The Long Way Round
July 13th, 2011
I got the results back from my karyotyping and recurrent loss shenanigans, and … there was nothing. While the fetus showed chromosomal abnormalities (a thought I found strangely comforting), they were/are mostly anomalous and not likely the result of a carrier issue. Thrombotic panel? Negative. Fifteen (15!) other blood tests? All normal.
What we appear to have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a case of crappy luck.
My feelings on this are understandably mixed. On the one hand, I mean, HOORAY! There’s nothing wrong with us, and all signs point to us being able to have a healthy pregnancy down the road. When I balked about my age (35), the nurse actually laughed and said, “You’re 35, not 45, Jonna. Most women we see at your age are trying for their FIRST baby.” Which, you know, comforting, and also true. The east coast is not known for its young mothers.
On the other hand, I really wanted it to be something we could fix easily. Which, haaaa, easily, as if such a thing exists even if there’s an issue. But I really wanted it to be MTHFR or Factor V Leiden or hell, I was even hoping for lupus antibodies at this point. But you know, instead it was probably a bum egg or an issue with all that dividing and multiplying and busy work that embryos have to do, and that is … frustrating and terribly normal. And scary, because, you know, it could happen again. It MIGHT happen again. I’m 35, and my eggs are what they are, and it’s … oh, blergh.
I know, right? Two miscarriages, so what? People go through worse. But it sucks, it sucks, to think about having to go through it again, assuming that the chances are exactly the same as they always were — which is to say that statistically, my chances of having a miscarriage the third time are not much higher than a first-time pregnancy. You’d think this would be comforting, but instead, it just means that I’m unprotected, as illogical as that sounds. Having two miscarriages does not statistically protect me from a third. My body doesn’t care whether it’s my first or my third, it just goes on as though everything is fresh. Statistically, each pregnancy is its own entity, and statistically — most of the time, anyway — they can’t find a reason for it, it just is.
Well, it means I just have to buck up, grow some balls and keep at it, is what it means. After all, is that not the quintessential lesson of parenthood, in all forms? I don’t know why all ovulation kits don’t bear a surgeon general’s warning that this shit is not for the weak, that once you start down this path, you are essentially fucked, in every possible meaning of the word.
We went to playgroup today and Sam wore a helmet for a rather significant portion of the morning. She picked up her friend Molly’s bike helmet, insisted on putting it on to ride the motorcycle, then kept it on for pool time, swing time, water table time. She wore that stupid helmet and she looked ridiculous, and my heart sort of shattered for her then, because God, there’s my kid, wearing an absurd-looking helmet, but she doesn’t know how silly she looks, she just wants to wear the helmet because she thinks it’s cool. She’s doesn’t know it’s not cool, and if she did, she doesn’t care, because at two, she’s not self-conscious about anything. She sings along to Elmo’s World in the most off-key voice you’ve ever heard, and when she sees a bunny, no matter how many times you tell her to be quiet, she immediately screams, “MOMMY, ITSA BUNNY! LOOK! LOOK!” and goes excitedly lumbering towards it.
I just … you know, I’d do anything for her. Anything. I’d have the guts to do anything if it meant she could have a better life. And if I apply the same logic (however flimsy the application may be) to my future children, well, I guess I can at least muster the guts to keep trying for them to be born, I figure. (FLIMSY CONNECTION, RIGHT? I KNOW.)
It’s going to take a little time, though, I think.
Happy Thursday!
*Badly Drawn Boy
Entry Filed under: Miscarriage,Teh Second Baby
241 Comments Add your own
1. Jessica | July 13th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
I’m glad there’s nothing wrong…and sorry there’s nothing to fix. Statistically, the odds may be the same, but I think you’re definitely due for a healthy pregnancy.
2. Tamara | July 13th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
YAY (?!) for chromosomal abnormalities, BOO for statistics. I can’t believe anyone should have to go through one miscarriage, much less two. And then once you go through one, have everyone tell you their horror stories about how they had 13 miscarriages or 12 still births and how they once died and woke up buried alive or whatever. I just… after one, I was like, is this seriously how it works? It just doesn’t seem like a very good system.
3. Terri | July 14th, 2011 at 12:23 am
All I can say is ” Love you”, hugs from afar and take all the time you need. It’s a bumpy ride! But you have our beloved “Sham” and I know what joy she brings you. One day you will be ready again. And it will be good.
4. Terri | July 14th, 2011 at 12:23 am
All I can say is ” Love you”, hugs from afar and take all the time you need. It’s a bumpy ride! But you have our beloved “Sham” and I know what joy she brings you. One day you will be ready again. And it will be good.
5. Carla Hinkle | July 14th, 2011 at 1:32 am
It’s great that no issues were identified but I can totally appreciate how scary a run of bum luck can seem, too. When the time comes that the thought of NOT trying again seems scarier than trying, you’ll know.
6. Christine | July 14th, 2011 at 2:34 am
De-lurking to say how I feel for you at this point in your -er – journey. I had three miscarriages – 12 weeks, 11 weeks, 8 weeks – in my first year of trying to have a baby. Did all the testing after the third one – nothing wrong, just like you. OB said just relax, and keep trying. I thought I couldn’t do it, but adopted a completely fatalistic attitude and persuaded myself that the next pregnancy would also end in miscarriage and that I should regard my first trimester as just a longer gap than usual between periods. I went on as normally as I could, pretended to myself and everyone else (except my OH) that I wasn’t pregnant. Hell, I didn’t even do a pregnancy test although I knew quickly when I became pregnant for a fourth time (I also didn’t drink or do drugs, I hasten to add). I tried very very hard not to invest at all in this pregnancy, and had no testing or even a doctor consultation until after ten weeks, and then in a very low-key way – still assuming I’d not get past twelve weeks. I didn’t work out my EDD, and made plans for the rest of the year that had no bearing on my future state of being. I worked very hard at innoculating my psyche against the reality of pregnancy for the first twelve weeks. It was the only way I could face it and face the uncertainty. Anyway, happy ending. I had three subsequent uneventful pregnancies, resulting in three healthy babies in five years, and that single year of incredible unhappiness had come before them now seems like a bad dream that happened to someone else. I wish you all the best and hope that the year to come is much easier for you than the last year has been!
7. Swistle | July 14th, 2011 at 6:51 am
Such good points. I love introspective people.
8. Kristina | July 14th, 2011 at 8:12 am
Oh I totally get this. At least you can have a plan of action if there is something wrong. Now it’s just out of your hands again and that is such a hard thing to deal with.
But at least you know that all of the worrying you will unfortunately have to do will be worth it once second baby gets here.
So sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best.
9. Leandra | July 14th, 2011 at 8:22 am
I know you probably didn’t mean for it to, but you are essentially fucked, in every possible meaning of the word” made me laugh out loud. One because it’s funny and the other because it’s oh so true.
I remember after having my miscarriage thinking that it’s a freaking miracle that any children are born at all. Because I tend to be a worst case scenario thinker, I found it was just best not to think about all the ways that things can go wrong — in every aspect of life — because I start to get that fluttery, panicky feeling in my chest.
Keeping on fighting the good fight, my friend. And know that we are all here wishing a world of good thoughts/prayers in your direction.
10. Jen | July 14th, 2011 at 8:32 am
I just love the image of Sam in the helmet. What a love. The other night Avery insisted on wearing a tutu skirt over her dress, which just looked altogether ridiculous (except totally cute, in the way it does on a 2 year old, much the way I’m sure the helmet did on Sam). We went to the library and she was just happy as a clam and could have cared less about what anyone thought. We could learn a thing or two from these girls of ours, eh?
Always wishing the best for you, Jonna.
11. @officeballerina | July 14th, 2011 at 8:43 am
Great post. I’ve recently gotten the same “bad luck” diagnosis after my 2 recent miscarriages and it is definitely a mixed bag of reassuring and frustrating. As for trying again, I had to get to a point where the hope outweighed the fear. And I think I’m there, but damn if part of me still doesn’t want to fast forward through this part of the parenting journey. Even though I *know* you don’t stop worrying once you have a healthy baby in your arms.
Thanks again for sharing your journey. Wishing you all the best the next time around.
12. LizScott | July 14th, 2011 at 9:06 am
That’s not a flimsy connection. It makes perfect, logical sense to me.
I love this post. I am thinking only good, warm thoughts for you and the family as you guys walk this road.
13. Kate | July 14th, 2011 at 9:19 am
I’m glad and sorry as well.
But what I really want to say is how it soothes my soul when you write posts like this. It’s like sitting in a room with you and having an actual conversation. Almost.
I miss you. I really, really do.
xoxoxo
14. rebecca | July 14th, 2011 at 9:50 am
I just want to say that i have all my fingers and toes and legs and arms crossed for you. Thank you for being so open about all this…it can’t be easy, but i can’t even imagine all the women going through this who are going to know they aren’t alone. you are awesome. And i wish i were cool enough to know you in real life, so my 2 year old could be friends with Sam, cause she is awesome, too.
15. Lawyerish | July 14th, 2011 at 9:51 am
I’m with Liz — that’s not a flimsy connection in the slightest.
We’re all pulling for you, and if there were some way to make any of this easier, I would give my pinkie toe to make that happen for you.
16. Anna | July 14th, 2011 at 11:03 am
I feel like this is encouraging news, though I also get why it would make you feel unprotected. Fuck it, though, you have to go forward. That’s what I’ve decided.
