“Oh, Crap!” is really the only appropriate title I can think of
May 15th, 2011
I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant, because, well, who would, after the last time, right? And as it turned out, being pregnant after a miscarriage is — well, at least for me — worse than the miscarriage itself. And by that, I don’t mean a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage — those, too, I am familiar with. I’m talking about a post-heartbeat-viewing-ultrasound miscarriage, the one where some people feel so safe that they run out and BUY THINGS OH MY SHIT. NO NO NO. LET ME BE YOUR GUIDE IN SUCH THINGS, NO.
I knew almost immediately, even though I was in denial, avoiding taking a test until well after I’d missed my period — incidentally, just before we left for Las Vegas. Because who DOESN’T want to go on a hedonistic drinking-type vacation and NOT BE ABLE TO DRINK AT ALL? (As it turned out, I didn’t want to drink anyway, because GODDAMN, the desert is dry. I couldn’t even drink COKE. I just wanted WATER.)
I was stressed out and terrified every second of the day. I was feeling myself up to the point of insanity. Honestly, I don’t think I went five minutes without sticking my hands into my bra, desperately feeling for soreness, which, fortunately or unfortunately, was always present. I almost bankrupted us buying pregnancy tests, peeing on them so often that Sam took to opening a package herself and holding them under her crotch, peering into the wrapper for whatever she thought I was looking for. I skipped the digital tests, for they had no real GAUGE of how things were going. Pregnant or not pregnant, there was no in-between on those suckers, when by now, we ALL know you can be a little pregnant.
Were they getting darker? I swore they were, but I couldn’t be sure. I’d pee on one a day, comparing it to the previous day’s, examining every nuance in color, using that, along with my dizziness and boob soreness, as a bizarrely unscientific algorithm to determine how things were going.
I had my first ultrasound at seven weeks on the dot, according to my calculations, which, without going into detail, are close to iron-clad. The ultrasound showed up with a strong heartbeat, but a baby measuring six weeks on the dot. To them, it all looked fine. To me … not so much. It was Pete and Repeat up in here, for that is precisely, and I mean PRECISELY, how things went down the last time. I sobbed while a nurse acted as though I was insane for being upset, and tried to tell me how rare it was for people to have two miscarriages in a row, how I needed to RELAX, how every pregnancy was DIFFERENT. I was waiting for her to give me a reason NOT to punch her in the face, but she never did. Somehow I refrained, and instead, I went to the front desk and made an appointment for a viability ultrasound for exactly one week later.
The next one wasn’t any better. The baby grew, but the heart rate didn’t. Steady, but exactly the same: 115 bpm. The prognosis I was given was 50/50. “It could really go either way,” my doctor said. Obviously, they wanted it higher, but she’d seen it happen before, just like this, so I hung in there.
And then I got sick. Dry heaves at every corner, a craving for nothing but McNuggets and an affinity for Liberte yogurt. I felt … hopeful. Better. More positive! HA HA!
I went back for my third viability ultrasound feeling almost cocky. I was sick as a dog! I was about to faint! I had eaten copious amounts of McNuggets!
No heartbeat. Apparently the baby had died just after my ultrasound the week prior, but my body, in an effort to keep things pumping along, went into crazy overdrive. So basically, every comforting sign I’d ever been given about a “healthy” pregnancy was completely shattered. Visible heartbeat? Statistically worthless until 10 weeks, according to my other doctor who, as it turns out, is a renowned miscarriage expert, so I believe him. Morning sickness a good sign? A total lie, as I learned first-hand.
I really hope that the OTHER myth is that alcohol is bad in pregnancy, because I don’t see how I’m going to get through another one of these without being drunk 24/7. I plan to make mint juleps an active part of my prenatal diet, along with folic acid, because SERIOUSLY.
I mean, really. I am, rationally or irrationally, completely freaked. I’m terrified, of course. I know it happens — more often than people even know, I think — but for some reason, the majority of the stories I got in those first 24 hours were people trying to commiserate with me by sharing stories of how it happened to them/their sister/their sister’s friend/their friend and MY GOD, THE STORIES. Of how this happened, and the lonely horror that ensued! The DECADES of infertility and, in at least one case, DIVORCE. DIVORCE. And I just … well, I feel terrible saying this, but it sent me into a Very Bad Place, because it’s one thing to be able to talk about that stuff with some distance, quite another when you’re in the thick of it.
I say this not to be an unsympathetic asshole, but just to say that if you have a horror story that ended badly, I might not be in the place to hear it, OK? It’s just … where I’m at right now. I know people go through, and survive, much worse, and I know I’m lucky and BELIEVE ME, I am grateful for Sam, BELIEVE ME, OKAY? It’s just that I’m still upset. I’m still scared. And the next person to say, “Well, at least you have ONE healthy child!” gets a dickpunch, because I KNOW, but that doesn’t make this suck any less, I’m sorry, it doesn’t. And recognizing that this sucks doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate Sam. They are two unrelated entities in my mind.
Forgive me, as I am a little sensitive bordering on crazy.
Tomorrow — well, today, Monday, by the time many of you read this — is my second D&C (D&E, really) since January. My parents were already in town for my brother’s MBA graduation in Amherst (congratulations, Justin!), so they were kind enough to make the short trip over to help us out with Sam — and me, as Adam’s traveling for business Tuesday, and I was pretty out of it for a few days afterwards last time.
At what point does this move from sympathetic journey to CIRCUS SIDESHOW!! is what I want to know. I’m thinking three might be the magic number.
