Enjoy the Silence
August 15th, 2011
Last week mostly sucked. I wish I could be more eloquent than that, but man, it just wasn’t a great week. Between the jackhammering of our foundation (OMFG), a napless kid thanks to said foundation hammering and the fact that I realized A-HA! I was supposed to have a BABY this week! … it was, um, unpleasant. I was in a mood the likes of which I haven’t seen in months and months. It wasn’t until I stormed away from the construction workers muttering, “Are you fucking KIDDING ME?” only to come inside and — oh, I can barely type it without cringing — throw a head of cauliflower so hard on the counter that it shattered in a jillion florets that I realized, HM. Perhaps I am not being myself here. You know, because I’m sobbing into my sleeve amongst the cauliflower shrapnel while my daughter– my poor, sweet daughter — asks, “Are you okay, Mommy?”
(I picked up the florets and roasted them anyway. Do you think less of me?)
(Genuine, turnaround-quality bright spot: A delightful day at Davis Farmland with Maureen and her perfect children. I love her. And them.)
The good news is that my ClearBlue Easy fertility monitor sticks are somewhere in Cleveland, thus, giving me the perfect excuse to hold off for another month before getting back on the Train of Potential Conception, although I have to tell you, I feel kind of ready for another baby, and that’s something I couldn’t say a month ago. One of my best friends is pregnant, and her due date is coming soon (November!) and I can’t wait! I can’t WAIT! I want to hold the tiny baby! I want to SEE the tiny baby, and I want to see her daughter, Lila, with a little brother, although I think Sam is going to be pretty pissed off, because Megan is her favorite. She already gets the scraps from Lila, and when there’s a baby in Meg’s lap, HAAAA, rage.
Plus, you know, Sam starts school in a few weeks, and I’m seriously acting like she’s headed off to college. Tonight, I asked Adam if Sam is still going to like me, or if she’s going to want to live at school. I wasn’t even being a little jokey about it, because what if she hates me? What if this is the end, and she’s all done with me and just wants to hang out with her friends? What if she stops holding my face in her hands and saying, “MOMMY! I love you…”? THEN WHAT?
I will burn down the preschool, that’s what.
Speaking of babies, we up and left our precious child with a (great, new, reader of this blog) babysitter on Saturday night to see Harry Potter at the Imax and eat sushi. And you GUYS. Yes, the movie was great, blah blah, and yes, we go to an Imax theater that is, mysteriously, inside a furniture store (I don’t know, either, but those Jordan stores are like MINI DISNEYLAND), but the thing is, Harry Potter is a loud movie, right? And add the Imax experience, which includes “butt-kickers,” which vibrate the seats during explosive-type scenes, and … well, you get the idea.
The thing is, so there’s Harry Potter, one of the loudest movies EVER — I mean Deathly Hallows is basically one big battle scene, and I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying so — and near the beginning of the movie, there was this BIG! EXPLOSIVE! sound and then … silence.
Which is precisely when the man next to me farted. Very loudly.
YOU GUYS. In a twisted way, I felt HORRIBLE for him, because MY GOD, the movie was SO LOUD, and WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that he’s going to let one rip JUST as the SILENCE FILLS A CROWDED THEATER?
But the worst part — the WORST! — is that Adam was wholly convinced it was me, and he was GLARING at me, like *I* was the asshole who FARTED IN A CROWDED THEATER. By that point, I just lost it, and I was snickering uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face, and OH GOD, I had just made the Harry Potter Farter feel even worse, because how do you not know that’s why I’m laughing? How do you NOT think that the lady next to you is wheeze-laughing because you ripped it in the movie theater? HOW?
Ah. Anyway. It was a great night, I loved the movie, with the exception of the VERY end, which was … poorly executed, although I don’t want to give it away. I just … CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN, is all I’m saying, and there was a bad casting call there.