Also, my son went through the helmet phase and we just encouraged him with it, particularly when it came to him wanting to ride bikes. It’s more useful for them to think it’s cool to wear a helmet, I think, so I don’t fight it.
17. Ris | July 14th, 2011 at 11:55 am
Oh Jonna, I’m so sorry. You’re in my thoughts.
18. Rae Ann | July 14th, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I have an entire series of pix of my son wearing his sister’s helmet in the kiddy pool. Hillarious!
19. Halyn | July 14th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Whenever I see MTHFR, I think “Motherfucker.” Which is probably appropriate, however immature it may be.
Ahem.
I get what you’re saying. If there was something “wrong” with you, you’d be able to take some sort of action, which would (in your mind, anyway) “protect” the next pregnancy. Unfortunately, there’s no protection or peace of mind for bad luck. If it helps at all, I feel for you, and am thinking of you, and sending good vibes in your direction.
I love that Sam flips out over bunnies. That is so freakin’ cute.
20. Christine | July 14th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Well, I bet Sam, ridiculous or no, looked damned smashing in that helmet, because I’ve seen pictures and she is beeeautiful.
As for the other stuff, if you need to take a break, take a break and if you’re ready, head forth. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you here. xoxo
21. Elsha | July 14th, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I’m sorry it’s not some easy fix! If it’s any reassurance I have both MTHFR and Factor V Leiden and the doctors have been sort of, “maybe- maybe not” about whether that was the cause of my miscarriages. And my sister who has the same mutations has had 3 pregnancies and no miscarriages. I personally am inclined to think that some of us are just more prone to miscarriage than others. As shitty as that is.
22. Lulu | July 14th, 2011 at 3:28 pm
I am also 35, I also have a 2 year old girl and I also (4 weeks ago) just went through my 2nd straight miscarriage… so I know how you are feeling. A friend of mine sent me your blog post- thought it may be nice to know that there are other people going through what I am going through. And I have to say, reading your post brought me some peace… I have come a long way in the last 4 weeks and decided that this WILL happen for me and I am doing everything I can to make it happen. I have changed my diet, started exercising like a banchee, started getting fertility acupuncture- you name it. I want to know that there is something within my power, rather than just leave it to the Gods to decide. I am hoping it all pays off… and I will think of you in your journey as well. Good luck and thanks for the post.
23. Li | July 14th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I love you. XO
24. Life of a Doctor's Wife | July 14th, 2011 at 3:56 pm
You make total sense, really. I am hoping, with all my heart, you get everything you want.
25. jonniker | July 14th, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Elsha, I’m surprised they aren’t doing baby aspirin just in case, though. They were ALLL about that when they we worried it was FVL (I had to have the test retaken). But yeah, the research I read is like, well, we TRY that, but …
And dude, Halyn, I CALL it Motherfucker all the time. HAAA.
26. maggie may | July 14th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
I felt the same way after my miscarriage at 13 weeks. I totally understand. I know have a seven month old baby
27. maggie may | July 14th, 2011 at 8:41 pm
I felt the same way after my miscarriage at 13 weeks. I totally understand. I now have a seven month old baby
ps i did gluten free because i read there is a risk of miscarriage with gluten intolerance(not allergy) so if you think you have any issues with gluten it’s worth a shot- also took B complex and fish oil daily, very important in beginning conception – and fish oils are for nervous system growth so help to have a calm baby:)
28. Monica | July 14th, 2011 at 8:54 pm
I was never given a reason for my infertility, which always seemed like kind of a good thing since, you know, nothing was wrong. Except there was no baby (at that time) so there was something wrong, you know? Sometimes not knowing – not having a reason – is worse than knowing in a strange way.
29. Crystal | July 14th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
The bucking up part is hard, but thankfully you already have the balls part nailed. (That sounded… weird. You know what I mean.)
Sending good thoughts your way.
30. Elsha | July 14th, 2011 at 11:47 pm
Jonna, they have recommended I take baby aspirin, and I do when I’m trying/already pregnant. (Also, extra folic acid since MTHFR effects how you process it.) But I didn’t find out about the clotting things until midway through my second pregnancy (after one miscarriage.) And it was one of those “can’t hurt, might help” recommendations.
31. Erin | July 15th, 2011 at 12:57 am
I wish you truckloads of good luck.
Statistics don’t feel so reassuring once you’ve been on the unpleasant side of them- or at least that was my experience. I mean, a 90% chance of a pregnancy going along just fine sounds great, until you’re in the 10% a time or two. Statistics aside, it sounds like you have the courage and strength to move forward when the time is right. Thank you for sharing your experiences- and with such good humor and wit!
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I’m rooting for you and your eggs!
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