Mesmerize
February 21st, 2011
Well, HELLOOOOO there. The, um, sickopalypse turned out to be an actual no-shit sickopalypse, with multiple pediatrician visits, a diagnosis of strep for Sam, strep tests for everyone else and a general plague that descended upon our home for roughly a week, and it was … it was very, very bad. Very bad. VERY BAD. There are not enough words to describe how, um, VERY BAD, things were.
In fact, I won’t even, because it would be boring and painful to go into, except that once again Dr. Google led us down a path of destruction and neurological nightmares, and culminated in a very grim visit to the pediatrician with a parental diagnosis of VERY BAD INDEED, only to have the pediatrician basically say, ummmm, no, that didn’t even cross my mind, OK? OK. Now go home and relax and give the kid fiber so she, um, well, whatever.
(I just have to hastily add that this time, the Googling wasn’t my doing. Small victories that aren’t really victories at all, but are in fact, rabbit holes of horror for everyone!)
However, we still had strep up in here, and after one adult getting swabbed (negative) it turned out it really didn’t matter at all because we still felt like we were at DEFCON 1 in terms of sickness, and anything diagnosable would have been both comforting and sort of useless, because we still felt like crap. That is, of course, unless it came with a FIX IT! button that would also transport us all to the Caribbean on Brobee’s back without having to pack enough snacks for the toddler.
We’re recovering nicely now, thanks. But I would like to once again humbly request that 2011 stop putting us through the wringer, and while I realize that a houseful of sick people hardly qualifies as a crisis, LEMME TELL YOU that it turns out when you had a January like we had, you’re a little trigger-happy with the panic button. What can I even say? We’re all PTSD up in here. I am, as of this writing, wobbling on the verge of tears for no good reason other OY, THAT SUCKED.
(I would also like to add that I am currently sitting on a tooth that had a root canal that appears to have been entirely ineffective, so I am also in a fair amount of pain and ALSO very probably watching our Caribbean vacation fund go slowly down the drain of DENTAL CRISIS and also maybe IMPLANT and while it’s possible that it won’t happen, I’m betting it will, because see also: PTSD and bad 2011 and please, someone just GIVE ME THE IV OF PINOT GRIGIO. PERKINS, WHERE ARE MY SMELLING SALTS?)
So now that we’ve covered THAT, can I just tell you that every single year — and I am not kidding you, EVERY YEAR — I make a biiiiig proclamation that I am NOT, no seriously, DEFINITELY NOT, going to watch American Idol this year, NO SERIOUSLY I AM NOT! Do not even ask me about it! And then … I get sucked in, because Adam doesn’t even PRETEND that he doesn’t want to watch it, with the excuse that there’s not much else on the teevee, so it’s on. Aaaand, naturally, there I am, slyly watching in the background and surreptitiously asking him WHAT, no seriously, WHAT, is up with that girl in the wheelchair, and why is everybody crying?
(He loves when I do this, as you can imagine. It’s also great when I decide three-quarters of the way through a season of a show I said I didn’t want to watch that hey HEY! it suddenly looks kind of interesting, and is now a good time for a primer of who everyone is, and WAIT, WHY IS THAT LADY PULLING A GUN? And why is Peg Bundy looking so suspiciously buff? And HOLY SHIT WHO IS THAT HOT GUY?)
(See: Sons of Anarchy)
So now here I am, all caught up on American Idol, sort of, and though I still don’t know who the (apparently moving) woman in the wheelchair is, or why she’s significant (other than AI loves people who make other people cry, because that show is quickly becoming a tearjerker of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition proportions), I am embarrassed to admit that I … I …
I LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ ON IT. A LOT. I am finding her ENDEARING and LIKABLE and you don’t understand, this is the SINGLE most frustrating outcome of any show I have ever seen, because I DID NOT WANT TO LIKE HER. I have always disliked her! She’s flashy! Inappropriate! Self-absorbed! Had infertility treatments and LIED ABOUT IT, which is fine if she didn’t want to disclose it, but to go on the record as saying that she got pregnant simply because she just KNEW SHE COULD DO IT since she WANTED IT SO BADLY was such a horrid slap in the face to people who ALSO want it so badly and just can’t, and … oh, dear.
Plus, she’s married to Marc Anthony, who is possibly the most insufferable person on the planet and bears a strong resemblance to Skeletor. And — AND! — like her predecessor, Paula Abdul, THE WOMAN CANNOT SING. She has the vocal range of my two-year-old daughter. NO — NO! — SHE HAS THE VOCAL RANGE OF SUNNY!
(Related: Why does AI keep getting these half-assed pop star judges with the vocal talent of your average high school chorus? At least Kara DioGuardi knew how to sing and, um, play instruments and stuff, like, you know, an actual musician. I kind of miss Kara and her constant screeches of artistry! ARTISTRY!)
So tell me, how is this woman (JLo, that is, not Kara) qualified to judge a singing competition? I’m putting money on the fact that she doesn’t even know what a KEY is, much less whether someone is OFF OF IT and yet there I am, smiling at her, and the way she likes the desperate, slightly insane girls with no real idea of what they’re doing or getting themselves into. She seems to really care about these kids! She’s invested! She’s … oh God. I wanted to hug her when she championed the single mom of the special needs kid, even though I didn’t even feel like her connection was genuine! I … holy merde, it’s just awful. She’s funny! She’s sweet!
