Why I Am
April 6th, 2011
Invariably, there comes a time when I am irritated with EVERYTHING and feeling rather maudlin and hopeless. I start thinking how awful everything is! Everything! But see, it all comes INDIVIDUALLY, so I don’t see that I am feeling this way about everything, I only see my irritations in isolation. So, for example, I will spend several hours bemoaning the fact that I miss Jennie and life is unfair and awful because I don’t have a nanny at my beck and call, or have Sam in daycare so that I can just whip off to see her every weekend. And then I get irrationally pissed off at her because she lives in Texas, and why so selfish, Jennie? What’s wrong with Boston?
And then she goes and spends the weekend with Elizabeth, who I have loved for years and never met (!) and I am a WELL OF DESPAIR. Then I also apply this to Lawyerish, and I think about how her husband hates the Red Sox, and thus would never move to Boston, and I want to burn piles of tiny bespectacled dolls in Yankee hats in effigy, and not in a good-natured way. And then I feel ridiculous, because I love Joe, and why am I burning Joe Dolls?
All this is before we’ve even GOTTEN to Kate, who used to live ten minutes from here, but now lives in Vermont, and it’s BULLSHIT. I AM FUMING.
In isolation, this seems understandable — I miss my FRIENDS, right? But then a day or so — or say, HOURS — later, I start brooding over something else, and I find myself slamming the dishes around the kitchen, because do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? Why is my husband being so LAZY? Why AM I DEALING WITH EVERYTHING?
Then! Then later! I find myself getting paranoid about yet another thing, like whether I said the wrong thing or is that song about ME, CARLY? WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME? And then! I talk to a friend who works full-time, and I find myself SEETHING WITH JEALOUSY over an upcoming business trip she has! TO CLEVELAND. And I am almost in tears because I WILL NEVER GO TO CLEVELAND BY MYSELF.
(Note: I have never wanted to go to Cleveland by myself. Oh, and my husband does a SHITLOAD around the house, to the point where he tells me I unload the dishwasher wrong and he’d RATHER I DIDN’T DO IT AT ALL.)
And then I look at the calendar and see that I’m on, say, DAY 27 up in this piece and everything is illuminated.
***
What does come out of this that is valid is that sometimes I DO get frustrated with my primary job — that of being a mom and, uhh, household-running-type person (I WILL NOT SAY HOMEMAKER). I am fortunate — thrilled, even — that I still freelance, but that rarely comprises the bulk of my day, and sometimes it is exhausting to have no real measurement for success, you know? I don’t even know what my performance review would include, in terms of parameters. Some ideas:
1) How many days has it been since you put your daughter in time-out?
2) Did she eat anything besides cheese today?
3) Does she regularly share her toys? (Yes, even Brobee.)
4) If a stranger took a broom to your floors, exactly how much dust would they kick up?
5) On average, how many days a week does your family have clean underwear? Do they have their choice of socks?
6) Rate your toilets’ cleanliness. Are they generally Spotless, Very Clean, Clean, Passably Clean or Not Clean At All?
You see how this could be a bit … discouraging, yes? The success or failure of my day is largely out of my control, because if she’s in a bad mood, there is no sharing and there are many time-outs. If she doesn’t nap, my floors languish in dirty piles and Adam has no clean underwear, OR he has to do the laundry himself, which is not something I enjoy, because then *I* can’t find my clothes and then I’m bethonged and unhappy and … well, it’s obvious where a level of FUTILE DISSATISFACTION could rear its ugly head in moments of hormonal duress, yes?
Bah, never mind. I’m happy with my life, but there are moments. MOMENTS. MOMENTS WHERE I WANT TO GO TO CLEVELAND.
*Dave Matthews Band
Entry Filed under: All Riled Up,Beeber McSteebs
48 Comments Add your own
1. mar | April 6th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
I would totally meet you in Cleveland right now. Because seriously, this week? Aghh!
And tomorrow is the 8 hour surgery for my FIL. Extra aghh-inducing!
Anyway, I won’t judge your floors or laundry, not one bit!
2. jonniker | April 6th, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Oh Mar. I will be thinking of your family. Much love.
