So! It’s EST week at Huggies, and oddly, it doesn’t stand for Eastern Standard Time, but stands for EST, as in the thickEST (Huggies wipes), prettiEST (my daughter), largEST (my backside), etc. (OR SHOULD I SAY EST?)
The idea here being, you know, that I should share a situation that is some kind of super superlative version of whatever happened, and honestly … it’s almost impossible. It’s all so … EST. Ever since I had Sam, it’s like the world lit up in technicolor and everything is amplified to a degree I never saw coming. EVERYTHING is the … EST. She’s the loudest, her personality is the biggest, she’s the messiest, I’m the stressiest (is totally a word) and … well, you get it. It’s more than a little crazy, but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done, and I think that’s obvious.
(I’m sounding a little like Moose A. Moose here … AMIRITE? Isn’t this part of a song? About things being the … smelliest? Or belliest? Or something?)
Anyway, by far, things are the messiest. It’s hard for me to live in a situation that I have little to no control over — I don’t get to say how or when things get/stay clean. I don’t get to decide when to clean them up and when to make the mess. I don’t get to say no, you can’t make a mess right now, because sometimes things need to be messy.
This might sound silly, but I’ve always sworn that I would never stop my daughter from doing something that made a mess. I still remember how desperately I wanted one of those Play Doh sets that squished the material through tiny holes to create fancy shapes and, uh, hair (Play Doh barbershop? Right? No?). But no, I wasn’t allowed to have one, because they were too messy.
It’s my opinion that the best things in life are messy. The messiest.
But for the messiest thing ever? Well. I’m going to leave you with this delightful oldie-but-goodie, which was, honestly, the messiest. AND YET. It was also the best! The best kind of messiest!
I WAS NOT HOME.
Do you have an EST? Tell me, friends.
(Disclaimer! This post is part of the work I do for Huggies, and yes, they pay me, but they pay me to BLOG about WHAT I WANT, with such light parameters, I am so totally getting the long straw in this stuff. I like them a lot.)
So! In case you were wondering (which I highly doubt you were), I’ve continued working with our friends at Huggies, this time to talk about wipes! WIPES! And poop. Yes, poop continues. Poop. I’m so sorry, to those of you who are sensitive to such things (Yes, Suebob, I’m looking at you).
I took another gig with Huggies because, again, they’re great to work with, and their wipes are genuinely fantastic and again, I swear, I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t use them. (I’m sorry, but everyone uses their wipes … don’t they?) I bounced around on diapers for a little bit, but I’ve used, and continued to use, with very few travel-related exceptions, Huggies wipes from the first day Sam was born. My mom gave me approximately 80 containers of them, and I thought that was SO MANY and would last until she was THREE, but HA HA HA, NO.
The idea here is that we’re all, through the magic of blessed, blessed wipes, living a poo-free summer. Which, um, WOULD THAT WIPES MADE POOP DISAPPEAR ALTOGETHER, but alas, unless they are miraculous wipes that digest and sweep away poop without it ever leaving the body, never to be touched by human hands (and, uh, I believe that’s a colostomy bag, and no thank you), well, that’s never going to happen. Let’s face it.
And honestly, the wipes work great for their intended purpose — they do! Even when things get, um, less than fresh up in here (and trust me, there will be a VIDEO DISCUSSION of a recent issue with HELPFUL TIPS I wish someone had given me, but it’s likely that you are all much smarter than me, and already knew these helpful tips, in which case, you can just laugh at me. I won’t be offended), they get rid of all the offending bits, and my kid’s bum is fresh and shiny and hallelujah.
What I kind of wish people had told me before I had kids was that not only will I use wipes to remove poop (and, let’s be honest, substitute for a bath on the laziest of days) (What?), but though wipes might not be the miracle I prayed for, they are good for, um, EVERYTHING. You guys, I use wipes on my kid, on myself, on my kitchen floor, on her high chair, on flipping EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
I can’t think of anything in the world that is so convenient, yet so effective. Baby wipes! Equally useful on tiny baby asses AND ceramic flooring! And come ON, if they’re gentle enough for my child’s oh-so-sensitive baby behind (and though she has moments of Baby Bum of Steel, trust me, ‘TIS SENSITIVE), I know they won’t, say, peel the finish off of my dining room table (from, um, Target, so it’s not like I care), or ruin the grout on my ceramic floors.
Sometimes, and this is the truth, I think of a day when the wipes won’t be in my life anymore, and I don’t like that image one bit. Because I’m sorry, the adult wipes are not only NOT THE SAME (and also? EW), but the anti-bac wipes — excuse me, MOIST TOWLETTES for the purse are way harsh, dude, so … well, I might be the only person in the history of ever who continues to buy Huggies wipes in bulk, long after her children are out of diapers, and no longer pooping outside of the toilet.
(Disclaimer disclaimerflarketeckin: This is, shocker of shockers, part of a deal I did with Huggies. Yes, they pay me, but no, they don’t tell me what to say. Swearsies.)
It’s Huggies Time Again, but this time, there’s a win/win. Or a win. One win, to be specific, really. For suffering through my drivel, you can enter a contest to win diapers below. Assuming, that is, you have a person in your house who needs to be diapered. If you don’t, you can still win the diapers, just, ah, don’t tell us what you’re doing with them. We probably don’t want to know.
I’ll have you know that since we talked last, I’ve learned exactly nothing. I fish approximately eleven million diapers out of my dog’s mouth on a daily basis, I still have no idea what size diaper my kid wears, and I … well, I don’t think I’ve told you this before, but you know what I do ALL THE TIME? I forget to put a diaper on my kid post-bath. I know, I know I KNOW. It’s SO HARD, because she loves, and I mean LOVES, diaper-free time. It’s like a GIFT, that diaper-free time, where her little special girly area gets fresh air, and suddenly everything is more interesting, including running at top speed around the living room.
