Brandy Alexander
November 29th, 2010
When does Googling medical information lead to good things? Never! Almost never! I’m sure someone, somewhere has a story about how Google saved their life, but I will argue that in the VAST MAJORITY OF CASES, it leads to nothing more than horrifying misdiagnosis and panic. When I was pregnant with Sam, I was ordered to stay off the internet, and I mostly succeeded, but apparently when not faced with something very limited in scope and/or specific directives, I am free to my own completely insane devices.
I mean, it’s ALWAYS something awful. ALWAYS. I posted about this phenomenon on Twitter and was regaled with stories from people who self-diagnosed with MULTIPLE forms of cancer, brain tumors and the inevitable need for tissue and/or organ transplants, all of which are unnecessary.
The question is why? Why do we do this to ourselves? WHY? It’s like we have some kind of amnesia after every Google Incident. We KNOW better. AND YET WE DO IT, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Expecting a different result!
It is the very definition of insanity. Get all the (totally out of context) information you can! Pretend you’re a doctor! Like, seriously, sometimes I actually believe I AM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL because of Google.
I’ve considered going to nursing school on multiple occasions throughout my life, but the more this goes on, the more I think that’s probably a Very Bad Idea. Best go back to become a therapist instead. Helping profession, with less potential for hypochondriacal crazymaking.
Onward! While I’m normally loath to bring up dreams, I have to tell you that in the last few weeks, mine have been BIZARRE and kind of disturbing. That one-off incident where I dreamed I was having triplets aside (I COULD SEE THREE PAIRS OF FEET STICKING THROUGH MY BELLY), I’ve been consistently dreaming about absolutely losing my shit and SCREAMING at someone. Like, SCREAMING, in a completely out of control manner, and it’s strangely cathartic, until I have to deal with the consequences. Once, it was Meg Whitman, another it was the OB who failed to diagnose my TRIPLETS, despite the presence of THREE PAIRS OF FEET, and I wake up sweating, exhausted from the effort of screaming (SCAH-REEMING) at whoever it is I’m lashing out towards.
It’s … what IS that? I am many things, but for better for worse, I am not particularly non-confrontational. In fact, I am rather confrontational when I have to be (though I hope not egregiously so). I’m not exactly fraught with pent-up anger over here — if I have a problem with someone or something, I will usually address it directly. But apparently in my dreams, I would prefer to address it MORE DIRECTLY and VERY LOUDLY and all screamy and sweaty-like. To people like Meg Whitman.
Thanksgiving was effing CHAOS, with twelve adults, seven kids, three dogs and a lot of yelling just to be heard. I kept forgetting to get up to drink water, and so had approximately eleven beers delivered to me, plus wine and other sundry alcoholic bits, and these unfortunately served as my only source of hydration for the ENTIRE DAY. For the first time in YEARS, was painfully hungover the next day, when I demanded that Adam get up with Sam at the last minute (it wasn’t his day, and yes, we alternate like civilized people), and slept until 11 a.m. like some kind of Black Friday teenager. That was a bit blissful. Well, minus the hangover.
And OH, our holiday bliss continues with the annual Rubinfest for Hannukah this weekend. There are flights booked, cars rented and DVD players that, oh my God, had better start CHARGING, or I am going to COME UNDONE. Because I’m sorry, no, no I cannot handle a toddler on a plane who has not been properly anesthetized using the power of Muno and DJ Lance Rock.
I hope your Thanksgiving was rad.
*Feist. And probably one of the few alcoholic drinks I didn’t consider consuming on Thanksgiving.
Entry Filed under: General jackassery
29 Comments Add your own
1. Thesaurus | November 29th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
I think everyone has at least one bad Doctor Google experience. Why I diagnosed myself with multiple sclerosis via Doctor Google.
Turns out the tingling and numbness in my forearms was from mountain biking for 2 days solid which put pressure on the nerve ends in the base of the palm of my hand. When I tell the story I say that I got multiple sclerosis from mountain biking.
Also, I too have been having the weirdest dreams lately. I dreamt that I murdered someone and hid evidence in the big wheelie rubbish bin on the front porch of our house. My husband helped me conceal this from the police when they came to our house to investigate. (We told them it wasn’t a good time to be poking around – someone had just been murdered for heaven’s sake.
Then to repay my husband for his loyalty the next night I dreamt that I had an affair.
Honestly, I’m not the type to murder folk, or to cheat on her husband. Who is this crazy who has taken hold of my subconscious? Because seriously, this lady needs some help…..
2. H | November 29th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
You’re probably much too young to remember the TV show Medical Center (starring Chad Everett, who was – maybe still is – hot) but that show was a nightmare for me. For a year, my bedtime was on the half hour so not only was I sure I had every disease on the show, I never found out if I could be cured!
