On The Floor
April 27th, 2011
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sitting here wondering how to keep myself from dancing until the world ends. Or — OR! — waving my drink in the air and getting sick on the floor! In IBIZA!
Clearly I’ve been listening to too much Kiss 108 (the Young People’s radio station here in Boston), because I just can’t stop marveling at the number of songs that imply that we all live to dance and — AND! — harass the DJ until they put our song on. Or maybe that was just Madonna in “Music.” I can’t remember.
Either way, I am shocked and a wee bit embarrassed by my reaction when Jennifer Lopez and/or Britney Spears start singing about getting wasted, rubbing up on dudes and dancing on the floor until their tatas fall off. I just … well, I go all, WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN? And also, last time I checked, Brit-Brit, you were on a family vacation to the most mundane of destinations: the Grand Canyon. Were you in an RV, hmmm? And JENNIFER! Good sweet GRIEF, your kids are THREE. And you’re 42! I’m all for dancing, but maybe curb the clubbing to a reasonable hour?
This sounded a lot less dowdy when it was just in my head. I won’t even bother to discuss my feelings on Flo Rida’s “Club Can’t Handle Me,” where he talks about “zoning out” and somehow making everyone else jellus of his dance moves, then.
Speaking of children (eh?), I talked to a nurse at my doctor’s office today, and reached Maximum Frustration Level when she tried to say that my (totally justified) reaction to something was MY HORMONES. “Oh honey. It’s probably just HORMONES.” I just … you know, there’s really no appropriate time to suggest that it’s a woman’s HORMONES that are making her react a certain way. Especially someone like me, who is basically walking around in a state of PTSD when it comes to health issues (OK ANY ISSUES) after the year I’ve had, WHICH SHE KNOWS ABOUT, HA HA, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY “STRESS HORMONES” WITH YOU, CRAZY LADY.
(Do I sound sane there? Or just hopped up on hormones?)
What killed me, however, was that just before I replied, my center of gravity shifted from Chatty Nice Patient Jonna to Enraged Jonna, and at the precise moment the shift happened, Sam’s eyes got very wide and she warned, “UH OH! UH OH!” like some kind of tsunami detector. Mama’s pissed, and she knows it.
See, nurse? My KID knows when I’m about to get serious up in here, so perhaps you want to save the hormone talk for SOMEONE ELSE. Or actually, no one. No one deserves to be invalidated in such a totally dismissive way, and GOD, WHO HIRED YOU, NURSE?
Meanwhile, have I TOLD you guys that I’m driving a Mercury Grand Marquis, because my tree-smashed car is STILL not repaired? And that it’s been … let’s see, TWENTY SEVEN DAYS?
Do you know what a Grand Marquis looks like? No?
Yessss. Oh, I’m sure it doesn’t seem so bad from that angle, but it’s a boat, and I have yet to park it straight. Oh, and it doesn’t have automatic locks, and it ONLY has a key entry on the driver’s side, which means every time I get in or out, I have to haul EVERYTHING to the driver’s side (including Sam, if we’re in a parking lot), open the door, then unlock all the doors, THEN go back to the other doors. Also: NO CUP HOLDERS. Oh, and the trunk is key-accessible only, which makes grocery shopping more of a workout than is necessary. And! AND! it has NEW JERSEY plates, which is basically the worst thing you can have in Massachusetts. This car could get me KILLED in a MAFIA TURF WAR, for chrissake. I WANT MY HONDA BACK, MY SWEET GOD.
Upside: it’s a smooth ride, and I am shamed to admit I was doing 80 on the Pike today and didn’t even notice, but like the old lady I am, I slowed it down right quick. Like buttah, you Marquis de Minx.
(PS, I was driving to see Nic, one of my longtime internet besties, for the first time. And it was great. Do you know what it’s like to finally meet someone you talk to at LEAST four times a DAY? IT IS AWESOME. Who cares if Sam pooped in her hotel room? OH GOD.)
Have a great Thursday.
*Jennifer Lopez featuring the horribly named PIT BULL. PIT BULL. First of all, the word ‘pit’ is disgusting and reminds me of ACNE BITS. And then BULL? Really? No, I don’t think about the dog, I think about an ACNE-PITTED BULL. GROSS.
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Boston!,Miscarriage,The anxious anxiety,Things that suck
25 Comments Add your own
1. A'Dell | April 27th, 2011 at 9:28 pm
How does a NURSE of all people come up with that line? I mean, does she realize that the people she’s seeing might actually have real hormonal issues that are the cause of today’s visit and that it’s just…inappropriate in about a thousand different ways??? AGHHH, that makes me crazy.
2. Sahara | April 27th, 2011 at 11:28 pm
YES. And would Mr. Worldwide and T-Pain and Lil John *PUH-LEASE* stop saying their names in every damned song?? I mean, I know I KNOW!–If they say it every time then even *I* will know who they are and they will be super big-time celebrities but really? You sound like self-aggrandizing d-bags.
