46 Comments Add your own

• 1. PinkieBling  |  January 18th, 2012 at 12:02 am

  AN ARTICHOKE!!!! Bwahahaha!!

• 2. Veronica  |  January 18th, 2012 at 2:20 am

  The adjustment period when I brought my son home was about a fortnight. After a fortnight, Amy didn’t remember any time before he was here, so it was all good. Took her a bit longer to come to terms with his crying and FIX IT MUMMY. Luckily he didn’t cry much.

  So what I’m saying is bringing home a second baby felt like it was going to be worse than it actually was.

  And now I’m pregnant with our third (fingers crossed) the only reason I’m looking forward to kicking is so the kids can feel it. Otherwise, can’t we just fast forward the entire pregnancy please? (I am not a graceful pregnant woman. I am sick and hormonal and grumpy. And I have acne.)

• 3. Michelle  |  January 18th, 2012 at 3:47 am

  Add to your analogy everyone else in the world cooing over how beautiful and lovely the new wife is while you have to smile and nod and pretend you think the same. It took Finn awhile to figure out where he fit as the big brother. I have to say it was the suckiest part of having a second baby, watching my first struggle with the transition and not being able to fix how he was feeling. Thankfully now we’re all settled in and it didn’t take long to get there.

• 4. katie  |  January 18th, 2012 at 8:30 am

  My now almpst 4 yr old was perfectly fine when we brought his brother home. and I know he will be find when we bring his little sister home in May. Im not quite sure how my 2 yr old will do when she comes home, he is needy and clingy and wants me ALL. THE. TIME. but i know i know this is not going to be the end of the world. I grew up in a house of 4 kids. all 4 girls and I could not imagine not having a fun house like that for myself! Just think how cool it is going to be for Sam and baby2 when they can play dress up together while mommy is cleaning the house! My friends with one kid have to entertain that one kid all the time…there is no ” go play with your sister!” that right where is why siblings exist!

• 5. Anonymous  |  January 18th, 2012 at 8:39 am

  I was kind of the opposite way, where once the baby was here I was all Baaaaabyyyy! God, 2 year old, you are so annoying. Uh, almost 6 months later it’s still kind of the same. So there’s always that possibility.
  My older kid LOVES his brother, cannot get enough of his brother, but I do get that he’s not thrilled with me at times since there is but one of my (husband is deployed) and my patience is not exactly what it once was.
  All this to say, I don’t think there is any way to predict how you will act to either girl once they are both here, or how Sam will react to the baby or you or your husband.
  Amalah wrote about this a few years ago in her advice column and our experience was similar: oldest kid loves baby, so not thrilled and acts out with parents. Parents accordingly don’t dig on the older, always-acting-out child.
  6 months in it’s getting better, and my husband comes home soon (thank you GOD) though I’m sure that will have its own transition period.

• 6. Robyn  |  January 18th, 2012 at 8:46 am

  I could have written this post myself, except that my second is a boy. i feel completely the same. I am 24 weeks preggo, and my DD will be 3 exactly when her brother arrives. It will completely rock her world, i am sure. My prediction is, she will love the baby, but will be crazy jealous of him taking my time away from her. she has already said that she doesn’t want me to nurse the baby and that Daddy can do it. i feel guilty already for both of them. I just keep telling myself that it will be great though when he’s a little older.

• 7. A.  |  January 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am

  You always know how to put such complicated, weird feelings into words. I think I’ll feel very much the same as you if we end up having a second.

• 8. Katie  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:04 am

  I cried my eyes out the night I went into labor, standing over my older daughter’s bed, watching her sleep, thinking about what an awful mother I was to do this to her. And, I am not gonna lie, it was rough for a few months. But, my daughter never took it out on the baby, she took it out on me. And I can handle it. And now, 8 months in, they are madly in love with each other and she loves me again and our relationship is different, but in a good way.

  Her relationship with her father also blossomed in amazing new ways during the early months, which was really cool too.

