Teach Me, Teacher

Sam started preschool this week, and you guys, I KNOW. I am a total wimp, and I don’t know what it is about the whole thing that has me worked up. Well, first, she looked like this, and I could have died:

The backpack, you guys. The freakin’ Elmo backpack. It just squeezes my heart until I’m gurgling on it, really. (Holla, Jillian Michaels for giving me that stupid, stupid analogy. Also: up yours.)

The thing is, she’s going to school for a whopping five and a half hours a week. Yes, let me repeat that: 5.5 hours a WEEK. I’m acting like I’m shipping her off to COLLEGE. I’ve left her with babysitters longer than that in a single shot, which makes my ridiculous angst about school so stupidly laughable, especially to people who’ve been sending their kids to daycare. Like, I know. I KNOW. But there’s something about it being … I don’t know, PRESCHOOL and the fact that she’s old enough to go to a non-daycare preschool that’s just killing me.

She cried for at least 45 minutes after I left. I … what? The school has this policy of not letting parents sneak out, so you have to say goodbye, which feels NEEDLESSLY DRAMATIC and yet, I get it. I mean, logically I get it, but also recognize this is pretty much the opposite tactic than the one we employ for babysitters, which is ye olde Distract and Flee As Quickly As Possible.

The other thing is … ugh, there is a PTO and there are FUNDRAISERS, and I got my first real glimpse of Those Moms, and I am not the person you want on your PTO committee, because I am incapable of viewing such shenanigans without irony. I WANT to take a fundraiser seriously, but I am constitutionally unable to do so. I WANT to get all hot and bothered about the right way to enter the driveway before dropping your child off, but I can’t, because I just end up yelling, “SOUTH TO DROP OFF, MORON!” and when no one gets it, I am just irritated by the whole thing.

Up to this point, too, I’ve been able to pick and choose my friends, pick and choose who Sam hangs out with, and generally avoid the whole parent scene. Surprise! I’m not the kind of person who ENJOYS parent politics! In fact, I run screaming from them! Outside of my core group of friends, I probably have fewer friends than anyone I know, because I’m just … a small-group, intimate friendship kind of person. Large groups make me twitchy and, frankly, kind of bitchy. Professionally, of course, I am able to do this — and am actually quite adept at it — but in actual life, I am of the low tolerance type.

And not to make school all about me, but it’s ENDING. I made small talk this morning! I have to attend picnics for the sake of my kid! Meetings! I might have small talk with strangers! I made a crack about hitting the bar while our kids were in school and had to look around the room to check to see if anyone thought I was serious!

But whatever, I folded three loads of laundry, watched True Blood, (I’m still an episode behind, so …) worked for a little while and went to the UPS store by myself! Myself! And there, the UPS clerk asked about my work (I was mailing off a large interesting-looking book manuscript and faxing a client contract) and instead of talking about work, I was all, well, I AM ALSO A MOM. BUT MY KID ISN’T HERE RIGHT NOW. SHE IS IN SCHOOL. DID I MENTION I AM A MOM?

Meanwhile, when I’m in the same situation WITH my child, I have this overwhelming urge to yell that I am ALSO a PROFESSIONAL with REAL RESPONSIBILITIES. TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

None of this makes any sense. Also, I have a sinus infection which is making everything smell weird — like FARTS, if you must know, like FARTS. This morning at school drop-off, I was afraid to talk to anyone because I just kept thinking, well, here I am. Smelling like farts. I might not want to be in school politics, but I don’t want to be tittered about as the lady who smells like FARTS, EITHER. I’m pretty sure Sam doesn’t want to be labeled as the kid whose mom smells like a giant fart, TOO.

Note: I do not smell like farts, I just THINK I smell like farts because of the sinus infection. Confirmed.

Also, this whole school thing is really, really making me want another baby. Again. Or you know, STILL.

*The Faint. From Yo Gabba Gabba’s “School” episode. YEP. Also, did you know they used to be led by Conor Oberst, now Bright Eyes, whose voice is like NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD to me? Yes. Music trivia of the day.

65 comments September 6th, 2011