January 9th, 2012
In the event there was any doubt that pregnancy is the most generous state of being, despite being down ten pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight AND being able to throw on my pre-pregnancy jeans with relative, if appropriately belly-tight, ease, oh you guys, MY FACE. It is large. And puffy. And NOTHING ELSE IS. What has happened here? I have Tori Spelling Pregnant Lady Face! I mean, I wasn’t exactly at my fighting weight to begin this whole process, but given that I’ve LITERALLY spent an overwhelming amount of this past year pregnant, I’m not really bothered by THAT.
I am, however, bothered by the Tori Spelling Pregnant Lady Face. I had a chin! Where did it go? WHITHER CHIN AND JAWLINE, FACE?
(It is important to note that I adore Tori Spelling AND her Pregnant Lady Face, because she gives hope to all of us with this terrible affliction.)
Anyway, because I am already unattractive, I have also decided to let my super-short pixie cut grow out, and at this moment, I have reached the critical phase where I can no longer make this shaggy thing into anything even SLIGHTLY presentable, and it is time to call in the professionals. (You know how Dooce looks cute in hers? I do not. Mine does not look like that, despite being the same length. Mine is thick and puffy and matches my Tori Spelling Pregnant Lady Face. Also, there are roots. IT IS TIME FOR A HAIR APPOINTMENT.)
I am using this time for transitions, is what I’m saying, I suppose. Come June 4, I plan to emerge like Ally Sheedy’s character in the Breakfast Club after Claire gets a hold of her. I shall have great hair! Be thin! Have a normal face mere MOMENTS after birth! METAMORPHOSIS.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, dear. It’s going to be a while.
Anyway. Now that we know that this fetus is a girl, can we talk about names? I mean, she already HAS a great name that we’ve had picked out FOREVER, and so we are D O N E, but I am weeping for all the names we won’t get to use, either because we aren’t having a boy, or because we can’t agree or because they just don’t fit with us or our last name. But really, there will ALWAYS be names left behind, won’t there? My guess is that even Michelle Duggar has Naming Regrets.
SO! Here’s a partial list, and I would LOVE to hear yours:
Benjamin (nephew’s name!)
I COULD GO ON.
Sarah (my favorite. MY FAVORITE. Alas, it’s a no-go.)
SIGH. Sarah or Natalie or Alexa Rubin will never come to pass. Or Leah. LEAH. Leah Rubin is AWESOME. But no.
Do you have unusable awesome names?
*Yes, I went Rihanna. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW.