Who needs titles when you’ve got Nyquil?
June 13th, 2011
Aaaand, we’re back. That was … special. Some of that is certainly sarcasm, but some of it is also that it WAS special. Honestly, it was fun. We had fun. Sam had a blast running around with her cousins, and even tried surfing a little, if by surfing, you mean standing on a boogie board while the waves came in and ran over her feet.
“I DID it, Mommy! I did it! Like TOODEE!” Oof, my heart. Kid was so proud of her surfing abilities, and honest to God, she really thought she was doing it. Also, errr, that’s how pervasive her Yo Gabba Gabba obsession runs, friends. There’s ONE episode (“Ride”) where Toodee goes surfing with Foofa’s big brother, Foofle (I cannot make this shit up, people), and Sam was OBSESSED with surfing like Toodee. She even made me sing the damn song while she did it. (“Surfing today, sunny day! Into the water to play!” And hahahahaha, I KNOW THE LYRICS OH MY GOD.)
It was actually quite sad that on our first day back, she woke up and asked to go to the beach. Oh darlin’. It’s not warm enough up here, yet.
The bad was … kind of really awfully bad. Over the course of the two weeks since we left our house, Sam had three (3) separate fevers, a horrid cough/cold (separate from the fevers!) and a – oh I can barely type it – a VAGINAL INFECTION FROM THE SAND-SLASH-SWIM DIAPER. HOLD ME. HOLD ME. All this, plus she slept in two separate hotels, a strange house, followed by a DIFFERENT strange house, along with a FOURTEEN HOUR DRIVE, split over two days. I mean, honestly, the kid was a hot fucking mess, and so was I.
I am not even going to pretend that I handled it well, because I didn’t. I cringe at how touchy I was on Wednesday — which, conveniently, was my day to cook dinner for everyone — and how I was chopping onions, sobbing while my kid sobbed and chased after me, stuck to me like glue. That morning, I’d lost it on my poor dad — AKA the man who requires the least amount of sleep of ANYONE I KNOW, EVER — because he rises at 5:30 or 6 and makes coffee, waking up the first floor. Meanwhile, he acquiesced to my demand to come out a LEETLE BIT later and guess what? Sam continued to wake at 6, exhausted and miserable, ANYWAY. (Note: I don’t mind the 6 a.m. wakings, except when they mean that she hasn’t gotten enough sleep, making our mornings EYE-POKINGLY MISERABLE, because all she wants to do is go back to bed, at like, NINE AM. But she won’t, natch, and besides, it would eff her nap for the day.)
Plus, I was alone. I’m alone a lot, obviously, as the primary at-home parent, but it’s too easy to discount the role that Adam plays at home and on the weekends. He plays with her the second he walks in the door. I get extra sleep on the weekends (we alternate days). I get nights out with my friends as often as I want. He can give her a bath if I’m feeling wiped out or lousy or just having a long, tired day, you know? He’s a great dad, and he does a lot, and GOD I MISSED HIM. All of him, obviously, not just the parts of him that help me out. To be clear.
(PS, he cleaned the WHOLE HOUSE while we were gone. I walked in to a SPOTLESS HOUSE. Who does that? HE DOES.)
(He also bought a new TV. Surprise! Oh, wait … )
I was just … alone. Not that my parents and siblings weren’t willing to help me — they WERE — but my kid was so disoriented and cranky and feeling so lousy that she wouldn’t let them touch her. NO ONE COULD TOUCH HER. For two. weeks. And not only was this sucktacular for me, but it was hardly the bonding experience with the rest of my family that you would expect, you know? I mean, the kid just RAGED any time anyone came near her — and this includes my paternal parents, who are the very same people who kept her for a WEEK without incident while we went to Vegas. Was bizarroland. And also, uhh, kind of sucky for all of us.
Mind you, I’m fully aware that single parents do this day in and day out (I WORSHIP AT YOUR FEET), but I will also say there is a difference between having velcro kid in a strange environment and just having a kid at home, doing her normal routine. It was kind of exhausting, and I kind of handled it pretty badly. I was loose with my emotions, and I kind of felt like everything was just there, bubbling so close to the surface that everything exploded at the slightest provocation.
And I just felt ungrateful and awful and UGHHHHH, I know, I sound like I’m just over here self-flagellating (I AM), but there’s something about parenting my kid at her worst in front of people I don’t normally live with, no matter how much they love me (and they do!), that makes me feel so exposed. Especially if those people are other parents and THEIR kids are acting like near-perfect children with only minor imperfections. Meanwhile, I had a kid with an INFECTED VAGINA, FOR THE LOVE.