Much love to everyone who’s been so kind. Your notes and tweets have meant a lot. We’ll be fine – we always are, so long as the three of us have each other. Oh, and Sunny. God, Sunny, who can forget SUNNY? I’m sure this is causing a great deal of intestinal turmoil that we’ll have to clean up later.
It’s just a bump in the road, I suppose. A sucktastic festering boil of a pothole-y bump, but a bump nonetheless.
Catch you on the flip.
Entry Filed under: Infertile Myrtle,Miscarriage,Teh Second Baby,Things that suck
153 Comments Add your own
1. VHMPrincess | May 15th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
OH CRAP. And I am so sorry are really the only things I can think of to say. Miscarriages when you already have a child are just as devastating. There is still a loss there, and those that think otherwise can SHUT IT. And really, if someone is feeling a loss, there is REALLY NO APPROPRIATE response other than “I’m sorry” – no “you should be less sad because…”.
I am sorry and this whole mess is sucky. I hope tomorrow sucks less than you think it will. That’s what I would have wanted people to say when I was in that situation.
2. Natalie | May 15th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
It just sucks, and it’s not FAIR, and advice from ANYONE about how you should be grateful for what you have is completely unnecessary.
You are allowed to hate this and throw things and no one should try to talk you out of that.
I’m so sorry, Jonna.
3. Elizabeth | May 15th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Dude, I am so so so so sorry you have been going through all this. It sounds wretched and I had no idea and I am just so sorry. And if I said anything stupid or insensitive in the past 8 weeks I am sorry for that too. AND the next person who says “At least you have Sam”? Well, please refer them to ME and I will happily punch them in the face for you. God. WHO SAYS THAT?
4. Elsha | May 15th, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Oh Jonna. I am so sorry. That just sucks so much.
5. Melanie Kerton | May 15th, 2011 at 9:50 pm
well that sucks ass….. I am so very sorry. *hugs*
6. Angella | May 15th, 2011 at 9:55 pm
I already told you this in Tweets/DM’s, but let me say it again.
This sucks. And blows.
I know your fear. I lost my first baby, and had a D&C, and lived in fear during each subsequent pregnancy. To have two losses in a row is horrible. You have every right to feel how you feel.
I have a good friend who had multiple miscarriages after each of her three girls were born. Sad, yes. There is so much loss. But hopeful because multiple losses do not mean that you won’t hold another newborn baby that you guys made.
7. Terri | May 15th, 2011 at 10:00 pm
so, so sorry to read this. Hugs and lots of love being sent your way.
8. Tara | May 15th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Man, my heart just aches for you. And I wish I could meet you just so I wouldn’t feel crazy for wanting to hug you. The insensitivity some people have in crappy situations makes them totally deserve the proposed dickpunch because, well, I hate them for you. (The number of times I heard, “oh, but you had a healthy pregnancy so you can just try again” made me want to strangle anyone who actually believes that to be true!) I just, I want so many things to be great for you! You are in my thoughts, Jonna. Sending you positive vibes and future happiness, despite the heartache you are feeling now.
9. maggie may | May 15th, 2011 at 10:04 pm
I am so, so sorry. I totally understand. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks over a year ago, and it was shattering. My love to you.
10. Erin | May 15th, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Oh Jonna, I am so so so sorry.
What you described there, that fear? I felt it every day of my healthy pregnancy. I called the doctor at 6.5 weeks when my boobs were less sore! I freaked out over and over again that I didn’t have morning sickness! I panicked about EVERYTHING. I kept right on panicking for a couple of days after my daughter was born too, it was like an anxiety hangover. However! A home doppler helped SO much after 12 weeks and I did kick counts twice a day (at least), every day from 24 weeks on. It sounds little crazy, but it did help and you will get through it. Having a doctor who is a pregnancy loss expert should be reassuring (I hope!). Hopefully that means he’s also a loss prevention expert?
11. Laurie | May 15th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
I’m so sorry to hear of another loss. I am just an internet reader, although I find you funny and intelligent and generally wonderful! My thoughts are with you and your family. I know it is a very sad and difficult time.
I also had multiple miscarriages (3 sadly) and on the fourth, which stuck, I rented a doppler to listen to the heartbeat whenever I wanted to. It was a giant stress reliever for me in the early weeks – to not have to wait for the doctor’s appt to ease my mind.
I wish there was some magic advice or comment that would help, but I know there isn’t. Take care and keep being your wonderful self.
12. Ginger | May 15th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
I already said how shitty this is on Twitter, but I’ll reiterate: This sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are allowed every ounce of anger and sadness and fear and every other emotion you have–no matter what anyone else says or implies.
13. Margot | May 15th, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Aw, crap? Sounds more like oh FUCK to me. I’m so, so sorry. Sending all my best your way.
14. Wendryn | May 15th, 2011 at 10:18 pm
I’m so sorry. This sucks so badly. Hairy donkey balls, even. I haven’t miscarried (we can’t get pregnant) but I’ve had friends who have miscarried and they have the same underlying terror every time they get pregnant after that.
Anyone who says anything about what you should be thankful for should be punched or kicked or otherwise damaged. People are stupid. I wish you didn’t have to put up with them.
I wish I could hug you, even though I don’t know you. I wish there were something that would help. *hugs*
15. amandapm | May 15th, 2011 at 10:19 pm
Jonna – sweet gal – unlimited hugs from me. Been thinking about you. Unlimited hugs and all kinds of other sweet things to you (including lots of fab fragrance wishes for when you are feeling up to smelling stuff), Ms. Lady.
