Airplane
December 6th, 2010
Oh man, you guys, we were that family on our flight home. You know the family. YOU KNOW THE FAMILY. The ones with the inconsolable screaming kid? Yes! That was us!
My apologies to the entire Boston University girls’ figure skating team, who was on our flight, most of whom were glaring disapprovingly in our general direction, and while I wanted to feel sorry for them, I also wanted to yell, YOU HAVE AN IPOD. CRANK IT UP AND READ YOUR KATE MIDDLETON FLUFF. I WILL BE HERE SEETHING WITH JEALOUSY. Also, here are some condoms. And birth control pills. And also, for good measure, take a few packages of the Today Sponge, although after that experience, it’s highly unlikely that any of them will forget to take their birth control for many years, perhaps decades.
Look, we did our best. We tried everything. Snacks! Drinks! Videos! Games! Crayons! Not even Muno could coax her out of her misery, for she screamed for at least forty minutes straight. Ears? Exhaustion? Fed up with the world? We’ll never know. And then, miraculously, she suddenly passed out cold, just in time for the plane to begin descending into Logan, when the steep descent powered her head forward at such a sharp angle that Adam had to keep his fingers pressed to her forehead to keep her from bobbing into the seat in front of her.
I never thought I’d say this, but flying without children sounds akin to a hot stone massage at this point. An entire hour — or more! — to sit and stare into space, maybe read a magazine? YES, SIGN ME UP. I don’t care if it means my knees are contorted into my kidneys, I will go ANYWHERE YOU WANT, so long as I don’t have to bring a car seat on board, strap a small person into it and try in vain to entertain said small person while she wails in indescribable agony (hers AND mine).
It was only marginally preferable to driving twelve hours, I think. I’m not sure. What I am certain of is that I am planning to be pregnant, pretending to be pregnant and/or nursing a newborn or Bitty Baby for the next four hundred Hanukkahs, so that Adam’s family is forced to come to us and we never have to do that again. I don’t care if it means I have to have a hundred children or pretend that I have a serious delusional disorder that makes me think that my dolls are real. I will do it, so long as I don’t have to take a toddler on an airplane. Or a car.
Basically, I am never leaving the house again, even it means I’m homeschooling my kids, despite being wholly incapable of doing so.
You know what kids ARE good for, though, speaking of airplanes? Forgetting you’re afraid to fly. Honestly, that plane could have been plummeting to the ground with flames dripping off the wings, and I’d have been all, “LOOK, IT’S FOOFA!” without even realizing my death was imminent.
The trip itself was drama-free and rather uneventful, and we saw family, we lit candles, we ate brisket and latkes and kugel and it was lovely. Sam ate the entire state of Virginia, as she’s on some kind of insane effing growth spurt, and when I PRACTICALLY RAN OUT OF FOOD TO GIVE HER at a freakin’ CHINESE BUFFET, I thought, well, she’s either growing or I’m raising a child with the appetite of a horse, and she’ll be obese by age three. Scurvy, I assure you she does not have, for she ate four (4) cups of mandarin oranges over the course of 24 hours, and I do believe we’ve determined that she did not have citrus-induced diarrhea that time way back when, but in fact, had a horrible stomach virus. This makes me marginally happy, because I feel like most of us have a limited number of stomach viruses we are forced to endure as parents, and with one down, well, my quota is rapidly reaching capacity.
Do not, whatever you do, disavow me of this notion.
And it’s bedtime, suckers. Happy Tuesday!
*Widespread Panic
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!
25 Comments Add your own
1. Kristin | December 6th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
I was on a flight with ‘that family’ this summer. I felt nothing but sorry for those parents. I had my 18month old with me (as well as the other 4 of my offspring). It was just luck that it happened to be them and not me that day. Bummer it had to be you guys. Poor kid. ***I just went back and deleted the extra space after each period.
**
2. JCF | December 6th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
Oof, sorry about that plane ride.
My husband had to go out of town for 2 days last week (actually the last 3 weeks, but we’re not counting or anything). I got to stay home with the 3 year old, almost 2 year old, and 5 month old. When I expressed jealousy, my husband said “I am going to WORK, not for leisure.” and I countered, “You get to sit on an airplane and order a drink and read a magazine and no one will poke you! You get to eat in restaurants! You get to sleep THROUGH THE NIGHT in a hotel!”
3. Nothing But Bonfires | December 6th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
A Bitty Baby? Please tell me this is a reference to Little Britain? If so, I demand that we get married right away.
