Both Hands
August 1st, 2011
While driving to the UPS store this afternoon, I caught a dude waiting in the car outside of a daycare — presumably, I am praying, to pick up his child — like, um, the Rum Tum Tugger, from, uh, Cats? The (former) Broadway musical? There are many weirdly disturbing things happening here, not the least of which is that, you know, my first thought was that OMFG, that dude is the Rum Tug Tugger, and second, WHY? WHY? But also, YOU GUYS. I saw Cats at the Winter Garden theater back in the day, and though I was young (high school?), I … I distinctly recall having a STEAMY REACTION to The Rum Tum Tugger, which was a man … dressed as a cat. And even though I KNOW I wasn’t (am not) alone, it’s still a bit disturbing to me, in retrospect.
I’ve never felt so close to having a plushie fetish than right there on Rte 20. Except, through Googling just now, I learned that it’s more of a furry thing, and let’s just say that there are things one cannot un-see.
Separately, I’m not much of a grudge-holder, but there are a few incidents that happened YEARS ago that still make me angry when I think about them. Does this ever happen to you? Like, you’re OVER IT, but once in a while, you think about it, and you just get BOILY WITH RAGE?
I dated an identical twin in college, and his brother ALSO went to college with us, and to make things MORE confusing, this girl in my sorority dated the OTHER twin, i.e., the one who was not my boyfriend. They broke up rather horribly, if I recall, and though it would be a few years before my twin and I would come to the same fate, at the time, we were happy, and this set this girl off into a bit of a crazy rage against me. Urgh, college. Not the most mature of times, right? ANYWAY, this girl was the bullying type to BEGIN WITH, but then, after the breakup, amped up her meanness to eleven and directed most of it straight in my direction.
And you guys. She was mean to me, all the time. ALL THE TIME. She confronted me in public, accusing me of leaking information about who she was and wasn’t dating to my boyfriend, who would then tell his brother (I didn’t, because surprisingly, WE DID NOT DISCUSS HER), and on one memorable occasion, she sat in a room with a bunch of people and took subtle pot-shots at me that she thought were going over my head, but in fact, were smacking me clear in the face. Stuff like that, over and over again. FOR MONTHS.
And I, being on super-shaky ground coming off of depression (more on that in a minute), was too chicken to confront her or even call her out on her behavior, because I was SURE that everyone would side with her, and honestly, I was probably right. I’ve never been that good at that kind of warfare.
She graduated a year before me, and my senior year, called me to get her twin’s contact information (my twin and I were still dating). Even though the risk of her doing my personal life any damage had long passed (she was gone, I wasn’t even IN my sorority anymore, having realized it was a bit, um, toxic, particularly for someone in my situation), I STILL DIDN’T TELL HER TO STUFF IT IN HER ASS. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE, AND STILL. I should have said no, lady, you were cruel to me for MONTHS. GOOD DAY, SIR.
So I carry that around. I’m not even mad at her anymore, I’m RETROACTIVELY PISSED AT MYSELF for not telling her to fuck OFF. But I’m afraid — like, legitimately — that if I ever run into her again, I will punch her in the face just to even the score with … myself.
I don’t know why I started thinking about this, except that I read this post by Melissa Summers, and I tell you, I am not particularly into the general concept of people’s depression confessionals as being “brave.” I think it’s … overused. Simply confessing that we’re battling with depression is NOT an act of bravery, particularly when so many people think that they can just declare it, and by its simple declaration, have it begin to fix itself.
However, I think that Melissa’s post WAS brave. Very brave, for so many reasons, but what struck me (out of, you know, SO MANY THINGS) is that she talks about what lot of people who have been depressed or anxious or struggling with any kind of mental disease or glitch don’t often do: Depression can turn you into a person who can seem to others like a real asshole, and not in the “oh, she’s just so SAD all the time!” kind of way. Admitting this is so freakin’ hard, because you don’t come off looking particularly rosy, you know?
Depression often looks like someone who is acting like a jerk, and it takes its toll on relationships. You can push people away. Lie to them, even. Treat them poorly. Pick fights. Fight dirty. End relationships. Focus so deeply on yourself and your own issues that you are patently unable to do anything for other people, even the simplest of courtesies (like being honest with them, say). Owning up to, and taking responsibility for, something like THAT? Well, that is brave, because for some people, depression is damn ugly, and you come off looking like a real ass because, well, YOU WERE ONE, no matter the reason. And almost no one on the outside recognizes it, so you have to do a lot of clean-up at a time when you feel least equipped to do so.