3. Elizabeth | April 6th, 2011 at 10:00 pm
I am feeling very pissed off as well about the whole Jennie in Texas, Jonna in Boston situation and I ALSO just picked a fight with my husband about how he NEVER! DOES! ANYTHING! and I think I will go eat chocolate chips and drink gin.
4. Lynnette | April 6th, 2011 at 10:07 pm
Bethonged! Ha! To paraphrase Charlton Heston, (what? too soon?), you’ll pry my bikini briefs from my cold, dead hands!
I also refuse to say “homemaker.” I will gladly say stay-at-home-mom, but homemaker implies a level of house care I am nowhere near achieving. I already don’t get paid to get up at 5:45 every damn morning, so to add an expectation of that sort would just make me feel like a failure at a job for which no one pays me, nor gives me an annual review.
5. Elsha | April 6th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
I think it’s so funny that you won’t say “homemaker” because that’s the label I most identify with but I rarely use it because it makes other people look at me a little funny. But I feel like stay at home mom means I’m defined by my kids and housewife means I’m defined by my husband. This does not in any way imply that my household is under control
Also, seriously? Does anyone go days without putting a two year old in time out? I think I’d have to count in hours.
6. jonniker | April 6th, 2011 at 10:42 pm
God I KNOW, Elsha, because it’s TRUE. It’s an ACCURATE DESCRIPTOR. I DO do everything around here, mostly, and I LIKE IT THAT WAY. I think the term was ruined by one too many plump Wheel of Fortune contestants sporting pageboys and polyester twinsets.
7. Erin | April 6th, 2011 at 10:46 pm
I adore this post, especially the performance review questions. I had a day like that on Monday. I ended up contemplating joining the circus or the Marines so that I could get a full night’s sleep and not have to make anyone’s dinner, but then I realized both would be way too much work and completely unsuited to my personality. Fortunately, the sun came out on Tuesday and I didn’t hate everything any more.
8. Laurie | April 6th, 2011 at 10:57 pm
I got angsty on Friday about Sarah living half an hour away and never (NEVER! Which is not true at all, and never mind the constant email and chat etc., but oh well) seeing her and so she came and had lunch with me and I felt better. I’m so grateful that we can do this and when I think about moving to a warmer, cheaper place I know I’d miss it so much and it gives me pause. We need our friends, just do.
I cycle through approximately five (ten on a bad day) Cleveland moments a day. I guess the good news is it keeps me on my toes.
9. Marie Green | April 6th, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Oh god yes, to all of this. And THEN I sometimes think of my “performance review” in terms of the KIND OF PEOPLE that my children are turning out to be. Say, when someone stops me in the elementary school hallway to tell my how sweet or “good” or whatever my girls are, and I’m standing there patting myself on the back. And THEN I think how yes, in PART that is true; I’ve done a good job raising them into well-adjusted kids. HOWEVER, it’s also a little twisted to think of THEIR PERSONALITY TRAITS as my successes and/or failures. I mean, I want them to just be free to be… themselves, ya know? Without this string attached to MY job in their lives. And the more they grow up, the more I realize that they simple are who they are, and they HAVE BEEN that person ALL ALONG. So even if I DO want to pat myself on my back over it… well, I mean, I can’t hardly take credit for WHO THEY INHERENTLY ARE, ya know? Other than DNA, that is.
Am I even making any sense? Doubtful. I need to go to bed.
10. Lara | April 6th, 2011 at 11:17 pm
Oh man, the first part of this post is the exact day I had. EVERYTHING was difficult at work and the house was a MESS and Andrew didn’t have time to do HIS house stuff (so I had to) and, and, and, EVERYTHING and then, oh. Hello, friend. Haven’t seen you in about a month. GOD.
I am 41 years old. 41! Why haven’t I figured this pattern out yet? Why can’t I say “Lara. Really? REALLY?”
At my worst point today, when someone I work with emailed a bunch of people stating something I said was “ludicrous” and I was thisclose to punching him in the neck, my most beloved co-worked told the offender he needed to “get off [his] high horse” and I laughed until I cried and everything seemed OK again.
I will meet you in Cleveland any day.
11. Jennie | April 6th, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Texas is a whore.
(I miss you all the fucking time.)