• 9. barb.  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:06 am

  I felt the same when I was pregnant with my second child. Twists of guilt over ruining Elder Child’s life… almost equally guilty that I wasn’t nearly so excited the second time around. I was actually very ambivalent about having another child. It was what I wanted… but was it, really?

  Elder Boy was 3 1/2 when Younger Boy was born. There was a period, thankfully brief, where we had regression issues in the potty department, jealousy over the attention the baby got — but after he adjusted, he loved the baby. Best thing that ever happened to him. 6 1/2 years later, and they are still inseparable.

  And when the baby was born, all that ambivalence just gently faded away until it was as if it never was.

• 10. Ris  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:14 am

  I was 4.5 when my sister was born and I was STOKED for about a week, before I realized newborns were kinda lame, and then asked my mom when we were taking her back. I guess my parents forgot to emphasize the “forever” part of “now you will have a new sister who will live with us.” Luckily it all turned out for the best and she’s the greatest little sister ever.

• 11. Jaida  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:25 am

  Love your analogy, so funny.

  The thing that you just can’t quite grasp (I mean, no one can) until the baby is born is that it’s a whole second PERSON. A different person than your first, no matter how similar the experience. Of course you’ll be excited, even more so because you know what comes after the suckage of newborn-ness.

  I felt horribly guilty about ruining my firstborn’s life as well but he handled it in his stride and he and his sister are thick as thieves. I will confess I had many MANY moments after my daughter was born (yes, after she was already here) where I wondered whether it had been the right decision but it most definitely, absolutely was.

  Isn’t mama guilt mind-blowing?

• 12. Olivia  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:27 am

  Love the sister-wife analogy. My husband brought our daughter to the ultrasound and I think that is what finally helped her realize just what was going on with mommy’s tummy (as much as an almost 3 yr old can).

• 13. Cherie Beyond  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:28 am

  For me, I was more excited when the second one arrived because I got to enjoy the new baby excitement with a noticeable dial-down on the fear that accompanied the first. Plus, with my first there was a bit of a, uh, learning curve shall we say, on the motherly love thing. I definitely had the “What is this red-faced, squawking thing” issue for a month or two before I fully fell in love. With my second, I immediately went head over heels. Not because I like him better, no no, just because I knew what was going to happen. I knew how I would feel about him and I preemptively adored him for it, even when he was just a red-faced, squawking thing. (Not explaining this well.)

  Besides, second kids seem to come out of the womb ready to be ignored. They know the story. Don’t worry about it.

  Also, our adjustment period was like Katie’s. It took a little bit, but she took everything out on me, not the baby. She adored the baby, she was just angry at having to share me. And that’s fine. I could take it.

  Now they play games together while my heart explodes.

• 14. Jaclyn  |  January 18th, 2012 at 9:58 am

  My mom has always told me that first pregnancies are magical – everything is new and exciting. By the second it’s all just a big hassle you have to go through to get the baby. I’m the result of her second ‘hassle’ pregnancy and have never felt for a second that our bond was lesser just because she did not at all enjoy being pregnant with me. She also hated my newborn days/months so much she never had another child. I’m sure you will be just as in love with #2 as you are with Sam!

• 15. Misty  |  January 18th, 2012 at 10:28 am

  You will be fine. Just *wait* until you see her. It will be great. And Sam will be ok after a while. Kids are resiliant. She will be so glad for her little sister one day.

• 16. SwingCheese  |  January 18th, 2012 at 10:44 am

  I was pregnant (with what turned out to be a blighted ovum) when boyo was about a year old. And I recall sobbing about how we weren’t sure if two was a good idea, and OMG, how can I *possibly* love another child as much as I love boyo. Then a dear friend’s mom told me that when she was pregnant with my friend, she spent the entire pregnancy worrying about how that would affect her first born, would there be as much love for either one, etc. In effect, until she laid eyes on my friend, she wasn’t sure that having a second was the right decision. And all growing up, my friend and her brother were close, close, close – they still are, even as adults. So I suspect that this feeling is natural, and bravo to you for being able to articulate it so well. It will all work out in the end.