4. Ginger | December 6th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Ugh, sorry that she (and you!) had that kind of flight. Being on the other side of being *THAT* family makes me want to go back in time and smack pre-baby me for my judgy judgment. Because, crap, it’s not like most parents aren’t trying, trying ANYTHING to get the kid to be quiet.
5. agirlandaboy | December 7th, 2010 at 1:59 am
Oh dude. I am so, so sorry you were that family. SO SORRY. (Flying is another instance in which I always wonder how single parents can do that by themselves. Seriously, how is that possible?)
And yes, I can confirm that a flight without children is a magical experience. I read an entire book from front to back on my flight from ATL last month (bliss!), and that thing about not being afraid of flying when there’s a kid in tow also applies to flying solo AFTER you’ve flown several times with a toddler. Basically, you’re so effing glad to be by yourself, reading a book, that you’re not bothered by anything, turbulence or plummeting or anything.
Wombat’s last free flight was over Thanksgiving, and now that we’ve booked our Christmas flights and seen how much it costs for all three of us, we’ve told our families to not expect us to go anywhere at all until Wombat finds a way to pay for his own ticket. We’re not even kidding.
6. Marci | December 7th, 2010 at 10:15 am
We were so close to being that family over thanksgiving, luckily there were several other of those families on the flight, and so it couldn’t all be pinned on us. I feel your pain!
7. Marie Green | December 7th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Oh, man, I totally get this. My family lives 550 miles away (about 8 hours driving, plus stops, so about 10 hours), so one year for Christmas we decided to fly home. The girls were under 2, so we only had to buy 2 tickets, it’s a ONE hour plane ride… Oh, but arriving at the MSP airport and you could visibly see the HORROR of people’s faces when they saw us at THEIR gate- we had not ONE baby but TWO!!! I swear a few people were muttering prayers that we were at the wrong gate or that we were just super early for a later flight.
The flight itself was uneventful, for the most part, but I was so nervous the whole time about making everyone uncomfortable. Our total travel time as only about an hour or two less than if we’d driven (we live over an hour from the airport, we got there 2 hours early, our flight was about an hour late and lasted 1 1/2 hours instead of 1 hour, and my mom lives 1/2 from her airport… so in all it was nearly 7 hours from doorstep to doorstep.) In the end, we decided driving was easier. (Especially considering getting gifts HOME again!)
But whenever I’m on a plane with fussy/screamy children, I am nothing but sympathetic for the parents and kid. Poor Sam! Poor you!
8. cindy w | December 7th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Oh man, I’m so sorry about the return flight. We have been that family before. Usually it’s during the descent when the air pressure makes her ears freak out (and has twice – TWICE – made her barf from airsickness; good times!).
Also, I have flown on planes with that family, and all I feel is sympathy. I do not glare or mutter judgments on strangers’ parenting abilities, I just close my eyes and say a quick prayer of thanks that it isn’t us this time. Because I know it probably will be us next time.
9. Elsha | December 7th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Even before I had kids I tried never to glare disapprovingly at parents who were at least trying. Now, the dad who let his EIGHT YEAR OLD kick my husband’s seat for an entire flight? Oh, he got glared at. I probably would have yelled at him to, but our baby was sleeping.
10. Life of a Doctor's Wife | December 7th, 2010 at 10:53 am
I used to be one of the disapproving glarers on airplanes, but after reading blog posts like this one, I am deeply sympathetic. Not only do the parents have to endure the screaming – full force, right in their faces – they also have to endure the disapproval. Not cool.
Glad the trip went well at least, and that you are now back. Your Airplane Avoidance Plan sounds like a good one.
11. Jennifer Saito | December 7th, 2010 at 11:11 am
I hear this LOUD and CLEAR! It’s awful
I’m sorry. We were flying back home from living in Germany and my daughter was about 16 months. She cried and cried and cried. 7 hour flight and she refused to sleep. But a woman took pity on us all and came over to talk to me as I was struggling. As soon as she did that Evelyn was distracted and stopped crying. That woman was my angel. I’ll always remember her and I’ll try to pay it forward if I ever see a parent on a flight in the same boat.
12. TUWABVB | December 7th, 2010 at 11:23 am
Take this for what it’s worth – the opinion of a non-mother and that rare woman that doesn’t necessarily get excited over babies – I have never, ever, never felt anything but sympathy for the child that’s screaming and the parents when a situation like that arises. And anyone who gets annoyed is an asshole. People have to realize you cannot control your child’s reaction to everything, and while the situation is unpleasant, having a crappy attitude about it will only make it worse. In fact, I’ve had other passengers complain to me in situations like that and I’ve told them to shut their pie-hole and think of how horrible the parent feels. We have no idea what a kid feels or thinks on an airplane, and sometimes they are going to cry – end of story. Everyone needs to be a little more understanding , shut the hell up and offer a helping hand if possible. Good Lord, it’s not like the child is ruining a spa routine at the Four Seasons – you’re sitting on a glorified tin can that is NEVER properly cleaned breathing in recycled air containing everyone’s germs and skin cells – so get some perspective – flying sucks regardless.
