Dead or Alive
December 20th, 2010
Late last week, Sam and I were both felled by the same creeping crud that every other family we’re friends with has also been pummeled by, and while I promise I won’t be bitching about the cold itself (well, except to say that a coughing toddler is the saddest thing ever, no, seriously, SO SAD), it unleashed a torrent of insomnia that left me wide awake as late as 2 a.m., staring at Adam’s sleeping form with a genuinely terrifying fury. I wanted to SMASH HIS SKULL for being able to sleep so soundly. I wasn’t just jealous; I was angry, bitter and wanted EVERYONE to stay awake with me until I fell asleep. EVERYONE.
Nevermind that the poor, sweet guy had already stayed awake an extra hour to rub my head, and that the next morning, he got up with Sam and tucked me back in and rubbed my face and let me sleep as long as I wanted, NO. NO THAT WASN’T ENOUGH. I WANTED TO CRACK SOME SKULLS.
I was awesome to be around, I’ll bet. Fortunately for everyone, no one was awake to witness it, and I had some modicum of skull-cracking impulse control.
Sudafed was deemed the culprit, and I see now why people use Nyquil, because it is … not meant to keep you awake, like Sudafed. It’s made for NIGHTTIME. And Sudafed is basically speed, right? Or … something meth-related? You can tell I’m really up on my drug-related knowledge, seeing as I’d never even HEARD of the shit Miley Cyrus was caught smoking, and before my kid gets old enough for such shenanigans, I’d better get it together, otherwise she’ll mention it, and I’ll be all, Yes, salvia! GREAT idea, Sam! All natural and sweetens your coffee like a dream if you can handle the bitter aftertaste!
ANYWAY, this is the longest, most boring way ever of explaining that at 3 a.m., I went on a frantic search for my pregnancy-era stash of Unisom, leftover from when I bought out the entire stock in the state of Vermont, and though I didn’t take it that night, I DID take it last night in a desperate attempt to get a decent night’s sleep, and HELLO, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What I also accomplished was a glassy-eyed morning wake-up with a bladder so full I could have peed a river from here to Egypt, and then, a whole five and a half hours later, I passed out cold during Sam’s nap in a puddle of drool and sweat, and right now, I swear to God, I could go to bed for another ten or forty hours and you guys, I took that FOUR TIMES A DAY WITH SAM, OH MY GOD, HOW WAS I NOT SLEEPING TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY?
Seeeeeeeriously.
And now, a list of people I am genuinely not sure are dead or alive. Be embarrassed for me if you wish, but I got nothing:
Bob Hope
Vince Lombardi
Ray Charles
Corey Feldman
Telly Savalas
Jerry Lee Lewis, who I just learned is not the same person as Jerry Lewis (FASCINATING STUFF)
Wilfred Brimley
Valerie Harper
and of course, the perennially dead Abe Vigoda.
Yep. I do not know if they are dead or alive. Or, apparently who some of the Jerrys are. (I KID. I learned that one thanks to my Facebook friends a few weeks ago, ha HA! TRIUMPH!)
And on a final note, I’d like to ask everyone reading this to just take a couple minutes and … slow down. Be nice to someone. Let people have your parking spot — don’t rush to get into it. Drive slowly in parking lots. Smile to the cashier at Target. Be patient. Take a deep breath and smile, even if someone’s an asshole to you out and about.
I say this because while finishing up some Christmas shopping on Saturday, Adam and I were struck by how MISERABLE everyone seemed. My God, I realize it’s a stressful time of year — I do. I’ve got a family and visitors coming and trips to plan and a kid and a house AND AND AND, so really, I GET IT. But oh, it makes me sad to see so many people so intensely wound up and miserable and taking it out on everyone around them.
Then, to make matters worse, one of my good friends was nearly MOWED DOWN this morning in the Toys R Us parking lot from some pissed-off lady who wasn’t paying attention, who was driving too fast, not focused and just … almost hit Megan and her two-year-old daughter, who were on foot. Screeching tires, slamming brakes, etc. Worse, the woman didn’t apologize and when Megan asked for one (which, HAHA, I love it, because yeah, lady, APOLOGIZE FOR ALMOST KILLING A KID), she was unkind. UNKIND. AFTER NEARLY TAKING THEM OUT IN THE PARKING LOT.
So please, do me a favor: slow down. Smile. Take a breath. It’ll all get done, and if it doesn’t, it’s Christmas. People won’t even notice, and if they do, they’ll forgive you.
Merry (almost) Christmas! Happy holidays!
*OH GOD EVERYONE. Bon Jovi, FINE, I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,General jackassery
23 Comments Add your own
1. Artemisia | December 21st, 2010 at 1:01 am
You are ahead of me in the game. I don’t even recognize five of those names in your “Dead or Alive?” list.
I hear you on the “let’s play nice!” plea. My errands this evening after work left me — heartsick. Come on, folks.
And I am scared stiff that Christmas is only a few days away and that seven adults, four dogs, two toddlers and one evil cat are about to descend on my 1,200 square foot home in a matter of days. If I can reign in The Crazy, so can anyone else.