• 17. Life of a Doctor's Wife  |  January 18th, 2012 at 11:00 am

  Even though the guilt must SUCK, and I’m SORRY because GAH!, you are HILARIOUS!

  Artichoke? A “vagina that has been through a lot more adventure”? A sister-wife for my kid? HILARIOUS.

• 18. melaniek  |  January 18th, 2012 at 11:18 am

  My son had just turned 3 when I brought my daughter home and he was very proud to have a sister, even though he thought her a complete bore, what with all the SLEEPING she did all day (not so much at night though)…. and just the other day he surprised me (he is now 6 1/2) by saying he wished Allie was still a baby so he could hold her again and have her reach up to his face like she used to…. *awwww*

  I think I was more weird with my first, I remember distinctly hanging out at the hospital with my son thinking that it felt like I was just baby-sitting someone else’s super cute kiddo… it wasn’t until we got home that it started feeling real to me, if that makes sense. On the other hand I thought it felt more real right off the bat with Allie…. but I kinda wonder if it was partly the pull of wanting to be with my son (who was busy having fun with Grandma) and wanting to be with my daughter too….

• 19. Elsha  |  January 18th, 2012 at 11:52 am

  I’m hoping that since this is the second time we’re doing this to Kalena she’ll adjust quickly. Also this is one of those times where I’m super grateful that we live with my parents because 4 adults means there is always SOMEONE to give the older kids some attention. (Or hold the baby while I do.)

  I’m with you on the less magical though. I invited my mom to the 22 week ultrasound and when she asked who would stay with the kids I told her Brian would. And as many times as I reassured her that he was not interested in going AT ALL she was worried that she would be stealing his experience or something. (She did go in the end.) Brian’s attitude is pretty much- tell me the sex and that’s all I need to know. He doesn’t even like kids (including ours) until they’re like 6 months old. He spends all that time having buyers remorse about having another one.

• 20. Carmen  |  January 18th, 2012 at 11:54 am

  It was the same for us. I had to actively convince Leo that he should come to the ultrasound for our 2nd. I FORGOT I was pregnant with Lexi several times and only remembered when I was half-finished eating things that I probably shouldn’t have been eating. Ooops. I remember feeling the same guilt: I’d spent every single second thinking and dreaming and wondering and marvelling about the first pregnancy and then literally forgetting about the second.

  Kieran LOVED his sister from the moment she came home. He kissed and hugged her hundreds of times a day when she was a baby; to this day, he never has said that he wishes he didn’t have a sister. In fact, he told me the other day that Lexi was his favourite person in the world, because there is nothing better than a sister. Sam will be FINE. She’ll be happy with her sister-wife. Really. (There might be a rough patch at the beginning when you have to delay things for her because of the baby, but she’ll work it out and everything will be great.)

  I was given some advice when I was pregnant with Lexi; I didn’t have to use it but it made sense. The advice was this: when Adam’s home all day in the first couple of weeks after the baby is born (if he is), then your job should be ONLY to feed the baby. Adam should do everything else while you hang out with Sam. That way she gets some time to acclimatize to the new regime, so to speak, without you being mostly unavailable all of a sudden. The reasoning behind the advice was that Sam will want to be reassured that you’re still there for her and once you show her that you are, she’ll be fine. Like I said, KIERAN was uninterested in that plan, because he didn’t want me. He just wanted to snuggle with Lexi.

• 21. Jesabes  |  January 18th, 2012 at 11:56 am

  My daughter looooooooves her baby brother. I didn’t bring home a sister-wife for her, I brought a baby she can mother then hand off to someone else to do all the work. As far as she’s concerned, I’m the wet nurse and diaper changer.

  Also, she likes that she gets to be more independent now, since I can’t do everything for her. I suppose we are lucky that’s her personality.

