62 Comments Add your own

• 1. Melissa H  |  April 28th, 2011 at 9:31 pm

  Oh yes. As someone who is (finally!) pregnant with #2 after suffering from secondary infertility I know exactly what you’re talking about. Yes, one is wonderful but when you want another one you know exactly what you’re missing out on. On the up side I will say that this isn’t the kid spacing we would have chosen since conception took so long but I think it’s going to turn out to be surprisingly perfect for our family so, for us, it seems it did all work out.

• 2. Michelle  |  April 28th, 2011 at 9:49 pm

  Yes. This exactly. I just wrote about the same thing earlier this week.

• 3. Elsha  |  April 28th, 2011 at 10:15 pm

  Totally.

• 4. TwoBusy  |  April 28th, 2011 at 10:18 pm

  Aw, J. This was so sweet and sad. And angry.

  A whole lotta stuff all bundled together, I guess.

• 5. velocibadgergirl  |  April 28th, 2011 at 10:30 pm

  This is a really great post.

• 6. Angella  |  April 28th, 2011 at 10:34 pm

  Amen.

  I have a friend who is childless by choice and gets so many comments from people about how SAD they are for her.

  My very first pregnancy ended in a baby with no heartbeat and I have been so (very) blessed with three perfectly healthy children but it doesn’t mean that when I talk about that first baby (like now) that I don’t get teary.

  On the flip side, I get comments from people who have chosen to have one child (yay!) who make judgments about me choosing to have three.

  Can’t we all do what we want, or TRY to do what we want, and all just be happy for each other?

  There is no such thing as “Perfect.” Just “Perfect for ME.”

• 7. Jennie  |  April 28th, 2011 at 10:56 pm

  Yep. All true. Nodding along. Yes yes yes.

  (Thank you for that third-to-last paragraph.)

• 8. jonniker  |  April 28th, 2011 at 11:03 pm

  Mmm, Angella, you bring up a most excellent point in that NONE is also an acceptable answer and NO, it’s kind of not okay to discuss THAT with a person who is CBC without the kind of relationship where it is OKAY to do so and only in a NON-JUDGMENTAL way. Same as any other family choices.

• 9. Lippy  |  April 28th, 2011 at 11:04 pm

  So, so well written. My brother and sister in law are trying to have a second. The went with ivf for their first. They got pregnant the second time and miscarried and are starting over again. And they keep hearing they should adopt. Grrr every one gets to build their family the way they want. It is not a community effort. I am so frustrated for them.

• 10. Carla Hinkle  |  April 29th, 2011 at 12:33 am

  Wanting a child that is taking its time in arriving — whether your first or your tenth — is such an ache-y, crappy, awful feeling. Our second took close to a year to conceive and by the end of it I was a jealous, nervous mess. Same for the third, though that time it only took six months. I try not to mentally go back to those days because I was not a Good Person during that time.

  Of course there is no Perfect family size — just Perfect For You. But if your own personal Perfect seems to be eluding you, try to be gentle with yourself, Jonna.

• 11. Lori  |  April 29th, 2011 at 1:57 am

  It was really great to hear this right now. Thanks!

• 12. Veronica  |  April 29th, 2011 at 4:10 am

  Agreed. We had a crazy making time getting pregnant with our second and I cried, a lot. It was horrid.

• 13. Jenna  |  April 29th, 2011 at 5:14 am

  SING IT SISTER.

  (Also: “the kid to end all kids”= laughing into my morning tea.)

• 14. jonniker  |  April 29th, 2011 at 6:59 am

  Carla (may I call you Carla? HAAA), it’s too early to say if it’s taking too long, but I will say that because of what happened in January — with the tsunami of events — that it’s far more stressful than I anticipated. I didn’t realize how much I’d be worried not just of miscarrying again and all of the usual pregnancy worries, but, again, of setting off the Wave of Awful that happened last time.

  But I DID find it almost amusing, the number of people who seem to think wanting a second child isn’t as worthy as wanting just one. ONe of my best friends, too, is going through fertility treatments for her third. That’s … not always well received.

• 15. Li  |  April 29th, 2011 at 8:01 am

  BRAVO! ’nuff said.

