She’s Like the Wind
August 30th, 2011
No one likes to be without electricity, let’s be honest. I think, however, there is a SPECIAL KIND of power-less status when you have a small person with, uh, a Dora addiction and also a major desire for things like fresh foods and a very special sound machine that makes the ONLY SOUND in the entire universe that is acceptable, did you know that? And did you also know it doesn’t come with a battery back-up? WHY DOES IT NOT HAVE A BATTERY BACK-UP?
The soother of destiny.
I can’t even talk about it without getting some kind of wild PTSD-related twitches, because my child DID NOT SLEEP the entire time! And neither did we! FOR TWO DAYS! HA HA HAAA! And we drove around town like refugees! But NOT BEFORE we sat through the storm and witnessed my neighbor’s house get basically, uhhh, decimated by the winds, as tree after tree toppled over, demolishing bit by bit of the poor guy’s yard, fence, gazebo, and finally, house.
(He’s fine. His, um, life-size replica of the statue of David and accompanying blue-lit gazebo is … not. I can’t type that sentence with a straight face. Yes, David was situated so he faced the rear windows of the house in all his glory, and yes, he was LIT UP IN BLUE, rain or shine, every night of the year. I GOT NOTHING HERE, PEOPLE. Except my neighbor has promised he’s going to “Rebuild! Bigger and stronger than ever!” WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS? WILL DAVID GET A BIGGER PENIS?)
Irene was supposed to be this BIG OVERHYPED THING, according to New Yorkers, who we learned are the center of the universe. “New York is safe! Hallelujah!” read the headlines. Meanwhile, everyone else was not doing all that well — including large parts of New York’s economic sisters-in-arms, Connecticut and New Jersey. And Vermont! Oh, poor Vermont, right? I feel a little shattered every time I hear what’s going on there, and when I see pictures of all the roads we used to travel on that are literally GONE, I feel even sicker.
I also feel a remarkable appreciation for working light switches, and Sam quite literally WEPT WITH RELIEF when she pushed the button on her sound machine and it turned on. She cried from happiness. “I can go NIGHT-NIGHT!” she declared through a mixture of laughter and tears. “MAH MACHINE!”
Good God, did I fuck this kid’s sleep up good and hard or what? It seemed like a good idea, this sound machine. We live in a single-story ranch! That sound machine’s presence enables us to watch television and take showers and have conversations after 8 p.m. and GOD, I HAVE MADE HER DEPENDENT.
She seems relatively unscathed though.
Heeey, did anyone ever tell you what a CRAP IDEA those little carts are for small children? And how it will turn grocery shopping into a horrible adventure, filled with injury (crashing into your heels), intrigue (will she take out the ENTIRE display of parmesan, or just nick it?) and excitement (Look! It’s like bumper cars! Except not at ALL HA HA OH GOD)? Never again. I will do ANYTHING to stop my daughter from finding that little cart ever again, even if I have to call the manager of Price Chopper MYSELF and demand all removal of toddler-size shopping carts from their existence at the CORPORATE LEVEL.
(Too unrealistic? AIM HIGH, I say.)
I hope you have a great Wednesday, or whatever day you read this!
*YE OLDE SWAYZE
Entry Filed under: Beeber McSteebs,General jackassery
92 Comments Add your own
1. Michelle | August 30th, 2011 at 10:21 pm
The little carts, dear GOD the little carts. Finn is obsessed when we go to Trader Joes which incidentally is 45 minutes away. That means once every month or two and what does Mommy buy? WINE and lots of it. Have you ever seen a 4 year old pushing a little cart full of wine? Mother of the year over here.
2. meanliving | August 30th, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Wait a SECOND. *I* was just going to whine about the TJ’s mini carts and *my* child named Finn. But I will see you a wine whine and raise you the woe of having TWO mini cart sizes. So both the 2yo AND the 6yo can run wild through the aisles. Or throw massive hissy fits when denied the privilege of said carts. Either way: FUN.
3. Spiff | August 30th, 2011 at 11:57 pm
FYI Jonna…we had a sound machine for my now-7-year-old daughter, which we thought she would be addicted to for life, and she just up and told us she didn’t want it anymore about 6 months ago and just stopped.
Meanwhile, we do still have one for our son, who is the same age as your daughter. Hopefully he will be able to break the addiction like his older sister did!
Good luck!
4. Melissa H | August 31st, 2011 at 12:03 am
Sorry about the storm related sleeplessness. that’s no fun!
But I must disagree on the mini carts. When you have a five year old and a newborn (because as you know all too well secondary infertility can really mess with your baby spacing plans) ANYWAY when infant is in a snap and go stroller 5 year old can push the mini cart and together you can have a productive shopping trip where you get more groceries than fit under the infant seat. Just my experience
5. Dawn K | August 31st, 2011 at 12:27 am
Can I just say that I’m extremely relieved to see that the behavior banana isn’t a tactic isolated solely to my shopping trips? I tell myself I must be doing something right if I’m able to use fruit as a bribery.
