Dear Ben
July 17th, 2011
On two occasions recently, I’ve had disagreements with people, and on BOTH occasions, my reactions were off, and I’m stewing inappropriately about it. I’m not averse to confrontation, nor am I averse to admitting when I’m wrong, but the thing is, I had the OPPOSITE reaction to the one I wanted to have in both situations.
To wit: It seems I only go one of two ways in a disagreement lately, which is to dig my heels in entirely and declare my righteousness, or to fall on my sword completely, and in BOTH recent cases, I have had the OPPOSITE reaction to what I now think I SHOULD have had. As in, when I should have taken full responsibility and apologized, I dug my heels in, but when I should have dug my heels in and told the person to eff off because THEY were being totally inappropriate, *I*, instead, fell on my sword and declared MYSELF to be the inappropriate one. And now I want to go BACK to both parties and rectify the situation, but THAT would just be STUPID, because NO ONE WANTS TO REHASH AN ARGUMENT.
And yet, there it is. I think in the case of saying hey, I was wrong back then, would be fine, but in the case of saying hey, remember when I apologized and acted like I WAS in the wrong? HA HA, just kidding, YOU ARE A TOTAL DOUCHE! I don’t think that would work out so well.
Anyway, I should tell you that I got my wish, and it turns out I’m a carrier for MTHFR, but, well, it seems to be a non-issue, as it’s not active, and please don’t make me go into any more detail than that, because I don’t have it. I am DETAIL-LESS on the topic, mostly because everyone seems to think that it’s a carrier issue (which an alarming number people have) and not an active condition. This, combined with my fetal chromosomal defects — which are the kind that account for up to 40% of miscarriages, leading it to be a non-carrier issue — makes everyone STILL believe that it’s dumb-shit luck, but lo, off to the geneticist I go anyway, and I’m not even sure why. It all seems to be CYA at this point, but I also have to tell you that for all the insensitivity of my doctor’s office (mean nurses! incompetent medical assistants! receptionists lacking brain cells!), I am BEYOND impressed with my actual DOCTOR, and the way she’s treating this, and me, with such thoroughness, to make sure that I move forward knowing we did all we could.
Is your head spinning after reading that paragraph? Because my God, seriously, I suddenly feel like those people who post every detail of their fertility numbers, including betas and progesterone and all these things I don’t understand, but read with rapt attention like I do. But despite all the bullshit, having a doctor who seems to actually be paying close attention to me feels really good, even if it took two flipping MONTHS to get to this point.
So! Three pop culture points, and then I’m out like a MTHFR:
1) I am stupidly both surprised and NOT surprised by the JLo-Marc Anthony divorce. I mean, I always got the impression they were FRIENDS before they got married, like, for YEARS and that has to suck. On the other hand, remember when JLo was basically the Runaway Bride and married EVERYBODY? On the THIRD hand, I heard that he was a controlling, borderline-abusive bag of dicks, and for some reason, with her serial dating/monogamy history, I could somehow SEE JLO putting up with such shenanigans, because despite her attitude, she’s always seemed fairly insecure and conciliatory.
For example, who says that men don’t compliment you on your body because “they’re afraid of [your husband]“, as she did in People magazine ? NO ONE SAYS THAT, unless you think your man is insecure and/or YOU are afraid of him. If I were a celebrity, I wouldn’t say that about Adam. I mean, Adam is definitely protective of me and WOULD kick some ass on my behalf it was warranted, but it’s not like MEN ON THE STREET are just cowering from his presence. (Sorry, honey.)
Also, what’s with his creepy negotiations in getting his DISGUSTING SKELETOR FACE on American Idol ALL SEASON LONG? At least with the divorce, his foul mug will be off the show, although my God, he’ll probably figure out a way to work that in to the DIVORCE SETTLEMENT. WHY DID YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN, JENNIFER? DIDDY WAS A BETTER CHOICE.
You see the analysis I’ve put in here, yes? Are you afraid? THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID OF. Not Marc Anthony. THIS. The amount of time I’ve spent thinking about the two of them is criminal.
2) January Jones is having a baby, father unknown. I am DYING to know who the father is, and if he’s MARRIED, like, say, Bobby Flay, as everyone is speculating, then MY GOD, COME ON, JANUARY. Quit being an amoral asshole. Also, can someone PLEASE tell me how these goddamn celebrities just keep FALLING PREGNANT right and effing left by these MYSTERY MEN? Or, in the case of Arnold, just GETTING people pregnant? HOW? I mean, obviously this has never been my personal strong suit, but COME ON.