Let’s be nice.
*help*
Hope you feel better, and little Sam, too.
P.S. As I was looking up recipes to make and freeze ahead to feed the herd mentioned above, one mentioned Liquid Smoke. I marked that off as a possibility after your description of your tree and the smoke-flavoring. Your misfortune has made at least one life a bit better!
Happy Holidays, my dear!
2. Ginger | December 21st, 2010 at 2:39 am
I’m almost ashamed at how often I stare at my sleeping husband with murderous rage at the simple fact that he is sleeping, and I.Am.NOT. And I can’t even blame Sudafed! But to be fair, the man can sleep anywhere, at anytime, and has slept through more stuff than I can even count. So there’s that.
And to completely flip my comment–AMEN to the whole be nice, slow down, don’t rush. It’s crazy out there, but if the holidays can’t inspire us to be nice to each other at least occasionally, when will it happen?
3. twojams (Shannon) | December 21st, 2010 at 7:39 am
I sympathize – I’ve been up at night with a dry, hacking cough, the kind that feels like some little weevil keeps sprinkling an ever-so-slight bit of talcum powder right in the middle of my throat. I cough until I just want to cry. The other night my husband casually pulled a pillow over his head to block out the noise, so I went to sleep in the spare room. Ah, love.
And yes, people, slow down for the love of pete. I don’t understand speeding through parking lots at any time of year. (Pausing typing to shake my fist.) It’s just crazy! And how about the people that will block the entire parking aisle to wait over 5 minutes for someone to pull out of a spot? Not as bad as speeding, but sakes alive, just FIND ANOTHER SPOT already. As a matter of fact, there’s one just 30 feet away! Okay, I’m done…
Glad you are feeling better this week… happy holidays!
4. Swistle | December 21st, 2010 at 7:56 am
I saw someone yesterday TEXTING as they drove through a CROWDED WITH PEDESTRIANS parking lot. They just cruuuuuuuuuised on through, eyes down. I saw them from quite far away, and their eyes never even glanced up. I don’t know why I’m telling this story, since it seems to be about a parking lot experience rather than about slowing down and being nice.
5. SwingCheese | December 21st, 2010 at 9:33 am
We got snow here yesterday, and not even a lot – only 3 or 4 inches. But everyone was in such a hurry that they were sliding all over the place. My parents were almost rear ended, saved only by the fact that the guy ended up sliding off the interstate into a ditch. I personally watched any number of cars fishtailing their way into and out of the Best Buy parking lot. I agree with the plea for niceness. In fact, I’d settle for common sense and politeness. And to the van that almost took me and boyo out – it is ok to slow down in the snow – Lowe’s will still be there 30 seconds from now.
6. H | December 21st, 2010 at 10:08 am
I had some business at the local Kohls customer service desk the other day. I was assisted by a woman who looked to be about 8 months pregnant, although for all I know she was overdue — anyway, she was large with child and looked uncomfortable. She was sooooo crabby from the moment she opened her mouth to ask what I needed. I was a bit dumbfounded at first, then irritated, and then I decided to just be as nice as I could be because it would suck to have a holiday-customer-service-on-your-feet job at that stage of pregnancy. My pleasant disposition didn’t magically make her any nicer, but I felt better after I left the store knowing that at least I hadn’t made her day worse.
I’ve been having the 3 a.m. perimenopausal wake ups so I lay there listening to my husband and dog sleeping so deeply. I manage to leave them alone, but there was one night that I nearly woke my husband to ask him to go use some mouthwash because something had apparently died in his mouth and ALL THE AIR IN THE ROOM SMELLED LIKE DEAD SOMETHING.
Yeah, I’m running on 6 hours sleep over the past 2 nights. It could be worse, I know, but I’m so frustrated!
7. Nic | December 21st, 2010 at 10:36 am
Now I have to go through and see if those people are dead or not.
8. Joe | December 21st, 2010 at 11:46 am
Did you ask Adam whether Vince Lombardi is still alive? I bet I could hear his *snort* here in NY…..
9. Christine | December 21st, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Oh, I give my husband that look on days when I can’t sleep and he is snoring. First I’ll try to rearrange him…usually starting by rubbing his shoulders, but now he is on to me, and gets grumpy. And finally, when the snoring has reached a crescendo I leave (loudly) and go to the guest bedroom so at least I won’t kill someone. Fun times!
Vince Lombardi is DEAD! I know because some documentary was on the other night about him and I refused to shut it off. The others? No idea. I think Jerry Lewis is alive, but Jerry Lee Lewis? No clue. (I’m voting dead).
10. mar | December 21st, 2010 at 2:26 pm
You’re about 50/50 on the dead or alive list, though I’m sure you’ve looked them up by now.
First 3 are dead, Corey Feldman is alive (though Cory Haim is not), Telly Savalas died in the 90s and the rest are amazingly alive (unless I missed Brimley)
Your post goes so nicely with Suebob’s next to last post. And now I want to say “be kind, rewind” for some reason.
11. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | December 21st, 2010 at 3:15 pm
I’m pretty sure Feldman and Vigoda are alive. That is all I’ve got.
12. -R- | December 21st, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I never felt embarrassed for you about the Jerry Lewis confusion. They are just so different that it amuses me to think of one doing the other one’s job.
I did not know which Corey was which so would not have been able to tell you if Feldman were alive or not. I can’t think of any other famous people that I get confused about, but I’m sure there are plenty. However, there are two women at work who I thought were the same person for several months.
I agree with your comments about slowing down. I feel lucky I have only had to deal with one mildly crazy person so far this season. Probably I just haven’t seen too many people because we keep getting snowed in at our house due to the ridiculous amount of snow here.
13. Kris Taylor | December 21st, 2010 at 10:19 pm
People really need to chill out and stop being asshats. Today, hubby and I went to Best Buy. As we pulled into a lane (aisle?) to get to a parking spot, there were honestly, 3 people all trying to back out of spots at the same time, so we all took a deep breath, waved etc, and started waiting our turns. Guy in a blue car comes blowing through and blocks EVERYONE as he pulls into the open spot in the middle of it all. As we pulled in I threw my hand up (no gestures I swear!) and said “You couldn’t wait?!” from inside my closed car. Came out 20 minutes later to find he had spit on my window. Thanks for that really. Merry Christmas!
14. Olivia | December 22nd, 2010 at 10:46 am
I constantly give my husband death stares because he is sleeping and I am not. They dude can sleep anywhere anytime. The times it ticks me off the most is when he says, “Hey lets watch a movie!” then starts snoozing 2 minutes in. And he cannot be sufficiently awakened, so I end up missing half the movie because I’m tell him to WAKE THE EFF UP!
15. Lauren | December 22nd, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Timely post in that last night I stayed up WAY past my bedtime to watch some Vince Lombardi retrospective that the hubby had on the TV. I would not have known if he was alive or dead either, but turns out VERY dead – died in 1970 from cancer, before I was even born. THANKS FOR MAKING ME CRY AT MIDNIGHT HBO.
16. Katy | December 22nd, 2010 at 8:10 pm
The crazy is strong this time of year. I’m pretty much staying home as much as I can. I did have to go to Walmart for dog food and diapers and I brought my MIL with me for moral support.
I’m pretty sure Corey Feldman is still alive.
17. Violet | December 23rd, 2010 at 10:28 am
Ok, now you made me spend my work time reading Wikipedia. Happy now?
The results are:
Bob Hope – dead
Vince Lombardi – dead
Ray Charles – dead
Corey Feldman – alive
Telly Savalas – dead
Jerry Lee Lewis – alive
Wilfred Brimley – alive
Valerie Harper – alive
Abe Vigoda – alive
Some of those surprised me. I thought Feldman overdosed, I guess I was wrong (ok, obviously I was wrong!)
18. Diane | December 23rd, 2010 at 11:58 am
AH — days late on commenting here, but man. The people are NUTS this year. Twice this week people just completely IGNORED the flashing “hey people are going to be using this crosswalk look it’s posted BY LAW YOU HAVE TO STOP HERE” signs. Just ignored them! As I crossed the street on the way home from school with my 4-year-old on foot and my 2-year-old in a stroller. (We have to cross the street by the mall, heaven help us, and it’s usually FINE, but lordy these people are psycho!)
I will admit to being confused by the Jerry Lewis vs. Jerry Lee Lewis business as well, and I honestly don’t know which is which or what ONE of them looks like, because I picture the same person when I hear either name.
19. Carrie | December 23rd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Thank you Violet for posting who is dead and alive because, seriously, I had NO IDEA. And why can’t I remember what Valerie Harper looks like? I keep picturing Valerie Bertinelli…haha
I love your advice about slowing down and actually had a GREAT customer service experience at a Payless Shoesource yesterday, of all places.
I needed to exchange a pair of slippers for a different size and pulled up to the doors at 9:05pm (5 min after closing) and seeing that there were people still inside did the total jerky move of seeing if the doors were still open and I could sneak in to do the exchange. No luck! The doors were locked and I turned to walk back to my car when the cashier saw me and came over and unlocked the door for me. I explained I just needed to swap out sizes and he let me in. Well, OF COURSE, they did not have the size I needed so now I needed to do an exchange for a different pair. When the cashier saw what happened he volunteered to go in the back to see if they had any more of the slippers I originally purchased and when they didn’t, he came back and pleasantly processed my exchange. This is at PAYLESS SHOESOURCE!! the Taco Bell of shoe stores!! He was so nice to me and went above and beyond when I was the asshole customer who came in after closing. It made me so appreciative (and I DID THANK HIM PROFUSELY) and I have vowed to be just as pleasant as he was from now until Christmas (we’ll see how I do).
20. Scott | December 29th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Wonder if Sam has considered sleeping behind a locked door ? = )
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