Sunglasses at Night
June 29th, 2011
Whenever Adam or I is at a drugstore without the other, we usually pick up a treat for the other person — you know, like a magazine or some Starburst or something little and lame. A few times, recently, he’s brought me home Cosmo. This tickles me on a thousand levels, because I can’t remember a time that I ever bought Cosmo on the reg, but when I DID, I was most definitely in my 20s, and likely the EARLY portion of the decade. How else could I put up with “reader questions” such as this gem, in the beauty section?
Q: What kind of jewelry should I wear with my bikini?
A: Colorful feather necklaces! They’re in and their tropical vibe is perfect for a day at the beach or pool. Layer on a few!
YOU GUYS. Jewelry. With a bikini. I CANNOT EVEN. Feather necklaces. With a bikini. And, I’m guessing, horridly high platforms and full make-up a la Gretchen Rossi, which means that the vast majority of Cosmo readers are living a far more glamorous life than I was. Or it’s aspirational bullshit. Yes, that’s it. ASPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT.
(I mean, right? Do YOU wear feather necklaces with your bikini?) (Is it wrong of me to laugh?)
It then goes on for an entire magazine, telling you how to meet, hook and please your man (give him extended orgasms!), while at the BACK of the magazine, explaining that sometimes, grooms kill their brides on the honeymoon. What makes them do it? AN IN-DEPTH LOOK. So meet him! Hook him! Give him extended orgasms! BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO NOT LET HIM KILL YOU. GROOMS ARE DEADLY.
It’s a wonder ANYONE survives their twenties, really. The way Cosmo paints it, it is both frivolous and fraught with danger, in equal measure. And that’s probably the way it felt for me, too, but I will concede that I rarely wore a bikini, and if I did, I SURE AS SHIT was not contemplating what kind of JEWELRY to wear.
Although the murderous trajectory WOULD explain Adam’s recent addiction to the Investigation Discovery channel, wouldn’t it? He’s trying to figure out how to get away with it, Murder by Numbers-style.
(Remember that? With Ryan Gosling, who then dated Sandra Bullock? Also, Michael Pitt, who was SO GROSS back then, but is strangely attractive, albeit not my type, in Boardwalk Empire?)
Ahhh, Cosmo. I have four back issues to read through and catch up on the latest vibrator technology AND learn about sociopaths whose sole purpose in life is to stalk and kill young women. Perfect.
Meanwhile, I have TOLD y’all that I’m reading Discovery of Witches and I think you should ALL read it and then join me as I, quite literally in the actual definition of the word ‘literal’, FAN MYSELF WITH MY KINDLE, because Matthew Clairmont makes Edward Cullen and Eric Northman look like WEE LITTLE BOYS with no SKILLZ.
(FAN MYSELF WITH THE KINDLE.)
I’ve got to go to bed, because witnessing some ABSURDLY ABSURD Twitter drama (WHY?) has kept me up far too late, but I’m going to the eye doctor tomorrow, and am seriously considering prescription sunglasses. The older I get, the drier my eyes get, and I CANNOT TAKE it anymore, nor can I take NOT wearing sunglasses. On the one hand, prescription seems like a reasonable solution. On the other, let’s be honest, I BREAK THEM ALL THE TIME. The Target ones anyway. I mean, would I be ANY GENTLER with prescription ones?
Help me, Internet.
*Corey whatsisface Hart. SRSLY
Entry Filed under: Adam,General jackassery
43 Comments Add your own
1. Wendryn | June 29th, 2011 at 11:55 pm
I just read the first part of this to my husband because he asked why I was laughing so hard. Heh.
I get glasses with clip on sunglasses that make me very happy. The magnet is part of the glasses frame. Even if I lose them or break them, I can get the sunglasses part replaced without having to get new prescription glasses. I’ve had them for 5 years and I really like them.
Thank you for making me laugh!
2. Brenna | June 30th, 2011 at 12:00 am
I buy my prescription sunglasses online at Zenni. I usually get 4 or 5 pairs at a time ( flat rate shipping!) for about $100. When I’m down to the last pair, I order another batch.
3. Nancy | June 30th, 2011 at 12:03 am
I wear glasses all the time and I have the transition lenses and I love them. I feel like breakages are less likely since you’re not having to take them off and leave them somewhere. It is just awesome not having to worry about sunglasses at all when I go outside.
4. gwyneth colleen | June 30th, 2011 at 12:05 am
i have prescription sunglasses…i just bought cheap/cute ebay sunnies and sent them off to 39dollarglasses.com to have the lenses put in. (waited for a discount code/sale. one pair cost only $40 to have prescription lenses put in!)