12. Jessica | April 7th, 2011 at 12:03 am
I just got back from a weekend alone in, uh, Cleveland. No lie! Wedding for a friend and the first time I was away from my toddler. I loved it! Just what I needed. I get terribly lonely, as most of my friends live close to Ohio and I’m in CO with a family and work and I hardly have any close friends nearby. I seriously dream about moving away to be close to them!
13. Megan | April 7th, 2011 at 6:45 am
Cleveland is not that bad! Its pretty nice.
-From someone born and bred in Millis.
Hope you feel better, I have to think SAHM-hood is terribly difficult.
14. Kate | April 7th, 2011 at 8:19 am
I have been in such a mood for almost 2 months now. Why did we ever leave Massachusetts? All of our friends are there! I had great work connections there! We loved our little house!
I used the phrase “my life is crumbling around me.” And then, after I said that, I realized something. About the time that I’d started feeling so awful, I had started weaning Jacob. He nursed for the last time a week and a half ago and, in that time, I have felt hopeless and exhausted. Gee, might there be a connection?
Sure enough, weaning can bring on a depression similar to post-partum depression. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to realize it was HORMONES and not, actually, my life.
I am still pissed off that we don’t live 10 minutes apart, however.
Love you and miss you…
15. Devan | April 7th, 2011 at 9:00 am
This post is perfect. I mean, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, but I TOTALLY get it.
16. Gaby | April 7th, 2011 at 9:06 am
Oh, man, yes to this post. I often find myself slamming things around, grumbling about how far away I am from family and friends (3 hours to my family; no friends in this town), how I hate my job, hate needing daycare, hate feeling stuck.
My day job lacks defined structure or accomplishment, and it makes me want to punch someone in the knee. I spend 8+ hours a day in front of a computer, and the only real work accomplished might be a fixed typo to a web page. Wow. Awesome.
I get more from sewing and embroidery because at least I can SEE what I’ve done. If only I can bump that into a job that equals my pay from my job, and I’ll be set. Well, set until I find the next thing to complain about
17. Lawyerish | April 7th, 2011 at 9:11 am
Bah! HAHAHA!
See, my perspective is that ADAM is the one keeping us apart. ADAM. Because clearly his job is more mobile than ours (since I have known you, he has worked in THREE DIFFERENT STATES). But I had not thought of burning Adam dolls in effigy, so you win points for creativity.
I miss you, too. It sucks the big one that you don’t live next door. And this is true for far too many of my friends. Geography can go ahead and bite me.
Also, this sounds very weird, but the thought of possibly having a (very occasional) business trip is one of the things that made me look forward to going back to work after maternity leave. Because even though it hasn’t happened and may never happen, there is a POSSIBILITY that I could have an expenses-paid trip to some random place where I could sleep in a hotel bed and order room service and be ALONE ALONE ALONE, even just for one night. This, despite the fact that actually having to GO on such a trip would fill me with baby-missing woe and panic.
(Cleveland!)
18. Joe | April 7th, 2011 at 10:11 am
Never say never, Chirky. I’m finding that, as I grow older and more tired, I don’t have the same type of passion for sports which would cause me to make major life decisions based on the same immature “hatreds” of my youth. In fact, spending the rest of my life surrounded by Red Sox fans (shudder) wouldn’t be so bad, if it would mean that Sam and Felicity could grow up together and we could all spend summer evenings together, the kids chasing fireflies, the b-bq blazing, Adam and I listening to a ballgame on the radio while having a few (too many) beers, you and Meredith, uh, talking about blogging or whatever. Putting that 1950′s daydream aside for a moment, as I grow older I’ve also become more crotchety about the weather, so if we were ever to move, I’d want a significant weather upgrade, which, sadly, Boston can’t provide. But hey, you never know.
P.S. I’m happy to note, however, that the Red Sox are currently 0-5….
19. Mary | April 7th, 2011 at 10:32 am
I like the term “Household Manager”. As in, I am the management, please report to me.
20. kakaty | April 7th, 2011 at 10:40 am
Come to Cleveland! Come by yourself or bring Sam! We’ll have wine and uh… eat perogies and watch the Indians kick the Red Sox butt (it’s likely our only wins for the season, I had to say it).
