Heroes

When I can’t fall asleep at night, I find it vaguely soothing to think of things that are complete fantasy, and by “fantasy,” I don’t mean lying about dreaming of Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, but about scenarios that will never come to pass. It’s pretty much the only thing that keeps me from worrying, you know? Not that I have a lot to worry about in the grand scheme of things, but when you can’t fall asleep, there’s nothing more niggling than wondering if you paid that stupid water bill, or if you remembered to charge your phone. Minor concerns, yes, but in the dark hour of midnight, they become beyond paramount.

The problem is when the unrealities start keeping me up at night, and that’s where we’re at. As such, I shall pass my vaguely dark fantastical questions along to you, so that you, too, may stay up at night thinking about them. If you’re so inclined, tell me what you would do, and why, so that I can think about what YOU would do when I can’t sleep and wonder if THAT is a better choice.

1) An oldie but goodie. Sam’s favorite Yo Gabba Gabba episode is the Superhero one with Devo, and I’ve seen it no fewer than five hundred times, no exaggeration. Hey! Let’s play! SUPER-HEEROOOES!

OK, so you get a superpower. Just one. What is it?

I choose to freeze time. What CAN’T you do with freezing time? Nothing! You have alibis! You just freeze time, get a nap, finish your deadline, steal funds from Bernie Madoff, rob a bank, whatever! Whatever! Be Robin Hood! IS FULL OF ALL KINDS OF POSSIBILITIES.

Second choice: control the weather like Halle Berry in the X-Men. I like the idea of making it snow with cloudy eyes myself. Will be snowy mystery? Who made that snow? IN JULY? If it can be localized, even better! Make it snow on my NEIGHBOR’S house, not mine, especially since I clean up ten tons of her dog’s shit every day. And if there are forest fires somewhere? FIRE UP THE OLD RAINMAKER.

2) This is less, uhhh, happy, and I don’t mean this to make LIGHT of the situation, but this is where our thought process led us: Adam and I discussed the whole Japan nuclear meltdown possibility, which led to us wondering if a PERSON had to be at the controls to cool everything down, and if it would come down to some Armageddon-like situation (the movie, that is), with the government offering the hero’s family an astronomical sum for him or her to walk in their and have his/her face melted off, but save the world, or at least JAPAN. This led him to say he would consider it, because he’s just like that, and this also led to me clutching his arm all, DON’T LEAVE USSSSSS! and seriously, would ANY of you consider such a thing, because I DO NOT THINK I COULD. I believe I am very selfish and love my family too much, and that’s just if it were ME. Take my husband? I RIP YOUR FACE TO SHREDS! GET AWAY! GET AWAY! I KILL YOU FIRST!

See? Not happy. I’m sure THAT will keep me up at night, if Stephen King’s Bag of Bones doesn’t already. (SO GOOD. SO SCARY.)

Happy Monday! On that, um, happy thought. (THINK ABOUT THE SUPERHERO POWERS INSTEAD!)

19 comments March 13th, 2011