16. craftyashley | May 15th, 2011 at 10:19 pm
Gosh, that sucks. I’m so sorry for your loss! Sending you lots of hugs.
17. Summer | May 15th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Oh gosh I’m so sorry. Be gentle with yourself. This shit ain’t easy.
18. Carla Hinkle | May 15th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
I’ve been thinking of you … still am. I kn
As for the jack holes who tell you loss stories that end badly, who DOES that? Maybe, MAYBE it is OK to tell loss stories with a happy ending…since I’m not in your shoes I’m not sure how you’d feel about that. But stories with a bad/sad ending? No. No no no.
19. Suebob | May 15th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
I’m so sorry. I hope soon that all your baby dreams will come true and all of this will just be a distant memory.
20. jonniker | May 15th, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Yo, Carla, I am COMPLETELY down with happy ending stories, because frankly, they are all different. And I was KIND of okay with the other stories, though still pretty wobbly, until they started crossing into the likes of, “AND THEN THE STRESS BECAME TOO MUCH AND THEY GOT DIVORCED.”
AIEEEE. OH MY GOD, REALLY?
21. Mary O | May 15th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
I’m so sorry, Jonna. Best of luck to you!
22. Veronica | May 15th, 2011 at 10:38 pm
Fuuuuuck. Dammit. I just want to swear lots on your behalf.
I’m so sorry.
23. Laurel | May 15th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
I am a long time reader but hardly ever comment. Just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss.
24. Carla Hinkle | May 15th, 2011 at 11:54 pm
The DIVORCE story is totally over the top. If you weren’t in such a crappy place one could almost laugh at how ridiculous it is to tell someone having a horrible experience that hey, my sister had that SAME horrible experience as you are and she lost her marriage to it! Woo-hoo!
Also, since you are OK with happy ending stories, I will just give you a short one: good friend of mine, 2 losses followed by 2 perfectly healthy, normal pregnancies and births. Some very rough times but definitely a big, happy ending.
Anyway. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I’m glad you have your parents there with you. I can understand feeling scared and upset and pissed off and sad and all of it. All of us (your Friends Inside The Computer) want to be there for you in whatever way we can.
25. Rebecca | May 16th, 2011 at 1:14 am
I am so sorry. It does suck, I know firsthand. I’ll always hold the lost one in my heart…but it does get better,i promise. I swear.and following my loss,i had my amazing carli, light and sunshine of my life. And another on the way. It gets better. And until then, we love you…you are in all our thoughts.
26. velocibadgergirl | May 16th, 2011 at 1:23 am
It feels utterly lame and ineffectual to say I’m sorry, but really…I am so sorry. I hope this is the last one, ever.
27. heather | May 16th, 2011 at 1:24 am
You know, I’ve had the weirdest feeling you were pregnant again for a while now. I’m so sad to hear things have gone wrong. There arent any words of comfort I can offer, so I figured I should at least delurk and comment. I’m really sorry you and your husband have had to go through this again. I’ve been reading for a long time and while I know you’ll grieve, I also know you’re stronger than you realise. Get up and fight for it when you’re ready and until then, you feel free to vent to us as much as you want!
28. Sarah | May 16th, 2011 at 1:26 am
Jonna, I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. It’s not fair, it truly isn’t. I’m fighting a battle with secondary infertility and miscarriages, too, and I feel your pain. And frustration. And loss. I have several friends who are fully aware of what I’m going through (fertility treatment) who I want to punch in the throat on a regular basis because of the stories they tell me and the other horrendously callous things they say. I guess I just want you to know you’re not alone, that other people know how much this sucks too. I hope things turn around for you and your family soon.
29. Kate | May 16th, 2011 at 2:06 am
Oh crap is right. Again, I’m just a person inside your computer, but I’m so so sorry for this loss. I wish I were there too to give you a big hug. And a lasagna. Or whatever you wish.
Prayers and swear words and everything in between being said on your behalf.
30. metalia | May 16th, 2011 at 5:12 am
I’m just so sorry, Jonna. It’s awful, and there’s really nothing else to say. So much love to you guys, always, and strength and healing thoughts to you today. xoxo
31. Courtney | May 16th, 2011 at 5:23 am
Oh I’m so very sorry. That is shitty and sad and just plain sucks.
32. Giselle | May 16th, 2011 at 5:41 am
So sorry. I’m glad that you have a place to vent and post your fears and frustrations. And I’m sorry that the very same place is where you get crazy people telling you that at least you have one child and perhaps all of this will end in divorce. Idiots.
After my miscarriage I had several people tell me, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” As if that is the goal. Just getting pregnant…not getting a baby at the end. Idiots.
Thinking of you…
33. Swistle | May 16th, 2011 at 5:48 am
It is too bad there aren’t clinics where the woman can be put into a coma until, say, birth.
34. Lori | May 16th, 2011 at 5:59 am
Thinking of you today.
35. jonniker | May 16th, 2011 at 6:15 am
Well, Rebecca, it *did* get better for me after one, too. And then I got this. So I’m not quite in the “it gets better” camp just yet (I sense a YouTube campaign). After one? Oh sure, I could write that off as a fluke. Two? Not so sure about that.
36. KT | May 16th, 2011 at 7:11 am
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this again. Thinking of you.
37. Kate | May 16th, 2011 at 7:19 am
Here’s a happy ending story: my friend, Kristin (who was, incidentally, at dinner on Saturday), had THREE miscarriages and then THREE healthy children. I don’t think there are any recognizable patterns in the way these things do and don’t work. But I do think that it will work.
I can’t imagine how scary all of this has been. I’m so sorry for that part and this part and I love you. I hope to see you soon. xoxoxoxo
38. Kate | May 16th, 2011 at 7:28 am
Oh, crap! Thinking of you this week.
39. Tammie | May 16th, 2011 at 7:34 am
Thinking of you today.
40. the grumbles | May 16th, 2011 at 7:46 am
thinking of you.
41. danish | May 16th, 2011 at 7:54 am
Thought of you all weekend, really. SO sorry. Thinking of you today and sending you hugs and support, even though I am a total stranger to you. (((hugs)))
42. G. | May 16th, 2011 at 7:55 am
Oh crap indeed. I am so so sorry. Dr. G. prescribes lots of mint juleps, chocolate infusions, repeat viewings of Friday Night Lights, and anything else that will help get you through. Thinking of you.
43. Leslie | May 16th, 2011 at 7:56 am
I’m so sorry, Jonna. Thinking of you today.
44. Leandra | May 16th, 2011 at 8:00 am
I’m sorry. I remember my panic-filled pregnancy right after my miscarriage. Analyzing every sign, symptom, and emotion. It wasn’t pleasant and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’m so very sorry for all of it. I know we don’t know each other that well (except for a mutual love of the Dark Crystal and The Secret of NIMH), but I’m just an email away if you want to talk.
45. Kristen | May 16th, 2011 at 8:14 am
I’m so sorry. I wish could do or say something wise or helpful, but really, all I have is that I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I’ll be thinking of you.
46. Life of a Doctor's Wife | May 16th, 2011 at 8:15 am
I am so sorry, Jonna. Thinking of you.
47. Jessica | May 16th, 2011 at 8:17 am
I’ll be thinking of you today. Hope everything goes as well as possible.
48. heidi | May 16th, 2011 at 8:18 am
My thoughts are still with you. It sucks. Really, really sucks. I do feel positive you will be adding another bundle of joy to your family in the near future.
49. A. | May 16th, 2011 at 8:19 am
Oh, Jonna. My heart is breaking. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this again. Life isn’t fair in the least, and I have no idea why some people are thrown such crap over and over again. You have every right to be sad, mad, sick, tired and whatever else you’re feeling for however long you want to feel it. You are so strong. And I am so sorry.
50. Elissa | May 16th, 2011 at 8:26 am
What to say? I’m so sorry and will be thinking of you this week. Wish I could give you a big hug.
51. S | May 16th, 2011 at 8:26 am
Thinking of you. I’ve been where you are. Thank you for sharing your story. When I had my miscarriages, no one talked about it.
52. moira | May 16th, 2011 at 8:36 am
My thoughts are with you and Adam. My best friend went through this same thing, and it was such an emotional roller coaster for her. She switched doctors, found one that listened to her concerns, got some Lovenox, and HAPPY ENDING ALERT!!!!! I’m on my way to drop-off some hand-me-downs for her 7 month old baby boy. He’d delicious.
53. Shelly | May 16th, 2011 at 8:43 am
I’m so very sorry to hear this. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
54. obabe | May 16th, 2011 at 8:59 am
theres nothing to say. i have three kids, and just had my first miscarriage and d+c (10 days ago) and it SUCKS. youre in my prayers for a quick recovery.
55. Marie Green | May 16th, 2011 at 9:00 am
Woke thinking of you first thing this morning, Jonna. I got teary reading this. I’m so bummed and sad and pissed FOR you. I think being drunk for all of the your next pregnancy is absolutely understandable. You could start tomorrow. Wish there was more I could do…
And it think it is ABSOLUTELY unbelievable that people would try to trivialize your loss by reminding you to be grateful for Sam. Sam has nothing– NOTHING– to do with the sense of loss you have now, except for perhaps making the loss worse because you know EXACTLY what it’s like to have a baby, so you want one more. I’m so glad you’re strong enough to know that you can feel exactly however you feel, and it’s totally ok. I cringe for the people in a similar situation that listen to that crap and don’t have your sensibilities.
Sending so much love your way today…
56. Calliope | May 16th, 2011 at 9:08 am
From my corner of the blogosphere I know this flavor of OHFUCKINGSHITNO and it is not a flavor one needs to be served over and over again. It fucking sucks.
I wish I had perfect words of comfort but all I have is a nodding of my head. And ears – I’ve got those.
xo
57. Mar | May 16th, 2011 at 9:14 am
So sorry about this.
58. Christine | May 16th, 2011 at 9:22 am
Oh god, completely unfair. Sending so so many good thoughts and virtual hugs from Philadelphia.
(And punches to the tender bits of anyone who so much as says something that trivializes your loss.)
59. Gaby | May 16th, 2011 at 9:24 am
So sorry to read this, Jonna. Thinking of you, Adam, Sam, and, of course, Sunny.
60. Josefina | May 16th, 2011 at 9:28 am
I’m sorry. This all makes my heart hurt. I’M NOT PITYING YOU, I promise. I just, well, I want the best for you.
There are horrible, bad-ending stories, and there are good stories. I have good ones if you want them.
61. Jessica | May 16th, 2011 at 9:35 am
The miscarriage I had after already having 2 kids was just at awful and heartbreaking as the one I had when I had 0 kids. A loss is a loss and the only thing that makes it better is time. I am so sorry.