This is wrapping up awkwardly, but three things:
1) I tried raw oysters during said night out when we made a last-minute restaurant change. I … don’t get it. This isn’t some, “oh, check me out, I wrote something somewhere else!”, but a, NO SERIOUSLY, what am I missing? I need to know what you think, because I do NOT get it, and this seems like something I SHOULD get, but when I read reviews of food critics eating raw oysters and describing their nuanced flavors with wine-type language, I’m like, wait, what? I TASTED TABASCO. But also, I didn’t find them remotely repulsive, I just found them TREMENDOUSLY BORING.
2) I have essentially stopped washing my kid’s hair because it’s getting TOO DAMN ANNOYING. She acts like I’m dumping hydrochloric acid on her head, and GOD. I know this is not good, but there you have it. CONFESSION TIME.
3) I started using the library request system, and you guys, it’s like, FREE BOOKS THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT, instead of picking through the shelves. What a revolutionary idea! And one that is actually preventing MANY MELTDOWNS from Sam, because she is so desperate to go downstairs to see Fred the turtle that she cannot bear the three minutes it takes me to find the book I want. Linger, you shall be mine. OH YES, YOU SHALL.
Happy Tuesday!
*Depeche Mode. And you know, I am REALLY GLAD I didn’t get the giant cross with “DM” tattooed on my leg back in high school. OMFG.
Entry Filed under: Adam,Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery
38 Comments Add your own
1. Jessica | August 15th, 2011 at 11:56 pm
I actually can’t remember the last time i got a book from the actual library shelves instead of by request. Our library even has a drive-through where you can pick up requested books. It’s amazing.
2. velocibadgergirl | August 16th, 2011 at 12:26 am
YES, Linger! I’m so pleased that Kerri Anne and I aren’t the only people in the world who read those.
3. Shannan | August 16th, 2011 at 12:29 am
A good oyster tastes like the ocean and is my favourite choice as a starter because they don’t fill you up too much. And they are perfect with champagne or a crisp cold white wine. Really good with an Asian style dressing too. Yum.
4. Christine H | August 16th, 2011 at 7:15 am
Thanks for making me laugh this morning. And raw oysters….just no…I’m with you there.
5. Meghan | August 16th, 2011 at 7:35 am
Raw oysters are the bomb. I usually squirt some lemon into mine and put in a little bit of cocktail sauce. Where did you get yours? Legal usually has a pretty good selection. In my experience it’s been Wellfleet or PEI ones that are the tops.
Sorry about the due date thing – that blows. I bet throwing the cauliflower felt pretty good, though.
6. Meghan | August 16th, 2011 at 7:35 am
Raw oysters are the bomb. I usually squirt some lemon into mine and put in a little bit of cocktail sauce. Where did you get yours? Legal usually has a pretty good selection. In my experience it’s been Wellfleet or PEI ones that are the tops.
Sorry about the due date thing – that blows. I bet throwing the cauliflower felt pretty good, though.
7. Natalie | August 16th, 2011 at 8:39 am
I felt the EXACT same way about the end of Harry Potter… With all of the resources at their disposal, they chose not to do an adult lookalike casting contest but instead threw some grey streaks in everyone’s hair and gave Ginny Weasley a TERRIBLE bouffant ‘do as a way of signifying that they grew up? No. No, I do not accept that decision.
8. Sam | August 16th, 2011 at 8:41 am
It’s good to know I’m not the only one who smashes things when feeling, well, emotional. I’m sorry last week was hard for you, and then to add JACKHAMMERS to it? Really uncool, Universe!
The library request thing was just made for mothers of toddlers, I think. Because God knows I am over trying to scout through the shelves and then losing my kid and then catching him and he starts screaming IN THE LIBRARY. Though I do go by myself during preschool time so I can poke around at my leisure…
9. kelly | August 16th, 2011 at 9:38 am
curious, who is the author of linger? tried amazon and got more than one match. I tend to like your book recommendations
and i love the library request system! and I’m sure my librarian loves that my toddler isn’t ripping apart the mayflower genealogy while i try to find a book.