Meanwhile, I try to imagine my reaction if MY husband came home and told me he impregnated another famous woman, and I just CANNOT. I can’t imagine a situation that does NOT involve me just PASSING OUT COLD and never waking up.
3) Mona from Who’s the Boss? on True Blood. HA HA HAHAHAHA. Also, how in God’s name is Curb Your Enthusiasm STILL ON THE AIR?
*Jennifer Lopez. Remember Ben, Jennifer? Remember how you wrote an ENTIRE ALBUM to him, including a godawful song about him? And … AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA God, I am mean.
Entry Filed under: Infertile Myrtle,Miscarriage,Pop! Goes the Culture,Teh Second Baby,True Blood
37 Comments Add your own
1. Blythe | July 17th, 2011 at 11:11 pm
Wait, BOBBY FLAY? Seriously? Good lord.
2. Elsha | July 17th, 2011 at 11:21 pm
So, the MTHFR thing– my guess is you have the heterozygous mutation? Which is apparently pretty common but not a problem at all (according to my doctor.) The homozygous mutation, which fewer people have (lucky me!), is when it starts to be an issue. Although, I guess it doesn’t actually cause clots but can contribute to clotting? I’m not sure I ever understood exactly how that works.
Also, I’m going to out myself here as the giant chemical engineer nerd that I am and tell you that I can remember off the top of my head what MTHFR stands for. My head is filled with some pretty useless stuff.
I was not really surprised by the JLo-Marc Anthony divorce. But I’m pretty much never surprised by celebrity divorces. Most of the time my reaction is either a) well that was quicker than I thought or b) well they lasted longer than I thought they would. Apparently I am not good at predicting WHEN couples will get divorced.
3. jonniker | July 17th, 2011 at 11:27 pm
Elsha: I suppose. Whatever it is, I’m a carrier, but am not affected, at least at first glance, because typically (and I am repeating here, not applying my own knowledge) if it’s a problem, then your (my) homocysteine levels would be elevated, but they aren’t at all, in my case.
Please don’t ask me what a homocysteine level is.
4. H | July 17th, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Holy cats, I’m with Blythe – BOBBY FLAY?? I know very little about Bobby’s personal life, and all I know about January is that she’s been caught on camera doing the walk of shame (several times) – but I would never, in a million years, have guessed that those two got it on.
I was not surprised about the JLo-Marc Anthony divorce but I WAS surprised that it was practically announced after the fact. Or at least that’s what it seems to me – that they’ve been apart long enough to get their ducks in a row.
5. SwingCheese | July 18th, 2011 at 12:35 am
I’d heard (with all my inside information, HAHA) that Matthew Vaughn was a likely candidate for father of January Jones’ baby. And that threw me, because while I don’t know much about Matthew Vaughn (he’s a director and English), I do know that he’s married to Claudia Schiffer, who I’ve always thought was just absolutely gorgeous. And January Jones is….well, she’s blonde. That’s about it, in my opinion. But yeah, she does seem to have a reputation. And who is Bobby Flay anyway?
Also: agreed about JLo. I, like you, kinda thought that, since they were friends, the marriage would probably last. But it is JLo, so there’s that. And speaking of Ben, remember when he dated Gwyneth Paltrow for what seemed like a really long time? Weren’t they engaged?
6. Melissac | July 18th, 2011 at 6:19 am
I have never seen an episode of AI so I didn’t know Mark Anthony was on it. Until recently, I thought “creepy skeletor face” was the exact perfect way to describe him. (It actually made me laugh out loud and wake my sleeping husband.) However, um, have you seen him on HawthoRNe? With Jada Pinkett Smith? (Whispering) I kind of found him sexy on that show. Yes, really. Yes, despite myself. I had no idea that was even possible. Have you seen it? Am I insane?
I totally get what you mean about being over-involved in strange celebrity gossip. It’s strange how that happens.
Bobby Flay? Isn’t he married to one of the Law & Order DA’s? He kind of repulses me more than Mark Anthony, though. (This could be because he puts red onion, cilantro, or jalepeno in everything and those things make me feel ill or maybe it’s his temper on Iron Chef or maybe it’s his super weird lips….did I just dedicate a whole paragraph to Bobby Flay? This is whef happens at 5:17 am.)