6. Veronica | August 31st, 2011 at 3:52 am
One of our cheap shopping chains, here in forgotten Tasmania, has just introduced little wheel along carts. Like a suitcase, only blue and plasticky and designed to make shopping with an (autistic) toddler a living hell.
“BUT I NEEDA WHEEL IT. I NEEDA WHEEL IT” is the refrain I get, every time I need to buy new underwear. You do NOT need to wheel it and you DON’T need to kill every shopper within sight with it (god help me).
I’m glad you’re all okay after Irene and that Sam will, hopefully, sleep beautifully for you now.
7. Giselle S. | August 31st, 2011 at 6:40 am
I was also going to chime in about the sound machine. We thought we had totally ruined our son as well…he was such a light sleeper that without the sound machine…well…there was no sleep.
But when he turned 6, we accidentally left it at my parents’ house. He was very chill about it, and turns out he didn’t need it anymore either. So keep using the machine! She’ll out grow it (I hope) (because I have 2 other sleep machine dependents now). (and i totally want to steal them for when they are teenagers so they don’t wake me up with their crazy music at 12 am)
8. tehamy | August 31st, 2011 at 7:56 am
We have the same exact sound machine. For each of our boys. Jack will be 3 in 5 weeks and he absolutely requires it every night. He says when it’s on he knows it’s time for night-night. We even turn it on for naps.
I stopped using it for my younger son, who will be 1 in 3 weeks. It seemed to distract him. Now I just run a humidifier in his room for some white noise.
9. Dr. Maureen | August 31st, 2011 at 8:02 am
You have made me relieved that ours broke before anyone got addicted, and I started using a radio tuned to static in the interim before getting a new machine, and then it worked fine and I said, “Why buy a new one?” so we didn’t. Bullet dodged!
But seriously, her weeping with relief is just heartbreaking.
I’ve never seen those little carts, and I pray they never show up at my grocery stores. It’s like the car cart. The first time I saw the car cart, I thought, “Hey! What a good idea! The kids will be entertained!” but actually is’t THE WORST IDEA EVER because it doesn’t steer, the actual cart part is smaller, and the kids keep getting in and out and in and out and in and out and then when you FINALLY get to the register there s NOWHERE TO STAND to unload your groceries.
I hate the car cart so very very much.
10. Josefina | August 31st, 2011 at 8:40 am
Yes! Tiny carts, car carts–terrible, terrible things. Haaaaate them.
I thought of you when I saw the shots of Vermont. So very, very sad. I do really want to punish people who are carrying on about the storm being overhyped. Shove their noses into pictures of storm-ravaged Vermont, maybe?
We never used a sound machine, but accidentally stumbled onto a good thing this summer when the boys’ AC broke and we directed fans into their room. That little bit of sound cover has been so helpful. I’ll have to figure out how to adapt it for winter, because I’m not giving it up.
Sam is so, so funny.
11. Kate | August 31st, 2011 at 9:04 am
I believe that we, too, have ruined J’s sleep by creating a sleep heaven at home that cannot be replicated elsewhere. Luckily, our sound machine does have battery back-up, but there is no such sound machine at daycare. Hence, a thoroughly exhausted little boy comes home at the end of the day. Who knew getting good sleep from an infant would come back to bite us in the ass? Oh well.
As for the neighbor’s David statue–I cannot wait to learn what the bigger and better means. It was already so out of proportion to everything else. Good times ahead!
Miss you…
12. SwingCheese | August 31st, 2011 at 9:04 am
I’m in agreement about the car carts! I was so tickled the first time boyo asked to ride in one. And then I tried to steer it. So we went through a phase during which it was all he would ride in, and every time we went to the grocery store, he would run over to them and give me a hopeful smile, and I would totally give in, because I’m a jellyfish where my kid is concerned. (This is why 90% of the time we leave the grocery store with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.) But one day, disaster! The store was crowded and all the car carts were gone. And in a Thomas the Tank Engine fit of inspiration, I explained to boyo that sometimes, we need a fun cart, but sometimes, we need a really useful cart. And he nodded solemnly, and now, we frequently need really useful carts at the grocery store, and the car cart has become a non-issue.
13. melaniek | August 31st, 2011 at 9:19 am
add me to the car cart hater group, sure it SEEMS like a good idea, but when you can barely control said giant cart, and it turns the isle half a block before you do (i.e. you never know if you are about to mow someone down), its just a nightmare, but of course once they see one they HAVE to have it.
For your daughter have you ever tried a standard cd player?? they have lovely sound cd’s now and both of my kiddos radios have the option of using with just batteries.
14. Andrea | August 31st, 2011 at 9:35 am
Wait a minute! A full sized David statue lit in blue? Are there no photos of this?
15. JudithNYC | August 31st, 2011 at 10:45 am
Jonna, the way you feel about New Yorkers, I am feeling about my Facebook friends. Mind you, these are not strangers that I only know via the web, these are a hand-picked select few, maybe 50 in total.
I am from Puerto Rico originally and Irene wreaked havoc in my hometown. Just like Vermont, it was the 100 year flood. Thankfully, no lives were lost, but there was a LOT of damage.