This is one of those times where I can’t tell if it’s just the snowball effect of, you know, EVERYTHING, or if it was just, hello, a challenging situation that anyone would have broken down in. I was extra-weepy and I let myself lose it in situations — and in front of people — I normally wouldn’t. I mean, not that I’m afraid of being judged by my own FAMILY, but I guess I do have a thing against appearing weak and/or crazy and BELIEVE ME, FRIENDS, I WAS BOTH. Yet, I like to think it was the latter — that is, it was a normally shitty situation to lose it in — but I’m not entirely sure. One never knows these days.
Honestly about the Other Thing, I do feel better — I feel more ready to tackle what’s to come, and I feel more focused on what’s in front of me — the life part, that is. Honestly, I suppose it’s hard not to, when what’s in front of you is a sick toddler while you YOURSELF are hacking and wheezing, but strangely, I’ve got a lot of OTHER good stuff to focus on. Friends who claim to have missed me terribly (and I, them), new work projects, an entire summer to play in the water with my kid, an assload of books to read and the resurgence of the Book Lushes, which I SWEAR is coming, but HA HA, UNEXPECTED EVENTS have precluded that little project.
And, uhh, fertility work-up stuff. Again. But even that I feel relatively calm about at the moment. Apparently the whole “one day at a time” mantra really seems to be working. Recovery people! They know what they’re talking about.
Hey, have a happy Tuesday.
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Book Lushes,Books,Miscarriage
35 Comments Add your own
1. Carla Hinkle | June 13th, 2011 at 10:30 pm
All your Internet peeps missed you, too! Welcome back.
2. MakeDo | June 13th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Have never commented before, despite enjoying your blog tremendously, but OH YES I 100% understand what you’re talking about here!!!! For a variety of reasons I always have to travel with my kid to see my family and so they only see her away from her routine, her environment, our normal two-parent tag-team parenting awesomeness and usually with a hefty dose of some sickness she picked up along the way – and I feel so completely judged and that they don’t love my kid as much. And like a terrible parent because I’m tired from doing twice as much and don’t even have my normal routines and self-soothing stuff to get me back on track. Argh, it’s the WORST. Thanks for writing about it…
3. Heather | June 13th, 2011 at 10:54 pm
You have nothing but my understanding. I drove from Bethesda, Maryland to Naples, Florida with my oldest when he was 3. A little part of me died on that trip. Despite it being one of the best times I had with my son, I do not think we traveled again for MANY years.
And after driving from Maryland to Myrtle Beach with a 15 year old, a 1 year old and a 3 year old for a week long vacation (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) I will NEVER vacation with them again until they are 10 and 12. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Perhaps a weekend away to Lewes, DE. MAYBE.
I followed some of your trip tweets and was crinigng at the thought of a road trip with my boy. But then the fun parts are so FUN.
Glad you’re home safe and had a nice trip (for the most part)!
4. Elsha | June 13th, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I went to our family reunion last year without my husband and by about the 3rd day I was telling people I would never do that again. And my siblings kept saying things like, “but you have so much HELP with everyone here!” And I wanted to kick them because seriously? I was there with a nursing 7 month old and a newly potty trained barely 2 year old. No one was helping me with the baby in the middle of the night, no one was helping when the 2 year old got up at 6 am every day, no one was helping me make sure she didn’t have accidents, no one was helping me get them to sleep at night or naps. Having extra people around to hold the baby so I could pee is not the kind of help I needed.
5. Page | June 14th, 2011 at 2:20 am
Welcome home! Seriously, that sounds like an utterly exhausting experience. I hope you get some r&r now that you are home. Hugs your way.
6. Marie Green | June 14th, 2011 at 4:48 am
My family lives over 500 miles away, so we too spend a great deal of face-time with them with kids that are out of whack. What drives me crazy is that they get down on me for trying to put the kids to bed at a (somewhat) normal time or trying to get them to eat a NUTRIENT FTLOG, saying “Oh, let them be, they’re on vacation TOO”…. but then, when my over-tired, over-sugared kid(s) start to melt down somewhere along day 3, I get the feeling that they are like “UFFDA, what a HANDFUL”… UM? I’m not one to say my kids AREN’T handfuls, but COME ON. Let the poor child get some decent sleep and a couple of square meals before you start coming to conclusions.
SIGH.
It’s always worth it though. And like you, I know my family loves me AND my kids, and that in the end I don’t have to be so sensitive about what they THINK of us… but I AM. Sometimes, at least.
