Heroes
March 13th, 2011
When I can’t fall asleep at night, I find it vaguely soothing to think of things that are complete fantasy, and by “fantasy,” I don’t mean lying about dreaming of Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, but about scenarios that will never come to pass. It’s pretty much the only thing that keeps me from worrying, you know? Not that I have a lot to worry about in the grand scheme of things, but when you can’t fall asleep, there’s nothing more niggling than wondering if you paid that stupid water bill, or if you remembered to charge your phone. Minor concerns, yes, but in the dark hour of midnight, they become beyond paramount.
The problem is when the unrealities start keeping me up at night, and that’s where we’re at. As such, I shall pass my vaguely dark fantastical questions along to you, so that you, too, may stay up at night thinking about them. If you’re so inclined, tell me what you would do, and why, so that I can think about what YOU would do when I can’t sleep and wonder if THAT is a better choice.
1) An oldie but goodie. Sam’s favorite Yo Gabba Gabba episode is the Superhero one with Devo, and I’ve seen it no fewer than five hundred times, no exaggeration. Hey! Let’s play! SUPER-HEEROOOES!
OK, so you get a superpower. Just one. What is it?
I choose to freeze time. What CAN’T you do with freezing time? Nothing! You have alibis! You just freeze time, get a nap, finish your deadline, steal funds from Bernie Madoff, rob a bank, whatever! Whatever! Be Robin Hood! IS FULL OF ALL KINDS OF POSSIBILITIES.
Second choice: control the weather like Halle Berry in the X-Men. I like the idea of making it snow with cloudy eyes myself. Will be snowy mystery? Who made that snow? IN JULY? If it can be localized, even better! Make it snow on my NEIGHBOR’S house, not mine, especially since I clean up ten tons of her dog’s shit every day. And if there are forest fires somewhere? FIRE UP THE OLD RAINMAKER.
2) This is less, uhhh, happy, and I don’t mean this to make LIGHT of the situation, but this is where our thought process led us: Adam and I discussed the whole Japan nuclear meltdown possibility, which led to us wondering if a PERSON had to be at the controls to cool everything down, and if it would come down to some Armageddon-like situation (the movie, that is), with the government offering the hero’s family an astronomical sum for him or her to walk in their and have his/her face melted off, but save the world, or at least JAPAN. This led him to say he would consider it, because he’s just like that, and this also led to me clutching his arm all, DON’T LEAVE USSSSSS! and seriously, would ANY of you consider such a thing, because I DO NOT THINK I COULD. I believe I am very selfish and love my family too much, and that’s just if it were ME. Take my husband? I RIP YOUR FACE TO SHREDS! GET AWAY! GET AWAY! I KILL YOU FIRST!
See? Not happy. I’m sure THAT will keep me up at night, if Stephen King’s Bag of Bones doesn’t already. (SO GOOD. SO SCARY.)
Happy Monday! On that, um, happy thought. (THINK ABOUT THE SUPERHERO POWERS INSTEAD!)
Entry Filed under: Adam,General jackassery,Gettin' thinky with it,Nuttin',The anxious anxiety
19 Comments Add your own
1. Melissa H | March 13th, 2011 at 9:39 pm
I was thinking the SAME thing about Japan (seems sort of odd/lame/pathetic considering how many lives have already been lost). I personally would NOT want to “take one for the team” so to speak. Who would, really?
As for super heroes I always hear the TAL version of flight v invisibility and I pick flight (free airline!) but haven’t considered other powers. Will have to do so now. Hmmm
2. jonniker | March 13th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Ooh, Melissa, in that case, I go invisibility, I think. Sneak on a plane!
3. Elsha | March 13th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
I definitely need the ability to freeze time. That would be the best.
4. Sundry | March 13th, 2011 at 10:44 pm
Did you ever by chance read “The Fermata” by detail-observer and all around dirty-bird Nicholson Baker, where the protagonist can freeze time and uses it to totally porn out on frozen women? Superpower SQUANDERED.
5. Veronica | March 13th, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Mine would be a tossup between flight or invisibility – although weather control would be great too.
6. SwingCheese | March 13th, 2011 at 11:31 pm
I would choose either being able to teleport (like Paige in Charmed) or being able to manipulate atoms and thus being able to move through walls (like Kitty Pryde in X-Men).
7. jonniker | March 13th, 2011 at 11:34 pm
Oh dude, Paige’s teleportation skills were SUB PAR at best. Brief! And she left part of her body behind like some weird shell, all vulnerable!
No. You could improve on that.
8. Ginger | March 13th, 2011 at 11:49 pm
Oooh, teleportation! No commute? No 5 hour flights to visit family? That sounds awesome. But freezing time is tempting too…freeze a tantrum while mommy goes and takes a nap? Ooh! Tempting.
Also, I’m entirely too selfish to offer myself up. God forbid the world ever rests on my unselfish offering of myself (or my family. GAH!).
9. Hannah Christine | March 14th, 2011 at 1:44 am
No, Prue was the one with the lame astral projection power, Paige’s teleportation was good, if a little sparkly. But her lipstick was always terrible.
10. Becky | March 14th, 2011 at 8:39 am
I would choose teleportation too. I wish for that so often, it’s not even funny. Plus; crabby toddler at the store? Don’t worry about strapping him into a car seat to go home (and listening to screaming the whole way); just teleport right to his crib and put him down for that much needed nap.
I’ve been wondering about the same thing re: Japan. I don’t think I could do it either, and I can tell you right now Ryan wouldn’t be doing it (not necessarily because he wouldn’t choose to-I don’t know that-but I wouldn’t let him. I think, though, that if there was ever anything scientists should program a robot to do it is this kind of thing. Seriously. I heard on NPR that the people evacuating everyone in a 12 mile radius were wearing gas masks, even. I can’t imagine what they would want you to wear to actually go in the building.
Ugh. Poor Japan.
11. jonniker | March 14th, 2011 at 8:49 am
HAHAHA, Hannah, I can’t believe I mixed up Prue and Paige. I should be embarrassed.
12. Nimble | March 14th, 2011 at 9:36 am
I have a very mundane super power that I long ago decided I would choose: the ability to see lost objects. Not flashy but oh so satisfying.
I might have offered myself up as a pre spouse and parent person. I was often lonely and flirted with martyrdom as a young adult. But I would be worried that I couldn’t get the job done. How lousy would it be to die and fail!
13. Meghan | March 14th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Superhero power: Teleportation, for sure.
Whenever I wake up at 3 a.m. I worry about peak oil and climate change. Then I get scared and wake my husband up, and he just pats my back and tells me to fall back to sleep.
14. jive turkey | March 14th, 2011 at 1:00 pm
I want to be able to channel Julia Sugarbaker/Claire Huxtable whenever I need to be assertive, instead of my two current defaults (1. roll over and take it like a bitch, 2. fly off the handle. I’m charming!).
But if we’re really FOR REAL talking superpowers? I want the ability to heal people — physically and mentally.
15. SwingCheese | March 14th, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I’m trying to remember what it was called, because I don’t think it was called teleportation. It was something only the white lighters could do, which is why Leo was rendered unnecessary by Paige and got very, very whiny in the last few seasons. And very unsexy. Or maybe that was just me.
Also: agreed. Prue’s astral projection ability was a total let down. Not good at all. And that was unfortunate, because her telekinesis ability was pretty cool. If I were Phoebe, I’d be a little pissy about that fact that my sisters all had WAY cooler powers.
16. Ginger | March 14th, 2011 at 11:54 pm
Orbing. That was the white lighter power (ooh, sparkles!).
Sometimes I really miss that show.
17. Amy | March 15th, 2011 at 7:29 am
I also waver between teleportation and invisibility, but mostly wanted to say that Bag of Bones scared the ever-living shit out of me. It’s so good!
18. SwingCheese | March 15th, 2011 at 10:07 am
Ginger – Orbing! Yes! Thank you!
I miss that show, too. And we don’t have cable, so I can’t even catch reruns
19. Katy | March 15th, 2011 at 10:20 pm
No. Money is overrated.
When I can’t sleep, I:
a) imagine I’m swimming laps. I swam competitively and can perfectly picture the rhythm of the laps and the quiet of being underwater.
b) imagine I’m jumping on a trampoline.
That’s what works for me.
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