5. Lara | June 30th, 2011 at 12:13 am
Wouldn’t wearing a feather necklace with a bikini give a rather odd tan line?
I watched the insanity on twitter tonight too and it was, indeed, ABSURD. The thing I think bothered me the most was the people who seemed to ENJOY it. It was awful, yet I think I sensed SMILES behind some tweets (not from either of the two main parties, but from spectators). Yuck.
That’s when I had to turn it off and go read my book so I can be that much closer to starting Witches. Yay, I’m looking forward to it!
6. Lynnette | June 30th, 2011 at 12:21 am
Oh, man. You WOULD entirely sell me on a book that costs $15 even on Kindle. Perhaps do a half-assed resurrection of the Book Lushes for it? Then I can think of it like a textbook, which is always expensive.
I have had the same prescription sunglasses for 5 years, despite always losing or breaking them in the past. I switch between regular and sunglasses in a case that fits either. My kingdom for LASIC!
7. Betsy | June 30th, 2011 at 12:33 am
I just went to the eye doctor today wanting prescription sunglasses. Of course the only pair in the place that look good on my oddly-shaped head are Coach brand. Of course. I too cannot keep track of sunglasses, so I’m torn. I’m curious about some of the online options others have mentioned though.
8. Crystal_m_k | June 30th, 2011 at 1:05 am
I second zennioptical.com
I bought reg glasses and love them! You can get any of them in sunglasses. The wait is about 2 weeks but I wasn’t bothered because they were only $39!! Shipped! And the most expensive pair!
9. Jen | June 30th, 2011 at 1:09 am
True story: Murder By Numbers was filmed in my wee-small home/college town. I was writing for the college paper then, and it was a Very Big Deal. You can even see lots of shots of the restaurant Roth worked at when we were in college. I heard “stories” about Sandra and Ryan and the crew partying all night in some of our dive bars.
10. Kate | June 30th, 2011 at 3:09 am
No. No, no, no. Just….NO. Feathers with bikinis?? Srsly.
And you should know better than to recommend a book anywhere near me. click Added to my Goodreads list.
11. Kristin H | June 30th, 2011 at 8:09 am
I LOVE my prescription sunglasses. Does that mean I’m old? I thought I was just making sure I didn’t kill anyone when I drive.
(They go perfectly with my feather…ahahahaha, I can’t even type that without laughing.)
12. Swistle | June 30th, 2011 at 8:21 am
I JUST THIS MORNING, within the last 30 minutes, ordered my first pair of prescription sunglasses! I’ve been sitting at the pool and DYING from brightness. I got them from ZenniOptical.com so they were, like, $7, plus $5 for the sunglasses tint.
I remember REVELING in Cosmo when I was in high school. I thought of it as a window into grown-up woman life. Sigh.
13. Swistle | June 30th, 2011 at 8:23 am
(One problem with Zenni is not being able to try on. But because I have a ton of regular non-sunglasses prescription glasses from them already, I just got the same as my favorite pair of those, but tinted with sunglasses tint.)
14. Natalie | June 30th, 2011 at 8:49 am
you are so funny!
15. Jessie | June 30th, 2011 at 8:59 am
I remember when I realized I had outgrown Cosmo – it was the same time I finally felt like a real adult. That magazine is nonsense!
I saw you talking about A Discovery of Witches on Twitter and needed a good book for a long train ride, so I got it. I just finished it last night. While I enjoyed it – it was a fun, quick read – I did find the author a little heavy handed with the obvious foreshadowing, and there were lots of things that reminded me of other vampire series out there. Still, it was fun for what it was, and I’m looking forward to the next book in the trilogy. (You’ll have to let us know what you think of the ending. I won’t share my thoughts because I don’t want to spoil it, but it’s interesting reading now peoples’ thoughts about how it ended.)
16. Maura | June 30th, 2011 at 9:10 am
I just bought Discovery of Witches. I’ve been on a reading bender lately. I’ve finished 4 or 5 books in 2 weeks. Of course, three of them were Crack For the 30-Something Soul (romantic fiction a la Jill Mansell) It’s ridiculous (proposing before you’ve even kissed? Wha?) but I can’t get enough.
When I wore glasses (as opposed to contacts) I had to break down and get Rx sunglasses. It was so annoying to switch back and forth, though. I didn’t used to be bad at losing my sunglasses, but somehow I am now.
17. Lippy | June 30th, 2011 at 9:20 am
Corey Hart and Cosmo? I am 18 again! What I love about the jewelry question and the feather answer is that no one expects anyone to actually go swimming. I am sure that would mess the hair and make-up. I use to have a subscription, so sad for my 20 year old self.
18. jonniker | June 30th, 2011 at 9:27 am
Jessie, I totally agree that it’s heavy-handed and borrows from the genre repeatedly, but in a weird, absurd way, that is part of why I love it. It’s obvious that Harkness is a fan of vampire lit, but she borrows the best of the legend, as modernized by Rice, Harris, Meyer and everyone else, and (hold me for saying this) MAKES IT HER OWN.
Love,
The Randy Jackson of book reviewers
19. Lauren | June 30th, 2011 at 9:42 am
I found that once I decided to actually invest in a “nice” pair of sunglasses, I was far less likely to lose or break them. Plus the prescription ones usually come in nice cases which protect them so they last longer. Very helpful for those of us prone to sitting on them…
Also, jewelry with a bathing suit? Oh Cosmo, you SLAY me!
20. Josefina | June 30th, 2011 at 9:50 am
I don’t know what I would even DO if I saw a girl walking around in a bikini with a feather necklace.
Probably wrap my cardigan a little tighter around myself? Straighten my glasses? One of those.
21. Mel | June 30th, 2011 at 10:01 am
OK now I have to read it too.
And the drama last night OH the drama, that kept me up past my bedtime too!
22. H | June 30th, 2011 at 10:12 am
If my 20 year old daughter ever wears a feather necklace with her bikini, I … I just don’t know what I would do. HELP ME if my son shows up with a girl wearing one. Can you imagine??
After 31 years without glasses (I had to wear them through 8th grade), I just broke down and had my eyes checked and got glasses. Thank you for posting this because the doctor told me to start wearing sunglasses and it looks like there are some inexpensive options out there.
23. Kristabella | June 30th, 2011 at 10:46 am
“Matthew Clairmont makes Edward Cullen and Eric Northman look like WEE LITTLE BOYS with no SKILLZ”
THIS. YES. A hundred times YES! I cannot wait for the next book!!!
24. Renee from GA | June 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am
While prescription sunglasses are a PITA to switch back and forth from when walking into stores, etc., before I got them I had not realized how much I had been SQUINTING. The skin around my eyes really appreciated it when I stopped squinting. A friend had problem with progressives adjusting too slowly but we are in the ultra sunny south, YMMV.
The Twitter drama? I, too, was shamelessly rubbernecking (TM you, yes?) and all I can say is, OY.
25. PinkieBling | June 30th, 2011 at 11:20 am
Cosmo makes me gag, for the exact reasons you described above. I bought A Discovery of Witches last night, while also watching the dramz unfold (WHY, indeed). I think you would take extra care of your prescription sunglasses. I’m a chronic (ha) sunglass breaker/loser, but the two times I have dropped Serious Cash on eye-doctor sunglasses, I’ve had them for years.
26. SwingCheese | June 30th, 2011 at 11:29 am
I was apprehensive for the same reasons when I got prescription sunglasses. Added to that was the reason I was in a position to consider new glasses – my son had gleefully snapped my previous pair in half. The sunglasses were thrown in at half-off, so I went for it, and I have never regretted it. Ever. I wear them constantly, and probably because I’m very aware of how much they cost, I always know where they are and take good care of them.
27. Sarah | June 30th, 2011 at 12:18 pm
After contemplating them for years, I finally broke down and bought some transitions lenses this summer. I LOVE them – no taking glasses on/off when I’m chasing the 2yr old out and in and back out of the house again. Or going to the store…seriously, last summer I just gave up and wore my sunglasses into the store becasue I didn’t have the time (or memory?) to put regular glasses on. I do keep a pair of presription sunglasses in the car, though, because the transitions lenses don’t get dark in the car.
28. Nothing But Bonfires | June 30th, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Apart from three thousand other reasons why I would never wear a FEATHER NECKLACE with my BIKINI OMG, is that it seems highly, highly impractical, no? Feathers are delicate and wispy, and if you were doing any of the things you’re actually wearing the bikini for in the first place, they would get a) wet, and b) all gunked up with sun tan lotion (with a possible c) sandy, if you were on the beach.)
Oh, young people! Whither goest thou, with thou feather necklaces in the night?
29. marci | June 30th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Yes Zenni is awesome, but I agree with the problem of not being able to try on. I have one pair that looked cute online & looks dreadful on my face. But they were $12, so whatever, and they will refund you 1/2 of your money back. I bought 1 pair of subscription sunglasses, but more often I wear the magnetic clip-on sunglasses that came with my glasses. Granted, I’m on my 4th set of clip-ons & need to buy some more, but they are only $5, and come off quickly when you need them to (like when you’re driving & go into a tunnel or parking garage).
30. Tamara | June 30th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I love the idea of my 15 year old self getting one of those feather necklaces and jumping in the pool only to come out of the pool looking like a flat chested wet bird. Because come on. That totally would have been me.
31. Alice | June 30th, 2011 at 1:42 pm
i was gifted a subscription to cosmo by a friend once, and while i’d avidly read many issues on occasion throughout my early twenties, that was the first time i’d ever read.. like.. ALL of them. in a row. it turns out there really are not that many different ways you can write an article on “10 NEW ways to please your man!!!!!!!!!!”
32. Suebob | June 30th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
This is absurd. Feather necklace with a bikini! No way. I always wear puka shells with my bikini. It’s a classic, like pearls and a twin set. (The last bikini I owned was when I was about 17, actually).
Dry eyes? Me too! The best eye drops, hands down, are Blink. I have tried them all and it is the best. I have bottles of it everywhere. I hate the dry eyes but apparently nothing can be done. I tried the tear duct plugs for the low low price of $1200 and they fell out within the month. Totally worth it, right?
33. Jamie | June 30th, 2011 at 2:48 pm
I never contemplated accessorizing my bikinis in my twenties b/c I was too pre-occupied with figuring out how to avoid actually wearing the aforementioned bikini in public.
Actually, I’m still doing that. Should make the South Pacific honeymoon interesting. Obviously I should just get a feather necklace and call it done.
34. Leigh | June 30th, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Vampire lit? Oh dear. What does it reveal about me that this genre…oh jeez…there’s an enitre “genre,” huh? Leaves me cold. Am I uptight and lacking in imagination?
I would not watch True Blood at all actually, if it were not for that sex-on-a-stick called “Eric.” Well, and Lafayette. And that teenaged vampire. Oh, also the guy they killed off on “Southland;” love him.
Oh, this is how it starts, no? I did enjoy Anne Rice back in the day. Maybe I should give this another chance…
35. Ali V | June 30th, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Prescription sunglasses have SET ME FREE. Silly I know, but the simple luxury of being able to both see and not squint has made me very very happy. And I’ve manage not to break them for a solid 6 months through religious use of a glasses case, something I never deigned to use before. It works better than my previous strategy of dumping cheap sunglasses in my giant purse and hoping for the best.
36. Karen | July 1st, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Are you about to get me hooked on another series of books? Yes, I believe you are. Thanks!
(Hopefully, it won’t keep me from my ASkars/True Blood addiction!)
37. TwoBusy | July 2nd, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Feather necklace? Obviously, no. But feather earrings and some thick, serious gold ropes? Now you’re talkin’ Mr. T at the poolside… and there’s nothing in the world more right than that.
38. regan | July 3rd, 2011 at 10:25 pm
I would never wear feather jewelry with my bikini because they would clash with the feather extensions I have in my hair. Duh.
39. Kerri Anne | July 6th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
I’m SO glad Regan brought up the feather hair extensions because…WHAT? I mean what are those? And whyyyy? I mean, sure, I love singing along to Ke$ha as much as the next girl (or as much as the next girl loves to hate her), but I’ve seen myriad women with feather extensions, ranging in age from 18 to 40. I just…I don’t understand.
Nor will I ever understand jewelry with swimsuits because hi, swimsuits are FOR SWIMMING. Also, fine, maybe for tanning too, but in either case having nonsense jewelry floating about and/or giving you hilarious Mr. T-esque tan lines makes zero sense.
40. Jess | July 6th, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Okay. Sadly, and I really hate to admit this now, when I was in my early 20′s and probably even well into them, this was my mom’s Christmas present to me. A subscription. 12 whole months of these topics. And I remember loving it. Now I pick it up and, yeah, not for my (almost) 35 year old self. Good Housekeeping here I come!
41. Adlib | July 6th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I went out & downloaded the sample of A Discovery of Witches on my iPhone. I think I may have to get the whole thing! Good stuff!
42. Miranda | July 7th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I used to break sunglasses all the time but once I got prescription I was always super careful and I never once (over many years) had to replace them. I seem to be gaining a light sensitivity so sunglasses are an absolute must if I’m going to be outside for longer than 3 minutes. I wear contacts now and buy cheap sunglasses that I break on a fairly regular basis. So I really think knowing how much I’ve invested in prescription glasses made me take better care of them.
I wont comment on the feather necklace bit because I think the commenters before me have it all covered. Lordy.
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