I have a smidge of idea of where you are coming from because when I stay at home with the kids during a daycare/school closure I get dish-slammy and agitated for all the same reasons. I mean, I get like that when I’m working all day, too but I always feel like I should be getting MORE done when I’m at home and it actaully seems to be less and are you freaking kidding me that Mark left crumbs all over the counter after breakfast?!?!
I must say that after over a year without work travel (wait, I take that back – I had to travel right after maternity leave was over but I was still nursing and had to take the baby with me, so that was fun) I just got a green light to go to Baltimore for 2 days October and OMFG I can’t wait!
21. Life of a Doctor's Wife | April 7th, 2011 at 10:55 am
Please come to Cleveland. I would take you to all the Cleveland attractions (once I find some.) and make you cookies.
I felt this post so hard – it’s so true, how all the irritations and tiny failures (I FORGOT to wash the whites and my husband had no undershirt – FAIL) all tumble on top of one another until you’re buried. BURIED. And there is really nothing quite so distasteful as being buried under dirty t-shirts and socks and deadlines and unwashed dishes and an empty fridge and people who are passive aggressive via email.
22. Kate | April 7th, 2011 at 11:38 am
How about “Domestic Engineer”?? I like the above “Household Management” too.
And as far as your performance review, I think the results and the measurement should be measured by the bond you have with Sam. How happy, how confident, how well-adjusted she is.
I mean, marketing and sales and medicine and stuff are all well and good, but for Pete’s sake, the job of RAISING/TEACHING/SUSTAINING a person? Infinitely more demanding. As in, no days off. (see also: Cleveland).
23. Julie | April 7th, 2011 at 1:08 pm
I am right there with you.
Meet you in Cleveland.
24. Nothing But Bonfires | April 7th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Next time I have a business trip to Cleveland, I’m bringing you.
25. SwingCheese | April 7th, 2011 at 7:38 pm
YES! I attended a job fair a few days ago because I CANNOT stay at home for another school year without some sort of outside, professional contact. I cannot. I will not. I’m not suited to be a full-time “homemaker”. And I’m pretty sure that the title of “homemaker” would be revoked anyway, as my rug is practically crunchy since I haven’t vacuumed today, and the kitchen is liberally decorated with beer bottles (as my husband has friends over) and dirty dishes (as I am lazy). Also: I picked a fight with my husband today over laundry. Which I love doing and have always done, ever since we moved in together 9 years ago. I completely understand.
26. Amy {Frugan} | April 8th, 2011 at 6:34 am
Oh man. I just took your performance review and totally got demoted.
I have a hard time not judging my success as a mom or a “project-manager of home” by my daughter’s mood/behavior. Like I am only a real success when she is bubbly and happy, but that’s crazy! She’s two. She is moody!
Also, woah, PMS got taken to another level after giving birth. I always know it’s about that time when I burst into tears for something dumb.
27. laura | April 8th, 2011 at 8:43 am
i think you just pulled that entire post out of my mind!
28. Lindsay | April 8th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
i often pick my pants based on the available sock situation.
And Cleveland is the coolest!
29. Maggy | April 8th, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Dude, I live in Cleveland. Of course, my work trips take me to the sixth floor conference room, you know, down the hall from where I already work. Hmm, I prefer the term homemaker, in that my mere presence in the home improves it for the other people who live there. And my criterion for performance review: are the children alive at the end of the day? Then I’m doing my job.
30. Maggy | April 8th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Also, I too forget how to count every month or so. You’d think I’d learn, seeing as I hit puberty twenty-some years ago. Yeah. Come to Cleveland! My house is dog and kid friendly.
31. Jen | April 8th, 2011 at 10:11 pm
LOL at the Day 27 realization. OH I HAVE BEEN THERE. ha
I totally failed that performance review, by the way. I am so fired.
32. Kris Taylor | April 9th, 2011 at 9:00 am
Ok, so hubby and I do not have kids, though we do have 4 dogs and I serve as “House manager” in our relationship. Even without kids, it happens to me too, i.e. I forget how to count (Im 43 years old, been doing this quite a while now, why cant i remember)…no wonder why I got all ” Why can’t you ever put dishes *in* the sink, why do you leave EVERYHING on the counter??” at my other half this morning. UGH!!!!
33. Court | April 9th, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Phew—I am glad I am not the only one who feels so freaking drained all the time. I am not in your boat exactly (add a few others to my list and take a few off). My job is KILLING me and I miss Jennie too (we were BFFs in HS and I just saw her last week and I already miss her). Thank you for your honesty. You are NOT complaining you are being REAL!! Hellooooo world, life is not a piece of cake
We are all here to pick eachother up when life gets us down. I know we don’t know eachother (but if you like Jennie, I am sure we could be BFFs too) but if you need help to get back up, let me know 
34. sarawr | April 9th, 2011 at 11:40 pm
PREACH IT, SISTER. Oh, wait, you just did.
I keep thinking this is such a 1950s way to feel and then I think that at least if it were 1955 I would have Miltown and a debonair behatted husband. Instead I just have middling clean floors, a kid who is awesome but sometimes NEEDS TO GO PLAY AND LET MOMMY DO THE DISHES FOR THE LOVE OF MONKEYS, and a weird sense that everyone else is doing something else and also doing it better. That, and the random moments of total Cleveland envy.
(Not literally Cleveland, I must say. That one’s all you. But, you know.)
35. Sourire11 | April 10th, 2011 at 6:47 am
I totally, totally understand. Well put.
And if you ever literally want to come to Cleveland you’re welcome to stay here!
36. LizScott | April 10th, 2011 at 3:29 pm
When I’m not traveling for work, I work from home.
When I go too long w/o trips (usually longer than two weeks) I GO BATSHIT CRAZY. I need the one or two nights in a hotel room, with daily interaction with coworkers and not talking about what’s for dinner or is the laundry ready to be switched or hey does the dog need to go out? for a few days. And then after that, I’m ready to go back home and chill out for a bit. In some ways, it’s the best of both worlds – plenty of time at home to nest and run my little world the best way I know how, and then pockets of time when I get to use that other part of my mind and not have to wash the fucking dinner dishes.
37. Jean S Scott | April 11th, 2011 at 11:41 am
I don’t know your friends, or anything about Boston or Cleveland or Vermont, but I do know hormones and cabin fever and I-AM-SO-SICK-OF-CLEANING-OTHER-PEOPLES-SHIT Syndrome that your post resonated with me. i found that working out like a demon or getting good and drunk helped me over come it.
Good luck and I hope you get to see your friends more often.
38. Sarah | April 11th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Ugh. I so know what you mean about a whole bunch of little (or, sometimes, major) annoyances suddenly adding up to absolute WOE… that is eventually explained by hormones and the like. How it is an epiphany every month, I don’t know – you’d think we ‘d get used to it, right? PS. Sam is awesome (like her Momma) and makes me wish I still was a college student at Wellesley so I could offer baby-sitting services. And maybe steal writing tips and life lessons from her hilarious, honest momma.
39. Danell | April 11th, 2011 at 8:09 pm
I really want to hug you.
And I don’t know Jennie, but damn, after reading this and the comments, I’m sort of starting to miss her, too. =)
And Maggy’s comment just made my day.
40. SwingCheese | April 12th, 2011 at 8:01 am
Also, FWIW: I spent some time trying to do freelance work from home, and I’ve read several of the smartpop series’ and I am very envious of you and your job! (Also: I love your TB essay, as it is spot. on., and I enjoy your writing in general.) So it may not be glamorous Cleveland, but I have found myself being green-eyed at your writing income
41. Zoot | April 12th, 2011 at 12:58 pm
The hardest thing when I was a SAHM was the lack of validation for the work I did. No one praised me for meeting the deadline (dinner before 6pm! Baths in time for bed! Laundry done before piles become sentient beings!) or quota or anything. There was no concrete way for me or anyone else to recognize work being done. I found it very upsetting.
42. nonsoccermom | April 12th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Yes, yes, yes. I have been feeling this way SO MUCH lately. Things are all DOOM! DESPAIR! I will never get anything done and have a fun life again! Picking fights with my husband! Annoyed by my kids, cat, dog and house in general! And then I realize what day it is and oh. Funny what a difference a couple days can make.
43. cheryl | April 12th, 2011 at 6:26 pm
ohhhh, I looooved this.
44. mbt men's sandals | April 13th, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Picking fights with my husband! Annoyed by my kids, cat, dog and house in general! And then I realize what day it is and oh. Funny what a difference a couple days can make.
45. julie | April 15th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
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