(I’m talking about myself here, obviously, but I think Melissa addresses herself perfectly in a way that resonated with me.)
(Note: I am attempting to compliment Melissa on the way she seems to be handling it, but instead, fear that I am calling her an asshole. Which is not my intention, obvs. THE OPPOSITE.)
You know. Errrgh, this shit is so hard.
(This was years ago for me — college, in fact, as I mentioned, but that post brought it all back in kind of a good way. OWN YOUR SHIT, is what I’m saying, even the ugly stuff. Yet, also be kind to yourself. Clearly. GOD IT IS ALL SO CONFLICTING AND CONFUSING.)
(However, that girl was still a total and complete bitch, and I AM AFRAID I WILL PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.)
Um, on a MUCH LIGHTER NOTE, today (Tuesday) is my anniversary. Eight years! Eight! Years! I feel like I blinked and BAM! We’ve been married eight years. I told Adam that statistically, we’re on the good side of the divorce odds, because most couples who divorce all it quits by seven years, and by then, have already known it was coming for a long time. So let’s get complacent! Imma FIND ME A GIGOLO THIS WEEKEND!
No. Being married is the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s work to be polite when you want to be a grump. It’s WORK to think of someone else before you think of yourself, and sometimes that rears its head in the big things, and sometimes it’s about making a different choice for dinner. But man, it’s been worth it. Eight years! Eight years of so many good times, and so many challenges (why, this year alone! OMFG) and yet, we keep on trucking along and having a good time, for the most part. I am happy. So stupidly happy with my life, and a big part of that is because I married him. He’s funny and smart and kind and handsome and a great dad, and an outstanding, thoughtful husband — seriously, he ALWAYS does the right thing, even if not at first, he comes around and we talk about it, and THE MAN PUTS ME TO SHAME, because I am stubborn and difficult.
Above all, and underneath it all, we like each other. I love him — oh, more than anything — but I also really LIKE him. He drives me up a wall, and I know I’ve infuriated him to the brink of insanity, but somehow, we always make it work, and we come back around to having a damn good time together. That’s something, and it’s sure worth the effort, I’ll tell you that.
Happy anniversary, Adam. Eight years! EIGHT! I don’t know why, but it’s making me feel so old. THAT IS ONLY TWO LESS THAN TEN.
*Ani DiFranco
Entry Filed under: Adam,Gettin' thinky with it
27 Comments Add your own
1. TwoBusy | August 1st, 2011 at 10:09 pm
A very, very happy anniversary to you both. Hope you see your way clear to doing a little celebrating in style.
2. JudithNYC | August 2nd, 2011 at 7:04 am
Happy anniversary to the both of you.
3. Perpetual Breadcrumbs | August 2nd, 2011 at 7:31 am
Hmm. I don’t know. (Not about the anniversary part. That’s wonderful.) What I don’t know about is the degree to which self-loathing, which is almost always a part of depression, can be separated from the rational ability to see and know which of your actions are horrible, asshole ones, and which ones are not.
Not that you aren’t responsible for all of it, because you are responsible, in the same way that alcoholics are responsible for the awful things they sometimes do, even though we know alcoholism is a terrible disease.
I guess I just worry because “negative self talk” is part of my depression, and I don’t even know I’m doing it. I just think I’m being appropriately critical. And it’s not until the therapist says, “Hey, don’t you think you’re being hard on yourself?” that I say, “Sure, maybe” (but I don’t actually believe that).
I guess, in my experience, even when you’ve got the worst parts of depression under control, the part where you know the difference between normal and hyper-negative thinking comes a lot later, if at all. So, knowing you’re an asshole because you are one, and thinking you’re an asshole because you hate yourself…I’m not sure when you get your thinking clear enough to know the difference.
4. jonniker | August 2nd, 2011 at 7:45 am
Perpetua, I’m not sure EITHER. But in my case, I WAS a jerk, and I think I’m not alone. I guess that’s to say that everyone is different, but for me, realizing while I hated myself, I was also taking it out on everyone else. But it wasn’t until others called me out on it that I realized it, and facing that was so, so hard, and had I read a post like Melissa’s when I was coming out of it, I might have felt a little less self-hatred and felt less alone.
