to the hospital too. Indeed he has a lingering cough (post cold, has lasted a few weeks now) and every time I hear it, I’m like, “BUT what if it’s cancer! You might have walking pneumonia!” He thinks I’m insane.
Also, I suggest to a girlfriend that she rename her dog to Scrapple, when she decided Pork Roll was too hard to say with their last name. She ended up going with Hoagie, since another Philly pug had already claimed Scrapple. Just saying, in case you wanted to get Sunny a brother to help her out.
12. SBMaya | November 23rd, 2010 at 2:30 pm
1. I love, love , love that you put a sleep/no sleep post up on my birthday…as a lifelong bad sleeper, I sympathize with both toddlers (irrational, fussy) and dogs (“lets’ wakeup NOW! its THREE AM!”)
2. FERBERIZE the dog = my hero
3. Dogs do not belong in bed, in my book. Ibarely allow the cat, sometimes, and she has to sleep on her own little ‘nest’ of a blanket so as not to be on the covers. To me, the dog = outside, protecting me from…raccoons.
4. I don’t have a dog right now. See above.
13. Kader | November 23rd, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Dude. I LOL’ed, no, really, I laughed out loud, through that entire post. And you know I’m not that kind of an internet reader. So effin’ funny.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of y’all!
14. Sam | November 23rd, 2010 at 6:57 pm
I’m finally adding links to my newish blog design and I went to your about page right before reading this post. I wanted a tagline-ish thing for the link and NOPE. There was nothing. Very sad.
My cat has food issues, and I am going to have to put him on a strict diet when I get back from Arkansas. Like, measuring food and watching him eat. Watching all the other cats eat so that my cat doesn’t eat their food. Basically, more work than feeding my toddler. *le sigh*
15. craftyashley | November 23rd, 2010 at 7:31 pm
We also had dogs before we had babies. It has turned out terribly. Dogs hate babies- and pee on baby’s things. Then barks and wake up babies at all times. OH THE HORROR. But I still love the dogs- miraculously.
16. Adrianne | November 27th, 2010 at 10:46 am
This post is hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
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18. Ale | December 6th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
MY dog does not sleep on our bed either and not because she is a 90lb lab and we don’t let her. She is truly uncomfortable on the bed or furniture in that she feels that she doesn’t belong there when you invite her up and the second you stop petting her, she can’t get off fast enough. This is tough for my 7yr old daughter whose goal is to get that dog to sleep in her bed with her.
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