10. SwingCheese | August 16th, 2011 at 9:55 am
I, also, love the library requests! I can buzz in, buzz out, and we’re all good. Also, occasionally, I forget that I’ve requested a book, and when the notice comes in, I get all excited. I requested “Something Borrowed” back in April, and had totally forgotten about it until I received an email that it was waiting for me! It was like my birthday, that’s how excited I was. (Until I actually wasted some hours of my life actually reading it, and I was annoyed, but also am annoyed with myself, because I want to read the sequel, and this is how I am with chick lit.)
Also, part of the reason I keep boyo’s hair so short is so that it is very easy to rinse shampoo out. Because there are HOWLS. Each and every time.
11. Akofaolain | August 16th, 2011 at 10:03 am
I love library requests! Our library has a display case with rubber duckies right at the circulation desk and I can park the kids there for the 3 seconds it takes me to grab my books! Yay! Our library system didn’t have Linger so I had to (GASP) buy it! It was very good, though, and since I already owned Shiver, it wasn’t that much of a hardship.
As for the cauliflower, you saved yourself the trouble of having to cut it up before roasting it, right?
12. Reading (and chickens) | August 16th, 2011 at 11:02 am
My six-year-old won’t even TALK TO ME until we turn the corner away from his school. Because he is embarrassed. To have a mom. And he is six.
Oh, and I don’t wash my kids’ hair. Ever. I’m gross. They’re gross. I don’t care, because I don’t have to fight with them every day. You know what? Their hair looks FINE. (To me.)
13. Christine | August 16th, 2011 at 11:39 am
Dude, no judgment here on either the broken cauliflower or the fact that you roasted it afterward. That way is much more productive than that one time, premeds I decided to throw my glass into the sink, sending shards all over the damned place. The cauliflower is both benign and edible! That sounds like a flipping win win, and with less chopping.
The guy in the theater who farted made me laugh, at his expense, I guess, but farts are funny. I am three.
I really like raw oysters. But then I like most briny tasting things, and throw on a mignonette with some shallot and vinegar and it’s a party in mah mouth! Ask for mignonette instead of tobacco sauce next time. Or just a squeeze of lemon. I will fess though that I like them fried better. Oh, wonderful oyster, get in my belly!
14. Christine | August 16th, 2011 at 11:43 am
Tobacco? Tabasco. Am apparently completely out of my damned mind.
15. EmilysHollow | August 16th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
I loathe oysters…snot on a cracker OMG.
Library requests! YES! LOVE that. I go online, tell them what I want, they email me when it’s there, and I just go pick it up! I don’t have to browse, or even TALK to anyone!
This is a big reason I’m excited to move into my own house again, having an address to go get a new library card! Woo-hoo! (Also because this whole a kindle book a week (or 2 or 3 or 4) is killing the whole “live on a budget” thing).
16. Amy (frugan) | August 16th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Thank you for number two. I am afraid you may be exaggerating and my confession will therefore be met with gags, but I cannot wash my 2 1/2 year old’s hair right now either. Last time I tried she wept so hard, I had to take her out of the bath and she fell asleep in my arms. My husband and I had to hold a sleeping toddler over the sink and gently (don’t WAKE HER UP!) rinse out the shampoo. Until I regain the strength, I just fill the bath with bubbles and hope that one or two pops on her head.
17. Hannah Christine | August 16th, 2011 at 4:39 pm
The first time I tried oysters I had a similar reaction to yours, kind of underwhelmed and not really that into it. But then I tried them again a couple weeks later and I basically became obsessed and now I love them forever and ever amen. I had similar introductions to mineral water, sushi, and caviar. Meh, followed by MUST HAVE FOREVER. I don’t know why.
18. shan | August 16th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
If all you tasted of your oysters was Tabasco, you used too much Tabasco! I suggest trying a few different kinds and with some of the accompaniments already mentioned and/or plain. My favs are Raspberry Points, but I rarely see them. However, Mr. Google tells me they’re grown in PEI, so I suppose any oysters from PEI would be a good bet.
Also, I’m cracking up @ Amy (frugan)’s comment about filling the bath with bubbles and hoping they pop on her daughter’s head.