62. Jen | May 16th, 2011 at 9:36 am
I’m so sorry you’re going through this again (and at all).
Thinking of you.
63. Lawyerish | May 16th, 2011 at 9:37 am
Thinking of you today, my friend. I wish I could make it better.
64. Auntie G | May 16th, 2011 at 9:48 am
Happy ending, it is! (Side note to say that I purposely didn’t include my happy ending when I first wrote you, because FOR ME (as in Swistle’s for some people, x happen…and for some people, y happens), I didn’t want to hear happy stories right away. *d’oh!*)
One son, almost 3 yrs old. Fertility challenges (OF COURSE “unexplained”) all the way. Conceived son w/help when I was 35. Two back-to-back m/cs since he was born, one with an identifiable chromosomal problem, but the second “normal” – after a horrific 9 weeks and what was a basically a failed termination of a suspected ectopic which actually wasn’t ectopic at all. So…trauma, and how.
However, many many tears and rough conversations later, after both traditional and hippie medical assistance, we’re almost 17 weeks pregnant, and everything looks pretty good. I’m 38. I’ll never be the same pregnant woman I was before my losses, and I personally have a home doppler I use every single day, even on the days that the baby kicks the crap out of me…but I think I’ll be okay, and I think this baby will be okay.
And I really, really hope that everything will be okay for you and Adam and Sam (and Sunny!). Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story.
65. Sarah | May 16th, 2011 at 9:49 am
I’m so sorry. This is why I sometimes wonder if women didn’t have it a little easier back in the olden days, when a pregnancy wasn’t officially confirmed until you felt the baby move. With all three of my losses, it happened before ten weeks, so basically I would have missed a few periods, felt sick, thought I was probably pregnant, then started bleeding and thought, “Oh, guess not.”
Or maybe they knew they’d been early pregnant, but it just seems that without all the tests and the ultrasounds and the blood draws they were were probably able to shrug it off a little easier as a fluke, an unfortunate roll of the biological dice, and move on. As opposed to what we go through now, confirming PREGNANT within two weeks of conception, thinking about it every single second, and then feeling our hearts drop into our stomachs when it fails yet again. After my third (second in a row, after our second child) I remember I couldn’t even talk to anyone in the doctor’s office. I just kept bursting into tears. I had to leave and come back later when I could get through a sentence without sobbing.
I did get pregnant again after the third miscarriage, and had a beautiful baby boy. So I’m three for six now. But even now, on the flip side of a healthy baby, I still dread going through the conception/first trimester ordeal. DREAD. There’s just no solution for making it easier- people will say, “Just don’t think about it!” when I talk about how nervous I am that something will go wrong. “Just don’t even think about being pregnant until you’re past twelve weeks!” Um, sure!
Anyways, sending big hugs and lots of empathy. And for what it’s worth, I got a bunch of tests done after my second m/c and found out I have a couple of blood clotting abnormalities which are linked to miscarriage, so I take extra EXTRA folic acid and baby aspirin now. I have a friend who had three m/c s in a row, found out she has this same clotting defect (MTHFR is the name) and she’s now twelve weeks along with her fifth pregnancy, and hopefully second child. So I don’t know, maybe some testing is in order?
Certainly some comfort food/trash TV.
66. Sam | May 16th, 2011 at 10:02 am
I’m just so sorry. I really want a happy ending for you and am going to trust that IT WILL HAPPEN. In the meantime, just know you are loved. I’m sorry stupid people felt the need to tell you worst-case scenario stories, really who does that? Who hasn’t gotten the memo that “I’m sorry for your loss” is the best thing to say during something like this?
67. hydrogeek | May 16th, 2011 at 10:06 am
Miscarriages can just get ef’ed in the dill-hole. What a crappy awful thing to happen to you. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
It happened to me too, before I had any kids. Two freaking miscarriages in a row. The happy ending is now I have kids. Two. It can happen, that happy ending. I had an RE tell me baby aspirin helped, so I did that, but who knows if it helped or if the miscarriages were just out to get me for a while, then moved on. I repeat: Miscarriages can get ef’ed in the dill-hole. I’m so sorry for your loss.
68. -R- | May 16th, 2011 at 10:13 am
I’m sorry, Jonna. I am glad you have family there to help.
69. kakaty | May 16th, 2011 at 10:15 am
Two happy endings: I’ve had 2 miscarriages – one pregnancy I knew about and one I didn’t until after the miscarriage (no D&C – I opted to let “my body take care of it” as my doctor said — 1st time was fine, 2nd time OMG WORST DECISION EVER). Those happened between 2 very healthy and uneventful pregnancies. But yes, when I was pregnant with the Madman I didn’t really breathe until like 20 weeks. And during those 20 weeks I was at L&D late at night for them to monitor and check me for some freak-out moment or another.
Another happy ending story: my long time friend and boss had 4 miscarriages in 3 years between her two healthy pregnancies. She had/has pretty severe endometriosis and they had all but given up when a pregnancy held.
I’m thinking of you today.
70. Halyn | May 16th, 2011 at 11:04 am
Oh goddammit! I’m so sorry. This sucks so much.
And who the hell thinks that a woman already stressing out over pregnancy loss needs marriage failure to worry about? I mean, seriously, WTF was that person THINKING!?!?
If I lived in Boston, I would happily, nay, GLEEFULLY, lend you my fists for the punching of dicks.