Good luck with your testing. I hope you fund some answers beyond luck.
7. Melissac | July 18th, 2011 at 6:21 am
I hate the iPhone autocorrect.
Whef=what
Fund=find
8. jive turkey | July 18th, 2011 at 9:43 am
Oh, man. Bobby Flay? I finally came around to liking his ginger ass, and now this.
I also want to wish you best of luck with the medical stuff, about which I know nothing, but I’m glad you have a great doctor. Also, please consider this comment your permission to tell rude nurses THEY BEST STEP when they cop an attitude with you, because OMFFFGGG if there is one thing I cannot abide, it is a rude healthcare worker. Look, I KNOW: the public are a bunch of horrific assholes, and I KNOW it wears on a person to deal with that day in and day out, but this is what you signed up for, no? Taking care of PEOPLE? Recognize and stop being a jag, Nurse Ratched, fo’rill.
9. jonniker | July 18th, 2011 at 9:57 am
Well, Bobby Flay is only one of a few potential baby daddies, but word on the street is that all the ones in the running are married. Awesome!
10. Christine | July 18th, 2011 at 10:00 am
MTHFR makes me think exactly what you think it does every time I see it. I hope that everything works out because g’damn, what a MTHFR.
Tony nearly flipped his lid when he saw Mona! He was all, “ZOMG! Mona! She looks great! She has to be 90!” and I responded, “wait why are there panthers running through the woods? WHAT?” because I have lost my tolerance for True Blood. It was bound to happen eventually.
And really? People are afraid of Marc Anthony? I feel like he can’t possibly be taller than 5’6” and maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, but I definitely outweigh him, but then I would guess anyone over 135 lbs outweighs him. I imagine that Jenny from the Block could kick Skelator’s behind left and right, which isn’t to minimize the chance that there is actual abuse there – which hey makes him a crappy person all around, but I really can’t see any full grown man over the age of 21 being in fear of Marc Anthony.
11. JudithNYC | July 18th, 2011 at 10:07 am
First things first, though I don’t really understand what you are saying about the infertility issues today, (MTHFR??), I am rooting for you, kiddo.
But here is the reason why I am commenting, though I seldom do: I get why most women find Marc Anthony fugly, but I am in the camp that finds him sexy. I don’t feel too bad about it.. The “most beautiful woman in the world” and Miss Universe found him attractive too.
And speaking of Miss Universe, Dayanara Torres, was Marc Anthony’s wife when he started the JLo’s affair. She had two little kids, one was only two months old and the other two years old.
So I am not surprised about JLo’s and Marc Anthony’s breakup. I prayed for it everyday. The only thing is, I wanted it to be really painful for both of them.
12. jonniker | July 18th, 2011 at 10:19 am
Judith, I REMEMBER THAT, TOO. I felt so awful for Dayanara at the time, because remember, I am stupidly invested in strangers’ lives! TWO KIDS. Why does no one talk about the THREE children Marc Anthony has from OTHER WOMEN, including his EX WIFE, whom he left for Jennifer Lopez?
And this is apropos of nothing, but please don’t anyone think I’m being a misogynist by purely blaming January for having affairs with married men. I’m ACUTELY aware of the men’s culpability here, but I feel like when it becomes a repeat offense, as in Ms. Jones’ case, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
13. Kristina | July 18th, 2011 at 10:28 am
Ok, I have to be honest. When I read that first sentence about MTHFR, I totally read it as an abbreviation for, well, y’know, mthRfr and then somehow my mind jumped to your tweet from the other day about people from Boston being jerks or something like that and I was all kinds of confused. And laughing at myself b/c obviously I’m a total moron and need to pay attention when I read.
ANYWAY. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. But I’m glad you have a doctor that is taking her time with you and being thorough, even if testing sucks. It will hopefully make you feel a little bit more in control of the situation.
14. Ris | July 18th, 2011 at 11:49 am
Wait, Mona from Who’s The Boss is still alive? What is she, like 100? That’s…incredible. Also: January Jones! Man, first of all, WHO is the father, you think that’s not gonna come out? Just tell everyone already. Second of all, I think I like you better as Betty Draper. Just sayin.