• 16. Josefina  |  April 29th, 2011 at 8:04 am

  Children are such blessings. I understand why some choose not to have any, I really do. But, I also understand why it would be heartbreaking to want more and have difficulty making it happen. I hope you are blessed with another one, Jonna.

• 17. the grumbles  |  April 29th, 2011 at 8:20 am

  well said. we’re all entitled to our own kind of heartache when our family isn’t the way we imagined it. the judgment seems to come to all of us which begs the question– why can’t people mind their own business?

  (because i’m an only child with just one son, and thinking of leaving it that way.)

• 18. Tessie  |  April 29th, 2011 at 8:36 am

  This is a great post. THE KID TO END ALL KIDS! Heh.

  I relate to your comment about wanting Sam to have someone to bear witness to her childhood. While my daughter has three half and/or step siblings, she doesn’t have a sibling who is around her 100% of the time, like I was with my sister. And of course her childhood is different from each of theirs, due to different parent/home/school situations. So, yeah. I think about it.

• 19. Jen  |  April 29th, 2011 at 8:43 am

  Very well said. I have one that was hard-fought, and we’re thinking of leaving it at that. Not sure I want to go through it all again, and not sure it would even “work” again.

  Already getting comments about him needing a sibling. I don’t think he “needs” anything except the loving family he already has.

  I really hope you get that 2nd child.

  Not the pain olympics, INDEED.

• 20. -Jen  |  April 29th, 2011 at 9:13 am

  “no sliding pain scale” – Afreekingmen

  In terms of children, and in terms of so much stuff that comes with life. Just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean you have to come up with a story to top mine, or come up with one to make me feel better. Just let everyone be!

  Sorry, I’m obviously a little ranty on the subject …

• 21. SwingCheese  |  April 29th, 2011 at 9:35 am

  Very well put! Pre-children, I had a conversation with three of my friends. One wanted a huge family with lots of children, one (me) wanted maybe two, but probably only one, and the other two women were not interested in children at all. We had a very nice discussion about our reasons, and (I think) we all came away with a better understanding of each other. And most of my friends and family understand and are on board with the “one and done” attitude that my husband and I have. We love boyo. We don’t want any others. We understand that there are those who do, and that’s fine for them, but we do not.

  However, I’m sick to death of people saying “Just one? He’s going to be spoiled/dysfunctional/never have a good relationship b/c he won’t understand how to share the spotlight, etc.”. I especially enjoy letting them dig themselves into a hole before revealing that I, myself, am an only child. It’s fun to watch them try to backpedal, as I clearly am able to function in polite society. In my experiences, I’ve encountered both only children and children with siblings who are awful, spoiled creatures, and I’ve encountered both only children and children with siblings who are lovely people and whom I am proud to know.

• 22. Kris Taylor  |  April 29th, 2011 at 9:48 am

  My husband I are not parents. Not by choice, believe me we tried. But due to some medical conditions, after a while it just seemed too much, and so…we got (4) dogs. Not the best substitute, but hey…they make us happy. I am blessed that hubby has a job that allows me to stay home and take care of the house, him and the dogs. This is the decision my husband and I have made for our family, however small.

  And yet, my step mother is always passive-aggressively questioning my “lack of purpose and direction” because I choose not to work outside the home since I don’t have kids. This questioning never comes up with my sister, who has 2 children…

  Our life, our choices, please shut up and move along, nothing to see here, thank you.

  PS I apologize for longwindedness and grammatical mistakes (starting a paragraph with And (ugh) but that’s what you get when I write from the heart.

• 23. Melissa  |  April 29th, 2011 at 10:23 am

  We tried for our second for several years and then gave up. It came down to IVF or quit trying. We opted not to try IVF for financial reasons. That was almost 5 years ago. I’m still not okay with it. I still wonder if we should have tried it anyway, credit card debt be damned.

  Someone I love has said more than once, “at least you have Riley.” And I never know what to say. I know people expect me to be fine with it not working out because I didn’t have to go through life childless. (And hell, it’s been 5 years, I should probably be fine by now.)

  You said it all so very well. Maybe I’ll just start emailing people a link to this post.