She’s really done one hell of a PR job, is what she’s done. Dammit.
And all this is before I even touched on the fact that I am a little bit in love with Steven Tyler, even though he’s a total lech, and, I believe, is older than my dad. And I am MIDDLE AGED.
(Does that make it less creepy? No?)
Happy Tuesday!
*Ja Rule and Ashanti. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD THIS ONE, SUCKAH? (Me: this afternoon, when Kiss 108 played it, and then I stupidly — OH SO STUPIDLY — downloaded it.
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery,The anxious anxiety
20 Comments Add your own
1. megs | February 21st, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Do you need a year 2000 mix? B/c I can totally make you one. Much Ashanti. Ja Rule. Missy Elliot. City High (SERIOUSLY). Nelly. Uncle Kracker. And yes, J. Lo. Try not to be jealous of my musical taste.
2. Life of a Doctor's Wife | February 21st, 2011 at 11:31 pm
I went into AI this season with Very Negative Feelings about JLo and SteeTy. And I agree with you – they are charming and likable! SteeTy tells it like it is! JLo gets vary uncomfortable with stuff! Overall, I don’t miss Simon nearly as much as I anticipated.
And can we talk about JLo’s physical presence for a second? Because I want her hair and her skin. Or hair stylist and makeup artist. Either way, she looks amazing.
I’m so sorry that your year is off to such a rough start. I hope it’s all blue skies and Caribbean breezes from here on out.
3. slynnro | February 22nd, 2011 at 12:37 am
As someone who has had WAY MORE than her fair share of dental trauma in the past two years, I can say the implant was 1) least painful and 2) most expensive OMG. So ya know, good luck and all.
4. H | February 22nd, 2011 at 8:54 am
Steven Tyler is so much better than I thought he’d be – soooooo much better (except when he’s leering at the girls, which is just gross.) I am also shocked at how much I kind of like JLo. I’m not quite ready to declare she’s enjoyable but I think it’ll only take a few more shows. She’s growing on me.
I’m so sorry that 2011 continues to suck! Good luck!
5. HalynB | February 22nd, 2011 at 10:12 am
Frickin’ AI. I, too, swore that they would not suck me in this year. No Simon? Then no Halyn. But God help me, I LIKE Steven Tyler in this. I like JLO!! It is painfully shametastic, and I am hanging my head.
2011 seriously owes you flowers, cake and a couple of big-ass drinks. Wish I lived in your neck of the woods–I would risk strep throat to bring you cake. And liquor.
6. alimartell | February 22nd, 2011 at 11:02 am
I absolutely hate myself for it, but I can’t help it. I LOVE Jennifer Lopez on Idol.
7. SwingCheese | February 22nd, 2011 at 11:03 am
Though we have not had strep, we all (boyo, spouse and self) have had horrible colds with no end in sight. And boyo had a cough that was so bad I was calling the ped, begging for a steroid to ease his suffering (b/c watching your toddler cough so hard he throws up – twice – is unpleasant). And I was given….an inhaler. And my response to the nice nurse over the phone was: “An inhaler? Can you tell me how on earth I’m supposed to get my two year old to use an inhaler?” Because I can’t even get him to exhale to blow his own nose, haha. All I can say is that I’m so, so ready for spring to come. Seriously. March, come, now. Good luck to you all – I hope you find yourself in the Caribbean with much booze and no responsibilities
8. Lawyerish | February 22nd, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I am right there with you, both in getting sucked — AGAINST MY WILL — into American Idol YET AGAIN (though I keep swearing up and down that we will NOT watch it once they’re into the top 12) and in kind of loving Jennifer Lopez. There is something about her face that I find mesmerizing. She is so PERFECT LOOKING and LUMINOUS. I think it has brainwashed me in some way.
9. Leigh | February 22nd, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Um, I have always loved J-Lo. I can finally come out of the closet? She had me in Out of Sight. Also, I love any woman who wears an ass like that with pride.
So sorry about your dental hell. I am about $35k and four years into a $40k complete mouth reconstruction (this year I will be done). You do NOT want to know. There were braces and bone grafts and something called a sinus lift. All of my root canals (4) failed. If I ever need another root canal the answer will be “No, yank that sucker and go straight to the implant.”
Anyway, I love the implants.
So sorry about your 2011 thus far. I’m sure it will get better and, also, that life will vastly improve once spring comes and you can go outside.
10. Deb | February 22nd, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Probably your tooth is fine, unless you did not get a crown on it because you are a tightwad, and some germs got in there necessitating a SECOND root canal that was even worse than the first one.
Oh wait, that was me.
Probably you are getting reflected pain due to feeling like crap. I get tooth pain with a head cold and it always freaks me out, but turns out to be a sinus issue.
11. Maggy | February 22nd, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I don’t particularly care for JLo, but that’s because she blathered about how formula feeding was the best things for her babies. If she wants to bottle-feed, whatever, not my family, but don’t tell the public (okay, the People magazine reading public) that it’s better. Because processed food is always better than whole food? It just grates my lactivist ass.
12. Maggy | February 22nd, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Oh, and I hope you all feel better soon.
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