Also, I’m so glad that you’re back… and I hope that Sam has her Summer Illnesses outta the way now, so you can enjoy the rest of it sans fevers etc.
7. Marie Green | June 14th, 2011 at 4:50 am
Also, you can see that I got cocky and didn’t take that Unisom as planned… been up since before 4am my time. WILL I NEVER LEARN?? However, at least my kids aren’t here right now, so I can go back to bed when I get sleepy again (I’m guessing around 6:30) and sleep it off.
8. Amy (frugan) | June 14th, 2011 at 6:20 am
It was the situation. Okay, yes, things add up, and of course that had to be affecting you, but I can attest to the stress of caring for a two-year-old who will not be touched by another soul. It is upsetting on many levels: you have no freedom, you want them to be comfortable and not need you so intensely, you want your loved ones to experience the charming, comfortable, non-cranky toddler you know. And then add a little guilt for feeling irritated at all the above and it’s a mess.
Look, the fact that you even did a 14-hour road trip in the first place is commendable. If you didn’t lose your shit along the way (even without the freakin vaginal infection), I’d think you were crazy.
And you know what else? Thanks for being honest about how hard it was. As someone who often has the child who is not coping as well as the other kids in strange situations, I really appreciate you not pretending every second was magical beach adventure.
9. Dr. Maureen | June 14th, 2011 at 6:22 am
Uhhh, Jonna, I don’t know why you think you can just drop your responsibilities like this, no matter what else is going on. The Book Lushes should obviously be your TOP PRIORITY and we will not stand for it if you do not drop everything and get it back up and running. I mean, REALLY, Jonna. PRIORITIES.
(Glad to have you back in the internet! I think I would have killed myself if I had to drive to NC by myself with a toddler.)
10. Dr. Maureen | June 14th, 2011 at 6:23 am
And if you happen to care, your comment time stamp is off by an hour, because I most definitely am not writing this at 6:22am.
11. LizScott | June 14th, 2011 at 8:01 am
Yeah. This.I haven’t been the best version of myself lately, and feeling shitty about that is compounded by the knowing that other people have observed this. Insult to injury, indeed.
Sounds like a frustratingly long few weeks. Glad you’re back in the warm embrace of your blog and its merry band of commenters. You were missed
12. kathleen | June 14th, 2011 at 8:26 am
I don’t have a kid, but the last trip I went on I felt like this too: loose with my emotions, and I kind of felt like everything was just there, bubbling so close to the surface.
It made me feel like I was 13 again, and like I couldn’t just GET. A HOLD. OF. MYSELF and by day four of it I was crying because I was so sick of MY OWN COMPANY and so tired of being in my own head, my head full of stress and freak out and hurt feelings and yuck.
I hate that place, and hate it even more when it happens on vacation- when it’s supposed to be relaxing and fun and it’s something I’ve looked forward to.
That said- home! Home is good. And at least for me, the crazy passed, and I’m back to 29, not 13 and feel lucky to have people that tolerate my weepy, roller-coaster-y self.
13. Jenna | June 14th, 2011 at 9:31 am
Oh girl, this is rough stuff all around.
For some reason, falling apart, less-than-ideal parenting, less-than-ideal child behavior, all of it, is harder when my family is around. I KNOW they love me unconditionally but I just don’t want them to see THAT. I just don’t.
Plus I get extra ragey when I’m supposed to be relaxing, it’s SUPPOSED to be a vacation, but it’s way worse than just being at home b/c my toddler is clinging to me and glaring at beloved family members and not sleeping well and AGH.
All this is to say: I FEEL YOU.
14. Life of a Doctor's Wife | June 14th, 2011 at 10:47 am
Wow, that sounds horrendous! I’m so sorry you (and Sam) had to go through that when you were supposed to be on vacation. Argh.
Glad that you are home safe and can hopefully breathe for a while.
15. Deanna | June 14th, 2011 at 11:31 am
I can sympathize. We took our annual trip to the beach last year with our 13-month-old twins, thinking that it would be MUCH better than the previous year (we had been in the fall, when they were six months). HAHAHA. They hated the beach, hated the sand, the pool was cold, one was sick the first two days, then the other child got it, everyone was up past their bedtime and woke up at 5 a.m…..I could go on. We left a day and a half early, and this year, my husband and I went on a cruise, ALONE.
16. natalie | June 14th, 2011 at 11:51 am
I remember a Christmas weekend spent with family when my oldest was a toddler…everyone was having fun, laughing, talking, and I was stuck in another room because my son was tired, cranky, fussy, and being a total brat while my brothers kids were all sitting around the table! Ugh! Thankfully THAT stage doesn’t last long…then they become snarky teenagers. Hold me.