71. Jessica | May 16th, 2011 at 11:21 am
I’m so sorry, as we all are. My thoughts are with you and your family today. And I have a hopefully story for you, but I’ll save it for another day. Lot of love!
72. NellaBean | May 16th, 2011 at 11:36 am
Please accept a word-filled hug from this sympathetic stranger.
73. marci | May 16th, 2011 at 11:55 am
I am so very sorry. : (
74. Lynn | May 16th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
So sorry to hear the news…hope you and your family are doing okay.
75. Leigh | May 16th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Oh no, I am so sorry. I know in my heart of hearts that you will have another baby. I do. Don’t ask me how, but I do. But I do not think you are being irrational at all for feeling the way you feel right now.
Sorry.
76. Katie | May 16th, 2011 at 12:27 pm
I am so so sorry. There are no words. My thoughts are with you and your family.
77. lindsayc | May 16th, 2011 at 12:34 pm
I am so very sorry, miscarriage is awful. Feel better, and when you can wrap your head around the idea – try again. From what I was told, every pregnancy is 50/50 chance. I found this to be pretty accurate: I have two kids and had two miscarriages. Best wishes.
78. Jessie | May 16th, 2011 at 12:43 pm
I am so, so sorry.
79. Alyssa | May 16th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Jonna, I am so sorry to hear this. I’m thinking of you and your family. Hugs.
80. Monica | May 16th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.
81. H | May 16th, 2011 at 1:17 pm
I am so sorry. I hope your recovery goes well – and that all future pregnancy-related events go smoothly for you.
82. mar | May 16th, 2011 at 1:22 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that you really do punch the next person who makes an asinine comment because someone needs to do that before people stick their entire foot in their mouth. Seriously.
83. Kris Taylor | May 16th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
I am so very sorry. Thinking of you
84. kris | May 16th, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Oh man….how devastating for you. My heart breaks for you and your family, and the terrible loss that you’ve suffered again. You will get through this. Many warm thoughts and prayers and vibes and anything else I can send your way today especially, but throughout your recovery, too. Big hugs.
85. Jen | May 16th, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Wish there were words that would make it better, but I know that’s not possible. I’ve been thinking of you all weekend and I’m just so sorry.
86. ABDPBT | May 16th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Craptastic. I don’t have any advice or way of fixing it, so I will just say I’m so sorry again, and sending you good thoughts and support.
87. mrschaos | May 16th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
I’m always baffled by people who will tell horror stories or tell you how you’re supposed to feel in these situations.
I’m so, so sorry for all that you’re going through. I wish I could make it better.
88. susan | May 16th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
So, so very sorry! I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Thoughts and hugs are with you…
89. Erin | May 16th, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Crap.
I hate that this is happening to you.
We don’t even know each other (kinda wish we did so I could make you brownies or something), and I still cried when I read this post.
Thought, prayers, hugs, whatever you need… I’m sending them your way.
There isn’t anything that makes it better. And, being sad about these losses doesn’t make Sam any less glorious. There is no “At least…” statement that makes you feel better.
Be sad. Hug on your babies (sam and sunny, and your hubby), and do what gets you through.
Thank you for sharing your life in such a beautiful way, even the terrible parts.
You are loved, and appreciated!
90. @officeballerina | May 16th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Shit Jonna, that sucks. I am so very sorry. Everything about this blows. I know this Very Bad Place you speak of, as I am currently in it as well.
Just know a total internet stranger is thinking of you and sending you a ton of good vibes and healthy future pregnancy juju. Hang in there.
91. Jen the Trephinist | May 16th, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I’m so sorry, Jonna. Thinking hopeful thoughts.
92. Sarah | May 16th, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Oh Jonna….I don’t know if you’ll read until comment #92 but I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry. I wish I had something more helpful and/or comforting to add, but I can’t imagine how absolutely craptacular you are feeling right about now so there are probably no words good enough. I teared up several times reading this, and am going to hug my baby boy a bit tighter tonight. I’m thinking of you and your family, give Sam and Sunny lots of snuggles.
93. Reading (and chickens) | May 16th, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Shit, I’m so sorry. I had two miscarriages as well. It sucked (understatement), but (happy ending!) I have two little boys, and it didn’t take me ten years, and i didn’t even have to divorce my husband.
94. Diane | May 16th, 2011 at 8:55 pm
I’m so sorry and I wish there was more I could say.I kind of want to kick stuff for you.
95. jonniker | May 16th, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Sarah, I read every. single. comment. multiple times.
To all of you: thank you. You are funny, smart and kind. Really. Also, balls-out strong.
96. Amanda Brown | May 16th, 2011 at 9:53 pm
I’m just seeing this now, since I suck at Twitter, but my heart is so sad for you, Jonna. To lose another baby is unimaginable and I am so, so sorry.
97. Lindsay | May 17th, 2011 at 12:47 am
So awful. Hang in there, is all I can say. I’ve been there. Had 3 miscarriages between my 2 healthy babies and I also had a really hard time with feeling like I had no right to be so sad, since I already had one healthy child. You are so right, they are “two unrelated entities.” I wish I had understood this as well as you do. It will get better, but you will never forget them.
98. Pam | May 17th, 2011 at 12:50 am
Oh, lord. I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’ll be in my thoughts.
99. Laura @ the Diniwilks | May 17th, 2011 at 7:50 am
Oh, Jonna. I am so, so sorry.