• 24. H  |  April 29th, 2011 at 2:32 pm

  There is “no sliding pain scale” and no “pain olympics” is spot on. People need to remember this in every situation — each person’s grief and pain is theirs alone. You can’t compare – at all, ever. I’ve heard far too many people make inappropriate comments about others’ lives when there is a death (friend or family), a miscarriage, or health and fertility issues. The only appropriate response is compassion, period.

  Thank you for this.

• 25. emily  |  April 29th, 2011 at 3:01 pm

  I recently had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and got the same thing from so many people. Oh you’re young you can try again, you have your daughter, etc. Thanks but no thanks people. Its emotional and having people dismiss your feelings about it with comments really sucks. Even if behind closed doors the hubs and I both said it’s ok we can do this again doesn’t mean I want others telling me that. Just show you care. Even just saying I’m sorry and leaving it at that is better than everything else.

• 26. Christine  |  April 29th, 2011 at 3:51 pm

  Ugh, I’m sorry that people have said things to you and others that were insensitive and/or downright rude. Boo hiss. You are entirely right!

  Tough times seem to bring out a lot of the good in people, but it can also bring up a lot of the ugly.

  Be kind to yourself! and I hope you have a lovely weekend.

• 27. Lynnette  |  April 29th, 2011 at 4:20 pm

  This is timely and I wish I could direct the post to everyone in my playgroup. There have been miscarriages, surprise too-soon pregnancies, starting adoption proceedings, decisions to have only one, and lots of thoughtless comments to go with them.

  I myself would have a whole mess of children if my husband were on board, I weren’t sub-fertile, we were rich, and started earlier. I would like to have four, but may compromise with my husband with three, and that’s if we’re very lucky. We’ve just got the one 20-month-old girl right now, and have begun the possibly slow process of getting pregnant again.

  I have gotten the passive-aggressive lecture about having more than two to replace ourselves is unsustainable for the planet. Ha. It seems that to a lot of people, (at least in LA), the only acceptable number of children is 2. One is selfish and more is ridiculous.

• 28. Natalie  |  April 29th, 2011 at 4:39 pm

  Amen, sister.

• 29. Heather R  |  April 29th, 2011 at 4:42 pm

  Yes!!! I knew that I felt this way, but couldn’t put into words WHY I felt it was OKAY to feel this way! I also had a miscarriage after having my first child and then went on to have a second child pretty easily after that. I remember a good number of people saying something similar…like, “well at least THIS didn’t happen…” or, what I hated more was, “everything happens for a reason” and “there was probably something wrong with the baby”

• 30. Want Try Just&hellip  |  April 29th, 2011 at 4:55 pm

  [...] Gimme More | Jonniker. Everyone wants the family they always dreamed of, and everyone deserves it, but not everyone gets it. It's just the way it is, and it sucks, but everyone deserves to try and everyone deserves to be upset when their dreams didn't work . [...]

• 31. Aunt Becky  |  April 29th, 2011 at 6:47 pm

  I think that for some reason people feel the need to comfort themselves when faced with miscarriages. So they say stupid ass shit.

  I can think of no time that the phrase, “at least” has been followed by anything at all comforting. It makes me stabby.

• 32. Sarah  |  April 29th, 2011 at 9:12 pm

  Agreed!! May I also add, it’s also rude to make negative comments about the spacing between children. It’s a personal choice for goodness sake and only YOU know what’s right for YOUR family. (FIRST comments made by my in-laws after announcement of second baby were things like “so soon!” “[first child] isn’t that old yet!”. They’ll be 22 months apart. I nearly exploded in anger.) Just another thing parents should not be judged for. You can have your children 10 months or 10 years apart. It is not my place to say what is right or wrong for your family. *deep breath* Okay, done.

• 33. Very Bloggy Beth  |  April 30th, 2011 at 6:15 pm

  YES. I just experienced a loss (I’m the crazy one who emailed you and the #1 response I get is: “Well, you have your son!” And I just don’t know what to do with that. Because then I feel terrible for even have so desperately wanted that second baby, like, is my son not enough for me? Because OF COURSE HE IS. But I have always known I wouldn’t have just one. Would I have 2? 4? 10? That was debatable. But 2 kid minimum. And people keep asking, “Will you try again?” which is for one thing, a super personal question and who do people think they are, but also, YES. I wanted that baby SO BADLY. And I’m only 32. And this is our first loss. OF COURSE I will move on and have another.

• 34. Cheken  |  April 30th, 2011 at 7:23 pm

  My standard response to anyone sharing family achievement (like that?) struggles is to say, “yep, that sucks” and leave it there. I don’t want to say anything thoughtless to try to help and I don’t want to convey pity.

  My odds of getting pregnant again (let alone carrying to term) are slim-to-snowball-in-hell. I’ve found that people who know how hard my recovery was (a year, multiple surgeries, three months of active not dying effort) give me a break and don’t editorialize my family size. I still get, “well, thank god your daughter is here and ok.” Indeed. But. Ow.

  We were early in the pack in having our first, and I am over the moon for all my friends having their babies, but it’s an arrow in the heart every time.

  It’s not ok. It won’t ever be ok. And that’s ok. We’ve all got our cross to bear.

• 35. Kacey  |  May 1st, 2011 at 12:37 am

  I’m giving you a standing ovation over here. 13 heartbreaking months into trying for #2, if my mother in law tells me ONE MORE TIME that she will be fine if we never have another baby I’m going to scream. My husband is an only child due to their fertility issues and, while I am glad she has come to terms with it and is content with her family size. I am not and never will be happy with having only one child. It’s not who I am, it’s not how my family will be and, frankly nothing anyone else (besides my husband, of course) thinks matters at all. I get it, I guess, because I do have Brady and I am absolutely, head-over-heels in love with him. I love him and I’m gutted and I’m allowed to be both and so are you.

• 36. Katy  |  May 1st, 2011 at 2:13 am

  My brother and his wife don’t want kids and I am SHOCKED by how people just dismiss that when they say it. Like they even have the right to have an opinion on what other people choose to do with their reproductive parts. Gah.

  I’ll even go so far as to admit that I was thinking that I got off a little easy by having two babies at once because once you decide to have more than two kids, people start making rude jokes about that as well. Apparently two children is the only acceptable number to some people.

• 37. Maggy  |  May 1st, 2011 at 9:36 pm

  Aunt Becky is spot on: people don’t know what to say, so they open their mouths and the stupid falls out. I usually say, “I’m sorry,” or “That’s hard.” And then I stop talking before the stupid falls out.
  Sometimes I want another baby (okay, I want a girl), but we can’t afford it right now. I cannot put the possibility of a child (and the joy of pregnancy and birth) ahead of the well-being of the children I already have.
  Sam is the kid to end all kids. You know, besides mine.

• 38. Shan  |  May 2nd, 2011 at 10:49 am

  SO happy to see that others have mentioned the “no kids choice is ok too” thing. I’m at an age where most of my friends have had or are having babies and building their families, and while that’s great? For THEM? It’s not my cup of tea.
  My boyfriend/partner/sig other of almost 5 years and I have decided that, at least at this moment in time, no kids will be had. For me, it’s a combination of (admittedly) selfish AND health-related reasons. But ultimately, I am CHOOSING to not have kids. And most people do not understand that, as though it is my responsibility as a female to WANT and therefore HAVE kids. As though my only reason for being is to procreate. This is coming from both men and women. And it infuriates me to no end.
  I feel for those who want and cannot have…..and am thankful to those who back up people like me who can but don’t want….everybody has their ‘thing’, and everybody needs to respect everyone else’s thing, whether they agree or not.

• 39. Katelar  |  May 2nd, 2011 at 5:20 pm

  I really needed to read this. Thank you.

  I loved Angella’s comment too; regarding continued mourning of the first pregnancy. I lost my first pregnancy at 12.5 weeks this Fall and one thing that people keep saying over and over again is some variation of “you’ll APPRECIATE your first born so much more now*”. As though I wouldn’t have before? It’s an attempt to console that there WILL be a future child and he or she WILL be amazing, but it just makes me so very angry to hear it.