Even now, when I feel myself slipping, I can usually point to instances where I treated other people unfairly. But that’s ME. I’m not trying to suggest — really — that it’s a universal experience, by any stretch. But the way M talked about the relationships she lost, I thought, well, yeah. That happened to me, too and admitting that takes balls, because it LOOKS SO BAD, right?
5. Amy | August 2nd, 2011 at 8:01 am
Happy Anniversary! Congratulations on making it to 8.
6. Tara | August 2nd, 2011 at 8:30 am
YES.
Happy Anniversary! (We hit 8 years last week and OMG, I do feel SO! OLD! thinking about double-digits in 2 years!
Hope you have a wonderful day!
7. Natalie | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:15 am
Happy Anniversary!
I understand what you are saying about depression. It’s a bit of a viscous cycle. You are depressed, so you are mean to people. People then don’t want to be around you. Then you are sad b/c people don’t want to be around you. And on and on it goes.
8. EM | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:22 am
Happy 8 Years!! Out of curiousity what sorority were you in??
9. SwingCheese | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:26 am
Happy Anniversary!! May you all have a wonderful day!
10. Shelly | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:45 am
Happy Anniversary!
And thank you for sharing this. Several years back, one of my closest friends acted really shitty towards me, and I’ve always been confused and hurt by that. The point that you make about pushing people away, lying and acting poorly really opened my eyes. I know that’s what was going on (we’ve discussed it), but I never really UNDERSTOOD it until now. Thank you.
11. Lawyerish | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:48 am
Happy anniversary to the couple whose marriage is most like my own. Love you guys!
Also, I just have to note that you are the only person on this planet who can write about plushies/furries, depression and marriage all in one piece and make it work.
12. Devan | August 2nd, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Happy anniversary!
13. Kate | August 2nd, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Congratulations on 8 years of marriage! It’s hard to describe all that goes into a week of marriage, much less 8 years. I think your description of marriage being both the easiest and hardest thing is spot on. I’m sure having good senses of humor makes it much much easier. Lucky Sam (and future Sam siblings) to grow up with parents who love each other and treat each other well (most of the time)!
14. Artemisia | August 2nd, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Happy Anniversary!
Oh, when I realized how AWFUL I treated A. when I was in the throes of Dysthymia (a type of depression) and anxiety, I felt so, so bad. I cried my eyes out.
He should have left me, I treated him so badly.
I apologized, and make it a point to remember to treat him with the respect he deserves. I still can’t believe he stayed with me. I was so horrible to him.
15. Artemisia | August 2nd, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Hey, Perpetual -
You are right – it is one helluva tightrope walk between owning up to your behavior and breaking that damn cycle of negative self talk.
You nailed it – thinking one is being “appropriately critical.”
Hang in there.
16. Elsha | August 2nd, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Happy Anniversary!
17. Life of a Doctor's Wife | August 2nd, 2011 at 3:25 pm
Happy anniversary! I hope the coming year is the best one yet.
18. Jessica | August 2nd, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Happy Anniversary! I did not know that 8 years was considered the “good side” but that is great news!
Also, I discovered furries when I was in college and I could not wrap my head around that AT ALL. And then I started talking about it to a theatre friend and she basically admitted to being into being a furry so I had to shut my disbelief up right quick.
19. Jen | August 2nd, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Happy Anniversary to you and Adam! Wishing you guys all the best this year!
20. Gaby | August 3rd, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I was thinking about this entry this morning, and I realized that not only are you right about how when you’re deep in a depression, you are typically selfish and perhaps cruel to others, but also that depression is so hard for people who haven’t been through it to understand, which makes another whole layer of difficulty for relationships. There’s no way someone’s going to understand why a depressed person is being unkind to the level that he or she may be if that someone has never felt what it is to be depressed. I don’t think I’m explaining this well, but it triggered a thought in me, so thanks for that, Jonna.
That linked post also seriously has me considering calling for a referall to a psychiatrist because I shouldn’t be feeling like I do all.the.time. I’ve been on drugs before; I’ve gone to therapy before; right now, I think I need to consider going back to both. Bleh.
21. René | August 3rd, 2011 at 4:20 pm
I remember the relief of getting past that seven-year point well. What you wrote about your marriage made me happy – for you, and also just because.
Happy anniversary to you two.
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