• 22. Cathy  |  January 18th, 2012 at 12:51 pm

  Sure, my intense relationship with my all-about-mama older daughter can feel a bit less intense now — but that’s not entirely a bad thing. Also, I realized that it isn’t so different from what happens with a first baby: your marriage changes, and in many ways, especially at first, intimacy is so much harder to come by, but there’s also this entirely new dimension to your love for your partner. Now we have a whole new way to love our four year old, as her big-sister self. That self takes time to develop, but I’m someone who also takes time to fall in love with my babies, so I identify and sympathize with that. Plus, having it happen slowly does give me time to see it as it happens — to notice that now, at 7 months in, the four year old moves so quickly to console or encourage or entertain her little sister, and is so eager to see her when she comes home from school. It’s a beautiful process to watch, even if it’s also really really hard for her (and us) at times.

  As for newbornhood second time around, I still don’t find it wonderful, but it is so so much easier to see what is wonderful in it now that I know for absolute certain that all the hard stuff ends. My mantra was “I did not do this so I could have another two month old; I did it so I could have another KID.”

• 23. agirlandaboy  |  January 18th, 2012 at 12:53 pm

  Well shit. I never thought about it in the sister-wife way. Uh, sorry, Wombat!

• 24. Reading (and chickens)  |  January 18th, 2012 at 1:23 pm

  Well, I only kind of hated my second (who was screamy like Sam, OH THE TORTURE) after he was about five months old and then I wanted to (and still do) snuggle him every single day. And because my first did things like slam his baby brother’s hand in dresser drawers and SIT ON HIM I felt less bad about ruining his life, the little asshole. (They love each other immensely now, and it only took about two years. Ha.)

• 25. TwoBusy  |  January 18th, 2012 at 3:04 pm

  1. Yes, Babyker #2 will completely destroy Sam’s world as she knows it.

  2. But: in another 2-3 years, she won’t remember a world without her little sister.

  3. The moment you wrote “face to face with a vagina that has been through a lot more adventure than a fresher, more youthful one” may have signaled the internet reaching its peak.

• 26. Molly  |  January 18th, 2012 at 3:37 pm

  Oh, I love this post. The hilarity! The real feelings, I’m totally feeling this way about second baby too. I can’t even manage to give up caffeine for her.

• 27. -R-  |  January 18th, 2012 at 4:40 pm

  So we’re not going to discuss the song title choice? Ok.

  To be honest, the newborn stuff was not nearly as interesting for me the second time.

• 28. Jessica  |  January 18th, 2012 at 5:35 pm

  Yes, I imagine that bringing home our second baby is going to feel like a sister-wife for our son! Hilarious analogy. I know he will be fine, eventually. But yeah, there is no way to prepare him for this in any way.

  I am also less interested this go around. I don’t mind the kicking, but I am not analyzing everything I read like before. I am fairly apathetic about going to the Dr. and wish I had a midwife but Chris is terrified of that option.

  And yes, I think I will want a two year old instead of a newborn, can we just fast forward to that age?

• 29. MP  |  January 18th, 2012 at 5:38 pm

  You’ll be SO excited and SO in love when she is born. And so will Sam (for about five minutes). Then, when she’s two, you’ll be thinking, “Can I trade this tiny, menacing child in for another, sort of like a wife swap?” and Sam will be exclaiming, “I love her! She’s my sister! She’s my friend!”

  At least that’s what is happening at my house.

• 30. HereWeGoAJen  |  January 18th, 2012 at 8:09 pm

  I have had those exact feelings, like “what the hell are we doing bringing another one in when things were going SO WELL with the first? This is going to screw so many things up.”

  I have had a LOT of ultrasounds. And I have gone to 99% of them alone. Only when there is suspected to be a problem has Matt been able to go with me. Well, apart from the very first of the Big ultrasounds. (Which I also had to have repeated. And he couldn’t go to the repeat.)

• 31. Megan  |  January 18th, 2012 at 10:05 pm

  I’ll admit, I never believed any one who told me it would be fine when Kellan got here. The Guilt, along with all the other shit that happened right around then – Lila was a mess for a while. I think she bit Sam at one point? Or at least was a bullying little shit for our playdates.