I posted video, after video, after video of the devastaction and not once did I get a comment or acknowledgement from my American friends. NOT ONCE. I know the videos were visible because Puerto Rican friends in the US kept sending me messages about them.
Now everyone is all atwitter over Vermont. Yes, it is heartbreaking, but so was seeing my town under water and seeing rivers instead of streets in my town and all the destruction. And it hurt my feelings immensely that my pain was dismissed by people who I considered sensitive friends.
Please forgive me if I am bitter and for venting here, but the hurt is still very fresh.
As for the David, please take stealth photos when he is restored to his full glory and post. Pretty please. hahahaha
16. Life of a Doctor's Wife | August 31st, 2011 at 10:46 am
Oh MAN – that sounds awful! So glad you all made it through the storm. And your little one may be a heel-and-parmesan-display-nicking shopping cart fiend, but BOY is she adorable! Glad she is back to sleeping. (For all your sakes!)
17. JudithNYC | August 31st, 2011 at 10:49 am
Oops, As soon as I hit submit I regretted this whiny rant. Please avert your eyes and ignore.
18. Halyn | August 31st, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Seriously, your neighbor had a David statue, lit in blue, in his yard all this time, and this is the first we’re hearing of it? I’m kind of hurt. You can soothe my ruffled feelings by posting a picture of the bigger, stronger, rebuilt David as soon as possible.
Poor little sound-addicted Sam! I agree, why the hell doesn’t that thing have a battery backup? That is just poor design, my friend. I think a strongly worded letter of complaint to the manufacturer is in order, as well as a few threatening tweets.
Glad to hear you and yours are alright. I winced every time I saw/heard about destruction in Vermont, worrying about you and your family. Then I would remember that you weren’t there anymore and feel like a jackass. Still, it’s horrible to see what one storm can do, and maddening in a very stabby way to hear all the bs about how overhyped Irene was. Everybody who made that comment should have to spend some time shovelling mud out of a strangers basement.
I’ve had too much coffee this morning, sorry. Maybe should switch to decaf for the rest of the day!
19. jonniker | August 31st, 2011 at 12:54 pm
Judith -
There is nothing remotely offensive or wrong about your comment, and I completely see why you are upset! I suspect there is some … other, more nefarious bits at work in the undercurrents there, if you know what I mean, and you probably do.
Melanie: HAAA, if only a CD would work! We’ve tried other battery-backed devices and she wails miserably in their direction. BIG MISTAKE.
I’m dying at the number of people here, via email, and on Twitter who are bummed to find out NOW that we’ve had a blue-lit statue of David next door all this time. Ask Jennie or Kate — they’ve SEEN him.
20. Christineb | August 31st, 2011 at 1:18 pm
I’m with the masses. How can there be no picture of the David! The DAVID. My parents live down the street from a man who basically built his house to be a pagoda, complete with stream and bridge, and man is it ever awesome. When they first moved there, I was all, huh? Chinese family? “No Nigerian! They’re really nice.” my mother responded. Ridiculous.
I am glad you guys are all relatively okay, PTSD notwithstanding. Oh Judith, I hated when people in NYC were all, “I’m disappointed with Irene!” while friends literally 20 minutes away in my hometown in NJ were posting pictures of roads that look like rivers. Or when I read the story of some poor 20 year old who was driving to her boyfriend’s house when a river washed her car away, and she and her car were found underwater the next day…I mean, hey I’m happy we didn’t have flooding in my neighborhood (Philadelphia) but being a touch more sensitive would be nice too.
For what it’s worth, I am so sorry to hear that the people in your hometown sustained damage. It’s a weird kind of heartbreaking even when you don’t live there anymore. I hope your friends and families are ok.
21. Christineb | August 31st, 2011 at 1:27 pm
PS – how sad am I that they are remaking Dirty Dancing? VERY
22. Ang | September 1st, 2011 at 9:03 pm
Um, I totally bought this for my NINE year old for when we go away – but now that she’s 10 she doesn’t seem to REALLY need it: http://www.amazon.com/Cloud-Sleep-Sheep-Soothing-Sounds/dp/B000GKWA66/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314925332&sr=8-1
23. Laura | September 2nd, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Just thinking about the sound machine w/o battery backup problem. We have something like this:
http://store.sundancesolar.com/xapo150.html
which is great for camping trips and for carrying around in your car in case you need a jump start, as well as for charging/running small electrical stuff during a power outage. I’m sure that you could run the sound machine off it all night if you can charge it during the day.
Disclaimer: Not affiliated in any way, just felt your pain on the two nights of no sleep and wanted to make a suggestion! I enjoy your writing and Sam is adorable.
24. Julie | September 3rd, 2011 at 12:28 pm
One more complaint about car carts–my son apparently “shops” along with me so when we get to check out THAT is when I discover alllll the lower shelf items that are in the cab with him! When he is in the regular cart I can see right away what he thinks he is buying with his invisible money!! (and make him “PUT IT BACK”)
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