15. Reading (and chickens) | July 18th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Oh man, I have no clue what the MTHFR (and I am infertile! and my mother worked in IVF for thirty years!), but I will cross my fingers that it is something that doesn’t really matter. Also, I really don’t understand about the celebrities getting pregnant thing–does NO ONE know how to use birth control in Hollywood? Or is everyone so uber-fertile that it doesn’t matter? The number of celeb pregnancies always has me mystified.
16. Sarah | July 18th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
You crack me up. I spent a whole boring day at work trying to piece together who the baby daddy of January’s baby is. I’m sick. But at least there were lots of other people on the internet wondering the same thing because it took me hours to read through all the possible options.
Bobby Flay sounds like a dog.
Jlow and Marc had this coming and unless they were dumb as rocks they both knew it. The only people I feel sorry for are their kids. All 5 of his. And who goes to the trouble she did (but won’t admit to) to have children with a guy like that? She seriously chose really badly. She could have had Ben’s kids and his kids are cute!
17. K | July 18th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Mona from “Who’s the Boss?” is still alive?
She is in the group of people I actually sometimes think are already dead (Wilford Brimley is a key player in that group) but are actually still alive.
As for JLo and Marc, I figured it was only a matter of time. I still gasped out loud when I read it, though.
18. Devan | July 18th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
I actually had to go and Google January Jones, because I had never even heard of her.
I LIKE Bobby Flay but I also had to google his marital status because I am apparently clueless.
Celebrities. Hmph!
19. mar | July 18th, 2011 at 6:10 pm
83. Katherine Helmond is 83! I had to look it up even though i don’t watch True Blood.
Speaking of celebrity marriages, she’s apparently been married since 1962. Go Mona!
20. Sam | July 18th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Wasn’t that awesome, to see Mona? Maybe she’ll be the new Betty White.
I am super interested about this January Jones/possible Bobby Flay baby daddy situation. I admit I do like her, just because I’m such a Mad Men fan. And she’s godawfully beautiful. Still, no excuse for bad behavior.
I am kinda sad that J.Lo and Marc Anthony split up, in a way. It does seem that he has a controlling side…she’s really gotten back in the spotlight and maybe he couldn’t handle it? I mean, dude, you married J.Lo. Surely he didn’t expect her to stay home and make dinner, you know? And yes – the other day I read that this was J.Lo’s third marriage and I totally couldn’t remember who her second husband was. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. The Bennifer days were crazy. Pink diamonds! Ben Affleck in her videos! It all seems so impossible now.
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23. Lawyerish | July 19th, 2011 at 12:23 pm
I have always wondered about the ignorance of/lack of use of birth control in Hollywood. Seriously, do actresses not take the Pill? Do they not…know about it? Do they not care? Are they afraid it will make them fat? How about an IUD, then? A diaphragm! AT LEAST SOME CONDOMS. Come on, girls, you must have been awake for at least ONE health class in junior high and high school.
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27. alimartell | July 21st, 2011 at 11:09 am
My co-worker and I were just talking about the Bobby Flay thing this morning.
Like…we cannot wrap our heads around it.
BOBBY FUCKING FLAY.
28. Leandra | July 22nd, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Once, when I lived in Savannah, I was sitting in rush hour traffic at a red light on my way to get my son from daycare and I looked over and saw a really sweet convertible — some kind of classic car — and I think to myself “Wow, that guy driving that car is really handsome. Like, REALLY handsome.” And then all of a sudden it hits me that it’s Ben Affleck. And JLo is sitting beside him in the passenger seat! I saw BENNIFER (the first) sitting in rush hour traffic in Savannah, GA! Of course all I wanted to do was stare, but I was trying to play it cool, too. And trying to drive, of course. This was back when he (they?) had that house on the coast and they were down there all the time, but that was the only time I ever saw them. She, for the record, was really, really gorgeous.
29. elz | July 25th, 2011 at 11:29 pm
I have also spent an irrational amount of time thinking about JLo and Skeletor. I figured she HAD to really love him to be with him b/c 1) ick, 2) really?…But, you’re right, girl had the WORST taste in men.
Also, Bobby Flay?! Really? I don’t like January Jones anyway, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
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Did you ever go back and apologize? I have a situation from MARCH that has been eating me alive, and I feel like I should apologize and don’t know if that will add insult to injury or what.
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