3. jonniker | November 29th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Oh Thesaurus, I, too, have had MS! Except not really. Twas a pinched nerve.
4. Suzanne | November 29th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Although Dr. Google has been terrifyingly wrong about a zillion times, the “kidney stones” he diagnosed me with on Wednesday turned out to be ACTUAL KIDNEY STONES as opposed to the “pulled muscle” my doctor kept insisting I had for 18+ hours (the last 6 of which I was hospitalized). But it’s hard to argue with an actual medical doctor with evidence like “But I read on the internet that…” I mean, when he doesn’t believe my sobbing/vomiting/writhing is real, is a print out of a sketch of a kidney with the a big red X marking the spot that hurts going to help? No. But at 2 am Dr. Google sure does answer his pager faster than Dr. Douchecanoe-who-thinks-you’re-exaggerating.
I often have those screamy dreams too, and while sometimes I find them therapeutic, I often watch myself behaving like a total asshole and think “Wow, I’m behaving like a total asshole. Shut up, me” but my dream self just keeps screaming at my grandmother or my mother in law or that woman from playgroup or whoever it was who I was a little bit mad at that week.
5. RealTime - Questions: "Do&hellip | November 29th, 2010 at 11:28 pm
[...] [...]
6. Kristin | November 29th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
My girl has scoliosis and we had an appointment to see a specialist at Children’s Hospital in Denver. We wanted to be ‘informed’ before the appointment thus turning to the internet for said ‘information’, but mostly just ended up freaked out by pictures of horribly disfigured spines. It was slightly less frightening when I researched my son’s hernia operation.
7. school scholarships | November 30th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Nursing is becoming more and more technical and requires more sophisticated understanding of disease processes, treatments, and pharmacology. Nurses also want to be treated as professionals rather than semi-skilled workers. To these ends, the current trend favors four year degrees rather than the shorter programs. Many nurses opt to get a two year degree either at a diploma school or community college, then return to complete a BSN while they gain work experience. Some hospitals pay BSN graduates slightly more (mostly as an incentive to obtain a BSN), but the job assignments are identical.
8. LizScott | November 30th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Things I Have Been Absolutely, No Shit, Totally Convinced I Have, But Actually Did Not, Thanks To Dr. Google:
- Lupus
- ADHD
- Cancer, on separate occasions: Bone, Brain, Colon, Cervical (Cervical, ironically, I actually DID GET, but not that time I thought I had it, and then I did not self diagnose. Fuckers)
- Diabetes
- That parasite you get that crawls up your penis from rivers in South America (I have neither a penis nor have been to a river in South America. I am not a “details” person)
- Celiac
- Anxiety Disorder
- Ectopic Pregnancy
So basically what I am telling you is that when I worked as a computer programmer, my coworkers and I devoted several hours scripting code that would block any attempt to google medical problems.It was for the best, really.
9. Christine | November 30th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Oh I thought I had MS too, and then my doctor thought I might have (which I found just as frightening) myasthenia gravis. Thankfully, I just had a droopy eyelid, but since they never found a cause you can bet your bottom dollar that I am sure that I have myasthenia gravis or MS anytime I feel any tingling anywhere. For example last night my left arm was tingling in bed and I thought: MS, definitely. Bah to Dr. Google.
My sister when she was little wasn’t allowed to watch the news because anything she saw was bound to happen to her in the immediate future. Flesh eating bacteria? Had it. Child kidnapped? Refused to sleep in the bedroom, where there were windows because of kidnapping. Somehow she functions today.
Have a happy Hanukkah! Eat a latke or five on my behalf. YUM.
10. Erica | November 30th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I love that you slept in, hungover, on Black Friday. That makes me love you even more.
11. -R- | November 30th, 2010 at 10:11 am
I have those kind of dreams where I’m screaming at people at the top of my lungs when I’m stressed or upset about something, not necessarily the person in my dreams. Maybe you’re stressed about the holidays?
I don’t think I’ve ever diagnosed myself using the internet, but my husband convinced himself once that he had meningitis and was super-pissed that I wasn’t more concerned by his WebMD diagnosis.
12. Caitlin | November 30th, 2010 at 10:34 am
Fellow google diagnoser here to say that YES! The innerwebs CAN make you a medical professional! I know because one time I went to my doctor with a sinus infection and he told me that he did not like to give antibiotics unless it had been present for 7-10 days (!!!), so come back then, and in the meantime HERE IS A SHEET OF INFORMATION ABOUT SINUS INFECTIONS WHICH I HAVE PRINTED OFF THE INTERNET FOR TO HELP YOU.
I wish I were joking.
Needless to say, he is no longer my doctor.