But I’m so sorry you were so miserable and I’m glad you are home safe and happy.
13. amandapm | December 7th, 2010 at 11:38 am
In the spirit of TUWABVB – I also feel really sympathy for very little children having bad in-flight experiences. I always figure it’s all the weirdness of flying (ears popping, floor rumbling, etc.) that’s got to be freaking them right out. Even when I was in my 20s and traveled constantly I felt this way; once, flying back from San Diego with a borderline case of flying-constantly-with-bronchitis pneumonia, I sat behind a little baby who shrieked the entire six hours and all I could think the whole time was, “I feel for you, kid; if I could get away with it, I’d be screaming my head off too right about now!” Glad y’all got home safely!
14. Tessie | December 7th, 2010 at 11:55 am
After a few hellish experiences flying with Ava when she was under 2, I can no longer be phased by any solo-flying “inconveniences.”
Sitting in middle seat? OH WELL. Security line long? I’ll just STAND HERE PEACEFULLY. Flight delayed? I’ll be AT THE BAR.
15. jonniker | December 7th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
HA! Holly, alas, no. It’s a reference to American Girl dolls — their infant doll line is called Bitty Baby.
16. Katy | December 7th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
That’s rough. Also, I hate people who glare–as if I am somehow happy and excited about the fact that my child is screaming. Actually, Charlie almost never screams in public and when he does I want to shout at people, “this NEVER happens,” which I’m sure will, in no way, make them feel better about the current screaming.
17. SwingCheese | December 7th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
When I was pregnant, I took a group of students overseas. On the transatlantic leg of the trip, I was up wandering and came across a baby who was about 8 mos. old and mildly fussy. His parents were going to Germany for a much anticipated family reunion, and were just feeling horrible because he’d been throwing up and crying and they were concerned for the people sitting near them. I chatted with them for a few minutes, assured them that anyone who was going to be judgmental or rude to them in that situation was a jerk and that their little guy wasn’t as loud as they feared. I’m sorry for you, and I kinda hope that at least 50% of those figure skaters have this same experience in a decade. Maybe 75%. Or even 85%.
18. elizabeth- flourish in progress | December 7th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Holy smokes! I felt like I was in the airplane just then….not as those little ice skaters…but as YOU!
May I say a big fat CONGRATS for surviving that. You are either a genius or a saint. You can pick, but both options are pretty good.
19. Carla Hinkle | December 7th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
You know, I used to think it was preferable to bring the car seat when flying with the under-2 set. They’ll be contained! It will remind them of the car! They will be safer!
After a few experiences with a crazed, strapped down toddler I have re-thought my philosophy. If the plane is in such bad shape they REALLY need the car seat, well, I think we’ve got bigger problems. Far better to be able to pass them back and forth to Daddy and stave off insanity a brief, few minutes more.
20. jonniker | December 7th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Carla: We’ve done both, and though each have their own special forms of misery, I preferred the car seat. At least she was CONTAINED, as you said. When she’s in our laps, she doesn’t sit still, leaving us to restrain her horribly with our arms. HORROR.
When she was an infant, it was a no-brainer — lap child all the way, nurse to sleep, VOILA! Toddler? OMFG LANDS.
21. Jokes for friends »&hellip | December 8th, 2010 at 12:24 am
[...] Airplane | Jonniker. [...]
22. Heather | December 8th, 2010 at 9:34 am
So sorry you had such a draining experience. Traveling with children sucks, no other way to put it. We drove to Myrtle Beach this summer which promptly forced us to cancel our Thanksgiving drive to Chicago. My 3 year old did not shut up for at least 6 hours and my then 16 month old basically whined and screamed the entire time despite having anything they wanted on the dvd player and an unlimited amount of trader joes lollipops.
It could make one want to jump from the plane or car.
23. Marci | December 8th, 2010 at 10:52 am
We did this, it totally worked, and we didn’t have to lug the car seat on the plane.
http://www.kidsflysafe.com/
24. Nike Air Force 1 | February 20th, 2012 at 2:02 am
555linli8
The tyrant dies and his rule ends, the martyr dies and his rule begins.
25. Nike Free 5.0 v4 | April 18th, 2012 at 3:30 am
555linli16.
The establishment of the great life, not can know, but the can.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed