All You Want
May 8th, 2011
First of all, if you’re thinking about reading It and wondering when, exactly, it picks up and gets really good, the answer is somewhere around page 476. Yes, FOUR HUNDRED SEVENTY-SIX. I was about to give up and just move on to Sookie, when, for reasons unknown, I thought I’d give it another whirl and suddenly, things started moving and happening and it was GOOD and INTERESTING and then I looked and ha ha haaaaa, I was just about halfway through the book. HALFWAY.
This is becoming epic, like the months I read The Historian out of some strange obligation to my childhood allegiance to Vlad Tepes.
Anyway, this weekend was, in a word, perfect, and let me tell you, I really needed it. I’ve been under a lot of unmentionable stress lately, and on Friday, I really wasn’t so sure I was going to get through it. The way I roll when times are rough is to first, absolutely FREAK OUT AND LOSE IT ALL CAPS! I think I’m NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS! And things are going to be AWFUL! And I will be DEPRESSED FOREVER!
And then I do more of this: !!!!
I also think I quite literally rend my garments, or at least the bathroom towels.
Then I buck up, get it together and face shit like a grown-up. And, well, that’s what I’m going to do. Until the NEXT cause for freak out, and I’m guessing before all is said and done, this cycle should repeat itself 5,469,876 times.
But besides all that, this weekend was amazing in that simple way that I dreamed about before I had a kid. Saturday, we took Sam for ice cream and cow-gazing, and for a kid who hadn’t had ice cream since last summer (I never buy it), she sure seemed excited about it. “ICE CREAM? ICE CREAM?” was the refrain in the car, over and over again until we arrived at Richardson’s and she had her chocolate cone in her hot little hands.
There was ice cream and cows and it was perfect, right up until the moment Sam threw a tantrum because we wouldn’t put her IN the calf pen and leave her to roam with the baby cows. (She’s used to Davis Farmland, which reminds me, if you’re a Massachusetts resident, you need to go there. We’re getting a season pass this year, because it is awesome. Roaming animals and a splash pad? SIGN ME UP.)
Mother’s Day itself featured lobster rolls, a new-to-us park where Sam spun herself dizzy-drunk on the merry-go-round, lounging and Indian food. Honestly, it’s weekends like this that make me feel like wanting anything more than to keep the people I have happy and healthy would be overkill. Greedy, greedy overkill.
You know, we don’t have a particularly luxurious life, and we don’t yet have everything we want, and even though what we DO want isn’t particularly egregious (my two family/material goals: Have another baby and buy a little house), sometimes I just feel so stupidly lucky, and so painfully aware at how spoiled I am compared to some. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, leads me down the path of panicked doom, as though taking even one second of the life I have for granted will mean it gets taken away. Like wanting more for us — no matter how mundane the ‘more’ is — will tip the scales and set off an alarm that we’ve overreached.
Irrational and silly, I know — after all, there are as many people who have much more than we do as there are those who have less — but my little family is too good, I guess, to consider taking for granted.
I hope you had a great Mother’s Day, and that you have get everything you want.
*Um, do you guys remember Dido? Yes, I still have her album. And God, what a terrible name she had/has.
Entry Filed under: Adam,Beeber McSteebs,Books,Nuttin',The anxious anxiety
20 Comments Add your own
1. Liza | May 9th, 2011 at 8:25 am
Four things I miss about living in Massachusetts
Richardsons
Kimball Farms
Crescent Ridge
Peaceful Meadows
2. drhoctor2 | May 9th, 2011 at 9:09 am
Exactly.
I know I have everything I need, sometimes I feel greedy for *wanting* anything else.
3. Ris | May 9th, 2011 at 10:02 am
Ah yes, the impending doom because my life is good syndrome, I have experienced it many times.
4. jive turkey | May 9th, 2011 at 10:14 am
“…sometimes I just feel so stupidly lucky, and so painfully aware at how spoiled I am compared to some. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, leads me down the path of panicked doom, as though taking even one second of the life I have for granted will mean it gets taken away. Like wanting more for us — no matter how mundane the ‘more’ is — will tip the scales and set off an alarm that we’ve overreached.”
This is constantly playing in a loop in my brain. It’s exhausting. But I totally get it.
5. Kate | May 9th, 2011 at 11:34 am
Yes, yes, yes. I know exactly what you mean about the freaking out and then picking oneself up like a grown-up should. Also, the perfect family moments followed by panic.
(I get to see you. THIS. WEEK. That makes me so happy.)
Glad you had such a glorious weekend. You deserve many many more.
6. Life of a Doctor's Wife | May 9th, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Yes. Yes, exactly. I feel like if I forget for a MINUTE about all the many blessings we have, The Universe will swoop in and take it all away. Maintaining a constant state of gratitude/elation and worry about The Universe taking it all away is tough.
Glad you had such a lovely Mother’s Day!
7. MaggyD | May 11th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
is “It” the one with the freakishly trained dog at the beginning? If so, I remember reading it and stealing glances at my sister’s freakishly trained foster dog. You know, since I was reading it alone. In the dark. At her house, so it was strange and creepy. yeah.
I know that I am astoundingly wealthy by global standards, but less affluent than I used to be. (Thanks, economy!) And I feel guilty for that.
I’m glad you had an awesome Mother’s day. You deserve it.
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