  It’s strange territory, and there doesn’t appear

• 40. Katelar  |  May 2nd, 2011 at 5:21 pm

  It’s strange territory, and it doesn’t appear to be a place in which anyone is comfortable. Which I think is why the comments that follow can be so clumsy.

  (I pressed submit before I was done; sorry!)

• 41. Sabrina  |  May 3rd, 2011 at 8:46 am

  Agree SO much with everything you said. I just wanted to add–my sister has one son, and for serious health problems, a second pregnancy is not possible. They spent some time searching for a surrogate and found two possibilities, but neither worked out. Eventually, she gave up, felt like too much time had passed, and the window of opportunity to “complete” her family was closed. It broke her heart. I know how much she aches, and I hate it.

  What I hate even more is that she gets it from both ends: anyone who knows she considered surrogacy thinks she’s an @sshole for not being happy enough with her son, and anyone who doesn’t know how badly she wanted/wants a second thinks she’s an @sshole for having an only child.

  However, I have to admit that, like others have said, I have NO idea what to say sometimes. I am SURE I have said things that felt heartless, when I had NO intention of doing it. I guess an “I’m sorry” is always the best reply, but it feels incomplete. And then morons like me keep bumbling about how “everything will work out,” etc., etc. So I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

• 42. Life of a Doctor's Wife  |  May 3rd, 2011 at 10:34 am

  Sometimes your writing just stuns me, it’s so clear and so piercing.

  I hope with all my heart that you get the exact family you are dreaming of.

• 43. Tara  |  May 3rd, 2011 at 11:37 am

  So very well said, Jonna.

  I read a great article a couple of months ago (it may have been in Self magazine), by a woman who’d decided she wanted to stop having kids after her first child. She talked about all of the people who used the ‘what if something happens to your son’ argument against her wish for an only child, like having some sort of ‘back-up’ kid was going to make her feel better if something were to happen. I will never understand how someone could actually think that this is a valid argument in any way, just like I’m confused by people who use the ‘you already have one child’ logic to argue against the pain of having trouble conceiving down the road. This is your life people are talking about (and really, shouldn’t be talking about, as it is YOUR LIFE), and you are allowed to feel how you feel.

• 44. Maya  |  May 4th, 2011 at 7:46 pm

  Siiiiigh. I hate this whole thing – its like no one can let anyone else have valid feelings….I’m judged for waiting till I felt ready, then the few people we told we lost a baby, it was like, ohhh it was early (and it WAS! I am ok with being sad about it anyway) and you’re young (well…I GUESS 31 is young, but considering we want at least 2 and I wanted to space them out, its not THAT young) and “oh you can try again when you’re *really* ready (thanks Mom, you had 3 of us at this age, I guess you were just much more mature than I am, a decade earlier)….It’s all very much ‘ahhh you’re FINE” and you know what? I AM fine. But I’m also supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant, and every time I think about it, I want to cry and I can’t. It’s too sad.

  I will get over this, we might get to have one (or even two)…and if anyone harasses us for not having any, or for having 3 or 5…..**** em!

  Pain Olympics. Thank you!

• 45. Melissa  |  July 12th, 2011 at 3:39 pm

  I’m late on finding this post of yours, but it speaks to me today as it wouldn’t have a few months ago, because I just went through a third early miscarriage last week. My history is “a puzzle,” according to my doctor: baby, mc, mc, baby, mc. Just saw her yesterday, in fact, to discuss whether or not I want referred to a high-risk specialist to have testing done (not sure about that though). I’ve heard it all, from the “at least you have’s” to the “it wasn’t meant to be’s” the “have fun trying again’s.” I have two beautiful children, and I’m immensely grateful for them, so shouldn’t that be enough? Admittedly, I sometimes feel selfish for wanting a third, which Mother Nature apparently finds to be quite an unreasonable request, but. BUT. There is something inside me that says, “just one more…” My husband and I haven’t even told anyone (aside from a few bloggie friends of mine) about trying to conceive again, let alone the pregnancy and miscarriage, BECAUSE we don’t want any comments, one way or the other. Kinda sad… It would be nice to have some nonjudgmental support.

  Thank you for writing about this, and writing about it so well.

  Hugs and best wishes to you & your family.

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