Life During Wartime
January 30th, 2011
Once again, your comments brought me to effing TEARS (and my mom, too, pretty much), and I’m working my way through my email, which is usually not an issue, except that HOO BOY I am TERRIBLE with email and wait, where was I?
Oh, right. So this last week, just to be clear, I wasn’t holed up in some corner, weeping my life away (although I have moments of being pretty bummed out), but I had a deadline and now THAT is done, I feel like … well, a new woman, in a weird way, only because I suddenly have all of this free time. Which: HA! I never had that much to BEGIN with, but when you’re me and you basically get your whole job done in your free time, well, when it returns after a deadline, suddenly life seems RIFE WITH POSSIBILITIES and maybe things like crafting and knitting! SCRAPBOOKING! I SHALL MAKE ALL OF OUR CLOTHES FROM SCRATCH AND START A CAKE BUSINESS!
Except, well, no, the only thing I am remotely decent at is what I do for a living, so I am not on my way to being on Top Chef: Just Desserts OR Project Runway, but am doomed to be a writer and communications professional-type person, and sadly, that is not at all glamorous or exciting and worse, there is no fondant or buttercream or even pretty scraps of paper. What a pile of shit.
So we really are doing okay, with the exception of the occasional disproportionate reaction to something relatively minor. See: our trash. Since the snow has been piling up, we CANNOT get the damn bags to the front of the house without dragging them through four feet of snow, and I know! I know I am prone to hyperbole, but when I say four feet of snow, I REALLY MEAN IT. Our entire yard is covered in four feet of snow, and that’s not even the drifts or the piles where the plow pushed it all, and it’s just getting CRAZY up in here, and there was a time when our driveway could hold five or six cars, and now, so help me, we are running out of room for TWO.
Anyway, so it takes us at least an hour to take out the trash, no kidding, and so Thursday, Adam dragged eleven bags out there, and then, oh my God, on Friday, THE GARBAGE MEN DID NOT TAKE THEM. Which, fine; the bags were white, but IT IS NOT MY FAULT WE USE HEFTY KITCHEN BAGS. BESIDES, THERE WAS ONE BLACK ONE.
And this kind of, um, sent me over the edge, most likely because my neighbor CALLED ME to tell me this happened, and it just felt so MEDDLING and before I knew it, I was calling Adam in near hysterics, because WE WERE GOING TO BE BURIED BY SNOW AND TRASH, SOMEONE SAVE US. And he was literally consoling me about it, because, apparently, trash gets me SUPER UPSET.
Anticlimactic resolution: the trash men came back Saturday morning after I called public works. Oh.
There was also the evening I thought Adam’s (ancient, strangely beloved) Honda was leaking fuel and I worked myself into a tearful lather all, “I SMELL GAS!” and made AAA tow it, but as it turns out, they would NOT tow it unless the fire department came to make sure it was safe to do so, which they did. Unfortunately, they also did it at 9 p.m. while driving a GIANT FIRE TRUCK with LIGHTS and FIREMEN IN UNIFORM AND HELMETS who were all, um, why are we here? To which Adam helpfully shrugged his shoulders and sighed, “My wife smelled fuel. I don’t smell it. Do you?”
Well, no, they didn’t, but it turns out the car DID have an exhaust leak discovered by the repair people and WHAT’S UP NOW?
Beyond that, I’ve had my period for fourteen days (YES, SERIOUSLY), so that might be contributing to the whole, um, sensitivity issue, not to mention the fact that there are, um, POSTPARTUM HORMONE DIPS. Did you know this? I did not know this. I mean, this should be LOGICAL, but it wasn’t until I found myself sweating buckets at night (and demanding that Adam crank up the air conditioning, I DO NOT LIE) and having the same headache for ten days straight that I’m all, I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD A BABY and then I’m all, OH RIGHT, dumbass, your body kind of thinks you did.
So that’s special.
I have also welcomed wine back into my life with open arms. Trader Joe’s is happy for the sudden spike in revenue, I am certain.
And it’s funny, while I write this all down, it sounds like the day to day is very sad and sweaty and fraught with trash-and fire-type drama, when I promise, it isn’t. Well, until Friday, it was fraught with deadlines and not much else, but even then, as now, it was just pretty normal. We ARE returning to normal, and I completely credit Sam with that. Well, that and the fact that our default buttons are sort of set to “HAPPY.” But really, you have to be normal with a kid around. They’re like wee reflections of our own feelings. Bad mood? Kid will be a nightmare. Crying? Shit, she’s crying too. So we faked it for a little while, and then it started becoming real. She’s a riot, that tiny person who wears my gloves and pretends to be me while scolding the dog and putting her pants on her head. (Um, not that I wear my pants on my head. Well, not OUT, anyway.)
But still, I am shamed to admit, I’d like another one of those.
Happy Monday! Tomorrow I am stocking up on carbon monoxide detectors! JUST BECAUSE.
(What?)
*Talking Heads
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,Miscarriage,Pregnancy
19 Comments Add your own
1. Mama Bub | January 30th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
When I was maybe nine, our barbecue exploded in the backyard and flames were SHOOTING out of it. My mom called the fire department and while brushing her hair and putting on lipstick because, hello, firemen, she noticed that the LARGE! EMERGENCY! fire had become somewhat of a little flicker of flame. By the time they got there she wondered if she shouldn’t just go stoke it a bit to make it worth their while. They arrived with four lights and sirens engines, plus the fire chief Suburban, came tromping through the house in full fire gear and looked at the “fire” and asked, “Lady, do you have HOSE?”