17. Reading (and chickens) | June 14th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
Sometimes in situations like this I need someone to step back and just say, “WHOA, you did an amazing job with this. You’re good at this mom thing, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”
So: I think you must ROCK this mom thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. And I’m a just an Internet stranger. I’m sure everyone around you who knows you thinks this, times a million.
18. Deb | June 14th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
My daughter had cloudy urine, so I took her to the doctor to see what was up. The doctor had to LOOK at her THERE, where she discovered some sort of girlie situation that required me to APPLY estrogen cream to my 4 year olds PARTS for TWO WEEKS.
Gah.
I die.
19. Amy K | June 14th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Yikes, welcome back from the great adventure! Did you know that Vans makes Yo Gabba Gabba toddler shoes? I ordered a pair of the Toodee ones last week, and I can’t wait for them to arrive because my daughter’s mind is going to be blown.
20. Jen | June 14th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Welcome back, friend! I can only imagine how happy you must be to be HOME, back in the land of the regular NAP and the comfort of your long house! Hope Sam is feeling better.
I, for one, will completely agree that parenting in those situations SUCKS. You are just trying to do your best and it just feels like you have an audience. Gah. I hate that.
Glad to have you back in the land of Twitter and blog
21. Jen | June 14th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Oh and hello I know you do not live in a LONG HOUSE. Ha.
22. Christine | June 14th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I am sorry that you felt out of sorts and that Sam had such a rough time. Ugh to the infection and then the fevers and the coughing, I’m tired just thinking of it. No wonder she was crabby!
I think what I really took from this is though, I want an Adam. Really? Clean house…I swoon from the thought of it.
Hugs all around. Glad you’re back!
23. jonniker | June 14th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Reading & chickens, you are awfully nice. It’s so hard to tell, obviously, what kind of parent I REALLY am, because it’s all filtered through my lens, you know? But man, do I appreciate the sentiment.
Also, Amy K HOLY SHITBALLS, the YGG Vans. But sizing starts at 10.5, and she’s only an 8. I’ve never wished for her feet to grow faster before, but here I am! Grow feet, grow!
24. Amy K | June 14th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
They have toddler 8s, because that’s what I ordered. I think most of the toddler sizes are out of stock on the Vans site, but I ordered mine from ridefourever.com and used coupon code 15SS for 15% off (not affiliated, blah blah). Here’s the link: http://www.ridefourever.com/see/vans_classic/yo_gabba_gabba_slipon_toodee
25. KT | June 15th, 2011 at 10:54 am
Yikes that sounds like quite the trying “vacation.” Hopefully Sam is in a better mood next time family comes around!
26. Jen | June 15th, 2011 at 11:17 am
You are my hero for traveling alone with your kid. Seriously. I don’t think I would even attempt it. Glad you all made it home in relatively one piece
27. Kari | June 15th, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I have so been there with the crazy parenting while traveling alone/they probably aren’t judging me/but they probably should be. Gah!
I had one miserable long ass weekend in Boston a few years ago. I was scarred. Luckily, I don’t think my daughter was.
She’s six now, and it is soooooooooooo much easier. Also, I seem to have shed the psycho thing. These two things might or might not be related.
I’m glad you are feeling better. Your writing makes me smile. And snort out loud.
28. Farrell | June 15th, 2011 at 7:56 pm
1. you have a GOOD husband – he’s a keeper!
2. Kids – esp. v. young kids – can act weird on vacation in new environments, maybe even new time zones, new routine, etc. and then to add on top of it infections and fevers and messed up sleep schedule – well UGH.
3. You just had a miscarriage. You are still hormonal. You have every right to lose it/feel like you’re not handling it/be extra emotional. It’s ok. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
29. Margie | June 15th, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Oh, how i hear you out here, and oh how normal that sounds. My husband also is seriously wonderful and I also stay home with my two year-old and do work in the cracks. We’ve had a series of him being gone, us all being gone, a quick stint of us being together at home, then he was only gone for a couple of days, AND we were at home, but as I type this he is in with her, trying unsuccessfully to get her to go to sleep and I am out here on the internet with a cosmo because I was weepy by the time he got home. And all has been fine otherwise, generally speaking. It’s just a lot when you have an out of sorts small person depending on you for everything (and we were with my family yesterday and she also wouldn’t let any of them touch her or even look at her really, and I also felt that vague pressure you describe). Man is it good to have hubby back, but oh how I’m dreading the next trip away, which comes this weekend!
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