  BUT. I was just thinking last week about how “she’s back, but better”. Because she is. She’s herself again, and even MORE FUN and COOLER than before. She sleeps again, and doesn’t cry over everything.

  And she LOVES HIM, OMG, she loves him so much. She can’t stand it if he’s not near her, or if we go somewhere without him. That alone makes it all worth it.

  Sam is going to be an amazing big sister. She’s so sensitive and caring, I can’t wait to see her with her sister. AHHHH!!

• 32. Josefina  |  January 19th, 2012 at 11:13 am

  Heee. I remember having those same feelings when I was pregnant the second time, culminating in a tearful walk through the parking lot into the Food Lion just prior to giving birth, clutching my then two year old, telling him I would “miss him” (????). Because our life together was going to be over FOREVER (???). Anyway, first son was mad at me for about four hours because I had to leave him overnight to have the baby (we’d never left him overnight before), then he got over it and loved his brother. Still does. I didn’t think that much about child number two before he was born–I didn’t have time or energy! Also, it never even occurred to me to ask my husband to come to an ultrasound. I’m not sure if I even mentioned when I was having them. I guess in my mind at the time, it was a doctor’s appointment, no biggie. I may have a little guilt over that now.

  I do think that as a mom, guilt can be your full time job if you let it. I’ve decided it doesn’t necessarily MEAN anything, though.

• 33. Josefina  |  January 19th, 2012 at 11:16 am

  PS The two sons I have that fight for my attention? And I was soooo worried there wasn’t enough of me to go around? Now that they’re old enough (8 and 10) scold me mercilessly for not having more children, they want more brothers and sisters, etc. PLEASE MOM PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER BABY.

• 34. Roberta  |  January 19th, 2012 at 2:03 pm

  Huh. I never thought about the sister-wife scenario with having a second. THANKS FOR THE NEW NEUROSIS, JONNA. And uh, yeah, sorry, first kid because I’m a-planning to ruin your life. But I forgive you because of the uncontrollable cry-laugh I had at “I imagine it’s disconcerting at twenty-five to be face to face with a vagina that has been through a lot more adventure than a fresher, more youthful one.”

• 35. Maggie  |  January 19th, 2012 at 11:25 pm

  My kid thinks the sun shines out of our new baby’s bottom. THEY ADORE HER. They had their adjustment period, but it didn’t seem to have to do anything with HER, if that makes sense. They go around telling everyone that THEY should go to the hospital and get themselves a new baby TOO.

  And I really have yet to fawn over #3 and she’s HERE. So.

  (So excited for you!)

• 36. Slim  |  January 20th, 2012 at 11:30 am

  When we got home from the hospital with Kid the Third, I was careful to walk in by myself and have my husband carry in the new baby because Mommy had been gone! You kids must have missed Mommy desperately!
  Man, the two-year-old all but threw an elbow trying to get past me to see the new baby. Later, when a kid wanted something and had to wait because of the baby, he never blamed the baby. It was my fault, because I sucked and was totally unfaaaair. And I already sucked a lot of the time, what with my pointless restrictions and general buzzkilliness, so at least there was the cool new baby.

• 37. Jamie  |  January 20th, 2012 at 2:03 pm

  My sister and I are roughly the same distance apart as your two daughters will be, and I will be honest – there were some trying times. And we weren’t always friends. Or friendly. But that didn’t happen until we were in high school, and even then, HELLO – WE WERE TWO TEENAGE GIRLS IN HIGH SCHOOL. That phase of our lives was always going to be miserable, yes? Were it not for the individual bedrooms and double sink/vanity in the bathroom, we might not be alive today.

  If it consoles you at all, especially if your girls are very different as my sister and I are, it ends up being amazing. I have someone who is my polar opposite, who despite being wired completely different than me, always supports me. I have someone to reach out to when I don’t understand the world around me – I have a resource with a fresh, different perspective than my own, which has proved to be invaluable (particularly in adulthood). I love my sister for everything she is, because that is pretty much everything I am not. Yin and yang, and all that.