2. mar | January 30th, 2011 at 10:52 pm
Really glad things are starting to get somewhat back to normal. Or as normal as it can be for the time being. Here’s hoping the snow makes a quick retreat some time in the near future, too!
3. page | January 30th, 2011 at 11:09 pm
You are so awesome. And I can just imagine Miss Sam in her upside-down pants.
Still sending major mental hugs your way. I figure, if you have a few spares, wherever there’s a little dip in the happy-o-meter, you can fill in the spaces.
4. Court | January 30th, 2011 at 11:18 pm
I feel you on the trash–this is my hubby’s job, I despise it, even without my raging hormones. He is in Afghanistan now so the job has been graciously handed over to me for the next 8 months—boooo!!
Sending you a hug as well
5. kathleen | January 30th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
I’m a bit embarrassed to say how often I’ve thought of you all over the past two weeks, sending good thoughts and all. That said, I absolutely understand being surprised and grateful for how..well, okay, and livable and fine and deal-able the terribly terrible times are. I have an skill that i call ‘being VERY GOOD at being in the bad place’ and it sounds like you might have it as well. The alternate given means being not so good at being in the good place— good things happen and I worry and fret and don’t sleep and OOF. But being okay at managing terrible and sad and awful (the things I’m so sorry to hear you are navigating), that is a lucky thing. I’m so sorry it’s been so bad, but so glad that you are dealing. We are all sending so so many good thoughts.
6. jonniker | January 30th, 2011 at 11:53 pm
Kathleen it is comments like that, that make me wrinkle my forehead in total awe at how nice people can be.
You shouldn’t be embarrassed. I am ridiculously, truly, madly, deeply, beyond touched. No kidding.
7. Lucy | January 31st, 2011 at 4:44 am
Jonna, you’re so lovely. Sending good thoughts your way. x
8. H | January 31st, 2011 at 9:20 am
I think snow becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back, doesn’t it? It is as if Mother Nature is conspiring to make our lives just that much worse, for no reason at all. WE DON’T NEED THE SNOW. WE HAVE ENOUGH! I had a screaming crying fit the other day because my husband waved, in a friendly way, at the jackass neighbor while that neighbor was, AS USUAL, blowing the godforsaken snow from HIS driveway INTO MINE. (I do snow removal here.)
I’m glad you’re all doing so well. Go you!
9. Christine | January 31st, 2011 at 9:33 am
Gosh the snow! And thankfully my neck of the woods doesn’t nearly have four feet.
I’m so glad to hear you’re dealing. You are amazing and no one could blame you for wanting another kidlet. I mean, I’ve seen yours, she’s pretty adorable.
Thinking of you and Adam often.
10. Life of a Doctor's Wife | January 31st, 2011 at 10:32 am
The 11 bags of garbage not being picked up would make me burst into tears. That sounds awful. So glad that it was (fairly) easily resolved!
I’ve been thinking about you and your husband ever since I heard of your loss. I’m so glad that you are all getting back to that “happy” default.
11. katie | January 31st, 2011 at 11:35 am
I know I should put something heartfelt on here, because I do truly feel for you, but my lack of coffee intake has prevented my mind from coming up with anything even remotely appropriate, but you should know that this post made me laugh rather loud, and my two dogs are looking at me like Ive gone ’round the bend.
12. Jen | January 31st, 2011 at 12:28 pm
So sorry for your loss, and so glad that your adorable girl is bringing you joy. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, and for making my “salad at my desk” lunch MUCH more fun because I am picturing Sam with pants on head!
13. Gaby | January 31st, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Not to tell you what you should feel or anything, but you shouldn’t feel any shame in wanting another one. Your daughter obviously brings you (and strangers in the interwebs) great joy–why wouldn’t you want to multiply that joy in your life?
I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re a great writer. You have a way of expressing what I’m assuming is exactly what you’re like in real life, and if that’s true, I think you must be awesome.
Weirdest thing ever, and then I’ll shut up–when I had my son, my midwife’s apprentice? student? whatever, was assisting, and she looked just like the pictures you’ve posted of yourself! She was incredible (better than the midwife, actually), and I was so grateful for her being there, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was you! You don’t happen to moonlight as a midwife in Illinois per chance?
14. Maggy | January 31st, 2011 at 1:20 pm
I want to know how I can get my default set to “happy.” Cause it’s not. Hugs to you from Ohio and from my husband in DC. (Thanks, economy!) I’m with you on the postpartum thing. I remember sobbing because I had gas. Yeah.
15. mel | January 31st, 2011 at 4:22 pm
man, I love the way you write. First off, the snow is just going to kill me dead. Especially if we really do get another foot of snow this week. I may cry. Also, I am a crazy person when it comes to odd noises and smells coming from my car. I’m usually right, but still it takes some serious convincing to get the man to agree.
16. Leigh | January 31st, 2011 at 7:41 pm
We (your readers) love you guys. I’ve been thinking about you lots also. I’m glad you are doing well in all this.
Maybe the crazy is not just hormones but a little stir craziness? Thinking about having 4 ft of snow around my house makes my palms sweat. I am a Californian through and through.
Hah! I just remembered when you were adjusting to having summer weather at Christmas in Florida.
You should move to California.
17. Robyn | February 1st, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story with us. I am also going through a miscarriage, (that’s actually how i found your blog…a friend recommended it when she heard about our lose), and it’s nice to hear how someone else is coping. it’s nice to hear that someone else is feeling these same things as me. we also have a little girl (21 mos) and she’s what has gotten me through the worst days without spiraling down into a depression…just like yours. mothers have a way of dealing, just for the sake of their children, dont’ we?
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