13. Caitlin | November 30th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Uh, also. One time I diagnosed myself with appendicitis. While I was at work. I got so hyped up over it that I went into my boss’s office and burst into tears.
It, ah, turned out to be gas. GAS. Terrible, awful gas but still! GAS!
“Mortifying” does not begin to cover the scope of emotions.
Thank god my boss is great.
14. Life of a Doctor's Wife | November 30th, 2010 at 11:24 am
I’m in this (semi) unique position of having doctors at my disposal to bother with my hypochondria at all times… But they are often pretty dismissive of my wild notions. Dr. Google is a lot more willing to help push me straight into a panic spiral about the pheochromacytoma I “have” for “certain.” So there’s that.
I’m sure my husband’s hatred for Dr. Google burns with the fire of a thousand suns.
15. Katy | November 30th, 2010 at 11:31 am
You know, my MIL went to school (she’s a teacher) the other day and discussed a pain she had. Two different people convinced her she was on the road to hernia surgery. She was in her car trying to figure out when she could have said surgery. Doc tells her: not so fast. So maybe we don’t need Google to freak out–maybe it’s just a more effective way of getting there.
16. Heather | November 30th, 2010 at 11:56 am
The only time Dr. Google came through for me was when he diagnosed me with a thyroid issue which was a winner! TSH of 7 for the win!
According to Dr. Google my high energy 3 year old has every behavioral issue out there, which actually may be the case but likely not.
Ah, and hangovers. We went to a holiday party at Strike Bowling on Saturday. For the first time since 2006 I drank too much and ended up having to leave early under the fear I was going to either pass out or vomit. I do not miss drinking too much at all. No way. Nope.
17. agirlandaboy | November 30th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
See, I tell myself I’m Googling for reassurance that it’s nothing, but then somehow I won’t STOP Goggling until I find something dire and tragic. What IS that, indeed.
18. SwingCheese | December 1st, 2010 at 10:06 am
Thesaurus, I, too, have had the murder dream. But my husband didn’t help me with it, my sister-in-law did. She was excellent when it came to planning and cleaning, while my other sil, who was also there, spent the entire time weeping and freaking out. While this is an appropriate reaction, in my dream, it just made me angry, as it was very counterproductive to trying to hide the body and clean up the mess.
I just assumed I’d been watching too much Dexter.
19. Gaby | December 1st, 2010 at 10:53 am
I suffer from over Googling, also (it’s probably an actual, diagnosable condition…I should Google it!), but I did accurately diagnose myself with PUPPS once through the power of the Internet. See, I had the distinct pleasure of getting PUPPS postpartum, which is pretty rare, so I had to use Google’s help to convince the freaking advice nurse that I needed to see a doctor for my uncontrollable itching.
When she asked why I thought it was PUPPS, I explained that I had read that women whose firstborns are Caucasian and male are more likely to develop the condition. At which point, she scoffed at me and said, “Oh, well, you had me up to that point. There is no evidence that the gender of the child has anything to do with PUPPS. I’ve been working for 30 years and have never seen a case of PUPPS in a woman who has already delivered her baby. You’re not looking at medical sites, are you?”
To which I had to show great restraint in not leaping through the phone and choking her. Instead, I said, “Well, I read it in a few reputable spots, but how about you just get me an appointment with the doctor?”
Then, I had my physician sister-in-law send me an “actual” medical site reference that stated that gender of the child DOES influence likelihood of contracting the damned rash, saw a doctor, lifted my shirt to show my inflamed abdomen, and was immediately diagnosed with PUPPS. And then I asked for the advice nurse’s supervisor to report her attempts at diagnosing patients rather than scheduling appointments. Eat it, lady.
One more thing: LizScott, your “I am not a “details” person” comment cracked me up.
20. Frugan Amy | December 1st, 2010 at 11:21 am
Before Google there were still enclosed warnings, which is why I once ended up at the emergency room thinking I had TSS. (Someone must get it, right?) I was just overheated.
21. -Jen | December 1st, 2010 at 11:27 am
As a professional researcher I know all to well the dangers of Dr. Google. Scary, scary rabbit holes of doom. I cannot help myself Googling everything that might potentionally be wrong with my kid.
However, I didn’t do any Googling with my recent cancer diagnosis. My doctors didn’t believe me at first … “but everyone Googles their diagnosis” Not me, I was scared enough as it was!
22. Frugan Amy | December 1st, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Hey, you know what else is awesome (besides thinking you have TSS)? Googling “paint poisoning” after your toddler licks paint off an old Christmas decoration and reading the line “if you survive the first 48 hours”. I just got off the phone with poison control in Pittsburgh. I live in Sweden. I have been to Pittsburgh once. I have no idea how I ended up talking to them, I was in a Dr. Google haze.
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