• 38. Jen  |  January 20th, 2012 at 11:01 pm

  Seriously. All of that? My feelings exactly. I wanted to know the sex both times and then… meh. It’s an alien face! Look at that! (though I did get a 3D ultrasound with Audrey that was kinda cool) And the guilt over ruining Maggie’s LIFE OMG. That WILL go away, I promise. It’s good now. It just… took some time. Maggie even admitted yesterday that adding another baby in our family would be okay with her. (Jury is still out on whether or not *I* would be okay with it. But at least Dan has one person on his side!)

  I’m glad your second ultrasound was a good one!

• 39. crabby appleseed  |  January 23rd, 2012 at 10:22 pm

  I know I’m repeating what a lot of others have said, but my older daughter (who was just over 2yo when our second daughter was born) was thrilled by her baby sitter and moderately pissy with us for several months after she came home. Even at that, I was pretty surprised by how well she adjusted when baby sister came along. I think it was much harder on me, to be honest- it was so hard to not be able to dote on her nonstop and have to divide my attention.

  One of my friends gave me the best advice I’ve heard yet- first babies are lucky because they get all of your attention. Second babies are lucky because they don’t.

• 40. Juicy Couture outlet  |  January 29th, 2012 at 2:37 am

  Man I like this post and it is so informational and I am definetly going to bookmark it. I Have to say the Indepth analysis this article has is trully remarkable.Who goes that extra mile these days?

• 41. Christian Louboutin Sale  |  January 29th, 2012 at 2:38 am

  We are really thankful to the author with this post for making this lovely and informative article live for us. We really appreciate ur effort. Sustain the favorable work. . . .

• 42. cheap designer handbags  |  January 31st, 2012 at 9:39 pm

  You have written an excellent blog that has convinced me to read this! Excellent Job!

• 43. Sebastian  |  February 3rd, 2012 at 3:33 am

  The articles you have on your website are always so enjoyable to read. Good work and I will be returning often.

  Parade Condos
  add twitter followers

• 44. Air Jordan 7  |  February 4th, 2012 at 1:48 am

  555yxj
  I like this post very much, You have defined it very simply for so I understand what you say, In this post your writing level is also excellent to us. This is great issue you have done on this topic really very well.

• 45. new era fitted caps  |  February 9th, 2012 at 2:18 am

  cheap new era fitted hats
  “The Manhattan district attorney’s office bought his account of how this happened, hook, line and sinker,” lawyer Stephen G. McCarthy said. He and fellow Neathway lawyer Alan M. Abramson said Neathway denied the allegations. cheap new era fitted caps
  Cashman said through spokesman Chris Giglio that he is “very grateful that this matter is in the hands of law enforcement.”
  The Yankees declined to comment. wholesale new era
  Neathway — who has a history of arrests on similar charges, prosecutors said — sometimes called and texted Cashman more than 10 times a night and threatened to harm someone he knew, prosecutors said. new era wholesale
  After he told her last April that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore and even changed his contact information to avoid her, she asked him to pay for a $15,000-plus medical http://www.newerafittedhat.org/ procedure and threatened to contact the press and his family with claims that would hurt his personal relationships and professional standing, according to a court complaint. new era fitted caps

• 46. Jane in Pa  |  February 16th, 2012 at 12:59 am

  I love this post! And while I may be repeating what someone else has said…I felt bad for my first born (he was just over age 1 when #2 came along-) until I saw the 2 boys together. Watching their relationship change and grow is one of my very best parenting experiences. We also have daughter in the mix now & I feel the same way about sibling relationships. There are ups and downs as with everything in life…but it is all truly worth it

Leave a Comment

Name Required

Email Required, hidden

Url

Comment

Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

This blog is protected by Dave's Spam Karma 2: 221994 Spams eaten and counting...