3. Suebob | April 27th, 2011 at 11:29 pm
I totally get you with the Grand Marquis. I drove Mom’s 1994 Lincoln Continental for 10 days and the two main things that pissed me off were the lack of automatic locks and the lack of working cup holders. It was so irritating that I jumped in and bought a car I didn’t really want, a car that I am now stuck with forever and ever. Gah.
4. Carla Hinkle | April 28th, 2011 at 12:19 am
My 4 year old’s favorite song used to be “Club Can’t Handle Me.” Until it was recently supplanted by HyperCrush’s “Kick Us Out,” also a song about dancing et al. I have to admit I encourage the Young People’s Music because I can’t, I just CAN’T listen to any more kids’ music. Sometimes I drive around in my Middle Aged Suburban Lady Car with the kids in back blasting dance music and I know, I KNOW I look ridiculous but DON’T YOU STOP MAMA GETTING HER GROOVE ON.
5. Brenna | April 28th, 2011 at 12:50 am
Aww, she’s like your very own Lost In Space robot!
“Danger, Insensitive Nurse, Danger!”
6. drhoctor2 | April 28th, 2011 at 3:26 am
I’m with Carla. I got to pop lock and DROP it when I vaccum to the everlasting humiliation of my kids. Which makes my dancing all the more fun I was just talking to one of my guys about the ..talk to the DJ songs..we listed a bunch actually. Almost enough for a genre. (Can I get a knuckle bump for ..Please, Mister, please, don’t play B-17 ? ) I readily confess to having an ” if it’s by Madonna, I can DANCE to it, babies!! attitude. My nursing home years are gonna be spectacular.
Inappropriate medical personnel. I hope you ripped her head off. Metaphorically.
7. Swistle | April 28th, 2011 at 7:38 am
I think I’ve reached my lifetime limit of being instructed to put my hands in the air.
8. Christine | April 28th, 2011 at 8:17 am
I love that Sam knows when you’ve lost your cool.
But mostly I didn’t know that they still made the Grand Marquis. Who knew?
9. Kris Taylor | April 28th, 2011 at 8:51 am
I’m sorry but Brenna’s comment made me bust out laughing.
In sort of related reaction, my dogs (hey! I don’t have kids!) know when I have reached the “going to let you run in traffic” point just by the yell “Do you want to make me mad? *insert cabinent door slam here*. The Old English Bulldog usually comes running to try and make nice and give me kisses. So, kids, dogs, smarter than the average bear I suppose.
10. Caitlin | April 28th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Oh Jonna. I just love you. This might be my favorite post of yours ever. (I…think I have said that before BUT YOU JUST KEEP PRODUCING.)
And Swistle – HAHAHHAAA
11. Shannon | April 28th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
I am sorry the nurse was so inappropriate.
I do not have kids either but my dog definitely knows to run and hide in his cage or under a table just by the sound of my yells.
12. mar | April 28th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Aghh, Swistle! Haha!
I also just pointed out to MIL that our dog will hide or vacate a room when an explosion is impending.
13. Ris | April 28th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Call me lame and old but even when I was in college and the supposed target audience for these ridiculous songs, I remember thinking “really? to the window, to the where? sweat dripped down your what? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds if you think about it for a second?” I was a lot of fun.
14. jive turkey | April 28th, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I can’t believe that car doesn’t have cup holders. Where are you supposed to put your senior-discounted cup of McDonald’s coffee? WHERE?
(My 72-year-old FIL rinses out and reuses his McD’s cup for weeks. WEEKS.)
15. Jessica | April 28th, 2011 at 2:48 pm
It sometimes infuriates me the things people can get away with and not get fired. I bet that nurse is condescending all the time.
16. TwoBusy | April 28th, 2011 at 2:56 pm
So… my takeaway here is “Enraged Jonna in a Mercury Marquis doing 80 on the Pike with Sam pooping in a non-cupholder.”
Note to self: stay off the Pike for a while.
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18. Life of a Doctor's Wife | April 28th, 2011 at 6:23 pm
I think the unlocking thing would drive me into a murderous rage. (What? Over-reaction?) But not more so than dealing with such a condescending nurse. GAH. Not okay.
19. nonsoccermom | April 28th, 2011 at 8:53 pm
I laughed out loud at Sam the Anger Detector. That’s awesome!
The Grand Marquis, not so much.
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23. Maggy | May 1st, 2011 at 9:40 pm
I still maintain that my labor and delivery nurse said, as she entered my room for the first time, “So, you know you’re having a boy or you don’t know you’re having a boy?” I said, “It’s either a boy or a girl.” We hadn’t found out, by choice. (My sister tells me the nurse didn’t say it.) I was also annoyed at the nurse a moment later, when she told me I was safe and didn’t need to make noise. Yeah, I get that I’m safe. I’m also working really hard here, and I’m going to make some noise. For the record, I’m a nurse, and I try to keep my comments helpful, or at least not offensive.
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