100. SwingCheese | May 17th, 2011 at 10:06 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s weird, how people who haven’t experienced this sort of loss seem to want you to be able to gloss over it as though nothing major happened. I have to assume their hearts are in the right place, even though they come across as incredibly callous.
From the happy ending file: My grandparents had to get married, as grandma was pregnant. Then she had a miscarriage. She went on to have my mom (healthy baby), then have three more miscarriages in a row, then have three more healthy children. You can, and you will, get through this, with positive results, I’m certain.
101. DCZia | May 17th, 2011 at 11:54 am
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’re going through, and my imaginings feel pretty awful. Hugs and margaritas and trashy mindless novel reading to you.
102. Renee from GA | May 17th, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Awww, man. I don’t even know what to say. I kinda want to help you with the dickpunching and bake you brownies and cue up Buffy the Vampire Slayer all at once for mindless violent viewing. Wishing you well, internet stranger-friend. (that last word I just made up has a shade of “sister-wives” about it but maybe that will make you snort so I’ll leave it in).
You are incredibly, incrediby stronger than you think or can imagine. i just wish you didn’t have to be.
103. Vicki | May 17th, 2011 at 12:49 pm
I’m so sorry.
104. Deb | May 17th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Oh, Jonna. I’m so sorry.
105. ksl | May 17th, 2011 at 8:22 pm
I’ll be honest – it will be with you forever. That’s OK. Let yourself be sad. It’s OK.
You’ve suffered a loss – nobody knows how that feels but you.
You’ll be fine. You’ll hurt, you’ll be sad, you’ll tear up when you talk about it, but it’s OK. You’ll be fine. Live your life, enjoy Sam, love your husband.
You’ll be fine.
Twenty years later after 6 miscarriages, I am fine.
106. jonniker | May 17th, 2011 at 8:30 pm
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I’m not in a place to be able to imagine going through six miscarriages with no additional baby and imagining myself as fine. That is not a happy ending I want to envision at the moment.
(I AM VERY SENSITIVE.)
107. Page | May 17th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Jesus fuck, Jonna. I feel like puking after reading this, it is that goddamned unfair and cruel. I am so, so sorry. Please let me know if I can do some dick punching, or anything at any time.
108. Aoife | May 18th, 2011 at 4:09 am
Another usually silent reader here, I am also so sorry and wish there was a way of making things better for you right now. I wished life had a fast-forward button after my miscarriage and (eventually) two subsequent pregnancies; knowing there were happy endings helped a bit, but getting through each day was just so hard sometimes. Re-reading old favourite books was my ‘escape plan’, hope you can find one too. A total stranger in Ireland is thinking of you and hoping you’re doing ok.
109. beyond | May 18th, 2011 at 6:28 am
very sorry. thinking about you.
110. kelsey | May 18th, 2011 at 9:38 am
i’m so very sorry to hear this. you will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
111. Jen | May 18th, 2011 at 10:27 am
First of all, what the HELL is wrong with people telling you horror stories right now? GAH. Dickpunches all around.
Hugs to you, mama. I cannot imagine the mental and physical exhaustion you must feel right now. xoxo
112. annettek | May 18th, 2011 at 11:52 am
I am so very sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard it is and I hope you can find your way through it.
But, why, why, why do people do that with the horrid stories?! Gah. Suckage all around.
113. anne nahm | May 18th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Oh honey. Thinking good thoughts for you. I’m so sorry.
114. Amy {Frugan} | May 18th, 2011 at 2:33 pm
This just sucks so hard. When I first heard, all I wanted to do was throw some curses around but I wasn’t sure sending you an expletive-filled message would be considered appropriate. So I went with an “I’m sorry” to be safe. But the curses! They were there.
I’ve been following your updates on Twitter. Thank God for awesome parents and awesome husbands. I’m so glad you have them to help hold you up.
115. Kathy | May 19th, 2011 at 6:56 am
I’m so sorry that you are going through this at all, let alone twice in a row. I’ve unfortunately also been there, three times — each time the loss occurred after seeing perfectly fine heartbeats and growth, and I’d go in for a routine u/s and find no more heartbeat.It’s so incredibly heartbreaking and it makes subsequent pregnancies full of paranoia and fear. I hate that having losses really takes away your ability to “just relax” (ha!) and fully enjoy future pregnancies. I’m currently 10 weeks along and I pretty much walk into each ultrasound assuming it’s going to be bad news, just to steel myself. My last loss was at 13.5 weeks, after we’d most recently seen a perfect heartbeat at 11.5 weeks, so I feel like I’ll never reach a point when I feel like things are safe.
I wish I knew what it would be like to go in for a 7 week u/s, see a heartbeat, and start decorating a nursery/buying baby gear without ever thinking there wouldn’t be a real live baby in my arms 33 weeks later. Hang in there. As devastating as each of my losses has been, I also have an almost 3 year old so I know my body *can* (occasionally, if the planets are aligned) do this, and I choose to hope that it can do it one more time. But it’s incredibly hard. As you know.
116. melissa | May 19th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Hi, Jonna.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for both your losses. I’ve only commented a couple of times and know you don’t know me at all, but hope you know that the good thoughts of a stranger are with you. This sucks, but you are strong. You will be ok eventually. This, too, will pass. (I know it’s trite, but I find those words to be great consolation when I’m going through something sad.)
I want to say something eloquent about Sam and the joy she brings you, but I know that Sam might at times distract you from your sadness and at other times magnify it because you know how great kids are. Having my own kid makes it so much harder to think of loss. I am tempted to delete this because it sounds awkward, but…
In lieu of that, I wish you a speedy recovery and peace.
