Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise
June 23rd, 2011
Well! As it turns out, my tubes ‘n utes are all clear. Or at least, they are now. I got the old song and dance about how I’m getting an extra fertility boost, thanks to tubes that are freshly flushed! And then I had to explain that no, really, GETTING pregnant is not my problem, man, so even if my tubes are lubed up with an entire gallon of baby sauce, it’s KEEPING THEM that seems to be an issue. Or isn’t. Oh, I don’t even know anymore. Two miscarriages could mean DOOM! and BAD THINGS! or it could just be dumb-shit luck. You don’t know.
What I DO know is that despite Julie’s terrifying warning to me that the HSG was the single most painful gynecological procedure she’s ever had (AND THIS IS JULIE, PEOPLE), it … well, it was pretty much not that bad. I thought the whole washing of the cervix (with special soap and a … brush?) was going to be painful, along with the insertion of a balloon (YES REALLY) and a catheter (NOT THAT KIND) was going to hurt like a bitch, but instead, I felt nothing. “You’re done?” I chirped hopefully. “Uhhh, not at all,” came the reply.
It was a crazy surreal experience — and one that I now CLEARLY remember having before, albeit in a much different setting — having dye shot through my uterus and tubes and watching it go sliding on in as I, um, felt it, in the form of creepy, awful cramping. Not super-painful, necessarily, just CREEPY, knowing that there was this bright-orange iodine solution causing my discomfort and I could actually WITNESS IT. I suppose it’s why I never wanted to stick my hand down there while I was in labor, nor did I have any interest in the mirror. I’m cool with pain, so long as I don’t actually see where it’s coming from. Because EW.
What turned out to be much more miserable was the recurrent loss blood work-up I had done a full two hours later, which involved so much blood that they treated me like I was a donor. Juice, cookies, the whole nine yards. It was … kind of absurd, woozy-making and resulted in a butterfly-shaped bruise and a sore arm. Dye through the utes? Painless. Bloodwork? HOURS OF AGONY. WTF.
I might find out what, if anything, is going on as soon as tomorrow — at least part of the story, anyway — and I’m both nervous and excited and a little freaked out overall. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have no idea if I’m 100% ready to get back into this circus. I know that I’ll wait at least a few months before hopping on the train, because you guys, I’ve been pregnant, or recovering from being pregnant, since last November. It’s JUNE. That’s eight months of my body going through a shit-ton of roller coasters, both physically and emotionally, and it’s … well, it’s a ride I am ready for the RESULTS of, but not the actual RIDING THEREOF. What I would like to do is be put into a coma during any future pregnancies — oh, and put Sam on ice, too — and then wake up and resume my life with two children, unaware of the process of getting there entirely.
Also, let’s be honest, I’ve just lost thirteen pounds through some serious blood, sweat and sinuses. I’m down a pants size. Am I all that jazzed about getting into a pair with a waistband that can only be described as VOLUMINOUS?
(Well, kind of. MAN.)
I tell you what this whole thing has cured me of: any desire whatsoever to have a third child. Once I have a second, God willing? DONE. DONE. DONE. So hilariously finished, I can’t even tell you. I don’t have the stomach for this. I cannot imagine doing this a third time. I can’t. Once was worth it, OBVIOUSLY. Twice is something I believe strongly in and want desperately. I know I can’t guarantee how I’ll feel a third time, but after this? HAAAAA NO. I am somewhat grateful that I feel this way, because I think two is an appropriate limit for me, time-wise and finance-wise, and yet honestly, I love being a mom so goddamned much that I would legitimately consider having an entire basketball team of them if it were remotely practical for us. And you know, if I’d started procreating at 23 instead of 33.
The other thing is, dude, the babysitter. I love her, Sam loved her, she emptied my dishwasher (?!) and it was perfect. I COULD GET HOOKED ON THIS. I find myself wanting to push Adam to get a major promotion so that we can hire someone more often without requiring me to work! I could have a nanny AND be a stay-at-home mom! Real Housewives of Boston’s Western Suburbs, here I come! But seriously, she was fantastic. And surprisingly, she did NOT abscond with my daughter! Whaaaaat?
Listen, I hope you have a great weekend. I’ll be catching up on email and reading A Discovery of Witches, which I LOVE.
*Avett Brothers
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,Infertile Myrtle,Miscarriage
36 Comments Add your own
1. Sarah | June 23rd, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Huh, both I and a friend of mine have had the HSG done, but we were under sedation. It was never even suggested to us that we be awake for the procedure. I actually had mine immediately following a D and C for an early miscarriage, so I FOR SURE wanted to be out of it for the whole shebang. My friend has hers during fertility workup, though, and she got knocked out too. Did you not have… anything?
I wonder, were you awake during D and C’s too? Cause I’ve had two, with two different doctors, and they both recommended anesthesia or at least heavy sedation, which was what I opted for.
2. A'Dell | June 23rd, 2011 at 11:06 pm
That is EXACTLY how my HSG went down. It was mildly uncomfortable, but mostly just odd. And then they didn’t find anything which was both good (woo! clear tubes!) and bad (then…what is it?).
This whole process blows. But, one step closer to the goal? That’s always how I tried to think of it. Thinking good thoughts for you on your gallon of bloodwork. Were the cookies good, at least?
3. Erin | June 24th, 2011 at 12:01 am
Oh, Jonna. I just love you.
Now, that looks like creepy internet stalker, but I promise that is not how I mean it. lol
Rest up, take care of you. I’m sending good vibes your way!
4. Elsha | June 24th, 2011 at 12:29 am
Okay, here’s my question: when do they consider it “recurrent loss?” I just had my second miscarriage and the doctor didn’t seem concerned about possible causes or anything. But maybe that’s because I’ve also had two successful pregnancies? (Not that I’m particularly interested in having to do these procedures. And I’ve already had the clotting panel done.)
Interestingly enough, this miscarriage was what pushed me from “yeah, probably a third child. Sometime. Not too soon.” to “Oh definitely yes and the sooner the better.” I was just so excited when I found out (big fat surprise since I was on birth control) that I can’t imagine not pursuing it now.
Anyway, enough with my life story. Glad things went well with the HSG. And with the babysitter.
5. Erin | June 24th, 2011 at 12:43 am
My HSG wasn’t super painful either, uncomfortable & awkward (I had to tilt around a little) and I had been all worried about super pain!
I hope your results are full of good information and positive ways forward.
6. Jennie | June 24th, 2011 at 12:48 am
She did the dishes? SEND HER TO ME RIGHT NOW.
7. Carla Hinkle | June 24th, 2011 at 1:40 am
Didn’t I tell you that the Necessity Babysitter is like the babysitter gateway drug???
8. Annie | June 24th, 2011 at 7:03 am
One of the reasons I love your blog? You reference the Real Housewives in one sentence, and then use the word “abscond” in the next. Love it.
9. jonniker | June 24th, 2011 at 7:36 am
First, Elsha, I’m so sorry for your losses. Secondly, I think it depends on the doctor, the personal history of the patient, age and a lot of other factors. I don’t have the strongest fertility history — my number of pregnancies greatly outweighs the number of live births I’ve had by a number that makes me kind of cringe.
Some doctors test after two consecutive miscarriages, some wait until three. But again, I think it’s a patient history thing more than anything.
Bear in mind, too, that statistically, I am more likely to find out nothing from these tests than I am to get any answers.
Oh, and Sarah, I had nothing for my HSG. Just four ibuprofen, which I pounded about an hour beforehand. As for my D&C’s, OH HO, I was out like a light. I had that creepy thing that is almost general anesthesia, but isn’t.
10. Jana | June 24th, 2011 at 8:08 am
Fingers crossed that the HSG does the trick for you like it did for me. I got pregnant with my son right after mine (super painful for me, btw, but maybe because I had a c-section before and my girly parts weren’t used to something so traumatic). As for having a third kid after all sorts of fertility issues….well, we were surprised with #3 a mere 18 months after the above-mentioned son was born. Seems the HSG really cleared things out.
11. jonniker | June 24th, 2011 at 8:14 am
Nah, Jana, they don’t think I had a blockage — I get pregnant now easily, but I don’t hold on to them. So even if it made it easier for me to GET pregnant, that isn’t my problem, alas.
12. Ris | June 24th, 2011 at 10:28 am
When I used to babysit I’d almost always do *something* to tidy up a bit, especially if the kid was asleep/otherwise occupied. I just always felt like hey, I can only wander around your house looking at pictures and your books for so long. Let me earn my keep a bit here (yes I am a total type-A square). It sounds like she’s probably pretty quality and you should keep her forever.
13. Kristabella | June 24th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Dear Jonna’s ladybits, please start cooperating. Thanks.
Also, Discovery of Witches IS SO GOOD!
But, the author is on Twitter. Just an FYI.
14. Sarah | June 24th, 2011 at 1:16 pm
I’m glad that you got a better deal that Julie set you up for. Mine was painful like Julie’s.
And yeah, they always give that song and dance about enhanced fertility. I genuinely wonder who it works for. I got pg three cycles later but it was a flash in the pan and didn’t get pg again, despite treatment, for another 18 months. So yeah, not so helpful.
I hope you get some answers soon that you can actually do something about.
15. Natalie | June 24th, 2011 at 1:20 pm
I’m glad things look good!
16. Gaby | June 24th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
I laughed at the babysitter emptying your dishwasher because my mother-in-law, who watches my son on Thursdays, will do this once in a while, and it inevitably leads to me needing to do a scavenger hunt in my own kitchen to find our stuff! She seemingly places items wherever she was closest to at the moment–knives in the utensils crock, not the knife block RIGHT NEXT TO the crock! Mixing bowls in a cabinet with nothing but pans in it! The list goes on and on. It makes me seem ungrateful for her help, but honestly, it takes me so long to track everything down, I’d rather she just watch some tv instead. Hoping that your lady does not take it upon herself to hide your dishes should she watch Sam again.
17. drhoctor2 | June 24th, 2011 at 8:06 pm
I wish you the most uncomplicated second baby having situation possible. So sorry for your loss and the fear and anxiety after wards.
On a humorous note, are you SURE your sitter didn’t abscond with your baby becos she didn’t measure up to her abscondability standards ? There has to be a mom group somewhere that would debate that with you. “Oh, sure, YOU can hire a sitter, no worries, but WE could never take the chance of our precious being taken based on the perfection of OUR child !! Who could resist? They couldn’t possibly have one as good as ours.
18. Suki | June 24th, 2011 at 9:02 pm
My HSG was much like yours- crampy, uncomfortable and weird, but not too painful. Now the two hysteroscopies I had? Both incredible painful for me, but apparently not for others. I have a decent pain tolerance and try not to complain about medical procedures, so I just lay there with tears streaming down my face and the doctor apologizing over and over because he knew that if I was reacting that way I must be in a lot of pain. Man, the things we go through for babies.
19. Lippy | June 24th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Excellent babysitter! Glad there was no absconding. Hopefully you can get some answers that are helpful.
20. Mama in the City | June 25th, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I had two losses in a row, one at 12 weeks then 9 weeks. Had the whole recurrent loss blood work and I so agree…it feels like pints of blood being taken from you. I was happy to hear my results came back normal…especially as it took so long to get them that I was already pregnant again. Carried that pregnancy along and had a baby. Hope you get similar news!
21. cindy w | June 26th, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Glad to hear that you got the “all clear” (so to speak) from the doc’s office. I know several people who’ve had multiple miscarriages for some unknown reason & then carried a baby to term with no problem. It’s anecdotal evidence, I know, but it does happen, and I wish the same for you.
About the baby-sitter: I will admit to having a baby-sitter 2 days a week when I wasn’t working, because good LORD it helped my sanity to have that little kid-free break. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
But when you mentioned the nanny/stay-at-home mom thing, I have to share this because it absolutely baffles me: a friend of mine has one child (a 3 year-old girl), she & her husband aren’t planning on having any more kids, she doesn’t work, and… she just hired a full-time, live-in nanny. That kind of killed me. I mean, nevermind the fact that my friend doesn’t have a job, she can’t let the nanny go home at the end of the day? She has to LIVE in their HOUSE? And for ONE kid?? I really honestly try not to judge other people’s parenting choices, I really do, but that? I don’t get it.
22. Jessica | June 27th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Ok, by no mean do I mean this to be a “this is what’s wrong” or “gee, have you thought of this” reply, but, I’ve wanted to share with you my mom’s story since you shared about for first miscarriage.
My mom had me, at 30, and I was, apparently, a completely normal pregnancy and delivery. About a year later, my mom got pregnant, and carried the baby (I believe) between 12 and 15 weeks. She had a miscarriage, and actually delivered the fetus in our bathroom in the middle of the night.
About a year later, she got pregnant again. This time, I don’t think she got past 10 weeks, and again, miscarried. I don’t think there was any bathroom delivery for that one, though.
Her problem, similar to you, is that she didn’t have a problem getting pregnant, just STAYING pregnant. Turns out, her progesterone levels would drop a couple weeks into her pregnancy, and they weren’t high enough to keep the baby. To have my sister, she had to get weekly progesterone injections (I actually remember being little and going to our family friends house who was a nurse and watching my mom and her big belly get the injections). Anyway, 4 years and 6 days after I was born, my sister came into the world. The only side effect? My sister is kinda hairy. Nothing side-show like, just thicker hair and a little lady mustache (she’d kill me for sharing that!).
So, I guess the moral of this reply is that I hope they are able to figure it out for you and that you are able to grow you family, cause I know having a sister is the best.
Good luck!
23. Kath | June 27th, 2011 at 12:55 pm
I read Discovery of Witches for a review on Blogher (can I plug? http://www.blogher.com/discovery-witches-my-discovery-new-genre?from=bookclub) I loved it. I had never read anything like it before. The best part is = trilogy!
Kath
24. Rachael | June 27th, 2011 at 9:01 pm
I hate being the person who comments with the “me too, let me tell you…” But…. me too–and it was 3 miscarriages (and then 4) before they would “diagnose” me with recurrent MC–probably b/c I had one kid that was so easy to conceive and deliver (via emergency C-section!–easy!). My new doctor put me on a medication (v-suppository, and yuck) that contained progesterone “to see what happens” with pg # 6 and it worked. I don’t know if it was the meds or a placebo…it makes no difference now. But, I wish I had taken it with pg #2 and #3…hindsight being what it is. Anyway, you probably already know about it (luteal phase defect is what we assumed I have) –but I started taking immediately after seeing 2 lines and I believe that it made a world of difference. Good luck and take care of yourself–it is really hard to go through and I don’t think we will go for a third!
25. Maya | June 28th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I also heart you, not in the creepy stalker way but in the “man, do I wish we could hang out and drink wine” – and I think 2 is a great number of kids.
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