19. Hannah Christine | August 16th, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Oh wait! I had a comment I wanted to make about the end of Harry Potter. But it is a comment that is just straight up spoilery, so if you want to delete it I get it. So, I like how they at least tried to make all the boys look older, beer gut here, receding hairline there, crows feet etc. Meanwhile, the girls they just put in “grown up clothes” and gave them “lady hair”. Because purposely making women look older is kind of socially unacceptable. No wrinkles or weight gain for you! Stay seventeen forever.
20. Shana | August 16th, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Ha. YES! My friends are all “WTF? You have a LIBRARY card? Okay, Nerd Grandma!” Those suckers are BUYING books, then having to deal with selling or storing them. Online “YOU THERE! KINDLY FETCH THESE FREE BOOKS FOR ME!” is one of the best things evar. (How spoiled am I that my old, smaller-town library had a drive-through, and I still miss it when I have to get my ass out of my car and walk into the library building? To borrow a Jonna-ism, I want to punch myself in the face.
(Though, TBH, a significant part of the reason I use the library [and tell people how awesome it is] is to do my tiny part to keep demand up and ward off digital-age cutbacks for those who aren’t as lucky as I am re: book/tech budget. See also: pay phones, public transit.)
Am so glad to hear that you’re starting to feel ready for another behbeh again. Miscarriage is such indescribable shit, and twice? Sam’s sidekick will make it all worth it, tho. Preemptive SQUEE!!!
21. Lara | August 16th, 2011 at 8:03 pm
1 – I am so sorry you had a crappy week.
2 – I am just meh on raw oysters too. They’re gone in like one bite. And what about people who just throw them back/swallow them? I really don’t understand the appeal in that AT ALL.
3 – The Harry Potter Farter made me laugh until I cried. I’ve been in a bunch of courses lately and during the last one the instructor, after lunch, was talking and this little “urrburrrrp” just slipped out and ahhmygod, I had to leave the room so as not to laugh in his face. Today, TODAY, I said to my co-worker “Oh man, I just hope no one burps.” Fast forward a few hours and this guy walks to the front of the full room and…farts. I was holding myself together (I think) until I looked at my co-worker. I should NEVER have looked at him. He is the guy I should NEVER look at in these situations because sure enough he gives me the one eyebrow pop and I LOSE IT. Silent, heaving, crying laughter. How very professional of me. GOD.
I mean, I think from your story the Harry Potter Farter must have been trying to let it sneak out in a loud place.? This guy? Today? Just…what? HOW does that even happen? Because if that can JUST HAPPEN I live in FEAR of it happening to me some day.
22. jonniker | August 16th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
Kelly: It’s Maggie … Steifvater, I think. Or Stiefvater? It’s TERRIBLE and terribly embarrassing, and the first book in the series is “Shiver,” and it’s …. about werewolves. Badly done werewolves. You will be embarrassed reading it, I think. I was. AND YET.
23. Akofaolain | August 17th, 2011 at 9:48 am
I bought both books. on Amazon. Because I was too embarrassed to buy them in the store. I’m 40…and yet.
24. Sarah | August 17th, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I love the library request system, and we can request from libraries all over the state too, if ours doesn’t have what you want. Problem is, all 10 books somehow come in at the same time and it’s too stressful to try and get through them so you just take them all back and start over.
25. Jessica V | August 17th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
I just had an attack of the snort-giggles over the Harry Potter farter story – totally made my day.
26. magpie | August 18th, 2011 at 9:10 pm
hair washing is over rated. libraries are not.
27. Raven | August 19th, 2011 at 1:44 am
My thoughts on the end bit of Potter are that it was just unfortunate for Ron. Everyone else looked off and wrong and like they tried SO HARD to make them look older so they ended up looking BAD, not older…but Ron? He just looked OLD.
Poor guy is not going to age well is what I’m seeing.
28. The New Girl | August 22nd, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Oh my holy HELL, Jonna. I didn’t see that coming and I laughed so hard that my congested lungs couldn’t keep up. That is the GREATEST HARRY POTTER STORY, EVER.
Oh, I love you. LOVE.
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