Have I ever told you that we have ceramic floors in our house? Well. We do. Everywhere except the bedrooms. And while this is awesome, in terms of clean up (SWIFFER WET JET YOU ARE MY LOVAH), it’s a little harrowing when it comes to a drunken toddler waddling around the house. This is especially true when I give my kid a little diaper-free time and she, uhh, pees on the floor and then, oh then? SLIPS IN HER OWN PEE and winds up screaming in a puddle on the floor. This is awesome. I feel like a total WINNAH when this happens. I let my kid slip and fall in a puddle of her own urine! Give me a medal!
You can see I take this parenting thing very seriously. I let my dog eat diapers, and my kid falls in her own pee. These are the things I honestly didn’t see coming.
Anyway! Enough. I’m giving away five (5!) packs of Huggies Little Movers diapers, and if you’d like to be entered, just leave a comment below and I’ll choose one at random. If you want to leave a comment, but do NOT want to be entered to win the diapers, just write NO DIAPERS! somewhere in the comment. The contest ends at 10 a.m. EDT on Wednesday. Your diapers will be shipped directly from our friends at Huggies.
Well, WELCOME. Am I talking about diapers again? Oh yes, I am. Only this time, by way of disclaimer, I will explain that I am being compensated to talk about diapers, thanks to our friends at Huggies. And I know! I KNOW! I never do this kind of thing– and it’s true, I don’t, and if I were you, I wouldn’t look for it to happen very often. But, as many (most?) of you know, I had recent Unfortunate Diaper Issue and as a result, have done WAY TOO MUCH THINKING about diapers. Like, a lot. I tried every single diaper out there; I tried every different possible fit. I diapered at different times! With different creams! I diapered my face off! I examined my daughter’s butt from multiple angles! I sniffed her diaper before she so much as PEED in it to make sure it didn’t smell like chemicals!
And then Huggies, smartypants people that they are, noticed, and asked that I write about diapering and diapering-related issues, for them. Smart, see? And because *I* am smart and — genuinely, swear to God, I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true — got through my daughter’s infancy because of Huggies Overnites, I said yes! Why yes, of course!
But, and this is the truth, I like (and use) Huggies Little Movers diapers quite a bit, and they’re not even making me say that part, I promise. Especially for those who are looking for an alternative for a diaper they may no longer be happy with, they are honestly the best thing that I found — they don’t sag weirdly in the crotch, the padding goes all the way up the back to the waistline (almost NO diapers have this, and it’s really good for girls who pee a lot) and they don’t stink like chemicals (they’re unscented! Hallefreakinlujah!). This should be common sense for every diaper, but let’s be honest: it isn’t. The point is, I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t a natural fit (first diaper pun! drink!) and something I’d say anyway. Really. I turn down this stuff all the time! DAILY.
Are we ready to talk about diapers and diapering and all that, um, crap? (Second diaper pun! How original!) Because I can go on all day about this. And after fifteen months of this — after a crazy amount of diapering and pooping and peeing and other waste-related ridiculousness — I still have no idea what I’m doing in this area.
Specifically, two things are happening, and this seems as good a place as any to start:
1) I have no idea if I’m getting my kid in the right size diaper. None. I hear conflicting reports of where a diaper is supposed to fit. Is it with the front above the belly button? Just under? None of the above? Any lower than the bellybutton, and stuff blows up the back. And yet, if I get it too big (and this is EVERY brand, so it’s not a fit thing), I contend with out-the-leg issues. It’s like this crazy perfect-balance thing, and right now we have Sam in a size five. FIVE. She’s 15 months and has been a five for like, THREE MONTHS NOW. She’s tall. Honestly, it’s working pretty well for us, so I don’t know what else to say there. But for some reason, people think this is like, CRAZY HUGE. Is it? Am I Doing It Wrong? Would things be THAT MUCH BETTER if I switched to a smaller diaper? She’s 32 inches and 25 poundsish. I think. (I THINK.)
2) Dog. The dog. The dog and diapers, THE DOG AND THE DIAPERS. I know! I should use a Diaper Champ or something, I KNOW. But the thing is I never remember, and we take out the garbage every day anyway, so it’s not like my house smells (um, I don’t think?). Plus, I’ve got this mobile kid and I’m lucky if I remember to take off the old diaper and put on a new one before she’s off like a shot and demanding something, or worse, sticking her head in the toilet, and before I know it, I’ve walked away for FOUR WHOLE SECONDS and the dog is missing and she’s eating the diaper under the guest bed, and I’m trying not to throw up.
I don’t even think this is something you can help me with, because frankly, it’s my fault. I know it, everyone knows it. Even the dog knows it, which is why she keeps going for it. SHE WINS! Every time!
The only consolation I have is that we don’t have a cat. I think prying cat feces out of my dog’s mouth would be worse than my kid’s poop, which, let’s be honest, I end up wearing half the time anyway. Which reminds me, OH YES, recently we had an issue (thanks, prunes!), wherein we both had to change our clothes. BOTH OF US. GARGHTKETHIETH. No one’s ready for that, no matter how experienced you are at this parenting thing. And there’s also the fact that the dog likes to eat maxi pads, so guess who can’t leave ANYTHING in the bathroom trash? THIS GIRL.
So! Welcome to the corner of the internet where you can talk freely about your kid’s poop and their diapers. I won’t judge!