117. dbw | May 20th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
jonna,
i have been reading your blog for a while and you don’t know me, but i feel like i know you- we are so similar. and now, unfortunately, we have something else in common. i have a son who is a few months older than sam and last year, i had three consecutive miscarriages (2 d&cs needed). it was beyond hellish and there was really nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better.
but. i am pregnant again. 20 weeks along, so heading toward a (hopefully) happy ending. because i had three consecutive losses, i was referred to a recurrent loss doctor and went through a zillion tests. i was sure something was wrong with me. as it turns out, nothing was wrong. i was just really unlucky. i really hope these comments are sources of strength for you because i remember last year, i was desperate for stories of people who’d gone through >1 mc and had a healthy baby afterward. desperate.
this pregnancy has definitely been more anxiety-filled than ever, but i definitely second/third/fourth the people who suggested a heartbeat monitor. i borrowed one from a friend and it is just so reassuring. i really didn’t think i would ever get to the place i am now (emotionally healthier AND pregnant) but if i can do it, you can as well. thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
118. willikat | May 20th, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Noooo. I am so sorry. That’s not fair. Not at all. It SUCKS.
Don’t let the haters get you down. You can feel as crappy as you want and you don’t have to look for a silver lining right now. You can be grateful for your life and still profoundly sad and disappointed and scared.
Thinking of you.
119. Sarah in Huntsville | May 21st, 2011 at 9:49 am
I had two in a row, 11 weeks, then 13 weeks, eight months apart. And for a very long time, I felt like dickpunching everyone who said ANYTHING to me about it, because there was nothing they could say that either didn’t make me sneer at them in derision or cry. But I also wanted to facestab the people who just kind of ignored the whole thing.
(Logic was not part of my repertoire, is what I’m saying.)
So, to keep it simple: you don’t know me, but I’m thinking about you and your babies.
120. Annie | May 21st, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Thinking of you and your family.
Totally not even on the same level as your struggle AT ALL, but I am a type I diabetic and every once in a while when I get frustrated with maintaining my health every second of my life and someone says, “At least you don’t have cancer.” I want to kick them in the throat. Continuously.
I hope you feel better in all ways as soon as possible.
121. Erin | May 23rd, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Still thinking of you.
If there is anything an internet stranger 3000 miles away can do to help, please email me. It would be my pleasure to return some of the smiles and laughter you have given me through your writing.
122. Kerri Anne | May 23rd, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Just wanted to say I think you’re fantastic and if there is anything I can do (ANYTHING), say the word. Truly.
Thinking of you, babe.
123. serenity | May 23rd, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My SIL has a similar story – three miscarriages after my nephew, heartbeats, etc. D&E every time. I think she may have actually called herself a circus sideshow freak once or twice.
She got every test she could – saw both a RE and high risk OB. Turns out there was no rhyme or reason to it.
The good news is that my niece will turn 1 in July, and she’s gorgeous and thriving.
I really hope that you don’t have to deal with this again. Hugs.
xoxo
124. Crabby Apple Seed | May 23rd, 2011 at 3:22 pm
I’m so sorry.
I only had one loss between my two girls, but I DID get a few of the “you should be glad for the child you have” comments, and while they also filled me with rage, I know they also just genuinely HURT. of COURSE I appreciate and love my older daughter, and being sad over the loss of another takes nothing away from her.
it’s just an awful thing to say to a person, and I’m sorry it’s been said to you.
125. Birkenstock Outlet | May 27th, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I know they also just genuinely HURT. of COURSE I appreciate and love my older daughter, and being sad over the loss of another takes nothing away from her.
126. Jean S Scott | June 8th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
I am glad to hear you are doing better now than you were when you wrote this one.Grab your joy and squeeze it’s guts out.
127. Shana | June 8th, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Holy shit, dude. I quit reading all blogs for finals and recovery and all hell breaks loose. I am SO sorry. If it’s any consolation AT ALL, which I’m sure it’s not, I’m halfway through nursing school and have had, like, 2,000 speeches and lectures and readings on Therapeutic Communication (a.k.a. The Art of What Not to Ever, Ever, Every Say to Patients, and What to Say Instead). Your nurse needs a dickpunch, is what.
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131. Farrell | June 12th, 2011 at 8:14 am
” but for some reason, the majority of the stories I got in those first 24 hours were people trying to commiserate with me by sharing stories of how it happened to them/their sister/their sister’s friend/their friend and MY GOD, THE STORIES. Of how this happened, and the lonely horror that ensued! The DECADES of infertility and, in at least one case, DIVORCE. DIVORCE. “
People are stupid, often times. Those are exactly NOT the stories you need to hear. I experienced the same stupidity, but over a different situation. People are often clueless.
132. anna linn | June 12th, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Holy Crap is right! Who fucking needs/deserves this? Certainly not you. My heart aches for you. I have faith though. I believe you will have another baby eventually. And this shitty time will be part of the past. I TOTALLY get the Bad Place, but oh for other reasons. Drives me crazy to this day when people say, Oh but you Look so good or you are lucky it could be worse..
Screw everyone. Take care of yourself, Sam, Adam & Sunny. Keep the faith Jonna and please call me if you would like to crash here at the Cape for a weekend. Sam & Adam and Sunny…the more the merrier.
Miss you & Love you,
xo,
Anna Banana
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