Winter Winds

So yesterday, I found myself Googling “baby Lunchables” after Cherie mentioned there was such a thing on Twitter, and I thought, really? Lunchables for infants? Now, I’m not really an anti-Lunchables person the way some are (hashtag alert!), I just don’t find them particularly appealing. I also find their convenience dubious at best, because how hard can it be to throw a few crackers in a baggie along with some sliced ham and cheese from the deli, anyway? It’s not even like it comes in a cute package! It’s just gross, gelatinous “meat and cheese,” scare quotes intended, with crackers in a cheap plastic tin.

So anyway, I’m Googling, and I find myself on a (oh my God) teen pregnancy message board, which is the last place I anticipated arriving when Googling “Lunchables for babies,” but there I am, all sucked into the lives of these pregnant teens (Like Teen Mom, but … without all the fanfare), and before you know it, I realize that these women girls are consuming Lunchables by the truckload and stressing about the deli meat’s impact on their unborn baby. Oh, why, do you ask? Not because they’re just paranoid, but because they’ve had MULTIPLE MISCARRIAGES, because they have been TRYING TO HAVE A BABY FOR A LONG TIME.

SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLDS.

Oh, Google. What seedy underbelly of sadness hath you unearthed? HONESTLY.

Look, I have friends — good friends — who were teen moms, and are excellent, accomplished people today. And God knows if Sam should find herself in a teenage pickle, I will support her, stand by her and help her no matter what she chooses to do. But I think we can all agree that going down the TTC route while in one’s teenage years is not exactly the goal of most people, right? And not something you … want for your children or yourself? HOLY MERDE.

On a more practical note, they’re craving … Lunchables? While pregnant? I don’t know about you guys, but when I was pregnant with Sam, I couldn’t even DEAL with meat that was in any way FOUL or JELLYLIKE or ENCASED IN PLASTIC. GAH, JELLIED MEAT, GAH.

It all reminds me of some of the old cookbooks I collect, wherein it was chic to encase meat products in aspic (which is, I think, a meat product in itself), and God, I’m not sure how anyone attended a single dinner party in the 1960s, because man, if the cookbooks are any indication, the menu choices must have been interminably foul.

In other news, Nick Jr. is out to terrify the shit out of me with their constant reminders to use flameless candles, water my tree and avoid anything that could IGNITE INTO FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAAAAAMES! Christmas is the season of HOUSE FIRES!

Adam asked me the other day if I was watering the tree, and I’m like, DUDE, YOU ARE MARRIED TO MRS. SAFETY. I water that thing DAILY. SOMETIMES TWICE DAILY.

I also bought a second fire extinguisher today. Just in case.

FLAAAAAAAAMES.

*Mumford & Sons. WINTER WINNNNNDS WILL START A FIIIIIIIRRRREEEE.

27 comments December 15th, 2010